To have made ex bring DC home?

[KimodoDragon]

NC for this. Apologies, it’s long.

Ex and I have 2 DC, he left shortly after youngest was born. The split has been acrimonious. We live in very close proximity to my former in laws, so see them out and about occasionally. DD has a close relationship with all of them, sees them all the time and has grown up visiting their homes etc.

My DD is 4. Since I split with her dad, whenever we pass ex-BIL in the street, he flat out ignores her. He was on the pavement approaching us once and turned his whole body away from her to avoid acknowledging us. She will call after him more than once and he’ll ignore her, because she’s with me. This has led to tears from her on multiple occasions.

I get that this is because he has a problem with me, but I’m not the one being hurt by this. I’ve told her that her uncle has problems that mean he’s too scared to speak to people outside of his house, as I didn’t want to drag her into adult situations.

I’ve spoken to my ex about this so many times, and he refuses to acknowledge there’s a problem. So in the end I told him that his brother needs to choose, either he has a relationship with DC or he doesn’t, but this is upsetting and confusing for them. She just sees it as her uncle not speaking to her and it makes her cry.

Back to today - I asked ex if he wanted to spend the bank holiday with DC. He said yes, came to collect them and then took them to his brother’s. After they’d gone I got so angry with this whole situation I texted to ask him to either give me a solution to this problem or bring DC back (it’s technically my time with them today). 10 mins later he’s at the door, pounding on it aggressively while DD is crying in his arms. He dropped DC in the house, told me I’m a twat and left. He’s since text me saying I’m a nasty little twat, telling me to fuck off, etc etc. I said he should be sticking up for his children, that means not just passively standing by while someone willingly upsets them.

WWYD here? I can’t just stand by and let my DC be all happy and close with someone who tomorrow could be upsetting them and making them cry again. AIBU?

Not everyone your child meets is a role model. Nobody is presenting the uncle as a role model. He’s an idiot. But the OP could make it all less upsetting for her DD with the age appropriate truth - ‘uncle X doesn’t like me so he doesn’t want t9 stop and talk to you when you are with me. It’s not very nice of him, but that’s how it is, so we can just say hell9 and keep walking’

@cardibach even worse then - the child will be confused as to why he is friendly one minute and ignores her the next. Plenty of threads on here where adults wouldn’t put up with this, let alone inflicting it on a child…

You threw a tantrum about his brother and demanded he bring the kids back. You were a twat.
The brother is a petty twat but, for whatever reason, they don’t want to associate with you or talk to you. You cannot demand that is changed, you cannot dictate the relationship your ex has with his brother and you cannot dictate who he takes the kids to see when he has them.
Just tell your kid that you and her uncle don’t get along because you’re not friends so he might not come chat to her when you’re out, but he loves her and is daddy’s family so will see her lots with him.

Simply put, you’re not actually in charge here. It’s co-parenting and you can’t make rules for his time and his family, however much you might want to. And even if they are dicks.

I agree you can’t be angry he’s gone to his brothers on his time. I’d be pissed off if I was the dad.

You can want whatever you want.

But the courts will allow the DD to have contact with her dad. Unless the brother is a proven danger, he won't even come into it. It will be up to dad whether his brother is allowed there or not - not the OP.

A judge isn't going to be interested in petty drama between OP and her ex's brother in the street.

Can you just not go and speak to BIL yourself ?

Yes. That’s the point of the thread…

I think it’s an overreaction but I do also sympathise - why should the BIL who is obviously such a cunt that he will ignore a four year old in the street get to spend time with her? He’s the adult, he should be able to say “hi niece, lovely to see you but can’t stop!” rather than ignoring her and making her cry.

