‘D’ H really upset me regarding wedding pics and not looking the like the same person anymore

[oilump]

I’m not sure if I’m being sensitive here but just visiting my parents with my H and kids and my H picked up our wedding album.

I did immediately think, ah why look at it now.

he said to my DD, come and look at when mummy ‘ was ‘ a princess. He then looked up and said ‘ emphasis on ‘ was ‘’.. and did a nasty little laugh. I let it go.

then he was looking at the pics and my dad came by and he said ‘ who is this woman in these pics, I don’t recognise her ? ‘ and laughed. He said it a few times.

I lost him and told him to F off and took the book out of his hands.

he knows how much I struggle with how my body has changed after two kids. He knows how much I’m fighting to look like myself again. He knows how much it hurts every single day and how much I hate myself.

is this really something to laugh about in front of my family ?

I just feel like it’s a massive betrayal.

That’s not what those two posters were talking about. Not about ‘not letting yourself go’ and getting the right skin care/hairdresser/clothes etc…

It’s about YOU.
What do YOU like doing? Do you take time to relax? What makes you feel good about yourself, not what makes you look good in the eyes of other people.
Its about putting boundaries and treating yourself as kindly as you’d treat others.
You deserve to have someone, YOU, who’s talking nicely and kindly about yourself. Esp as your dh is clearly unable to do so.

After reading your posts about how you've recently lost a lot of weight and so on, I felt like your husband might actually be threatened by that and not even sure how to deal with those feelings himself, resulting in the weird "jokey" comments.

If so, I think it's pretty common for a spouse to have trouble with their partner suddenly making a big, positive change. While on the one hand, they're probably very proud and happy for their spouse, it also does change the equilibrium of the relationship, or whatever you'd call it. Maybe at the bottom of it, he fears the changes you're accomplishing might attract someone "better" and that you'll leave him behind.

Wow. If my DH said this, I couldn't stay with him. A BF once did this to me and I dumped and blocked him that day (easier when you're not married to and parenting with them!). Your DH can't have said it for any other reason than to upset you or (stupidly) to try and motivate you to work on your appearance. You've said you're already working on losing weight and put effort into your appearance and he knows it so he must've been trying to upset you.

I'd have a think about if you think he still actually loves and respects you from what he is showing you in his words and actions. Then I'd have a talk to him about it, ask him why he was being mean about something he knows you're sensitive about. Don't accept any disingenuous answers about it being a joke. He knows you're sensitive about it and did multiple digs. A marriage shouldn't be partners finding opportunities to make each other feel bad but finding opportunities to make each other feel good.

Have you changed personality wise? That's more likely the big shift we go through as we have kids and take on family responsibilities because we lose ourselves. We come last.

You say you hate yourself. My challenge is if you hate yourself how can anyone love you?

Please work on you. Build yourself back up to how you were. Love yourself and life becomes so much better.

As for your DH, what he said was cruel and unnecessary. He's telling you that how you look means something to him, maybe more than you being a good mother etc. He might not fancy you anymore - but whatever the cause, his needs are not being met because you look like you do. Some men are shallow. You married a shallow man :(

You need to work on you irrespective. Good luck x

Huh? You've really confused me!
I always say the bride is a princess for the day when we see weddings, or when my kids were little and would look at our wedding pics, I would always say I was princess. Why is this negative?

None of us were the same person 7 years after our wedding day. You gave him 2 fab children and built a home and life for you all. He needs the gift of you being scarce for a while if you can manage it at all... let him lift some of the child rearing duties and see how he feels. You do not need to be with someone who is so nasty, and he is not a positive role model for your children.

Quite. Even men and their daughters.
So sorry op.

@oilump You should’ve replied (in your best Patsy Stone voice): “Emphasis on ‘was’, darling, because of course I’m now a queen” 😉

It was possibly his (unfunny) attempt to wind you up. What men don’t realise is that no self-respecting woman:

• wants to look like a ‘princess’
• cares what men think about her looks - only herself
• believes her looks are the most important thing about her
• is attracted to men who are insensitive, charmless or make jokes to put her down

Keep working on your self-respect, OP. It’s important to be fit and healthy. But find time for friendships and fun. Believe me, when you’re older you don’t look back and think “didn’t my nails/waist/hair/arse/lips look great”. You look back at all the great times you’ve had with people, all the places you’ve been and all the things you’ve achieved.

It can but it doesn’t necessarily. However, as my response showed, I absolutely wasn’t endorsing the spirit of that comment which was unpleasant and unnecessary.

I miss my dad too

Came to say this, although BlueTitShark said it far more eloquently than I could.

You deserve to do the things that bring you joy and be with someone who values you and treats you like a princess every single day, however you look. You don’t need to change to be worthy of love and kindness.

Your husband on the other hand needs to up his game massively to deserve you given his behaviour.

This. He has no respect for you to say what he did and laugh like that. This was not a healthy mutual loving interaction of reminiscing about life changes

As you have explained it, OP, your husband used something he knows you are sensitive about, worried about, and striving to change, as a weapon against you. He knew his words would wound. He tried to get your family to join in hurting you. And will no doubt tell you that you are over reacting.

Can you live with that?

It sounds like he is deliberately being cruel to damage your self esteem precisely because you are taking so many positive steps to improve your health and self -confidence. He doesn’t want you to realise that actually you are a healthy, fit, attractive woman who doesn’t have to put up with a sly, nasty husband.

I agree with the PP who said that ‘cruel’ is not a word that should describe the person who is supposed to love you most.

Ok so losing the weight via whatever method is splendid 👏 yet bloody fucking difficult. A slog if you will.

Surely losing a disrespectful twat of a husband is much easier than this?

Stop letting things that bug you go, confront him when it happens

Well Germaine Grier wasn't wrong when she said women have no idea how much men hate them. Unless you're hot and fuckable, or their cuddly mum/aunt etc who fusses over them, so don't need to be sexy, they really have no time for you.

Really nasty and vicious.
I would take it that he no longer cares about you.
Focus on yourself and look at how soon you can get out of this toxic relationship.
I hope your family can help.

Ex husband used to do this. He was a horrible man and this was the least of it

Yes, I know you talked about on the way they delivered it, but you also agreed with what they said.

& I don't agree with you. I never said it always changes a woman's body, but it often does to pretend otherwise helps no one

I sometimes do think my waist looked quite good 😬🤣!

But I agree op, looking good is not an ideal goal in a well-spent time on this Earth.

So rude & disrespectful of him. I hope he looks identical to the day you met …

No? Big surprise … what is with these shallow, infantile men who can’t appreciate and adore their partners as life grows on and within??

OP you deserve better. Sounds like you are doing your very best to make yourself (crucially YOURSELF) feel better so bravo but make it perfectly clear to he’s the one who needs to keep up.

Is he perhaps feeling insecure because of your routine & lashing out because he’s anxious you’re outshining him??

Sad but true. There might be the exception to the rule but sadly this is the viewpoint which prevails

This ^
All behaviours have a reason.

Thump him, preferably with the album because it's nice and heavy. But also we all change. I don't look like the young girl I was. None of us do. But we look at ourselves and we need to like ourselves.
And I bet he isn't what he was seven years ago - tell him so. Laugh at his thickening waist etc. Toe rag.