To be upset by this reason for not coming to my wedding?

[Thegirlintheredsunglasses]

My fiancé and I are planning to get married in 2027. Our dream wedding would be in our favourite place in Italy. We pretty much ruled it out at first because we knew it is a lot to ask of people and a lot of people probably won’t be able to come. I was getting a bit stressed out with the guest list, not wanting to cause upset whilst also sticking to a reasonable budget. I suddenly thought, why not still do it abroad but have a smaller, intimate wedding with immediate family and then have a party over here as a celebration with extended family etc. (after having a look, it’s also so much cheaper, so that’s a massive bonus!)

I decided to ask my closest family first whether they would be up for it. One family member that I am very very close to and really want to be there said “I can’t because of the dog” I said well this will only be for immediate family so couldn’t your partner or someone else look after him? She said “my partner works through the day”

AIBU to be upset by this? I’m trying not to be because I know it’s a lot to ask. And if she would have said “oh I’m not sure, I’d have to see if I can sort out arrangements for the dog” that would’ve been absolutely fine. It’s just the fact that without even thinking about how to make it work, she just said no straight away. I’m giving 2 years notice! I’m not here to slag her off, I feel guilty writing this because I really love her dearly but it’s hurt me how she would gladly miss my wedding rather than try to find someone to look after her dog, or leave him with her partner for a few days.

Please tell me IABU to be upset over this? I haven’t said anything to her though, I’ve just left it.

The dog may be an excuse.

But asking people to travel to Italy in two years time for a wedding is basically bonkers. What family connections do you have with Italy? If YOU love it why not go there for your honeymoon instead of dragging everyone else there. And then having a fake wedding party here.

That’s what’s unreasonable.

Unless one of you is from another country, abroad is for the honeymoon.

Be upset OP but don't make an issue of it. A lot of people CBA to go abroad. It's a lot to ask. In two years time the dog might even be in the big dog basket in the sky. Just let it all go. Enjoy your wedding and don't set parameters on other people.

Yes this. Never seen a man tear his hair out in angst about attending a wedding/ event without his significant other.

My other half is invited to a wedding later this year. I’m not invited/ he doesn’t have a plus one. There’s no shade or anything, I just don’t know them very well. I would be utterly bemused if he turned round and said he wasn’t going because of that.

Also, what do they think single people do? Just not attend anything? I’ve been to more weddings single than attached and, this might bemuse some, always had a wonderful time.

Yeah this. Honestly, this is why destination weddings annoy me, not because they shouldn't have them- people should have whatever they want for their wedding. It's because no matter what the B&G say they always get huffy when people cant make them. But that is the price you pay for a destination wedding!!

Its fine to have a destination wedding but the consequences are- people dont want to spend that much, they have to take time off work, arrange dog sitting, childcare etc its just such a huge hassle.

I think you are being unreasonable- you say you understand if people cant make it but then you are taking it super personally when they tell you that. The dog thing might just be an excuse for all the other things I have listed. Even if you are close- she may not feel comfortable telling you she cant afford it exactly because its a huge deal to you.

. So that absolutely no one has a plus one as a blanket rule. It would just be parents, grandparents and siblings that’s it.

So you don’t count peoples partners as family? Yet you expect them to include your fiancé as family as you’re marrying him?

This is just thoughtless.

Plenty of women don't care either, but i don't know why you can't just accept people are different and some don't like it? It doesn't take a whole load of brain power to recognise this.

Also just curious how much would the partners have added to the cost? Or were you paying flights too?

If somebody won't holiday abroad because of their pets they're sure as not going to be attending a wedding.
I think it's a big ask dictating how people use their holiday time and budget for destination weddings, the only one I was ever invited to, I declined because my holiday times are set and immovable.

It's the wedding abroad that the family member is saying they will not go to, not the party.

Some issues people may have:

Money spent on a trip for just one, especially if money is joint and/or limited
Use of annual leave, meaning short for holidays as a couple/family
Like spending time, when not at work, as a couple/family

Girls holiday/sister holiday - not the same situation here, though not everyone has single sex/friends holidays anyway
work conference - not the same situation, costs will be covered by work and won’t affect annual leave

some may also believe that :
Weddings are also about two people coming together and the joining of two families, so to not invite key guest’s partners seems to ignore that aspect of marriage

What about all the other costs to what is essentially paying to be on someome else's holiday

It's cheaper for you, not for your guests. I'm lucky in that I go on 3 or 4 hols a year so probably would go to a wedding abroad without my partner, however if I had more limited annual leave and funds, I would not go as that trip may be my only hol in a couple of years and my dp wouldn't have any. If this was my reasoning I am under no obligation to spell it out but any reasoning should be accepted by you.

