14 year old not invited to stepsister’s wedding

[Ombreofmyself]

Stepdaughter is getting married. My husband is paying for everything but dress and flowers.

Our six year old and nine year old are in the wedding, but that’s another story. They are half sisters to the bride.

My 14 year old, step sister to the bride isn’t invited.

Made husband clarify with her. Stepdaughter confirmed so I am not going.

Husband is upset but seems completely incapable of thinking rationally and insisting on her coming but then says why can’t she go to her Dad’s. He should insist as he is paying.

The step daughter is a complete cow. I don't see your familial relations recovering from this any time soon. She's blown up her family, all for the sake of a seat at a family table for a 14 year old who has done nothing to deserve the treatment she is getting. I am betting there are going to be people at this wedding whom Bridezilla knows much less well and for a much shorter time than she knows/has known her step-sister. I also think taking OP taking her eldest away on a lovely break is the best solution. And fuck being anything other than coolly polite with the 29 year old from now on. "D"H can do all the hosting, cooking, present buying and other "wife work" relating to that brat going forward. Also, why isn't she paying for her own wedding? She's old enough to be paying her own way, or cutting her cloth to fit her bank balance.

Well, if 'blood' is the criteria then the OP doesn't need to consider her SD's feelings and wishes in future.

Is your eldest dd your husbands family?
If she’s a child in her dads family (not even considering that he’s paying) then she should be there.
Maybe if she was an adult or didn’t live there, but to invite 4 out of a household of 5 you just wouldn’t do it.
You also haven’t answered if it’s family money or your husbands separate money. Yous have been together a decade

What a horrid girl SD is. I would be so sad to tell her this. Does she have a best friend? Could you take them both somewhere really special on the day?

SD is a bitch, DH needs to step up and stop being an enabling Disney Dad, tell SD he won’t be funding anything unless she acts appropriately.

@Ombreofmyself You name your daughter in your post of 21.31. You might want to ask the mods to take her name out.

OP, you might want to report your own post and ask MNHQ to remove your dd’s name from your post. Unless that was a typo for dd!

I’d take your daughter on a mini break/holiday over the wedding weekend something you know she’d love and don’t stint on the cost (your husband obviously is spending lots) Then he can enjoy the wedding and looking after the younger ones for a bit and you can concentrate on your daughter who has been very badly treated.
I believe your husband could still do more to sort all this btw, very disappointing.

If my husband did not give that for my daughter to be invited in these circumstances I would very much feel that he did not see us as a family unit . It is unacceptable for him to allow this and would probably irretrievably change my feelings for him and our relationship. He is paying for this wedding so it wouldn’t cost the bride to invite your child. She is just clueless and mean and your husband is being a dick. Make sure you get a hefty sum of money so that weekend you and your daughter can have a massive weekend away together and let him deal with all three of his daughters at the wedding. If my husband really loves you and your daughter as much as he says he would fight for you both to be included. Your daughter may not be his daughter’s blood relatives but she IS his family!

I’m always of the camp where it’s the couples day so they should decide who gets invited but to honestly leave 1 out of 3 sisters out of your wedding is ridiculous especially when they are all so young and still under one roof!

Ps. your husband needs to get a backbone and grow some balls.

YANBU OP and I can’t believe anyone thinks you are. Of course you are upset and won’t go without your eldest daughter. It would perhaps be different if DD1 was an adult with her own things going on (and just happened to still live at home) - but it’s ridiculous to only invite 4 members of a household and not consider the feelings of 5th who’s still a child.

I get your husband is in a shit situation, withdraw the money / lose relationship with his dd.
Or have to go alone and feel bad leaving you and dd.

I would go absolutely nuts if it was me . I'm fortunate in the fact my family and dh family both treat our kids from previous relationships as equal to the dcs we have together.

You and dd go for a fabulous weekend away together.

I would also speak to dsd and tell her how unkind it is and the affect that could have on a 14 year old being made to feel like they don't belong! I then would seriously cut a lot of ties with her.

I think my younger daughters will be upset but I don’t think they will blame SD.

I'd say this clarifies how your sd sees your relationship. Looking into the future would you not be seen as a grandparent?

