To be upset by this reason for not coming to my wedding?

[Thegirlintheredsunglasses]

My fiancé and I are planning to get married in 2027. Our dream wedding would be in our favourite place in Italy. We pretty much ruled it out at first because we knew it is a lot to ask of people and a lot of people probably won’t be able to come. I was getting a bit stressed out with the guest list, not wanting to cause upset whilst also sticking to a reasonable budget. I suddenly thought, why not still do it abroad but have a smaller, intimate wedding with immediate family and then have a party over here as a celebration with extended family etc. (after having a look, it’s also so much cheaper, so that’s a massive bonus!)

I decided to ask my closest family first whether they would be up for it. One family member that I am very very close to and really want to be there said “I can’t because of the dog” I said well this will only be for immediate family so couldn’t your partner or someone else look after him? She said “my partner works through the day”

AIBU to be upset by this? I’m trying not to be because I know it’s a lot to ask. And if she would have said “oh I’m not sure, I’d have to see if I can sort out arrangements for the dog” that would’ve been absolutely fine. It’s just the fact that without even thinking about how to make it work, she just said no straight away. I’m giving 2 years notice! I’m not here to slag her off, I feel guilty writing this because I really love her dearly but it’s hurt me how she would gladly miss my wedding rather than try to find someone to look after her dog, or leave him with her partner for a few days.

Please tell me IABU to be upset over this? I haven’t said anything to her though, I’ve just left it.

YANBU. Ridiculous to instantly decline an invite because of a dog! Plenty of kennels and home boarders around. I would have expected a partner to be invited though. It's Italy, not the Maldives - not that expensive. The fact she dismissed the idea, without even thinking about it would piss me off too.

Some people enjoy spending time with their partners, crazy i know. Unless you have a group of friends also going to said wedding I don't get the comparison with a girls holiday, nor a work trip where presumably you're reimbursed the money and have stuff to do with others when there. Personally I enjoy having my husband at a wedding seen as though weddings are all about love.

Surely it's not hard to understand that people have limited annual leave and money and so if they're expected to spend a chunk of both those on a trip to Italy, they want to share it with their DP if they have any kind of a decent relationship. They can choose to go on holidays with friends of course, or on solo round-the-world yachting trips, but that's not really relevant to this. They're not choosing this trip, OP is planning it for them and made the 'blanket rule' that only immediate family can go. Do they want to spend their holiday with their immediate family? Loads of people don't and there's no end of aggro on here with family holidays like that let alone mixing them with weddings. So I don't think this can be extrapolated to be about people being too chicken to holiday without DP. It's the whole unappealing prospect that OP has devised that it's much easier to say no to now and not have two years of not looking forward to it. You just know in two years time there'd be stressful scenarios with 'sister is now pregnant and can't travel to wedding' or 'grandparent is ill' etc etc.

Its why I HATE the save the date thing. How do I know what I will be doing in a year's time?

Better that she did though, no? If it's that cut and dried to her, then it's a non-starter and much better to be clear from the off before OP gets any more invested in the fantasy.

Maybe she is lying? Does not have the funds and lying? I always used to lie like that in the past when I had no money and people invited me to places, I felt I could not state the real reason in case they offered to lend me money or, worse still, offered to treat me.

I think a big issue is not allowing partners. Most couples have joint money so they'd have to use a big chunk of the joint money and annual leave to attend your wedding. I think most couples would rather use their shared money and annual leave for a holiday with their partners. I certainly would and I'm definitely not someone who has to do everything with my DH. In fact, I'm very independent but our money and annual leave is limited so I couldn't justify spending thousands of pounds on just me abd therefore limiting holiday options with DH.

I hate the save the date thing too. Someone sent me a save the date thing once, so I did, and I turned down a paid gig which was very well paid and then I didn't get an invite in the end because she'd decided she wanted a smaller wedding.

No more saving the date for me until there's an actual invite.

Just asking. I find it odd that someone wouldn’t go on a holiday to a wedding with their immediate family unless their partner came too. It’s a short break. With very close family.

from your response I’m no clearer! Of course you enjoy spending time with your partner - but does that mean you can never ever be apart?

or is it offense that the partner wasn’t invited?

Pet sitters charge at least £30 per night. Not a poor excuse in my opinion.

'It would just be parents, grandparents and siblings that’s it.'

and already other people have said no - 'A few people said no due to finances or fear of flying '

so including your close sibling, how many are a few that have said no ?

I hate save the date too. It always comes across as a bit of an order for me to do this😂

I have worked with people who have refused to go on work trips because they don’t travel without their husband. It’s always women. I have never worked with a man who wouldn’t go away without his wife.

i just find it strange.

