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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by this reason for not coming to my wedding?

531 replies

Thegirlintheredsunglasses · 19/04/2025 08:06

My fiancé and I are planning to get married in 2027. Our dream wedding would be in our favourite place in Italy. We pretty much ruled it out at first because we knew it is a lot to ask of people and a lot of people probably won’t be able to come. I was getting a bit stressed out with the guest list, not wanting to cause upset whilst also sticking to a reasonable budget. I suddenly thought, why not still do it abroad but have a smaller, intimate wedding with immediate family and then have a party over here as a celebration with extended family etc. (after having a look, it’s also so much cheaper, so that’s a massive bonus!)

I decided to ask my closest family first whether they would be up for it. One family member that I am very very close to and really want to be there said “I can’t because of the dog” I said well this will only be for immediate family so couldn’t your partner or someone else look after him? She said “my partner works through the day”

AIBU to be upset by this? I’m trying not to be because I know it’s a lot to ask. And if she would have said “oh I’m not sure, I’d have to see if I can sort out arrangements for the dog” that would’ve been absolutely fine. It’s just the fact that without even thinking about how to make it work, she just said no straight away. I’m giving 2 years notice! I’m not here to slag her off, I feel guilty writing this because I really love her dearly but it’s hurt me how she would gladly miss my wedding rather than try to find someone to look after her dog, or leave him with her partner for a few days.

Please tell me IABU to be upset over this? I haven’t said anything to her though, I’ve just left it.

OP posts:
godmum56 · 19/04/2025 14:16

Livpool · 19/04/2025 14:04

Maybe they can’t afford it and this is their excuse. Destination weddings are usually cheaper for the couple getting married but more expensive for guests

The reason does not matter. Its a simple question and response situation
OP "are you up for this"
Fam "No"
OP "OK"

NoNameMum · 19/04/2025 14:16

I just went away for one night with my husband. We left our dog at home with our 20 year old son who lives with us. My dog didn’t eat the whole time I was away. There is no way I could leave her for longer no matter who she was left with as she would make herself ill.
she’s an ex rescue who is especially bonded to me and has issues around food. She would be the same if I left her with my husband. So I would have to be the same and be unable to leave her for more than 1 night.

crockofshite · 19/04/2025 14:17

She might have a standard 'no overseas weddings' rule. Dog or no dog.

If it's important to you to have certain people there, don't make it so bloody hard, expensive, time consuming for them to attend.

Have a local wedding and go to Italy for your honeymoon, invite everyone to your honeymoon instead.

Botanybaby · 19/04/2025 14:21

If they don't want to go all the way to Italy for a wedding where their partner isn't even invited to then that's their choice

It's bizarre how everyone thinks weddings are as exciting to everyone else as they are the couple getting married...news flash they are not

Oblomov25 · 19/04/2025 14:23

Do whatever suits you, you can't please everyone. Have it exactly the way you want. Have it in Italy, then have a celebration/party in the UK.
Plus some people are just unaccommodating whether it's to do with a dog or any other reason.

outerspacepotato · 19/04/2025 14:30

You're the one who is thinking about a destination wedding which is time consuming and costly and asking working people to use up limited vacation time. This is a huge ask and some people are not going to be able to go for various reasons. You're the one asking for their time and money, why be mad if they can't go? Plus, no partners? That's a bit much.

Animals are a big reason. Some can't be boarded, some don't do well without their people around. Our older dog whose person was my husband died 3 days after he did.

You're being unreasonable, especially being mad because someone can't go for anyreason. This is a bridezilla move.

BuildbyNumbere · 19/04/2025 14:34

She probably doesn’t want to spend out going abroad for a wedding and is using the dog as an excuse. If you’re that desperate for her to be at your wedding then change it to the uk

thevassal · 19/04/2025 14:35

but if you are now having a bigger UK wedding, then presumably her partner is invited too?
And even if he wasn't then unless it's on a weekend (or even then, depending on his working hours) he will still be 'working throughout the day.'

So if she's not happy to pay for a dog sitter and the dog can't be left for a day on its own (as the only issue was her partner working through the day, not that he wouldn't be around at night)

then surely she won't be able to come to your wedding wherever it's held? Or ever leave the house for more than a few hours at all?

If she'd said 'X is working that week and I can't afford to pay for the dog to go to a sitter for a few days,' that would make sense. But if her excuse is that the dog literally can't be left alone in the daytime, how does she ever go anywhere? Does she work?

TheAmusedQuail · 19/04/2025 14:38

@Thegirlintheredsunglasses the dog is an excuse. She doesn't want to go to Italy. You asked. You have an answer.

MrsB74 · 19/04/2025 14:45

HoppingPavlova · 19/04/2025 11:45

If you have a destination wedding, you have to accept that many people won’t be able to come for a variety of reasons- dogs, work, childcare, cost .
Why not have the honeymoon in your favourite place in Italy instead?

