To be upset by this reason for not coming to my wedding?

[Thegirlintheredsunglasses]

My fiancé and I are planning to get married in 2027. Our dream wedding would be in our favourite place in Italy. We pretty much ruled it out at first because we knew it is a lot to ask of people and a lot of people probably won’t be able to come. I was getting a bit stressed out with the guest list, not wanting to cause upset whilst also sticking to a reasonable budget. I suddenly thought, why not still do it abroad but have a smaller, intimate wedding with immediate family and then have a party over here as a celebration with extended family etc. (after having a look, it’s also so much cheaper, so that’s a massive bonus!)

I decided to ask my closest family first whether they would be up for it. One family member that I am very very close to and really want to be there said “I can’t because of the dog” I said well this will only be for immediate family so couldn’t your partner or someone else look after him? She said “my partner works through the day”

AIBU to be upset by this? I’m trying not to be because I know it’s a lot to ask. And if she would have said “oh I’m not sure, I’d have to see if I can sort out arrangements for the dog” that would’ve been absolutely fine. It’s just the fact that without even thinking about how to make it work, she just said no straight away. I’m giving 2 years notice! I’m not here to slag her off, I feel guilty writing this because I really love her dearly but it’s hurt me how she would gladly miss my wedding rather than try to find someone to look after her dog, or leave him with her partner for a few days.

Please tell me IABU to be upset over this? I haven’t said anything to her though, I’ve just left it.

I would not travel that far for a wedding unless it was a very close family member .Holding your wedding abroad will mean many people are not going to be there .People will need to travel, pay a good amount out ,arrange holiday leave so you need to expect unless you are paying for them that you will get a number of refusals .Brides to be seem to expect guests to pay a lot when they arrange hen parties abroad or the wedding.

Maybe you should ask your sister if the reason for not wanting to go is really her dog. Or maybe you shouldn't... she has told you clearly that she doesn't want to travel to Italy for your wedding, and you could just accept that and be glad she was so clear.

It's a shame that you are feeling so hurt about this rather than saying 'Oh well, they don't want to go to Italy; now that's sorted' rather than brooding over it - it seems that that was your intention when you asked them.
This is resonating for me because my stepson and fiancee told us they were planning to get married in a location that would be very hard for me to get to because of health problems, and I said that I would go although I would find it difficult, and it seemed to be very important to them that I should put myself out in that way, as though I had to prove something. Maybe your sister prefers to only go away occasionally and only if she can leave her dog with a family member. Can't that be a good enough reason? It doesn't mean she doesn't love you.

Exactly this!

I happen to consider my sons- and daughters-in law my immediate family...

I don't think you can be too bothered if you've decided to have a wedding that requires a lot of effort for people to attend. It's just something that comes with it. Saying that I cannot bear people who won't leave their dogs even just once for a couple of days. It's so weird.

Will you be covering her costs? If not, it’s easier to use the excuse of the dog rather than say I can’t afford that.

Well, she could leave her dog if she wanted to. She clearly doesn’t in this situation. You are entitled to feel fed up/hurt but that’s your feelings to manage. She’s entitled to say no with or without a reason.

Let it go, and make your plans , if you’re effectively having two weddings you’ll be busy enough!

Her reason is terrible, it’s the same reason ex MIL gave for not being able to attend our wedding after she encouraged us to do it and it was booked. In her case it was about control, only you’ll know if your sister is like that.

You have no idea if this is the real reason. It’s a wedding invitation, not a court summons. I don’t understand why you can’t just have your honeymoon in Italy. Destination weddings are ridiculous!

Yes, if siblings are in an exclusive relationship then I couldn’t imagine not inviting the partner.

RE plans - I had someone request RSVP over a year in advance of their wedding. We originally accepted and I got pregnant during that time. At the time of the wedding I was heavily pregnant and had health issues. The couple were, by all accounts, a bit miffed that I couldn’t attend. My point being, it’s not as simple as “don’t make plans.” People can’t be expected to put their own lives on hold.

