DH sees MIL every day

[anonymous670]

Name changed for this one because I’m prepared to be slated 😬

DH sees his mum typically 3 times a week, but lately it’s become almost every day. Sometimes he goes to her, mostly her to us. She also calls him at least twice a day, often when we’re out.

I don’t know if this is ‘normal’ but I find it really intruding and overbearing. This week he has seen her on Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and today. Anytime I mention I think it’s a bit much he gets really defensive and accuses me of being horrible. He’s not open to any kind of discussion.

For context, MIL lives on her own but is very active, works 3 days a week and has other family close by who she sees each evening.

I don’t know if I’m unreasonable in thinking this is really suffocating and intruding on our family time. I also don’t know how to articulate why I think it’s unreasonable, if it is.

My own mum sees DS twice a week, but I’m starting to get worried DS will form a closer bond with MIL, who for various reasons is not someone we both want to have a big influence over his values! Am I just paranoid that he will, or is it inevitable?!

She only lives 5 minutes away which doesn’t help. We’ll be moving in a couple of months to ever so slightly further but I’m worried the expectation to have such easy access to us is already set.

To complicate matters, we’re also TTC. If we are fortunate enough, when the time comes, it will be my own mum who’s around more to support me (DH agrees). But I can see that causing a whole load of other issues… Am I just being horrible!?

clock into OP’s “see all” and read the crucial details she added about the whole situation, the hubby actually doesn’t want to be dealing with his mother so much

i'd find it excessive for either parent to see their parent every day a week - unless DS is a baby and you want help or MIL is recently bereaved or disabled. A quick phone call or text or whatsap group and a couple of visits is enough, would still have been too much for me.

It's not really a strange thing to say. Normal for kids to be closer to the grandparents they see more.

I think that's a huge amount. DH only sees his mum once every few months.

I disagree with this, i think who you have around you hugely influences the kind of person you are, and the strength of feeling created between you, and them. It's often why people in prison reoffend, and why addicts have to remove themselves from other addicts if they want to get clean. I believe love or hate, are both a product of time spent, whereas indifference is a product of little time spent. It doesn't matter that she's his mother, it does matter that she's a good person, and someone whose personality you would like as a role model.

How old is she OP? At first I assumed she was in her 80s to need this sort of constant popping in or very disabled.
But given your probable ages, sounds like she's only in her 60s which is young for needed that level of 'suppprt'.
I do believe it is intrusive on your small family time to go round every day and ring as well. Even more so given how stressed it is making him.

I really don’t understand why some posters choose NOT to avail themselves of the ‘See all OP’s posts’ feature, especially since the app was upgraded a while to include this feature.

These posters are just inventing a false dialogue - what really is the point??

My mother used to do this to me. It was part of her controlling my life and continuing the abusive power stuff that I grew up with. If I got a partner it ramped up and was essentially attention-seeking.
Having read your posts I suspect you've got a narcissist for a MiL. Have a look for the Stately Homes threads which might help.

I don't think there is anything wrong with someone dropping in on a parent frequently if they are nearby. If he spent hours and hours there it would be different.

I am sorry you have problems with her values. Tell us more, is she a Daily Mail reading, flag-waving xenophobe or something? I would hate that influence around my child but I'd say something like, "None of that talk in front of her/him, it's not appropriate, children need to grow up to form opinions independently", and enforce it. They have enough influences around them without nastiness from their nearest and dearest.

My late husband had an uncle like that, you couldn't be in his company for more than five minutes without him coming out with something. He was like a polished Alf Garnett. However we didn't see him that often.

I hope I am wrong about your mother-in-law but, as an elderly person, I encounter those attitudes frequently.

Other than that, if your husband is not absent from home for long periods, I wouldn't worry. I note his sister is less keen to visit her mother. Hmmmm, that is telling.

I think if you need peace and privacy at home sometimes you could agree at least a couple days a week are 'guest free'

My DH isn't close to his mum but some PIL are always at ours and we end up having dinner with them several times a week. My older son is more bonded with my MIL than my DM because she's always here whereas I see my mum once a week. PIL always message me instead of DH and will tell anyone that we're super close. However, I'm much closer to my mum.

I'm kind to them because I have two boys and I'd hope their partners are kind to me. It does get too much though because I know that even if I got divorced my PIL will still follow me around.

I can only think of it on my own terms. And if my partner tried to tell me I shouldn't see my mum whenever I or she wanted then I'd find it controlling and cruel. But mine is disabled and elderly and does genuinely need me there a lot of the time.
Is it because you feel he's just trying to avoid you, or the responsibility of family life?

Your husband is setting an example to your son of how to love and care for his mother as she is getting older. That’s worth reflecting on.

Equally i get that too much of anyone can start to grate. Speak to husband about gently pushing back. Eg we can’t do Wednesday evening this week, but why don’t you pop in Saturday afternoon?

both husband I speak to our parents more or less daily and I don’t think that’s odd.

I don't think it's a good idea for married adults with small children to see their healthy, active parents almost every day.

I agree with others that it depends on various factors.
How long are these visits? Half an hour or half a day?
In what way is it impacting on family life as you say?
What is the proportion of her visiting at your house and he visiting at hers? Because if I was only expected to see her once a week then the visits by him to her would bother me less (unless they are excessive!)
What are the values you disagree with? I mean if she’s homophobic or racist that would be a huge deal for me, other factors less so.

And your mum trumps his mum .
Ok for your mum to be no1 but not dh mum.
Ok to spend time with your mum but not dh mum .
This pisses me off .

This

I find it a bit strange that you say you do not want your son taking on your mil values. Did she bring up your husband? If so presumably he turned out just fine.

I had an ex who had a very unhealthy relationship with his mum- she was needy and clingy and he was very enmeshed with her. It made me feel very uncomfortable.

Don't know if this is the case here but I felt like you did even though I didn't fully understand the dynamic at the time. Something just seemed off.

It's actually totally normal and natural for a woman to want her mum around for support when she has a baby rather than her MIL. Get over it.

It’s pretty normal for a man too

Mothers and fathers are not undifferentiated parents.The maternal grandmother has a different role to the paternal grandmother.

When has a man ever gone through pregnancy, labour, birth and all that entails?

Not necessarily. My MIL has always been very hands on and emotionally supportive too. I don't actually see any difference in her role and my own mum's role.

Please consider moving further away from her so daily visits aren’t possible.