“Perhaps this is too cynical, but part of me wonders if it isn't a tad convenient that she gets a wedding without her stepmum, without having actually withheld an invitation from you.”.

Bingo!

I would as well OP ensure you will is 100 percent watertight
your DH clearly doesn’t see your DD as his family
so I would be ensuring that your half of the house / savings goes to your Daughters and not to him and his nasty cow of a daughter

get the tenancy on your house if you own changed so you own your percentage yourself and do a deed of trust so he can live in the house but your daughters all get there share when he dies

and you know what h wouldn’t even tell him that I was doing it
it won’t cost you much to do this and he won’t even know 😂. It’s perfectly legal and will cost maybe 500 quid inc a will

your DH is exactly the sort of weak man who would remarry if you died and exclude his kids and give everything to wife no 3

or give everthing to “his kids “ and leave out your DD

Sadly I think you need to be honest with your DDs about the lack of invitation for your eldest. These things have a habit of coming out & likely your girls will be upset at your lack of honesty as well as your DSD being a cow!

Are you not close enough to DSD to speak to her privately? I think this is her way of uninviting you. Maybe her mother would prefer you werent there

Fwiw BIL was under 18 when step FIL DC got married. It wouldn't have crossed anyone's mind that he should be. They are 10+ years older, they didnt get invited to our wedding as they are random people whose father MIL married

Absolutely horrible to put two young children in the position of choosing between one sister's wedding and a trip to Disneyland with their other sister.

I'm with everyone else on book a fabulous mini break for you and your DD. I can't tell you how sad I feel for her.

Drop the rope on any arrangements for the younger ones for the wedding. DH gets to do all of that.

And I'd cool all relations with SD, your DH can do everything for her going forwards.

And definitely sort out your Will, make sure your DD is protected in it, DH is going to prioritise his DD, and should anything happen to you you need to make sure you've made provision for it.

This is so brutal as it divides your family up completely and I do think DH should have stepped up more as well, by not it's driving a rift between you all.

I wonder whether the solution is to actually invoke the stepdaughter’s selfishness.

DH needs to make it crystal clear that the consequence of not inviting the 14yo is that OP can’t attend the wedding. DH’s main role will then have to be the only parent present to the two little girls . SD needs to understand that her father won’t be available to her while he is the sole parent to the little girls.

The realisation that without OP there, bride’s father is actually going to have to scale down his FOTB role, might make her realise that the sensible choice is to extend the invitation to the whole family.

Honestly, I think you should be asking your DH to explain to his daughter how hurtful it is for her to exclude her step sister, especially given that it’s not her that’s putting her hand in her pocket. Ask him to ask her what difference it would really make having her there and that by not inviting her, she’s not just saying “she’s not really family”, she’s saying she doesn’t WANT her to be part of the family. She will no doubt have non family
members there too.

If DH remains calm throughout and asks her if she knows the exclusion is hurtful, hopefully he can help her to see what the situation looks like.

If I were you, I wouldn’t let this go and would encourage him to do something now, because an awkward conversation now, is much better than a long-term fallout, which is the danger here.

And while I understand you want to let your younger ones go
myself personally I wouldn’t let them go
Your daughters are sort of like the three musketeers they should stick together
by letting them go your showing them that they aren’t a team / together

your SD has shown who she is - start listening

so if you daughters do go don’t take them shopping for dresss or facilitate it
let your DH deal with everything to do with your daughters attendance at the wedding
Do absolutely nothing
If he mentions anything to do with the wedding just ignore him
tell him it’s completely his responsibility to take his 2 kids to the wedding and look after them and you will be away with older DD 3 days before the wedding and 3 days afterwards so he’s going to have to sort out childcare as well for when he is working

and in the future no babysitttng for any grandkids bySD

no having her over for family meals with your daughters

no presents don’t do any “wife work for your husband

don’t buy Xmas presents for SD / husband
don’t send Christmas / birthday cards

just ignore the cow let your husband deal with her he can do all of this from now on

he is a weak spineless piece of shit to go along with this

This is an excellent point. You need to make sure that all your children are provided for in your will. Your husband is proving to you that he will not protect all of the children fairly.