This!!!!!! A thousand times over.

I’ve already told all of mine that if they have a destination wedding, I’m not going. DH can make his own mind up. I think it’s really entitled to place that level of imposition in people and won’t play ball with my own kids in this regard, sure as heck wouldn’t (and haven’t) with anyone else! It’s what a honeymoon is for, a favourite destination with meaning etc.

Even it is your child? Or a place you’ve always wanted to go to? Weird to make such a blanket decision.
I’d love to go to a wedding in Italy! Dog would go to the dog sitter.

mummybear35 · 19/04/2025 14:46

Are you paying for flights, hotels etc? Could it be a financial reason? Some people don’t have the funds to jet off to overseas weddings if they’re expected to pay their own way. Just a thought and also I get where she’s coming from. I have six cats, four large dogs and chickens..it’s a military operation to get someone into look after them as well as costly and my husband works full time and will not be amused to take leave. So perhaps there are other considerations..

time4anothername · 19/04/2025 14:49

I would be hurt if this person does travel from time to time without their dog but I do know people who have never left their dog and won't go anywhere that is not an easy travel and dog-friendly place. If this is this person's normal to never separate from their dog then I'd accept that this is their life now although I would still feel sad I'm sure that they were not coming.

mondaytosunday · 19/04/2025 14:51

On the face of it yes, it’s like ‘sorry I’ll be busy washing my hair’. Surely she has gone on holiday since having the dog? She’s heard of dog sitters, kennels, even TrustedHousesitters which is free (with annual fee of £150 more or less ).
And two years notice. Plenty of time to save up. I agree she could have come up with a more reasonable excuse. Gosh I’ll come in her place!

BananaCandle · 19/04/2025 14:52

You invited your sister to help you celebrate your wedding twice

one abroad where she has to travel alone, stump up for flights, hotel, outfit and stump up for dog boarding plus another wedding in uk where she has to stump up for another outfit.

if I was your sister it’d be a no from me.

MissHollysDolly · 19/04/2025 14:53

So, you’re asking people to take annual leave/ pay for a holiday and NOT bring their partners? And out of the few you’ve suggested it to, one won’t leave their dog, one is scared of flying and one can’t afford it? How on earth are these things you don’t know about your own family?

FlakyCritic · 19/04/2025 14:55

Destination weddings are terribly selfish and obnoxious. I would never go to one out of strong principle, even if it were my best friend. Why can't you just get married here and have your honeymoon in Italy, like people used to do?

FlakyCritic · 19/04/2025 14:59

Ok I've read all your posts now OP and I really don't understand why you can't just have your honeymoon in Italy like normal people did only a couple of decades ago before this 'destination' wedding bs social contagion took hold. Just have the wedding here, honeymoon in Italy. Simple, straightforward, normal. Why all this fuss?

Casperroonie · 19/04/2025 15:00

Thegirlintheredsunglasses · 19/04/2025 08:06

My fiancé and I are planning to get married in 2027. Our dream wedding would be in our favourite place in Italy. We pretty much ruled it out at first because we knew it is a lot to ask of people and a lot of people probably won’t be able to come. I was getting a bit stressed out with the guest list, not wanting to cause upset whilst also sticking to a reasonable budget. I suddenly thought, why not still do it abroad but have a smaller, intimate wedding with immediate family and then have a party over here as a celebration with extended family etc. (after having a look, it’s also so much cheaper, so that’s a massive bonus!)

I decided to ask my closest family first whether they would be up for it. One family member that I am very very close to and really want to be there said “I can’t because of the dog” I said well this will only be for immediate family so couldn’t your partner or someone else look after him? She said “my partner works through the day”

AIBU to be upset by this? I’m trying not to be because I know it’s a lot to ask. And if she would have said “oh I’m not sure, I’d have to see if I can sort out arrangements for the dog” that would’ve been absolutely fine. It’s just the fact that without even thinking about how to make it work, she just said no straight away. I’m giving 2 years notice! I’m not here to slag her off, I feel guilty writing this because I really love her dearly but it’s hurt me how she would gladly miss my wedding rather than try to find someone to look after her dog, or leave him with her partner for a few days.

Please tell me IABU to be upset over this? I haven’t said anything to her though, I’ve just left it.

I would have to think twice (at least) if I was invited to a destination wedding. Don't forget you are essentially telling people where and when they are having their holiday that year, and that's a big ask. When you have pets and children it becomes pretty tricky to sort, especially if all the family are going as they would normally be the ones to help out when you're away!!!

Whilst it sounds nice, it's much more doable for the people invited if you have a UK based wedding and your honey moon anywhere you like.

