DH sees MIL every day

[anonymous670]

Name changed for this one because I’m prepared to be slated 😬

DH sees his mum typically 3 times a week, but lately it’s become almost every day. Sometimes he goes to her, mostly her to us. She also calls him at least twice a day, often when we’re out.

I don’t know if this is ‘normal’ but I find it really intruding and overbearing. This week he has seen her on Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and today. Anytime I mention I think it’s a bit much he gets really defensive and accuses me of being horrible. He’s not open to any kind of discussion.

For context, MIL lives on her own but is very active, works 3 days a week and has other family close by who she sees each evening.

I don’t know if I’m unreasonable in thinking this is really suffocating and intruding on our family time. I also don’t know how to articulate why I think it’s unreasonable, if it is.

My own mum sees DS twice a week, but I’m starting to get worried DS will form a closer bond with MIL, who for various reasons is not someone we both want to have a big influence over his values! Am I just paranoid that he will, or is it inevitable?!

She only lives 5 minutes away which doesn’t help. We’ll be moving in a couple of months to ever so slightly further but I’m worried the expectation to have such easy access to us is already set.

To complicate matters, we’re also TTC. If we are fortunate enough, when the time comes, it will be my own mum who’s around more to support me (DH agrees). But I can see that causing a whole load of other issues… Am I just being horrible!?

He knows all this is true. I’ve even heard him lie to her on the phone and say we have plans, but she manages to talk him round. I really feel for him but it’s making me resent MIL. We had got along reasonably well before this (other than a bit of friction over a few comments) and I really don’t want to dislike her! I just can’t think of a realistic plan that I’ll be able to support him to stick to.

Yes, of course it's OTT. It would be different if she was infirm or elderly. Guess she'll be moving in as and when.

One thing you can do is refuse to let her come round when your DH isn't there. When she does come round in the evening or at weekends, can you take your child and go out? You need emphasise to your DH what a toxic influence she will be on your children.

There have been a number of posts on here recently where the OP or her DH feels a massive obligation to visit/invite and care for parents who have been abusive and unkind throughout their childhoods.

If your DH's sister has managed to pull away, your DH can do this too. He shouldn't feel more obligation towards his mum because his sister doesn't see her. Her own children dislike her because of the sort of parent she is. She is only reaping what she has sown.

She doesn’t respect your marriage either op. Popping in every day is such a rude imposition on a family. How long is she there for?

I don’t know - imagine that baby you have is a boy and he grows up and marries someone one day, who says he sees you too much.

Some women are incredibly territorial about their husbands having a relationship with his parents. Yet, having successfully weaned him away from his parents, she is shocked when he walks away from her eventually . Having an emotional bond with his parents is very important for many mens emotional intelligence.
I have at least two female friends who made their marriage conditional on having a very close relationship with her parents. They made it a deal that Christmas would always be spent with her side of the family. These women always have their mother in tow at Toddler Groups and on holidays. I always think it must be so suffocating for the man.
It is incredibly common on MN for women to speak daily to their mothers and run all decisions through her. One man asked for advice on here about his wife texting, calling and seeing her mother multiple times a day. She always texted her Mum first thing in the morning and last thing at night. He was absolutely slaughtered on here for asking if it was fair for him to ask her to spend more time with him. His wife's mother was told about her pregnancies before him on both occasions.
It is statistically more common for women to alienate women who are not biologically related to them. So MILS, Sils and step daughters.
I suspect the OP does not like her MIL at all and wants to end her husband's relationship with his mother.

I was with you on not wanting to see her every day, until I got to the reasoning being about wanting your child to prefer your mum which is really odd, it's not a competition. Mine used to try and come every day which I found too much as she's overbearing and my husband is only home for 2 hours that the children are awake, so some of the time it's nice to have as just our family.

Does your DH pick her up on her comments?

How do they fit in these visits? He is going to grow a backbone and tell her that he is going to limit visits as it impacts too much on his time. He will need to ignore her upset. He needs to follow his sister's lead, although doesn't mean he doesn't have to see her at all. How old is she?

For those saying it would be different if this was DM not MIL, would people really want their racist, homophobic DM visiting very day, would they not put a stop/restrict contact with them especially around their DC?

I have young adult children.

my children did not absorb any of their grandparents views and when teens were openly critical of a lot of things their grandparents did/believed.

as young adults they are now making their minds up about views that we had as parents and sometimes we have strong discussions.

your child won’t pick up racism or homophobia from a grandparent

In my view, it's not "normal" for any adult (of either sex) to see a parent so often. The whole point of growing up is to disconnect from parents and become independent.

Personally, I would find this a dealbreaker in a marriage, and I would be out. OP, you have to decide for yourself what is acceptable, but definitely sort it out before you have a baby.

Tell him if he's finding it overwhelming and obligation then he needs to dial back now, she's not yet elderly and in need of help or checking up on. She still working three days a week and having other family visit. He is being ridiculous to get himself in this state at her stage of life.

I agree. My mum rang her mum (my nan) twice a day and they saw each other loads. Yet if a man does it people imply he's a mummy's boy etc

Why? why is it ok for women to be close to their mothers but not men?

As is always the case with these threads, you have a DH problem. He needs to put boundaries in place and start enforcing them before it ruins your marriage.

@crumblingschools
I notice lots of threads from women who have the most horrendous mothers and yet when posters suggest they have every right to walk away, they maintain they could never turn their back on her because she is their Mum. Honestly it is such a common thread topic.
There was one that stuck in my mind. A poster complaining that her bullying mother had spoilt her son's eighteenth birthday meal. When it was suggested that she didn't invite her mother to future family meals, she was adamant that it was not a scenario that she would entertain.

Have you totally missed the part where the DH is totally overwhelmed by the situation and doesn't actually want to see his mum this much?

YABU and really unsupportive of him.

I would encourage DH to get into a routine of visiting her at her home on the way home from work and stopping in for say 20mins for a cup of tea.
This will reduce the risk of her coming to yours.

Once you’ve moved then this can be reduced to every other day.

My post was pre-drip feed. Regardless, many of the replies would be very different if the sexes were reversed, even if there was no poor behaviour on the part of the MIL.

If he is just popping in to see if she is ok that's a nice thing for him to do and I don't see the issue. If he is staying for hours at a time and it's impacting on things you want to do i can see that could be an issue.

Yes, I agree with this. Mine are 24 and 17 and this is the case with them as well. Ours disagree with some of our views , let alone their grandparents’s views - which is at it should be.

OP, I’m normally in favour of men dealing with their side of the family, but given the pressure she is placing on him, if I was in your situation I’d offer to deal with MIL myself and shield him for a while. It sounds like he’s really struggling.

This sounds like a good plan 🙂

@anonymous670 have you heard of FOG, fear, obligation, guilt. Your DH needs to look into this and ways of dealing with it

Constant phoning, especially when they're out, is intrusive

And it's not like she's sitting at home, rotting in the corner

Feel sorry for your DP. His mum is emotionally blackmailing him to see her. What disgusting behaviour. He needs to put a stop to this instead of enabling her. Tell him that she's fine but manipulative and he needs to get his priorities straight: spending time with his wife and children has to come first. Maybe she's doing it on purpose to drive a wedge between you?

Imagine that your baby boy grows up and marries and that you don't air your racist and homophobic views in front of his wife and child and you don't insist on seeing your son every day, making him so stressed that he cries about it to his wife.