14 year old not invited to stepsister’s wedding

[Ombreofmyself]

Stepdaughter is getting married. My husband is paying for everything but dress and flowers.

Our six year old and nine year old are in the wedding, but that’s another story. They are half sisters to the bride.

My 14 year old, step sister to the bride isn’t invited.

Made husband clarify with her. Stepdaughter confirmed so I am not going.

Husband is upset but seems completely incapable of thinking rationally and insisting on her coming but then says why can’t she go to her Dad’s. He should insist as he is paying.

As a half-sibling whose mother was often treated really poorly by adult half-siblings, and myself excluded once as a young teen by some of my half siblings, I can tell you it was incredibly hurtful; and I never forgot/forgave any of it. How do you justify hurting a child as an adult? It’s mean, and ugly.

You all need to stand as a unit, including DH, irrespective of whether or not he’s paying for the wedding. TBH I’d leave my husband over this, because you’re a family of 5, not 4. Your SD’s pettiness is mean, and divisive and she should know better!

I would not let any of my children attend the wedding, and would die on this hill, and go so far as to leave DH if he let it slide. You DON’T exclude a child, because they aren’t a “blood” relative. The fact that she isn’t even paying, makes it even nastier.

How exactly would you explain this scenario to all 3 kids? Sorry, you can go because SD likes you, but doesn’t like you, nor mummy and we aren’t considered family - that is ultimately what it comes down to, and how it will be perceived.

Your SD has chosen to put her father and his family in a difficult position on purpose. He needs to withdraw both himself, and the money for the wedding. Family is family.

She’s an adult and can’t even respect her father married who he wanted to, but is marrying who she wants to, and expects to be treated like an adult with respect to her decision.

I think it’s really cruel and it feels as if your SD is making a statement by not inviting your daughter. I would not be going.

That would be my hill to die on. Even if my DH wasn't paying. You can't exclude one member of the family just cos you're not related! Unless it was a small wedding, I can imagine most people won't be related!
Stand your ground, don't go. It would disrespect your DD if you did. Unless of course she's absolutely not bothered and unlikely to ever see them again?

Genuine question, why?

When you are an adult your affections revolve around the relationships you make yourself, not the ones your parents make.

Isn't that just growing up? Wouldn't it be unhealthy to be so enmeshed with your parents that their new relationships are important to you?

I am genuinely sorry OP. It is clear that this is distressing to you and your husband and anyone can understand why. However, overall I am on team bride-to-be and her poor father who is going to suffer the most from all of this.
The vipers' nest has really been stirred into a frenzy and there are a lot of malicious and horrible women on this thread tonight. I would not have made the same choice your SD did. But ultimately, if she doesn't see your daughter as her family, it's ok to not want her there. It's always weird to hear women call other women cow, bitch and c*&t over an issue which doesn't affect them at all. I, for one, hope the B2B has a lovely wedding and don't wish a hex on her offspring for the next seven generations.

I am very curious about all the women who think your husband "should not allow this" or words to that effect. What exactly do they want him to do? She is a 29 year old woman and this isn't Iran. He can't "make" her do anything. Do people really expect him to refuse to attend his own daughter's wedding for the sake of his step daughter? Or refuse to now pay what he agreed to? Again, over his step daughter. If he did either of those things he would truly be an atrocious father. A post you made up-thread, about a comment that she made to you, implied that through absence or behaviour he has not been a good father to her in the past. Perhaps that is why he wants to compensate now. I don't know any of the details and I am speculating but if that is the case then it would absolutely be unforgivable if he tried to pull funding or manipulate her guest list now, and she would be right to cut him out of her life if he were to try. Again, it would send a clear message that she was less important to him as his actual (and possibly previously hard-done-by) daughter than his step daughter. I could never be with a man who treated his daughter like that. The time to put stipulations on how the money is spent is at the time it is offered, not after invitations have gone out.

You have said she is always pleasant and polite to your daughter and dotes on her half sisters, your other daughters. She doesn't sound like a bad person to me. She just doesn't view your eldest as family.... Not everyone's view, but also not a crime.
Do something nice with your eldest that day. But don't make your husband pay for it. He has done nothing wrong. It's not his decision and he should not abandon his eldest daughter or her wedding for one decision despite how much it angers the absolutely crazy and vindictive people on this thread.

That’s just really mean. 14 year olds love weddings.

Also, I really wouldn’t expect an invite for your parents and sister/BIL though.

Don't come for me but I feel like she didn't even meet you until she was 18 (an adult) so it's a bit much to expect her to feel obligated to you and your daughter.