Bellyblueboy · 19/04/2025 15:02

FlakyCritic · 19/04/2025 14:55

Destination weddings are terribly selfish and obnoxious. I would never go to one out of strong principle, even if it were my best friend. Why can't you just get married here and have your honeymoon in Italy, like people used to do?

I have been invited to many, have gone to three.

there is nothing obnoxious or selfish about inviting someone to an event. They don’t have to attend.

i was not insulted or angry to be invited to my friend’s wedding in France. it required three flights and very expensive accommodation, I was moving house that year and couldn’t afford it. So I declined the invitation and sent a nice gift. The bride and I are still close. No one was upset:

why are you so emotional about someone else’s event?

faerietales · 19/04/2025 15:02

mondaytosunday · 19/04/2025 14:51

On the face of it yes, it’s like ‘sorry I’ll be busy washing my hair’. Surely she has gone on holiday since having the dog? She’s heard of dog sitters, kennels, even TrustedHousesitters which is free (with annual fee of £150 more or less ).
And two years notice. Plenty of time to save up. I agree she could have come up with a more reasonable excuse. Gosh I’ll come in her place!

Maybe she doesn't care about having a "reasonable excuse" for not attending an overseas wedding alone (because OP can't be bothered to invite her partner).

FlakyCritic · 19/04/2025 15:08

Bellyblueboy · 19/04/2025 15:02

I have been invited to many, have gone to three.

there is nothing obnoxious or selfish about inviting someone to an event. They don’t have to attend.

i was not insulted or angry to be invited to my friend’s wedding in France. it required three flights and very expensive accommodation, I was moving house that year and couldn’t afford it. So I declined the invitation and sent a nice gift. The bride and I are still close. No one was upset:

why are you so emotional about someone else’s event?

Show quote history

It's selfish and obnoxious because you're forcing people (and yes they will feel guilted to go especially if they're family) to pay thousands and take leave for something that should easily be done in your home town. And the OP's attitude that she is 'hurt' over the family member's response shows she expects family to go, and is going to be the type to add pressure. Maybe the dog owner relative also doesn't believe in destination weddings but used the dog as an excuse. Who knows? But the dramatic 'oh I am so hurt!' act of the OP shows exactly where she would go with this; family members would be pressured to go. It's different if the couple don't have a problem if most don't attend. OP clearly would have a problem and apply pressure.

CannotWaitForSummervibes · 19/04/2025 15:09

You’re ridiculous to be upset someone can’t come to your destination wedding. If you’re marrying abroad you can’t assume certain people can come, even if you ask them 2 years ahead. You’re asking them to spend a lot of money (flights, accomodation, food, car hire) to take time off work, to arrange baby sitting, dog kennels, etc etc - extra costs, sometimes mentally very straining to all involved). Not everyone can do that, not everyone wants to do that.
if you have a destination wedding you need to be ok with it just being the 2 of you.
it’s cheaper for you, but waaaaaaay more expensive and cumbersome for your guests.

Namechangean · 19/04/2025 15:10

Some people are funny about leaving their dogs, I think it’s a legitimate reason to say no because it’s honest and at least she was upfront about it

Bellyblueboy · 19/04/2025 15:24

FlakyCritic · 19/04/2025 15:08

It's selfish and obnoxious because you're forcing people (and yes they will feel guilted to go especially if they're family) to pay thousands and take leave for something that should easily be done in your home town. And the OP's attitude that she is 'hurt' over the family member's response shows she expects family to go, and is going to be the type to add pressure. Maybe the dog owner relative also doesn't believe in destination weddings but used the dog as an excuse. Who knows? But the dramatic 'oh I am so hurt!' act of the OP shows exactly where she would go with this; family members would be pressured to go. It's different if the couple don't have a problem if most don't attend. OP clearly would have a problem and apply pressure.

Show quote history

life is too short for that extreme level of emotion and anger😂.

an invitation isn’t a summons. I would imagine parents and siblings will be close enough to the couple to have an honest discussion about whether they can go or not. It’s one day.

i would never feel guilted into attending a wedding - I don’t enjoy them and think people (as your post demonstrates) have very big emotions around one day.

you are throwing a lot of projected emotions around.

in this case OP doesn’t accept her sister’s reason for not traveling to Italy. That is OP’s issue, and one she needs to get over.

it wasn’t obnoxious of OP to invite her family to Italy and pay for their accommodation. It is bad manners of her not to graciously accept a decline to that invitation.

notacooldad · 19/04/2025 15:26

Does the person ever travel without the dog? If yes, then YANBU. If no, then YABU.
Even if the person does travel without the dog it doesn't really matter. There could be other reasons why member doesn't want to disclose and used the dog as an excuse.
Personally, I wouldn't want to use my annual leave on someone else's wedding abroad.