Putting my sensible head on, what is it so hard for OP to tell a 4 yo that when uncle is on the street, he is late and cannot speak to us. A child that age would still struggle with a real reason : say he was with a dangerous dog and you say it’s because of the dog, will not stop your dd crying at not being able to speak to uncle. So, I would treat it just like that. By age of 5/6/7 when she can understand better, you can explain a bit more. The beauty of this is that dad and bil know what happens is true. So no need to worry about them telling her if she gets to age 6/7 and asking why unless is always in a rush in the streets. If they love your dd enough, they would laugh it off or just agree that yes, bil is always late when on street so can’t stop to say helllo.

op may not want to say what the issue is, however, I agree with other posters that it is relevant. I am afraid without that context, op’s own behavior today seems to point to something that is ‘best avoided’. So up to op to give more info.

No you caused all of this. There was no need for you to contact her father.

@faerietales don’t be so sure about that… the dad will be accountable no matter how ‘petty’ it seems to you… And the mother would soon be held to account for not stepping in.

co parenting is to ensure the child is safe, provided for and happy, not a display of parental rights.

Why can't you have a conversation with BIL?

Or send him a text 'hey BIL, listen I get it - you hate me, but DD loves you and when you ignore her, it's hurt her. If we pass by I won't get try to stop and chat. You don't need to ignore DD, can you give her a wave? She's been crying that you don't like her.'

Or something similar.

Your BIL sounds like a childish twat but the upset for your DD today was definitely caused by you and you alone.

You didn't need to insist that ex brought the children straight home, especially as one of your subsequent updates explains that they were only going to be at BIL's house for about an hour anyway. You should have just left things to play out.

Why can't you explain to DD that it is you that her uncle doesn't get along with, not her and that that makes things difficult when you bump into each other when out and about? Tell her that the problem he has is with you, not her and uncle will probably be fine when Daddy next takes them to see him. Then just leave it at that and stop making a big drama out of it.

Agreed.

Hmm. I reckon five would get you ten that it’s words between the OP and the BIL that have got matters to this pickle point already.

A court won’t give a shit about this. They’d all be told to grow up.

Accountable for what? The uncle walking past OP in the street and not saying anything?

I think you're grossly overestimating the courts' powers here. There is no evidence the child is in danger. However, there is evidence of both parties being incredibly immature and upsetting their daughter, so let's not pretend OP is covered in glory while the ex is a total shit.

Why should OP have to explain uncle’s behaviour - that’s for the Dad to manage…

Sorry have just caught up. Lots of questions but I think a couple of people have asked me why he dislikes me. On that I’m not 1000% sure, as I haven’t fallen out with him. I never really had a relationship with him, I don’t even have his phone number.

Ex left me with a newborn and has since been financially and emotionally abusive. He had problems with women, drugs and gambling. Whatever BIL’s issue is with me, it comes from my ex and his mum as I’ve had zero communication with BIL since we split.

@Blackdow maybe where you live, but not here - nothing is too petty where young children in their formative years are concerned…

If he’s emotionally and financially abusive then how is it acrimonious?

It sounds like you got yourself wound up today and acted a bit impulsively rather than thinking about how this might affect your dd.

That said, I also wouldn’t want my dc around someone who treated them like that. The uncle sounds like a complete prick and very immature. Your ex might not be able to control his behaviour but he could at least acknowledge it’s happening and is unacceptable to his dd.

So I voted Yanbu because I don’t blame you for being pissed off about it all. But if there is a next time I would encourage you to take a deep breath and think about your dd before making your ex bring her home on a whim. Oh it’s also not ok for him to be verbally abusing you in front of her either.

Both you and your ex have been unreasonable here and all you are doing with this sort of tit for tat behaviour is upsetting and confusing your children. 😥 Please put them first.

Maybe he ignores her when she's with you ? Maybe he's a good fun uncle when your not around ? Maybe just Maybe you are the problem

Sorry to hear. However, I was surprised when you said you called him and asked him if he wanted to spend the day with dd and he didn’t hesitate to come and get her.

most financially and emotionally abusive ex partners would not have done that. He even complied with your unexpected request to bring her back. Op, you do have a lot to think about for the sake of your dd.