We got married in Italy. 40 people there in total. Our parents are both divorced and remarried so most of the guests were parents/siblings and half siblings etc. or we’d have had much fewer guests.

One grandparent didn’t come because of her dog. Not a big deal.

My advice? Fuck it all off and elope in Italy instead. You’re already getting stressed out about all of this for a wedding in 2 years time.

BTW we paid for every single guests accommodation. Our guests only had to pay for flights and even then we paid for the wedding party’s flights. I think if you want the wedding abroad you should be paying as much of the addition cost for your guests for the fact it’s abroad as you can.

But honestly…just elope. Almost everyone wishes their wedding was smaller, not bigger. That they’d spent less money not more etc.

That's ridiculous. What happens if they pass before the dog?
F

@Thegirlintheredsunglasses you're getting a hard time here and a lot of people seem to be piling on to say why they dislike destination weddings (which is fair enough but not what the AIBU is)

I do think the dog is an excuse as you’ve said her partner could have looked after them. And I think that is a bit a silly excuse unless back story of dog being very upset without her but from your updates it sounds like not a lot of your close immediate family have an appetite for a destination wedding. It sounds like you wanted close family there which would have been sparse anyway and therefore not doable so don’t spend or waste your time being upset with your sister. Some people / groups of people are up for destination weddings and others just aren’t.

Weddings and planning that goes into it is hard and you can’t please everyone. If you really really want to go abroad you should just go the two of you and get married with some witnesses in Italy, have a great holiday and then come back and have a party. If as you’ve said it means more that your family are there and they can’t be then do a wedding in the UK.

I can’t get my head around PPs who are saying it’s too far in advance to know what she’d be doing - surely that’s the whole point of a save the date - a place maker so unless you have other plans you don’t make any!

I think it’s ok to be upset that the “dream wedding” you wanted won’t happen now but don’t let it sour your relationship with your sister - enjoy wedding planning and you’ll have the best day wherever you do it. It’s such a special time - everything else is just noise

You’ll be going to a wedding…that’s the point. Now you know not to book a holiday/get tickets for a concert/whatever else for that date.

She doesn't want to go to your destination wedding is all.

The wedding is what you want. No one is obliged to attend if they don't want to. Go with the flow and be happy. It's really only about you and your husband-to-be anyway.

By definition, very close family are people you didn't choose. Even if you love them, they can be hard work on a holiday. DP is someone you chose to be with and enjoy spending time with or you'd have left them. There is no clause that means 'very close family' equals people you wish to spend your leisure time with. So it's not about being 'never ever apart' from your partner. It's the basic assumption you're making that is flawed.

Maybe they're reluctant to spend the money, maybe they don't want to go alone, maybe their healths not so good and they don't want to go abroad. Either way, it's an invitation not a summons, even for family. If you really want everyone to come then make it as easy as possible, wedding fairly local so they don't have to stay overnight and it doesn't cost a fortune to attend

YABU
IMO, if you choose a destination wedding, you can't expect everyone to want or to be able to attend

I think this is a simple thing - she doesn't want to! you may never know the real reason but she isn't keen on a holiday without partner in a country she wouldn't have chosen to go to - her dog would mean she would be worried etc -

just accept it. Put on the wedding you want but don't mind who does / doesn't come. that's the only way.

Taking this thread slightly off-topic but your friend can take the dog abroad (assuming they'd like to) without having to be separated at any point.
If they live down south, easiest option is Eurotunnel (not Eurostar) - if they drive they just take the car on the train with them and the dog in the back. There is a taxi firm in Folkestone which will take people over with a dog (for a fee of coyrse).
Otherwise DFDS have some routes with pet cabins so they can take the dog on board.

For me, the “destination wedding” is just naff. Because usually it’s about an aspirational attempt to live an Instagram sort of life.

A wedding is two families being connected via the bridal couple deciding to commit to each other for life. That’s a big thing and it’s weird that the OP wants to celebrate that in such a limited way.

Her sister’s partner is her sister’s family. And so on. It’s hypocritical to exclude partners.

If @Thegirlintheredsunglasses and her partner can’t afford to have all their family there, they can’t afford the wedding. They’re being mean and cheeseparing about family for what should be a family-centred celebration.

I don’t disagree with you but and whilst its always possible I guess but unlikely a healthy couple in their 30s would both pass before middle aged getting to elderly dog. They didn’t set out for it to be like this, but they just can’t stand the distress the dog gets in if it’s eft with anyone else other than her mother.

Yeah, I think they are happy in the UK with the dog. I’m taking saving for long haul trips once she has passed.