To be upset by this reason for not coming to my wedding?

[Thegirlintheredsunglasses]

My fiancé and I are planning to get married in 2027. Our dream wedding would be in our favourite place in Italy. We pretty much ruled it out at first because we knew it is a lot to ask of people and a lot of people probably won’t be able to come. I was getting a bit stressed out with the guest list, not wanting to cause upset whilst also sticking to a reasonable budget. I suddenly thought, why not still do it abroad but have a smaller, intimate wedding with immediate family and then have a party over here as a celebration with extended family etc. (after having a look, it’s also so much cheaper, so that’s a massive bonus!)

I decided to ask my closest family first whether they would be up for it. One family member that I am very very close to and really want to be there said “I can’t because of the dog” I said well this will only be for immediate family so couldn’t your partner or someone else look after him? She said “my partner works through the day”

AIBU to be upset by this? I’m trying not to be because I know it’s a lot to ask. And if she would have said “oh I’m not sure, I’d have to see if I can sort out arrangements for the dog” that would’ve been absolutely fine. It’s just the fact that without even thinking about how to make it work, she just said no straight away. I’m giving 2 years notice! I’m not here to slag her off, I feel guilty writing this because I really love her dearly but it’s hurt me how she would gladly miss my wedding rather than try to find someone to look after her dog, or leave him with her partner for a few days.

Please tell me IABU to be upset over this? I haven’t said anything to her though, I’ve just left it.

OP, you’re upset that you think your DS wasn’t prepared to even think about how she might be able to come to your wedding. But you hadn’t booked anything and were just asking what people thought. Your DS probably didn’t try and think about how to make it work because you hadn’t booked it - you were getting feedback about the idea your DS was taking the opportunity to be clear that it was not something she liked. If you’d actually booked it she may have moved heaven and earth to be there, despite wishing you hadn’t done it. Don’t let a hypothetical like this sour your relationship with your sister, even a little bit.

If I were in your sister's position and someone put me on the spot with an unexpected invite abroad, my first thought would be that no, it wouldn't work with my dog, because who is going to look after him. He can't be left in a kennels or with other dogs so it takes some planning. It is the first thing that my mind goes to because he is my no.1 responsibility. However, after the idea has been suggested and I have had time to think it over and consider options, then I might be more open to the idea.

I wouldn't take your sister's negative reaction to heart. It might be that no, she really doesn't want to go, or it might be that you need to give her some time to think it over. But it might also be that the dog is an excuse because she doesn't want to commit to going somewhere on holiday two years from now, I know I wouldn't want to do that myself. Yes, your wedding will no doubt be special, but it will also use up your guests holiday leave and budget, so in a way, you are deciding where their holiday will be that year.

You are 100% being silly.

It is incredibly crass to presume that you know the ins and outs of peoples finances (even your best friend) and what they can and can’t afford. Expecting people to commit to something in a foreign country two years in advance is… questionable.

Having a wedding abroad, putting out feelers to see if people will come, and getting upset when they won’t, is very unreasonable. It is unrealistic (and arrogant, tbh) to think that people should want to foot the bill for accommodation and flights to attend your wedding. The event is important to YOU - not everyone else.

I got married abroad in my husband’s country. I would never, ever get married abroad again - the pissing and whingeing from the UK contingent lasted longer than the actual marriage.

Just elope, the pair of you OR go on honeymoon to your favourite place in Italy.

It's a lot to expect people to go to weddings abroad.

This.

Always assume people know their minds, and don’t question their social excuses.

Wedding at home, honeymoon in favourite place sorts all this out.

Or maybe not - DH and I are invited to something and he absolutely will not leave ddog with anyone or put her in kennels. I know one of us will end up going alone.

Slightly off topic, but…

Pre children I was dog crazy. I mean CrAzY!!! Never had one as I didn’t have outside space for it and loved them too much to keep one cooped up.

Post children I physically recoil from most dogs.

However, this thread got me thinking about what sort of Venn diagram could be drawn between dog owners who wouldn’t dream of leaving their precious pooch in a kennel for an hour and those same people who also happen to have children but think nothing of leaving them in childcare for 12 hours x 5 times per week.

what a creative way to shame working parents😂

Am I wrong?

To be honest, she may be using this as an excuse because she can't afford it. Telling someone you can't afford something is a bit awkward that's why I think abroad weddings are a bit selfish if you're expecting people to travel. Sorry :(

I think asking people on the spot is probably not the way to go. Maybe write / text and explain your thinking and give them time to think through. As an aside I think asking people to travel abroad for a wedding party is a bit unreasonable. Probably more thoughtful and realistic to have your party somewhere accessible and affordable and then honeymoon abroad.

OP I disagree with most of the comments here and think your immediate family have shown a shocking lack of support for your wedding. With the exception of grandma, I think the excuses are v weak especially given how much notice you've given.

Yes destination weddings are a big ask but it's Italy not Australia, cheap flights can be found and surely in 2 years a dog sitter can be secured. Also these are immediate family not acquaintances. It feels like a total lack of interest on their part.

I think the fact you posed it as a question probably made them shoot it down quickly as it wasn't 100% convenient for them. If you'd just sent out invites I suspect they'd have found a way to attend.

Remember this when you're expected to go out of your way to accommodate something in their lives.

This is so strange. Why are you comparing a kennel to childcare?

Almost as extreme as physically recoiling from dogs.

I think 2 years is plenty of notice. I had an invite to a wedding in Italy for the first week in May sent out to me in January.

Maybe your relative doesn’t like flying? They might change their mind? It could also be financial reasons that they don’t want to go.

Would you not just have a lavish wedding in the UK so everyone can attend and then jet out to Italy for honeymoon perhaps?

I think 2 years is plenty of notice. I had an invite to a wedding in Italy for the first week in May sent out to me in January.
I've said before on this thread, I would not want to give up annual leave for a wedding whether you give me 2 years or 10 years notice!!!

Well you could probably explain just as well to a dog as a 1 year old about why they needed to be left all day. I’d say the levels of anxiety would be similar.

To be honest I would be more hurt at my own mother saying no because of money! There’s no way I would miss my daughters edding because of money

that is a lovely way to talk about, presumably, your family and friends who treckked to a foreign place to watch you get married? bloody hell, wind your neck in.

I don't have "blanket rules" about much. If i want to do something and can afford it, i generally will. If i don't want to do something and i can afford it, i generally won't. There are a few exceptions to that. If i can't afford it, no matter whether or not i want to - it ain't gonna happen.

pp mentioned their DCs going to a wedding abroad that is difficult to get to and they are moaning about it: they need to learn to say "no"

oh you must be patting yourself on the back from getting in that horrible, goady, provocative dig at people who use childcare.

Slow handclap to you for trying to childcare-shame other women.

yes

You’re a lot things that I would get banned for saying.

Not to be able to attend a wedding in two years time because of the dog sounds so ridiculous that I can only assume it’s not the reason at all.

Honestly, I think weddings abroad ask too much of guests, even close ones. Annual leave is precious, many of us can't afford the holidays we'd like anyway, and loving someone doesn't mean their wedding is the be all and end all of your annual budget of leave and money. YABU

I know you said it wasn’t an invitation but more of a “who would like to come with us if we do this?” but truthfully there’s no polite way of saying “No thanks, I’ll pass”. If you really don’t mind if no-one comes then just let it go, and make sure everyone knows you’re ok with that. But it does sound as though you’d be disappointed not to have people along, whatever the reason.