To be upset by this reason for not coming to my wedding?

[Thegirlintheredsunglasses]

My fiancé and I are planning to get married in 2027. Our dream wedding would be in our favourite place in Italy. We pretty much ruled it out at first because we knew it is a lot to ask of people and a lot of people probably won’t be able to come. I was getting a bit stressed out with the guest list, not wanting to cause upset whilst also sticking to a reasonable budget. I suddenly thought, why not still do it abroad but have a smaller, intimate wedding with immediate family and then have a party over here as a celebration with extended family etc. (after having a look, it’s also so much cheaper, so that’s a massive bonus!)

I decided to ask my closest family first whether they would be up for it. One family member that I am very very close to and really want to be there said “I can’t because of the dog” I said well this will only be for immediate family so couldn’t your partner or someone else look after him? She said “my partner works through the day”

AIBU to be upset by this? I’m trying not to be because I know it’s a lot to ask. And if she would have said “oh I’m not sure, I’d have to see if I can sort out arrangements for the dog” that would’ve been absolutely fine. It’s just the fact that without even thinking about how to make it work, she just said no straight away. I’m giving 2 years notice! I’m not here to slag her off, I feel guilty writing this because I really love her dearly but it’s hurt me how she would gladly miss my wedding rather than try to find someone to look after her dog, or leave him with her partner for a few days.

Please tell me IABU to be upset over this? I haven’t said anything to her though, I’ve just left it.

The dogs an excuse the reality is she doesn’t want to spend 2k plus on your wedding and feels uncomfortable telling you that

Fair enough 🙂 just thought I'd mention it as some people simply aren't aware of the options. Some extended family took their dog to France last year after I told them about the Eurotunnel option - they were stressing about putting her in a kennel on a ferry and hadn't known about the train.

Is the wedding in UK and the party in Italy? If so, you’re asking her to commit a part of her annual leave and save up 2 years in advance for something that isn’t actually a legal wedding. I can understand her hesitation as I wouldn’t agree to that. Accept that the Italy wedding won’t work for most people (or save up to cover most of their costs at least).

OP has said it is someone very dear to her & she has 2 years to save !

How would it be 2 k plus , she only has to go for 2 days !

I am so lost at all of these responses. I don’t understand. We are not getting married abroad.. we are still getting married in the UK. Therefore I am not expecting anyone to do anything… you are making out that I have booked the wedding and then told people “we are getting married here, here’s your invite” and then getting upset that people don’t want to come.
But that’s a made up situation.

Whats actually happened is that we got engaged. Discussed eloping just the two of us in Italy but decided we would prefer to share the day with the people we love and know that people probably won’t be able to come because of all of the reasons people are listing. I know all of this. I have made it clear in my OP that we originally didn’t even consider it because of this! But we then thought instead of dismiss it completely, why not just ask them first? There is nothing wrong with asking your family if they’d be up for coming to Italy wjth you. Absolutely nothing wrong with that. If they say no, fine. I have not sent out formal invitations, I just messaged the family group chat and said “hey, would anyone be up for coming to Italy if we considered getting married there?” It’s no different to asking them if they fancy a family holiday. It’s my mum, grandma, and sister. And then DPs mum, dad and grandma. DPs grandma said she doesn’t like flying, my mum said she probably won’t be able to due to money, but my sister said no because of her dog. So therefore we have dismissed the idea. That’s all that’s happened…. I don’t know why people on here like to argue and get themselves worked up about things that are untrue and they’ve made up themsleves.

I am just asking if AIBU to feel hurt that my sisters reason was her dog! If that is unreasonable of me, that’s absolutely fine and I accept that. But the way that people are going on saying I’m expecting people to do X Y and Z is just simply not true. It’s not an expectation, it was a question.

Do you thinking is reasonable to ask someone to save for two years, going without certain things they want, to afford to go away to an event they have no say in, without their partner?

flights to Italy? Accommodation is paid - I assume a lot of the meals are paid. So it’s flights plus an outfit.

i suppose it depends where OP lives and where in Italy the wedding is. But it seems unlikely flights would cost anywhere near this. Maybe a few hundred?

"If they say no, fine"

Your whole post is about how not-fine this is to you.

I just think that , clearly they’re very close & OP really wants her there with her ..
I suppose I’m just thinking of my best friend & me & I know she would really want me there & I couldn’t imagine not being there , and given I’d have 2 years to save , I’d just be excited to go ..
That’s me though, from my perspective & my life 🤷🏻‍♀️
Aren’t we all just giving our opinion, don’t mean to come across as selfish & not looking at it from other’s..

