I am a child of an absent father who is remarried and I have always been an afterthought, both before and after his remarriage. To be clear, my parents were long divorced before my father met his wife/remarried. My relationship with my dad is beyond repair now (and I am substantially older than the stepdaughter in question.) That said, at the time of my marriage we were still speaking and I would never have dreamed my dad’s wife not attending my wedding - even though my dad did actually say “well, of course i will come without Xxxxx” but OF COURSE she came. Because my issues are with my dad and not her. My father and his wife are very wealthy but he didn’t cover the full cost of our wedding and I didn’t expect him to. He gave a small contribution for which we were grateful and he uncharacteristically politely asked if we could invite a couple of his distant family members. I had only met them once and our wedding was not huge but it was not a huge deal to invite them. So, as a “wronged child” who did and does still feel I am owed, I never once considered trying to make a point on my wedding day. As a „wronged child“ the behaviour in this post feels really poor.
On my mother’s side, family relations were always also somewhat dysfunctional. My grandfather looked out for me because he felt sorry for me because my own dad was absent. My aunt had a thinly veiled contempt for me and my mum that I never understood until I was older when I realised she resented me because her own relationship with my grandfather was fractured. I don’t know why and never will. I do know that I was not the cause of that and - whilst I sympathise - I can see that she took it out on her sister and me (from a very young child) rather than have it out with those responsible for her relationship with them - her parents.
I’m very aware I’m projecting my own situation on to this, but it reads very much that the bride is carrying old wounds that may or may not be valid, but is taking out on a 14 year old something that has nothing to do with that child. Just as my aunt did, your step daughter is doing a bait and switch by making it appear that this is about you and your eldest daughter. I would absolutely not be playing that game at all.
It’s literally nothing to do with you and your DD - this is between her and her dad. Don’t fall into that trap: not your circus, OP. This is their circus.
I would not interfere with the financial commitment to pay for the wedding or my husband’s obligation to his eldest daughter on her wedding day. But it is totally wrong to let a 14 year old carry something that isn’t hers.
At the absolute least, your husband needs to take this opportunity to ask his daughter what she is hurting about. He needs to be father enough to listen to that. Perhaps there is an opportunity to heal something, here. I appreciate that he doesn’t want to lose his daughter, but there IS something going on here and by the bride choosing to act as she has, she is the one that has decided to make a public statement about her feelings by acting in this way. These feelings exist and step daughter has shown her hand. Your husband achieves nothing by pretending everything is fine because it demonstrably is not. I’d very much be expecting husband to ask her if she has something to say then to use her actual words and explain her feelings rather than be punching down on a child.
I feel very sorry for this sad situation, OP. I hope the right people can find the courage to speak, to listen and to heal.
I wouldn’t be going without her and - if you are both unable to go, all your 14 year old needs to grasp is that hurt people hurt people and 9/10 it’s sod all to do with the people on the receiving end. Lots of hugs - do something infinitely more fun than what is likely to be a very dull day of a um likely emotionally immature bride.
Wishing you and your girls all the best.
X