This.

Its sheer self-indulgence (unless you are actually marrying someone from another country) and the sooner people get over this the better.

I don't like leaving my pets, but for our own holidays which we have planned and look forward to, it's worth it. It wouldn't be for someone else's wedding, however close I was to them.

I really don’t understand the point of this post, then. If you’re getting married in the UK now, then surely it doesn’t matter? YABU to dwell on a past conversation with your sister that now has now bearing on anything. As others have mentioned, the dog may have been an excuse for SO many other reasons.

With overseas weddings that cost an arm and a leg…the bride (usually) thinks guests will gladly spend a fair few hundred quid & days from their annual leave allocation just to attend ‘your happy day’.
In my opinion they see this money as something just sitting in people’s bank accounts waiting to be spent! For many it’s the winter gas bill, school uniforms & trips, boiler repairs, car breakdowns. It not there for your enjoyment.
i firmly believe anyone planning a wedding abroad should offer to pay for their invited guests flights, accommodation, food & new frocks. Then you’ll have the most amazing photographs.
And PLEASE don’t ask for money as gifts..(am going to post this last bit on the ‘things I think are skanky’ thread!

I think it sounds like she’s jealous that you’re engaged to be married and wedding planning while her “partner” hasn’t asked her yet?

As romantic as a destination wedding may seem to the couple getting married (I adore Italy - had my 3 week long honeymoon there) - I think it is deeply selfish. People will feel they have to spend an extortionate amount of money they may not have and annual leave for something that is all about someone else. Money and AL they would prefer to spend with their partners/children. They are judged if they decline, put under huge financial (and often marital) stress if they come. And what is the point if neither of you are Italian? It’s a performative fantasy which everyone else has to fund (unless you are paying accommodation and telling everyone NOT to buy you gifts because they have flights to pay for).

Have a brilliant wedding in a castle or something in the Uk so everyone can come and then blow the money you’ve saved on a luxury Italian honeymoon.

Get a grip, someone not wanting to travel and leave their pet doesn't equal jealousy.

your opening post is garbled, your explanations nearly as garbled.

But you're entire thinking is weird. You asked, they said no. It doesn't matter the reason, nobody has to explain to you why they don't want to come, or can't come to your wedding. Your wedding is never going to be as important to anyone other than you and your partner.

Just arrange the wedding you want, within the budget you have. Send the invitations, and have a lovely day. That is all that's required.

If there is something about your wedding that makes it more difficult for people to attend, you need to accept that some people may not make it.

You can have the wedding you wish, but people are not obligated to go.

Blimey! Have you ever thought of turning that vivid imagination towards something creative - writing a novel or a TV drama, perhaps?

taxi to airport ,fight, accommodation , food ,drink ,present ,outfit ,gift and you can easily spend well over £100 on drinks on the day

Personally, if getting married in Italy is something you've always wanted to do, I think you should still elope.

As for the dog, we all place different levels of importance on different things. Maybe the dog is higher up on your sister's list than money is, whereas it wouldn't be to you. Both are fine; it's just about viewing things differently.

I can also see how if it was just an informal WhatsApp chat like asking about a family holiday, as you said, people might have viewed it as a very general, 'we're considering many options including this, what are your initial thoughts' type of question. Whereas if they were aware you'd always wanted to get married in Italy, you'd had a serious conversation about why and how important it was, their answers may have been a bit different, or they would have at least phrased them with more care.

Flights, hotels, gifts, clothes, pre prep, hen parties (I assume you'll be one for home hen and abroad hen?) The home party and now dog boarding ?

Yeah I wouldn't be going either

Not to mention the fact I'd be terrified leaving my dog with someone I didn't know

Just don’t get married abroad FFS, or if you do expect it to be very very small.

I get that it’s your favourite place but it is just a massive expensive PITA. Get married in the UK and go on honeymoon there.

And if you do get married abroad I think you should be paying for the guests you really want there TBH.