I have also read very angry posts from women whose boyfriend or husband hasn’t been invited to a wedding. Like you they argue it’s about celebrating love so their love should also be recognized and celebrated😂. I suppose everyone is different / but I have never heard a man get so emotional about it. You accept or decline. It’s just an invitation not a personal attack.

My view on weddings is as thus:

You can invite people, and if they cannot attend for whatever reason then you have to understand that that is that.

So YANBU having a destination wedding, if you would like one. Italy is lovely!
But on the same vein, YABVVU to be annoyed/ upset/ let down if guests can’t attend due to whatever reason. Be that a dog/ child care/ work/ money whatever, that’s their perogative.

As others have highlighted, it’s not about “never being apart”. I go on work trips frequently (reimbursed…) without my husband and we both go on holidays with friends too. A close family wedding, however, partners really should be invited - it’s etiquette. So, yes, most would probably take offence to their not being invited. And then there’s the annual leave argument - I’d rather use AL for something I want to do with my husband, by making the wedding into a holiday, than using precious days on a trip I never asked for. That’s just my personal opinion, though.

She is just using excuse so she doesn't have to openly tell you that she doesn't want to pay yo go party abroad. Whatever this is planned abroad is NOT a wedding. Your wedding is in UK, you are just planning extra party which is for many simply waste of money, but are too polite to say

*We pretty much ruled it out at first because we knew it is a lot to ask of people and a lot of people probably won’t be able to come"

And yet when your sister said she wasn't able to come because of the dog you were upset and offended.

If you have a destination wedding a lot of people won't be able to come and a lot of people won't want to come.

It's a hell of a lot of money to fork out to fly somewhere, find a hotel (though you were offering accommodation as part of the wedding package so that was good but many don't), pay for a dog sitter, spending money etc.
Then you have the annual leave issue with people having to use up annual leave for you.
Then you didn't invite partners so it meant your sister would have to fork out the money, take annual leave, find and pay for a pet sitter because the partner has to work and this reduces money and annual leave available for them to have a joint holiday at some other point during the year.

I'm glad you've decided to change your mind and have the wedding back home.

If you want a wedding abroad and you’re inviting close family and friends or whatever, I’d assume this meant with their partners. I’d never go to a wedding of someone I was close to if my DH wasn’t invited- that’s just odd!

However, her reason for not coming isn’t because of that but it sounds like she’s making an excuse as doesn’t want to come. So either do it abroad and expect not everyone to come or in this country with more people!

or abroad just you and DH to be and a local party with everyone?

I’d be quite taken aback to be asked to attend a wedding abroad and be told my partner wasn’t invited. The dog reason is perhaps a little unreasonable, but to then be told “oh well your partner wasn’t invited anyway so why can’t they look after it?” would have put my back up and made me less inclined to sort the issue.

This. Why don’t you just go to Italy for your honeymoon rather than force people to spend 100s and 100s on attending your wedding 🤷🏼‍♀️ sorry but I think it’s extremely self-centred and you can’t be too offended when people say no to your elaborate and expensive plans.

Literally nothing in my response suggested I can never be apart from my husband, we do a lot apart but weddings not so much. I suppose the real answer is- everyone is different and it's possible to empathise with why people may wish to attend a wedding with their partner?

I have worked with people who have refused to go on work trips because they don’t travel without their husband. It’s always women. I have never worked with a man who wouldn’t go away without his wife.

Literally never heard any woman say this and I've done a lot of travelling in my career, I guess anecdotes don't really tell us much.

Have you thought about how much money and time you’re asking your guests to give up, just because you want to get married in a different country? I haven’t had a foreign holiday for six years. There are financial and health reasons for that in our case, but others might have a whole range of reasons why they can’t travel. I certainly wouldn’t be able to attend a wedding in Italy, however close I was to the bride. I would be hurt and disappointed if someone close to me made such a tone-deaf and selfish choice, and if they then sulked about my non-attendance I would probably distance myself from them.

We went to a very close friend's wedding in Italy - everything except our flights was paid for and we had a fantastic time.

The actual marriage ceremony at the local town hall, however, could only be attended by the couple's parents and children, who couldn't go into the room where the ceremony (such as it was - it involved sitting in front of a desk whilst the 'registrar' read out the legal bits, an interpreter translated for them and then they signed the certificate) took place and had to wait outside.

The next day, a fake ceremony (attended by about 60 guests) took place in a beautiful venue, followed by an amazing dinner, party, etc. It was great. But the actual marriage was far less of an occasion than if they'd had one in a UK registry office.

Exactly this. The arrogance of expecting people to spend a fortune on travelling abroad is baffling.

I don’t see how anyone commits to an event two years in advance.
Finances change.
Health can change.
Life situations can change.

You can’t expect everyone to a) commit and b) turn up.