OP didn't come along until her husband's daughter was an adult and had no part in raising her. She is the bride to be's father's wife.

This family didn't blend. They're separate. OP's daughter is not the bride to be's family. They aren't related and they aren't close.

I just don't get the outrage.

If it was me, I would be telling sd that the younger 2 will no longer be part of the wedding. Then on the weekend of the wedding take all 3 away for a special weekend. Go to Disney and get the princess treatment or something equally better. Would not stand for your daughter being treated that way.

You would leave him? Over a decision that he didn't make? If he "let it slide"? What exactly do you expect him to do? Shout at her until she relents? Threaten to hurt her? Withdraw the money that he promised her and wreck her wedding? Because it upsets you and your daughter? What kind of father would he be to her if he chose his stepdaughter over his actual daughter over her wedding plans.. Which she is perfectly entitled to dictate the guest list for. I don't have step children but it would always be more important to me to be a good mother than a good stepmother if I ever had to choose (apparently quite a common thing according to MN)

I'd suggest it's worth someone having a conversation with your SD about how devastated your daughter will be, and does she really want to do that to a little girl who has done nothing to deserve it?

More horrible than not inviting a 14 year old to a wedding when the rest of her household is invited?

To leave 1 child out when the whole rest of her family are going - you can’t see the harm that will cause?

The daughter is part of the bride’s father’s household and family.

If SD can’t comprehend that, she’s a very stunted person.

I would not allow the young ones to participate. Take them all away and let your disloyal husband have at it. Be rethinking the relationship with him, too.

Withdraw the money and decline to attend. She’s 29. She’ll cope.

OP's eldest daughter would have been 4 when OP got together with her H. What exactly do you expect a 4 year old to have done in the circumstances to ingratiate herself to her step-sister? If they have no relationship, I rather think the adult step sister should be taking on the bulk of the responsibility for failing to try to form one, especially once subsequent siblings (whom she apparently dotes upon) came along who now tie her forever to her step sister.

All this talk of blood relatives is ridiculous.
I am sure there are friends going.
I think the bride is being awful personally,

She’s 14 ffs. SD’s going out of her way to be nasty, and cause unnecessary drama. Weddings are only one day, they’re not the be all and end all. This decision will have further consequences beyond the wedding, and all for what? “It’s my wedding day…” (tantrum). She’s getting all bent out of shape to what end? Is she really going to be at her wedding seething about her stepsister that she’s known for x years attending? She doesn’t need to feel like she’s family, she’s part of her father’s household and family unit. If stepsister were an adult, fair enough don’t invite her.

It’s not worth causing hurt and drama over 1 seat at a wedding. She doesn’t need to exclude a teen in order for her father to make reparations. People in the thread aren’t vipers, quite the opposite. They’re looking out for a teenager, a child.

But why? I am not trying to be difficult. I just genuinely don't understand. What precisely do you expect him to do? He has already asked her and she said no? Can he force her? How? Would your expectation be that he disowns her? What kind of dad would he be if he did that? I can't ever imagine not attending my childrens' wedding or disowning them for any tangible reason. As disappointed as OP must be, surely she must see that a 29 year old woman has the right to choose her guest list, as unpalatable as it may seem.

That's exactly how I would feel.

Oh I disagree all right!!! There is no justification whatsoever for Madam Bridezilla excluding her stepsister while including the other four family members she lives with, and you can spin it however you want, you're still wrong!

Doesn't matter how the OP "frames it", a snub is still a snub and the implications of this will be far-reaching. Obviously Bridezilla doesn't care how upset her step-sister will be, or the difficulties she is creating for Moneybags Daddy.

If they have no relationship, I rather think the adult step sister should be taking on the bulk of the responsibility for failing to try to form one, especially once subsequent siblings (whom she apparently dotes upon) came along who now tie her forever to her step sister.

But why would an adult want a relationship with a 4 year old? When I was 16 my dad got together with a woman who had 3 children, aged between 2 and 7. I saw them around, once went on holiday with them, but had no relationship with them and no interest in one. When my dad's relationship ended, I never saw them again.

And having half siblings in common doesn't tie you to anyone. I haven't even met my half brother's sisters. I don't even know their names.

And? Are manners no longer a consideration? Or common decency??

DRose3 I can understand your perspective but there is a lot of hate on this thread and all the misogynistic terms that we hate men calling us.
Maybe 14 year old has had more of her father's time than she had? Maybe that hurts? I don't know. But it is just one day. Hopefully she will enjoy Disney World/ London day out etc and have some lovely one on one time with her mother.