To have made ex bring DC home?

[KimodoDragon]

NC for this. Apologies, it’s long.

Ex and I have 2 DC, he left shortly after youngest was born. The split has been acrimonious. We live in very close proximity to my former in laws, so see them out and about occasionally. DD has a close relationship with all of them, sees them all the time and has grown up visiting their homes etc.

My DD is 4. Since I split with her dad, whenever we pass ex-BIL in the street, he flat out ignores her. He was on the pavement approaching us once and turned his whole body away from her to avoid acknowledging us. She will call after him more than once and he’ll ignore her, because she’s with me. This has led to tears from her on multiple occasions.

I get that this is because he has a problem with me, but I’m not the one being hurt by this. I’ve told her that her uncle has problems that mean he’s too scared to speak to people outside of his house, as I didn’t want to drag her into adult situations.

I’ve spoken to my ex about this so many times, and he refuses to acknowledge there’s a problem. So in the end I told him that his brother needs to choose, either he has a relationship with DC or he doesn’t, but this is upsetting and confusing for them. She just sees it as her uncle not speaking to her and it makes her cry.

Back to today - I asked ex if he wanted to spend the bank holiday with DC. He said yes, came to collect them and then took them to his brother’s. After they’d gone I got so angry with this whole situation I texted to ask him to either give me a solution to this problem or bring DC back (it’s technically my time with them today). 10 mins later he’s at the door, pounding on it aggressively while DD is crying in his arms. He dropped DC in the house, told me I’m a twat and left. He’s since text me saying I’m a nasty little twat, telling me to fuck off, etc etc. I said he should be sticking up for his children, that means not just passively standing by while someone willingly upsets them.

WWYD here? I can’t just stand by and let my DC be all happy and close with someone who tomorrow could be upsetting them and making them cry again. AIBU?

Yes. She knows something isnt right. And unless you tell her she will assumer its her fault.

Wow

Your child was in obvious distress and you took a photo to try and use it as emotional blackmail

That's not good

My exH lied to me on a daily basis. And I’m not talking white lies. He tried to convince me I was losing my mind, that I was mentally unstable and couldn’t trust myself. I document as much as I can, especially when it’s something I’ve been accused of making up. It’s nothing to do with emotional blackmail. Doesn’t mean I always get it right.

Taking a photo of a crying child and sending it to "prove" something is attempting emotional blackmail

We get it he is a Twat
Not much you can do about it, you CAN do a lot about your reactions to his Twattiness

Unfortunately you've chosen to have a child with a dickhead.

However, you need to deal with the consequences of your poor decisions without it impacting your DD. Taking her photo or filming her while she's upset as "evidence" is only going to hurt her. It won't hurt your ex.

OP - I've this for you lovely 💐❤️.

You have reacted in a strong way for a reason. Your reaction is similar to people who are highly reactive, often because they feel totally out of control at the hands of other people, gaslighted by them usually. As I read through I was waiting for that part to arrive - and there it was. Your ex has a history of gaslighting. I saw it before you even explained it.

So all you can do is one thing. That's manage YOU and you alone.

Your daughter will value truth. The truth is ' I don't really know exactly why uncle xyz didn't speak then. Maybe he's having a bad day, I don't know lovely. Shall we go to the park?'

That is very difficult to do. But this above is the answer, every time.

With the ex - you have to play a game. Someone else said grey rock. I agree. A fluffy version is called yellow rock.

I'd go research this online and become familiar with it. You cannot control this situation or these people. They will possibly enjoy seeing you react. You absolutely must do everything to show as little emotions as possible. Act to your ex as if BIL doesn't exist. Show no care at this stage. Until you have enough to know it's a problem. They don't like you and that's how it often is. You have to learn a tactic to show and give them as little as possible of yourself. Grey rock is that method.

I can't decide if it's best you always say hi to BIL or not. I'd probably say hi as nicely as I could if forced in front of him.

You are allowed to feel hurt by this. The issue is that you are hurt and not so much the 4 year old who won't care that much. This is why it stings so much.

There are lots of groups online for support dealing with narcissistic or gaslighting people in your life. Come find us. 🙏

Really good idea not to do the pictures or filming anymore. It makes you look really bad, no one will take any notice and your child doesn't need to be filmed/ pictured like this 🙏.

Get a diary, keep it private always. Write in it how your ex is every single cun* under the sun as is BIL and it will help you process all the understandable hurt and anger.

@KimodoDragon

I think this is a good point. He's a twat, he lives to get a rise out of you. He enjoys it and it justifies himself to himself. And it appears that you willingly take the bait.

Perhaps if you stopped letting him see that he gets to you he'd stop or at least tone it down. Not right away, it'll take time, patience, and persistence. But you'll wear him down in time. I'm not saying you can magically make your feelings disappear, just that you can hide them.

Next time he starts in on you, sigh and put the phone down on him or close the door in his face. Ignore any nasty messages, respond only to 'decent' communications. If you have something to say, say it quietly and plainly. If he starts getting heated up or abusive, terminate the conversation. And above all, think what his possible reaction will be before you say or take any actions. It will help you prepare to deal with his response. Don't let him get your goat.

I don't mean that you need to let him walk all over you or call the shots. You just learn to moderate your responses. That doesn't equate to acquiescence. No still means no, even if you only whisper it.

Have a conversation with her. She doesn't always have to be made to cry 🙄"Grown ups and children can have big feelings. Big feelings are hard. BIL loves you very much. He just finds it hard to talk sometimes because he has big feelings. When his big feelings stop him from talking. He still loves you. He just finds big feelings hard."