To be upset by this reason for not coming to my wedding?

[Thegirlintheredsunglasses]

My fiancé and I are planning to get married in 2027. Our dream wedding would be in our favourite place in Italy. We pretty much ruled it out at first because we knew it is a lot to ask of people and a lot of people probably won’t be able to come. I was getting a bit stressed out with the guest list, not wanting to cause upset whilst also sticking to a reasonable budget. I suddenly thought, why not still do it abroad but have a smaller, intimate wedding with immediate family and then have a party over here as a celebration with extended family etc. (after having a look, it’s also so much cheaper, so that’s a massive bonus!)

I decided to ask my closest family first whether they would be up for it. One family member that I am very very close to and really want to be there said “I can’t because of the dog” I said well this will only be for immediate family so couldn’t your partner or someone else look after him? She said “my partner works through the day”

AIBU to be upset by this? I’m trying not to be because I know it’s a lot to ask. And if she would have said “oh I’m not sure, I’d have to see if I can sort out arrangements for the dog” that would’ve been absolutely fine. It’s just the fact that without even thinking about how to make it work, she just said no straight away. I’m giving 2 years notice! I’m not here to slag her off, I feel guilty writing this because I really love her dearly but it’s hurt me how she would gladly miss my wedding rather than try to find someone to look after her dog, or leave him with her partner for a few days.

Please tell me IABU to be upset over this? I haven’t said anything to her though, I’ve just left it.

Nobody else cares about your wedding anywhere near as much as you do. Not even close.

The only way “destination” weddings come across as not enormously self-important is if they are happening where one party is from or lives.

If you go ahead, you have to accept that people won’t come, irrespective of how close they are to you. You are asking them to use annual leave and money to take a holiday that they haven’t chosen, with people they haven’t selected.

If you really want people there, make it as easy as possible for them (ie not abroad or somewhere so remote that they have to stay!) and take your honeymoon where you choose.

Spoiler alert, your wedding is not as important to other people as it is to you. Their reasons for not attending are exactly that, theirs.

Also do remember that you are inviting people to attend. It is not a demand.

You are not being unreasonable to feel upset about this, but you have to accept that some people won't be able to attend a destination wedding and be ok with that. It also doesn't matter what that reason is.

By the way, I've been to a destination wedding and it was incredible. So much so that we would have loved a similar wedding but we decided against it as we knew there would be some close family who wouldn't be able to attend, and it was more important to us to have the people there who we loved.

Noone wants to go to a double wedding, especially with an aboard component. That's twice the dog sitting and expense. Might be cheaper for you, but it won't be for anyone else.

Good decision to just get married here. I also wouldn’t wait two years. Once you’re married you’ll realise how

You can’t expect people to spend time and money going abroad to celebrate your relationship while you refuse to include their partner. That’s ridiculous.

It probably wasn’t about the dog!

My sister is like this. You’re going to have to let go of your (very reasonable) expectations of a person like that. Unfortunately she can’t be who you want her to be. Have your wedding your way and enjoy your day!

You need to offer everyone invited to Italy wedding a plus one. Absolutely wild that you think everyone would be happy to travel on their own to a wedding abroad! Location weddings are a faff but they can be enjoyable if you can make a holiday of it, for most of your guests this will be because they can bring their partner.

Its simple. You asked if she would do it, she said no. Get over yourself.

I won’t leave our animals with anyone else so the dog thing is totally legit to me.

It's the risk you take when you have a "destination" wedding. People can't/won't/don't want to travel.

She might have said it was because of the dog, but it could actually be any number of conceivable reasons. Anything from finances to hates Italian food.

If I was you I’d have a lovely honeymoon in your favourite place after a wedding in the U.K. Also if you don’t want to spend tens of thousands….don’t. Find somewhere lovely for an intimate wedding in UK and then have a party. Spend the rest on your lovely honeymoon.

You asked, they told you.

To be honest if you are going to get this upset about plans for a destination wedding two years in the future I would stock up on tissues now, because it is only going to get worse. My advice is

Either
go to the abroad destination as a holiday and get married with random witnesses pulled in from the street, come home have party
Or
elope in the UK , come home have party
Or
have a small wedding and then a big party in the UK

You are having a fantasy wedding in your head, and the dreams of the wedding are clouding the reasons why you want to marry in the first place, be careful fulfilling the fantasy this doesn’t become the only reason you get married - it can happen. Remember that other people haven’t read your fantasy wedding script, so can inadvertently go off piste if you ask them questions and they answer honestly.

That’s ridiculous- you’re asking family to spend money on flights, accommodation, book annual leave - essentially a holiday, but not inviting their partners? That’s an unreasonable expectation and most people will feel put out to spend that amount of money without at least getting a holiday out of it.

Inviting someone to a destination wedding and not inviting their partner is terrible wedding etiquette.

You're asking her to spend money and time to go on a brief holiday without her partner. If they usually holiday together, and are on a budget, that will negatively impact their ability to have a nice holiday together that year, because she'll have spend hundreds of pounds, plus potentially some annual leave, attending your wedding.
The dog was probably an attempt to say "no" politely - don't make it difficult by suggesting workarounds. Even if it wasn't a fib, she knows her own life better than you do, your suggestions are unlikely to be things she hasn't already thought of.

You want to get married in Italy for your sake. It's your wedding & your choice. Just as it's others choice not to attend.

yup...Phoebe again.

This is the exact reason I wanted to change my plans and just have immediate family at a more intimate wedding. So that absolutely no one has a plus one as a blanket rule. It would just be parents, grandparents and siblings that’s it.

Yeah but what about that is remotely appealing for them, having to comply with your 'blanket rule'? Your plans are your plans, they have their own lives to live.

So it is your sister then? And you are not inviting their partner? I can see why she has declined to be honest. Have it in the UK and honeymoon in Italy.

I think weddings abroad are cheaper for you but more expensive for guests so in a way the cost is being passed onto them. Whether they will go depends on their circumstances/ priorities. For one of my sons or my sisters I would obviously go even if that meant going without and eating beans on toast that month! For anyone else it would depend on finances and if I could actually afford it.

A wedding is about you not the guests so do what you want but if it’s abroad some people you want there are probably not going to be able to make it, which is fair enough.

I am always amazed by the number of people who won’t go to a wedding without their other half.

Is it just weddings or any sort of travel alone? Would you say go to a work conference in Italy without your other half, go on a holiday with your sister? Go on a girls holiday?

why wouldn’t you go to a wedding without your other half? Is it because you believe weddings are about romance so your union should be respected? Is it because you don’t like being alone? Is it because you are a nervous traveler? Is it because you don’t like being separated? Is it because if you are going to spend money on a. Flight it will be for a joint holiday?

Your updates just make it worse.

Are you U to be upset your sister has declined your wedding? No. Are you U to expect her to commit to coming in 2 years time without her partner? Very U.

You asked, she answered. I bet she's not the only one. Do the others realise there are no husbands/wives/partners (kids?) Invited?

Can I ask why, particularly if you’re not paying for all of their expenses? Is there a dislike there or something we’re not aware of? I wouldn’t want to travel to a destination wedding without my DH (and we’re not joined at the hip) as you can make it a bit of a holiday then. It’s good wedding etiquette to include a plus one for all day guests.

I'm sorry I don't get the reference. What does that mean please?

best refusal EVER.
She says "I wish i could but I don't want to" The image is up now.