To be upset by this reason for not coming to my wedding?

[Thegirlintheredsunglasses]

My fiancé and I are planning to get married in 2027. Our dream wedding would be in our favourite place in Italy. We pretty much ruled it out at first because we knew it is a lot to ask of people and a lot of people probably won’t be able to come. I was getting a bit stressed out with the guest list, not wanting to cause upset whilst also sticking to a reasonable budget. I suddenly thought, why not still do it abroad but have a smaller, intimate wedding with immediate family and then have a party over here as a celebration with extended family etc. (after having a look, it’s also so much cheaper, so that’s a massive bonus!)

I decided to ask my closest family first whether they would be up for it. One family member that I am very very close to and really want to be there said “I can’t because of the dog” I said well this will only be for immediate family so couldn’t your partner or someone else look after him? She said “my partner works through the day”

AIBU to be upset by this? I’m trying not to be because I know it’s a lot to ask. And if she would have said “oh I’m not sure, I’d have to see if I can sort out arrangements for the dog” that would’ve been absolutely fine. It’s just the fact that without even thinking about how to make it work, she just said no straight away. I’m giving 2 years notice! I’m not here to slag her off, I feel guilty writing this because I really love her dearly but it’s hurt me how she would gladly miss my wedding rather than try to find someone to look after her dog, or leave him with her partner for a few days.

Please tell me IABU to be upset over this? I haven’t said anything to her though, I’ve just left it.

If you choose to get married in Italy please don't expect that everybody can afford it or even want to travel tgat distance. They might even blame the dog!

It really is, I don’t know many who would be able to afford to go

@Thegirlintheredsunglasses I agree that on the face of it, saying no by your sister, because of the dog, is not a good reason for not coming, and I can understand why you are hurt by the given reason.

But my view is that the dog is not really the reason why she doesn't want to come. Or only a small part of the reason why not? Partners aren't invited, so not everyone will feel it appropriate to spend a lot of money on flights from family funds. That's assuming they even have the money.....

Try to look at this in a different way, with a different mindset, if you can. You asked whether close family would still come to a wedding in Italy. She said no. For whatever reason, she doesn't want to. Don't take it as she doesn't care about you.

Have your wedding in the UK ( as you have decided you will) and have a lovely honeymoon in Italy.

@Thegirlintheredsunglasses

She doesn't want to go. Maybe she can't afford it. Maybe she CBA to go. Maybe she doesn't want to go without her partner/DH.

Or all of the above.

You’re being unreasonable expecting anyone to fork out for a wedding in another country.

TBH if a family member invited all immediate family to a wedding over seas my DC would probably decline due to me being the dog sitter when needed and them not wanting to put the dog in kennels.

Dogs are a bit more than just dogs to some owners and your DSis may only be able to go on the family holiday due to you offering to look after her dog.

What would have happened if you'd have also gone, would she be happy to get a sitter/kennels for her dog?

Why not have the honeymoon in your favourite place in Italy instead?

This is by far the best solution OP.

You are simply sounding people out at the moment as the wedding is two years away. You kindly asked the dog person and she kindly gave you her answer. Maybe she simply doesn’t wish to travel or would prefer to travel to her own favourite place, -not yours if she is going to spend her hard earned money on travel. Or maybe the dog is a genuine excuse. Either way, there’s no point getting upset about it. You won’t be able to please everybody if you want a destination wedding.

So it's only fine if you agree with their reason

DD and her partner are going to a wedding in Europe this summer, They have accepted, but are not looking forward to the travel and the cost of getting there. as it’s in the middle of nowhere. They have grumbled about this a number of times. It’s really unfair on guests. They’ve also travelled very long distance in the UK for a wedding a few years ago.

As a result, they aren’t being selfish about location and they’re making sure their own wedding will be local and accessible.

If she is close friend/family, why are you not inviting her partner? If you want an exotic wedding you have to recognise other people have other prioritises and your wedding is unlikely to be top of their list.

The whole "you have 2 years notice" thing doesn't sit well with me, because I really disagree with expecting anyone else you aren't married to or the parent of to make long term plans based on you.

I don't save for weddings or hen dos. I can either afford them or not, and if the person desperately wants me there, they won't expect me to save up for them.

It’s a bit weird not to let family bring partners to a small intimate wedding abroad. And then expect them to fork out air fare. I know it’s not happening anymore but I do think all round it was a bit of an unreasonable ask.

But you've told us that it's not your wedding - you're doing that in the UK.
And you won't be able to look after the dog - you'll be in Italy.
You want her to commit to a holiday in Italy for a party you're having that you're not inviting her partner to.

