To be upset by this reason for not coming to my wedding?

[Thegirlintheredsunglasses]

My fiancé and I are planning to get married in 2027. Our dream wedding would be in our favourite place in Italy. We pretty much ruled it out at first because we knew it is a lot to ask of people and a lot of people probably won’t be able to come. I was getting a bit stressed out with the guest list, not wanting to cause upset whilst also sticking to a reasonable budget. I suddenly thought, why not still do it abroad but have a smaller, intimate wedding with immediate family and then have a party over here as a celebration with extended family etc. (after having a look, it’s also so much cheaper, so that’s a massive bonus!)

I decided to ask my closest family first whether they would be up for it. One family member that I am very very close to and really want to be there said “I can’t because of the dog” I said well this will only be for immediate family so couldn’t your partner or someone else look after him? She said “my partner works through the day”

AIBU to be upset by this? I’m trying not to be because I know it’s a lot to ask. And if she would have said “oh I’m not sure, I’d have to see if I can sort out arrangements for the dog” that would’ve been absolutely fine. It’s just the fact that without even thinking about how to make it work, she just said no straight away. I’m giving 2 years notice! I’m not here to slag her off, I feel guilty writing this because I really love her dearly but it’s hurt me how she would gladly miss my wedding rather than try to find someone to look after her dog, or leave him with her partner for a few days.

Please tell me IABU to be upset over this? I haven’t said anything to her though, I’ve just left it.

At the end of the day it's just a wedding. More importantly, it's the marriage that follows that is more important. I wouldn't sweat it, personally.

I wouldn't go to Italy to attend a wedding personally, because despite having two years to save up I doubt I'd still have enough to go!

Op someone being able to afford it doesn't mean they have to spend that much money for someone's wedding. Having the money is one thing but that doesn't mean they want to benchmark their cash for you. Sorry I don't want to be rude to you at all, you want your family there i understand this but I know from myself when family expect certain things because 'i can afford it ', having the money doesn't actually mean I can afford it. You make assumptions that it will only cost flights but that's not true. You need travel insurance, spending money, money at the airport , getting to the airport, buying extra bits you might need ...it all adds up, and believe me even on a budget you can get to hundreds of pounds.

Yabu. Not everyone wants to attend a destination wedding no matter who they are to you. Cost, the dog, her partner not being invited will all play a part in her decision

I think the dog thing was her top of the head excuese not to go to your destination wedding, with blood relatives only. It's your vision, but people aren't props.

I’m sure I sound miserable for saying this but other people’s weddings are draining.
I understand they are a big deal for the 2 getting married but for most people it’s just other celebration and they are just getting more and more expensive/ time consuming.
People having 1 wedding abroad then another celebration at home, so for some guests that’s basically a holiday they didn’t choose to pay for, then another day taken up at a later date.
The outfits to pay for, gifts, annual leave to take, possibly babysitters to sort out… and now we can’t even say no

That's what stood out for me too! So rude.

"Hey family member who I'm really close to, I want you to spend hundreds of pounds to come to my wedding abroad but I don't like your partner so could he please just take time off work and look after your dog to so you can come without him?"

I wonder why she said no?

actually @Thegirlintheredsunglasses

you've been a bit disingenuous because in your original post you stated

"but it’s hurt me how she would gladly miss my wedding rather than try to find someone to look after her dog, or leave him with her partner for a few days"

eta; and that was what people were responding to

You expect her to go to an overseas wedding and not invite your brother in law? Immediate family only should include him. Extremely rude not to.
And valid reason about the dog. Why should it go into kennels which will cost loads of money and stress for the dog, when you don't even want your sister's partner at the wedding.
Hard no from me.

I personally wouldn’t go away and leave my dog to only have company morning and evening, it wouldn’t be fair.

‘Majority’. No need to take offence.

Our last rescue dog got so stressed when we left her to go away that she was seriously ill. We only did it once, and we never went away without her again because we couldn't do that to her. They are a commitment, and if you have a dog you make that commitment to them to do what's in their best interests

There were options for us in that I could go somewhere, or DH could, but we couldn't both go unless we could take the dog. And sometimes I couldn't go because of DHs shifts (they used to be 12 hours) and not being allowed to take AL at certain times of the year. We had tried dog walkers etc but it didn't stop her stressing so it wasn't a solution that works.

So there were times I'd have said no outright, and it would have been because of the dog, because I knew without thinking it through that the time of year meant no AL for DH and therefore it was a "blackout" for me going anywhere she couldn't go.

Some pet owners just don’t leave their pets ever, and sacrifice their holidays for a pet. (I am not one of these btw, but know people who are!)
When they got their dog, they may have had a lot of conversations about how they’ll look after it and made a decision to sacrifice trips away, so they shouldn’t have to change this because of your decision to get married abroad.
I also probably wouldn’t love the idea of going to a wedding in Italy without my partner.

