DH sees MIL every day

[anonymous670]

Name changed for this one because I’m prepared to be slated 😬

DH sees his mum typically 3 times a week, but lately it’s become almost every day. Sometimes he goes to her, mostly her to us. She also calls him at least twice a day, often when we’re out.

I don’t know if this is ‘normal’ but I find it really intruding and overbearing. This week he has seen her on Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and today. Anytime I mention I think it’s a bit much he gets really defensive and accuses me of being horrible. He’s not open to any kind of discussion.

For context, MIL lives on her own but is very active, works 3 days a week and has other family close by who she sees each evening.

I don’t know if I’m unreasonable in thinking this is really suffocating and intruding on our family time. I also don’t know how to articulate why I think it’s unreasonable, if it is.

My own mum sees DS twice a week, but I’m starting to get worried DS will form a closer bond with MIL, who for various reasons is not someone we both want to have a big influence over his values! Am I just paranoid that he will, or is it inevitable?!

She only lives 5 minutes away which doesn’t help. We’ll be moving in a couple of months to ever so slightly further but I’m worried the expectation to have such easy access to us is already set.

To complicate matters, we’re also TTC. If we are fortunate enough, when the time comes, it will be my own mum who’s around more to support me (DH agrees). But I can see that causing a whole load of other issues… Am I just being horrible!?

He needs to learn tactics to deal with her.
when she calls, he needs to sometimes not answer the phone. Text later and say “Sorry, a bit tied up/have a headache. Ill catch up with you tomorrow”
Both of them need to adjust to reduced contact time then your dh can start to think a bit more clearly.
Do you go away on holidays? That’s the perfect time to come back and reduce contact.
When you move, you’ll be busy sorting stuff out for the house so that’s another time to reduce contact.

So you seeing your mum twice a week is fine and your DH seeing his mum 3 times a week is too much?

Your son is learning from how his dad treats his mum as to how to treat you when he's older! So if you don't want to ever see your son once he has a family of his own by all means stop your DH seeing her but don't complain when your son is an adult and never visits you!

I agree. It’s all relative. Seeing your mum every day is ok as long as it didn’t affect the rest of the family. Being emotionally blackmailed by your mum to see her every day - not ok. I have a DP who is enmeshed and it isn’t fun.

Thank you for your responses everyone, I wasn’t expecting so many, it’s given me a lot to consider! DH has had a long discussion with his younger sister and got a lot off his chest with her. She’s a lot more assertive with MIL and won’t let herself be ‘guilted’ so I think she may pass on some of his feelings. We’re having a break from her today, but he’s already been made to feel guilty so has agreed to Monday and Tuesday ..

Winds me up when my husband runs every time his mum and dad click their fingers

It's like he's tethered to them and I don't know why as they gave him a terrible childhood where his "dad" would beat him as he's an alcoholic and his "mum" completely flavoured his sister to the extend they bought her a house and we haven't even had a penny... Intact the flowers she did for our wedding she charged us for but paid for his sister's entire wedding

Give him an ultimatum if he likes mummy so much he can go back and live with her

I think you both seem horribly enmeshed with your parents. Don't you long to be adults with your own lives?

He sounds a nice son, cares about his mum.

YANBU
this would drive me nutty. But I’m a private person and don’t want visitors all the time (including my family).

You mentioned in your OP that you are moving slightly further away shortly, could it be that this change in how often she is visiting is a reaction to this in some way? Kind of like she’s trying to get her fill of your DH and DS before the move when it will be harder for her to pop round as frequently. I do feel for you, I couldn’t cope with that from my MIL but fortunately she gives little to no shits about my DP or her grandkids!

Sounds way too much and wouldn't work for me at all. She needs to get her own life

Is all the visiting having an impact on your family time with DH and children?

If he is stressed out about it then going NC for a bit might help.

parents are not supposed to make their kids feel like shit.

Totally get this - a mother in law is never your own mother, no matter how much they try (or try to interfere!)

So you don’t want adult children to see their parents. Will it will be the same with your own children when they are adults!
So many posters on here complaining they don’t see their adult children but they don’t see own parents. If children see grandparents and extended family often as children they then be more inclined to spend time with their own parents when they are adults. You reap what you sow.

It's tricky as it does show what a nice man your dh is really. Surely you'd know when you got together that they were close. It sounds like he's feeling the pressure to support her, so maybe try marriage counselling to help you flesh out what you both see as OK, what both your boundaries are and how you stick to them. We got counselling regarding my FiL and the way my husband interacted with him and it was so useful to have an impartial person there, because it's so emotive and they're not just there for marriage breakdown!
Unfortunately he will want and need to see her and you'll have to support this, my husband was always clear that making "them or you" type arguments happen was very very distressing for him, and I suspect your husband will feel the same in knowing your feelings about his mum. Don't make him choose or feel that you're a blocker, it's about him feeling comfortable in his commitment to her and you both agreeing what's reasonable.

MIL is reaping what she has sown because OP doesn't want someone with her MIL's racist and homophobic views constantly in her home. She doesn't want her children to pick up on the awful things she says.

OP's DH's sister wants absolutely nothing to do with her mum so now the whole burden falls on her DH. He gets so overwhelmed by having to pander to his mum's needs that he is often in tears.

If OP's MIL was a kind and decent person, I'm sure she would be welcome in OP's and her own daughter's homes. As she's not a decent person, she isn't welcome.