She could be pregnant now, or TTC, or planning to.

I think is fair to be upset, it's your sister, not just someone you know.
The dog could be the real reason (reactive, unable to cope in kennels, difficult to handle)

• could be finances (even if she has a booked holiday)
• could be that she resents you not going on holiday with them (cause you said it was due to finances but were planning a wedding abroad, which is not exactly a Need is a Want)
• could be cause partners are not invited (if it's a long term partner) i wouldn't be happy neither, but i would just say it
• there are previous 'issues' between you two and your relationship is not straightforward?

Personally I think weddings abroad are the height of selfishness. The cost, inconvenience and having to use up annual leave from work for something which, aside from the couple getting married, nobody really cares about. I think the OP will find that quite a few people will decide it’s not something they want to attend.

Perhaps she can’t afford it
it’s the risk you take when having a wedding abroad

I have a pet hare rabbit that literally won’t eat for anyone else so I would genuinely not hesitate to tell anyone in my family I couldn’t go because of the rabbit. Mind you all our family and friends know he’s literally the favourite child so wouldn’t be surprised. If I am ill or we are out for the day he won’t eat for other family members (occasionally will accept a treat from dd1 but nothing else) so it would be out of the question. He also doesn’t like outside so wouldn’t come and I’d never stress him so bringing him wouldn’t work either.

I think there’s quite a difference between a save the date and asking people to RSVP a year ahead of the date. The couple in your story are Ofc being ridiculous to be miffed that you couldn’t attend 🤣For any event there could be a range of reasons why people can’t attend which is just they way the cookie crumbles.

most wedding venues are booked up at least 6 months in advance and weddings are so expensive people often have to save for a considerable period to pay for them. I don’t think it’s that unusual once the date is booked in to let people especially close family/ friends know the date so if they want to attend they don’t for example book a holiday/ festival on that date. Again it’s not a summons and if people don’t want to save the date that’s also completely fine. That’s what I meant by don’t make plans - not don’t get pregnant or don’t get sick lol

Your further posts just make this even weirder TBH. You say the Italy celebration isnt actually the proper wedding so what's the big deal then?

If you are getting married in the UK and your sister will be attending there then why are you so upset she isnt going to Italy? She isnt going to to be missing your wedding at all, she just doesnt want a trip abroad for a celebration.

You keep saying you respect people's wishes not to want to travel abroad but then in the next breath you are saying you are annoyed about it 💁

Sure, but in OP’s case she WAS actually asking - albeit verbally - if she could/would attend or not two years in advance. That’s more akin to an RSVP than a simple ‘Save the Date’/FYI in my book. RSVPs seem to be requested further and further in advance recently. I’m fairly recently married myself and 8 months was sufficient for us, personally. My point remains that a lot can change in 1-2 years. Her sister could be TTC, her or her partner could be having health difficulties that others aren’t aware of, financial difficulties/commitments… there are all sorts of scenarios that would make giving an answer so far in advance potentially problematic, and so maybe doggo got the blame. Who knows. 🤷‍♀️

So I was hurt that she can go on holiday and leave her dog but not to my wedding and leave her dog

But she can go on holiday because you're looking after her dog. Who's going to do the dog care while she's at the wedding abroad with all her family?

Dogs are a big tie - even more so than children in many respects.

People will find any excuse they can to not make an effort really. I'm also planning a wedding and some of the excuses from people I expected better from have been fairly disappointing. It's not even a destination wedding. Several slightly further away people (less than 2 hours) clearly just can't be arsed travelling outside their immediate local area and even my future husbands own mum has said they'll have to leave about 8pm "to get back for the dog". Make other arrangements for your dog and make your sons wedding a priority ffs 🙄

Maybe they can’t afford it and this is their excuse. Destination weddings are usually cheaper for the couple getting married but more expensive for guests

I don’t mean this to sound unkind, but the reality is that your wedding is the most important thing is the world to you, but however much this family member loves you the wedding is not central to their world and you shouldn’t expect it to be.

@Thegirlintheredsunglasses yes you are entitled to be upset that your sister is prioritising the dog over you.
how olds the dog? The dog might not even be here in two years time.
the world seems to have gone a bit cuckoo over dogs in the last 5/10 years.
it’s a dog. An animal to love and share mutual respect with, not a member of the family that takes all priorities!
Dog not baby.
Pet not partner.

I’d be upset too.

if we went to a restaurant and someone’s boyfriends arse was out on the table people would have something to say about it …. but it’s ok if it a dog wagging its tail and bum around food and drink.
Just not nice! People need to treat animals as animals, not humanise them.

dogs can go on doggy holidays, to kennels.