If they say no, fine.

But you're upset - as your title says - so why do you keep saying it's fine. Clearly it's not fine. It should be - everyone agrees with the thing you keep insisting on, but the reality of your OP is that you're saying actually in this instance it's not fine because you don't agree with her reason for saying no, even though it's valid.

I know haha but I would’ve thought that their reasons would’ve been cost which is fine or not being able to take time off work etc. my sister was the first one to reply, 10 seconds after I sent the message saying she can’t because of the dog. Which meant she hadn’t even considered it or thought if there are any arrangements she can make. My mum and my sister are going on holiday in June, they asked me to go but I said I can’t because I can’t afford it. So I’m looking after my sisters dog. So I was hurt that she can go on holiday and leave her dog but not to my wedding and leave her dog

It's 2 years away, OP, so it's far too soon for anyone to be committing. Who knows what life will be like in 2027 - this person may not still have a dog. Or a partner.

But, ultimately, people are free to make their own decisions whether to accept any invitation. If you spend 2+ years going on about your wedding, everyone will be thoroughly fed up.

If you have a destination wedding, you have to accept that many people won’t be able to come for a variety of reasons- dogs, work, childcare, cost .
Why not have the honeymoon in your favourite place in Italy instead?

This!!!!!! A thousand times over.

I’ve already told all of mine that if they have a destination wedding, I’m not going. DH can make his own mind up. I think it’s really entitled to place that level of imposition in people and won’t play ball with my own kids in this regard, sure as heck wouldn’t (and haven’t) with anyone else! It’s what a honeymoon is for, a favourite destination with meaning etc.

See - so you're upset and you're hurt and you're thinking over past things and begrudging her. Clearly you underestimated your ability to be fine with refusals. Next time, let it be known that for you the only acceptable reasons to decline are cost and fear of flying, and that people should wait a while and pretend to be up for it then come up with the said acceptable reason, and then that will be 'fine'.

It’s a huge ask to expect people to go abroad for a wedding. Yabu.

I think you are being VVU to judge people on the reason they are saying no. Basically you are saying that you will judge someone on whether their reason meets with your approval or not.

Hey OP 🙂
I often have questions I’d like to ask & get some advice on , & I think of posting on here , then I think , no don’t , cause some people will just start giving out & giving out when there is absolutely no need ! !

Maybe you should have done a tick list of pre approved answers for each person to tick. Then they’d have known what was an acceptable reason

this definitely

I spent 3 years TTC and turned down two destination weddings during that time of people who expected due to our closeness that I’d be a sure fire attendee.

My fertility struggles were kept private. I had no idea whether I was going to be undergoing a round of treatment, pregnant or with a new born when the weddings were planned.

I made excuses at the time that didn’t go down well. But that was their issue, not mine. I had bigger things to worry about.

One bride has since come round, now understanding my “journey” and reasons for not coming.

The other showed her true colours and we are civil, which is a shame. My unwillingness to attend was taken as a slight, as you are doing, and apparently impacted her celebrations. In the end, she’s lost out not me. I feel I’ve had a lucky escape.

She's leaving her dog with you who she trusts. You who will not be available for your wedding because it's your wedding.

If you, your parents, your immediate family were all in Italy, who is there to look after the dog? We couldn't kennel or even doggy hotel my last dog, she got too sick from stress. If we absolutely had to leave her for something there were two people I'd trust to look after her properly and know she'd not stress so much being away from me that she'd wind up sick. If they weren't available, I didn't go.

It's great if you want a wedding abroad, however you can't expect everyone to want to travel to it. It's quite self-important to think that someone should book a holiday to watch you get married. Marriage shouldn't be about this! And you should have more respect for those close to you than to demand they come (alone! you've also excluded their partner!) that far for your wedding.

What if they have a small budget for holidays? You're saying they have to use that budget on you, so their partner doesn't get a holiday? Weird af.

I can see your point of view op, it was her quick “no” as much as the excuse of the dog. I think she’s probably factored lots of things in and decided she didn’t want to go, which is fine but her reply could have been more gentle. I have family who are quite blunt and upfront, it’s just a communication style so try not to be hurt by it. Portmerion host weddings.

But she’s not said no to going to your wedding? she’s just told you she hypothetically wouldn’t come if it was abroad. It sounds like you asked “if we get married abroad would you come” and she’s said no because of the dog. Why are you not as annoyed at the people who said no because of the cost/time off/other reasons?