Well the point is she's made it clear she doesn't want to travel for the wedding. I don't think being hurt is a response that follows. It's really not an entitlement that people Should make such a wedding work. It's an inconvenience and an expense if her partner wasn't expected to go. Fine to float the idea but best you've had an honest response rather than people going who were worried about the money or logistics or whatever for what? You like the place? Great. Have a holiday or honeymoon there.

I will be honest. Unless you were my sister I wouldn’t go either. I get 20 days annual leave, have 4 kids and family holidays are my priority. I would kindly tell you that straight and inform you I will not be attending

op I know a couple who haven’t holidayed together for 8 years because they didn’t want to leave their cat. Their cat got stressed apparently.
so they took separate holidays.
cat just died so they are planning a week away in the near future.
you can’t judge people for putting their pets ahead of you. Some people prioritise their pets

I think her reasons are valid.

She may not feel comfortable putting her Dog in a kennel, not everyone does. But even if she was OK with it in theory, she is NBU to object to paying kennel fees, on top of flights, so that you can get married somewhere that's cheaper for you.

As for asking if her DP can look after the Dog, YABVU to not invite your sisters DP to your wedding and then suggest he use his precious annual leave to look after the Dog so that she can attend. I wouldn't go to the expense and hassle of attending a wedding abroad where my DP wasn't invited anyway, but excluding him and then hoping he can take time off work to dog-sit is taking the piss.

It doesn’t really matter what it’s about. It’s the fact there was no “I’m not sure we can make it but let me give it a bit of thought for a few days”. Just immediately saying no is hurtful.

My dsis tried this. We all shot it down pretty quick. We all could afford it too. BUT it’s a huge ask of spouses to use their AL to end up doing all the childcare because the siblings would be busy with wedding stuff. Not to mention that some had kids in school etc. I truly loathe destination weddings. It’s such a huge ask of people.

You can’t leave a dog alone all day, she’s right there. And she might not want to put it in kennels, which is an opinion she’s allowed to hold.

I wouldn’t want to go to my sister’s wedding without my partner and would be hurt that you’d ask, but I might feel awkward saying that to you so use the dog as my cover story as I don’t want to have a row.

I’d get married here and have a lovely honeymoon in your favourite place, doing everything you want to do as a couple and not having to worrry about anyone else.

Also, 2 years worth of savings I'm sure you wouldn't want to blow on someone's wedding!

I was very slow typing my response, so I hadn't seen all the replies when I posted!

In general, MN users hate weddings. Obviously this is a blanket statement and not ever single person will. But in general, the attitudes I read here are very different to what I have experience IRL. Maybe my experience is the extreme in the other direction 🤷‍♀️. With my wedding, all my friends wanted to know if it was a hotel so they could stay (no) even ones who lived close. I asked if anyone might need or want to bring kids got a very resounding NO! I've also been to loads of weddings without my DH and he without me. I think that makes more sense than going with a partner if they don't know/haven't met the bride and groom. Obviously not if they don't know anyone else. But that's never been the case. Generally friend group from work or something.

Anyway, I understand the OPs frustration that they couldn't muster some enthusiasm, even if the answer would still be no. Wouldn't have killed her to say 'oh that sounds lovely, but I don't know if I'll be able to make it what with the dog and the cost' or similar. I think maybe she is pissed off her partner isn't going like people say. But then definitely wouldn't be able to sort the dog! Why knows?

YABVU
Get married here so everyone can come, not just a select few, without it being ridiculously expensive for them.
Going to your fave place in Italy is what your HONEYMOON is for!
Have a great honeymoon 🍕🍝🇮🇹

Just do it the old fashioned way - get married here and have a honeymoon in Italy.
I wouldn't be keen on an invitation to a destination wedding - all the faf of traveling with an outfit, arranging hairdressers/makeup etc it’d ruin a nice holiday for me, and I’d be quite likely to use my dogs as an excuse for not going, particularly if my husband NFI…

She hasn't lied to you and said yes and then no, further down the line. She's been clear that she can't go. That's better than people who try to spare your feelings initially but still end up letting you down.

My mum had a very anxious dog, who was only happy being cared for by a few people - my mum would have missed my brother's wedding, had I not missed it myself to look after the dog. People think that you can just put it in kennels or get a dog sitter and they truly don't understand how you could miss their wedding for a dog! But honestly, my mums dog wouldn't have survived kennels. The animal relies on its owner to care for it and they can't just let their much loved pet suffer, to attend a wedding, even though it's an important wedding.

There's also the fact that you are wanting a guest to travel, use up annual leave, spend money on flights/hotel etc and you aren't even inviting their partner. However much your relative loves you, most people don't really want to do that.

Lastly, people tend to assume that if the guests are really important to you, then you have the wedding in a place where they can relatively easily attend. That's not usually in another country.

I still think you should have your dream wedding but plan it on the assumption it will only be you and your partner present - anyone else is a bonus.

Well, we don't know the exact wording of the sister's response.
In my family and community, weddings are important, we all enjoy them and they're always great occasions. However, they're usually organised with consideration for the guests.