To be upset by this reason for not coming to my wedding?

[Thegirlintheredsunglasses]

My fiancé and I are planning to get married in 2027. Our dream wedding would be in our favourite place in Italy. We pretty much ruled it out at first because we knew it is a lot to ask of people and a lot of people probably won’t be able to come. I was getting a bit stressed out with the guest list, not wanting to cause upset whilst also sticking to a reasonable budget. I suddenly thought, why not still do it abroad but have a smaller, intimate wedding with immediate family and then have a party over here as a celebration with extended family etc. (after having a look, it’s also so much cheaper, so that’s a massive bonus!)

I decided to ask my closest family first whether they would be up for it. One family member that I am very very close to and really want to be there said “I can’t because of the dog” I said well this will only be for immediate family so couldn’t your partner or someone else look after him? She said “my partner works through the day”

AIBU to be upset by this? I’m trying not to be because I know it’s a lot to ask. And if she would have said “oh I’m not sure, I’d have to see if I can sort out arrangements for the dog” that would’ve been absolutely fine. It’s just the fact that without even thinking about how to make it work, she just said no straight away. I’m giving 2 years notice! I’m not here to slag her off, I feel guilty writing this because I really love her dearly but it’s hurt me how she would gladly miss my wedding rather than try to find someone to look after her dog, or leave him with her partner for a few days.

Please tell me IABU to be upset over this? I haven’t said anything to her though, I’ve just left it.

Why not just get married in the UK and then go on honeymoon to the special place in Italy? Don’t overcomplicate it. Nobody really likes destination weddings. Who really wants to spend lots of money to go off to somebody else’s dream location. And then perhaps have no holiday and less annual leave that year themselves as a result.

Sounds like someone didn’t think things through and is now getting upset about it 😂

A lot can change in 2 years OP. You talk about ‘my wedding’ not ‘our wedding . Will you even be together in 2 years??

My cat has never been in a cattery. We have had a cat sitter once and a relative normally moves in when we are away. Cat was born in 2008 and there is no way I would put her in a cattery at this point. She wouldnt know we were coming back and that could really affect her health.

You wanted to sound people out before you booked it, and now you have. It’s not her fault she didn’t give you the answer you wanted. She doesn’t have to pretend it would have been great, it’s fine to just say no and that’s it.

We are in a cost of living crisis.

A destination wedding is an expensive choice for your guests. Flights and accommodation on top of outfits and wedding gift. Also use of annual leave for somewhere they haven't chosen to go.

They may have blamed the dog rather than saying they don't want to go to a destination wedding.

I think this is the choice you make if you go abroad to get married, not everyone will chose to come.

But it's just an excuse. Is this wedding trip going to cost guests a lot of money. If so then you are the selfish one, Sorry.

I wouldn’t dream of attending a destination wedding so YABU.

She's going to your wedding. What's the issue? What your proposing is a wedding themed holiday that her partner isn't invited to. So the money they could spend on their holiday will go on something for you
The dog may also be a bigger issue than you think

It also sounds like you've said their partner isn't invited which may make things awkward at home.

And if he was invited they'd need to also cost in the cost of a pet sitter or kennels.

The dog is an excuse. Going abroad for weddings is hassle and expense. You’re asking her to use leave and her partner to use leave to look after the dog to go somewhere not of her choosing, without each other (perhaps meaning they will have to forgo a holiday they would have had together) at significant expense and because she’ll be at the wedding she probably won’t even see any of the place she’s travelled to. Some people are happy to do that, some aren’t. There doesn’t need to be a “valid” excuse, it’s a lot to ask and if she doesn’t want to then that should be ok.

The other way of looking at it is that you care more about the venue than close family being able to attend. We had friends do this- foreign wedding with no kids allowed (we had two) Laid it on thick about how much they wanted us there (just not enough to make it practical for us to go). We moved heaven and earth to be there at significant cost so we could watch them pretend to get married (too complicated to do the legal bit abroad so had already done it in the UK). It was a lovely “wedding” but they were divorced 2 years later so we don’t even talk about it any more. Should’ve saved my £2k

There's also a big difference between being able to afford something and actually wanting to spend the money on it.

I can afford a trip abroad but nobody on earth would make me feel like spending my money on going to their wedding abroad

My friend got married in Greece and we went to the wedding. It was wonderful but it cost us many thousands and it used a big chunk of our annual leave. These weddings aren't easy for the attendees. I can imaginebif someone doesn't want to leave their dog for long, it's the final straw.

How does anyone have any holiday leave to take for their own holidays if everyone has destination weddings, why does it have to be complicated these days?

There are maybe 6 people I would suck up the cost of attending their wedding abroad but my sister is one of them. (Thankfully of the 6 only 1 got married abroad.)

So people are allowed to say no, but only if the reason is acceptable to you?

YABVU

They don’t want to go. You have two choices. Deal with it and do it without them or don’t do it.

If you set any form of restriction on an event, including a wedding, then you risk people not coming.

an invitation to any event, including a wedding, is just that - it’s an invitation. It isn’t a summons that someone must attend, evenings fits inconvenient to them for whatever reason they chose.

Your wedding choices means that her partner isn’t invited, she will need to be away from home for a number of days, it will cost money to travel and stay, it will cost money to organise care for her dependant animal, etc.

You invited her. She has said it isn’t possible.

Your role now is to accept that graciously and not hold it against anyone.

I have flown overseas for a few weddings without DH but those family members live there, flights of 12 hours. Due to work commitments he just couldn’t make it Over the years it has become apparent that many people will not go to weddings without partners. It doesn’t bother me at all but many people are offended. He has attended two with me and was at least invited to al, of them. these are 3 day huge Chinese weddings with 3 outfits required.

I think not inviting your actual BIL was off and bad mannered though.
Also I quite like passing where DH and I got married, it’s near my home town so not near where we live but when I go back we pass it. You won’t be passing Italy.

Op I think it’s lovely that you took your family into consideration and changed your plans. I hope you have a brilliant wedding and maybe over two years you can save to have a beautiful honeymoon in Italy that will still mean a lot to you.

I do think you should have a non confrontational word with your sister about how she feels about you getting married and why she is worried leaving her dog. Maybe explain how important she is to you and that you are hoping she will be able to act as MOH. If you are usually honest and forthcoming with each other it is better to clear the air. Obviously don’t let her think she is the reason you have changed your plans. With some dog owners they might not want to leave the dog for a whole day even if near by so it’s worth finding out what her priorities are.

People may chose not to attend due to no partners.
Lots if people have a limited number of leave of absence days so not everyone will be happy to use them when not able to go away with their partner/family.

Slightly different take - you’re asking her to pay out to come on a multi-generation holiday, at a location of your choice, without any partners invited (so no real way to escape or dilute the family dynamics).

Whilst on the family holiday, everyone will get dressed up and watch one of the family get married.

It’d be a no from me just based on the tinder box that most multi-generational family holidays are, no matter how well everyone gets on in normal life.

“Pay loads of money to come to Italy and watch me get married and everyone fall out. Then do it all again at a party when we get back…”

It doesn’t make sense that long-term partners or married spouses of your siblings to be excluded from a wedding. If any of my siblings suggested this I would refuse to go and wouldn’t even make any excuse.

Expecting anyone to pay for an overseas trip just to attend your destination wedding is always unreasonable, but expecting your sister im assuming, to do so and leave her husband at home is really really unreasonable.

It also shows guests how much the bride and groom cares about them too.
Having a wedding which excludes people, like partners, costs guests a ton of money, involves them using days of annual leave, etc shows guests that the bride and groom are not necessarily thinking of their guests.