To have made ex bring DC home?

[KimodoDragon]

NC for this. Apologies, it’s long.

Ex and I have 2 DC, he left shortly after youngest was born. The split has been acrimonious. We live in very close proximity to my former in laws, so see them out and about occasionally. DD has a close relationship with all of them, sees them all the time and has grown up visiting their homes etc.

My DD is 4. Since I split with her dad, whenever we pass ex-BIL in the street, he flat out ignores her. He was on the pavement approaching us once and turned his whole body away from her to avoid acknowledging us. She will call after him more than once and he’ll ignore her, because she’s with me. This has led to tears from her on multiple occasions.

I get that this is because he has a problem with me, but I’m not the one being hurt by this. I’ve told her that her uncle has problems that mean he’s too scared to speak to people outside of his house, as I didn’t want to drag her into adult situations.

I’ve spoken to my ex about this so many times, and he refuses to acknowledge there’s a problem. So in the end I told him that his brother needs to choose, either he has a relationship with DC or he doesn’t, but this is upsetting and confusing for them. She just sees it as her uncle not speaking to her and it makes her cry.

Back to today - I asked ex if he wanted to spend the bank holiday with DC. He said yes, came to collect them and then took them to his brother’s. After they’d gone I got so angry with this whole situation I texted to ask him to either give me a solution to this problem or bring DC back (it’s technically my time with them today). 10 mins later he’s at the door, pounding on it aggressively while DD is crying in his arms. He dropped DC in the house, told me I’m a twat and left. He’s since text me saying I’m a nasty little twat, telling me to fuck off, etc etc. I said he should be sticking up for his children, that means not just passively standing by while someone willingly upsets them.

WWYD here? I can’t just stand by and let my DC be all happy and close with someone who tomorrow could be upsetting them and making them cry again. AIBU?

I think you should just say something like “Uncle Jack is a very silly man. He’s probably just playing a joke. I’m sure you’ll see him soon.” In a light voice and play it down as much as possible.

Your DD is clearly picking up on all the hurt and anger in this awful situation. I’m sure you’re doing your best but the best way you can protect her from it is dial down the upset and anger as far as possible, to the extent that it’s in your control.

You shouldn't have done that, OP. You dragged DD into an adult row in just the way you've been trying to avoid. Between the two of you, you have confused her and spoilt what might have been a nice experience with her uncle. What do you expect your ex to do to 'sort out' his brother? He's not his boss.
Maybe take it as a warning not to act too quickly when you feel angry.

@cardibach doubt it very much - if he is picking and choosing when to be nice or not, that’s awful. And I would be protecting my children from him. I wouldn’t care what he thought of me, but he certainly wouldn’t be given a chance to turn his ‘nice’side on and off like that…

Your poor daughter. She’s an innocent victim and being used as a pawn in a squabble between two very immature adults. You need to
sort this out for her sake.

I wonder why the BIL ignores them in the street?

Do you not think OP has made it even more confusing by allowing her to go with her dad, then demanding he brings her home 10 minutes later in a temper?

I also wasn't referring to the behaviour of the uncle (or sister or mum) - I was referring to the fact that OP seems to think she can tell her ex when he's allowed to see his own brother.

What's the story with you and your brother in law. It sounds like he's being petty but without the rest of story it's impossible to tell. Either way it sounds like you are fixated on his behaviour and although it looks like he's being an idiot, you're the one that's escalating the situation rather than explaining it to your daughter and not showing your annoyance.

Whatever the facts are, you owe your ex and your daughter an apology for your behaviour today. It's your obsession/hang up about his behaviour that's caused the problem, not anyone else's. Perhaps her dad can have her for longer tomorrow so you can try to make it up to both of them.

You sound extremely dramatic and unreasonable. I’d imagine that when your BIL doesn’t speak to your DD when she’s with you, it’s not your DD that he’s avoiding!

Absolutely this.

your DD needs to know uncles problem is with you and not her. Instead of making her spend less time with her dad and uncle.

But it wouldn't be your place to give him a chance (or not).

When the DD is with her dad, it's his decision as to whether she's allowed to see her uncle or not - it's nothing to do with OP.

But you had no issue making her dad bring her back and making her cry?! You just say “uncle Dave hates mummy and I’ve no clue why but he doesn’t speak to her us. People are weird sometimes. If you meet up with him with daddy just stay close to daddy.”

not ideal but you can’t dictate where her dad takes her.

BIL is a twat but you made this whole situation worse.

Also curious to know what OP has done in the past to warrant being ignored in the street like that by BIL.

Weird that ex actually caved to the strange ultimatum, if I received a text like that I’d ignore it and carry on with my day with DC.

Not correct. You can choose to move. Why not take that step as opposed to relying on dad to sort his bro when that won’t happen. Moving is what most pp would do or choose to subject de to this behavior. That’s also a choice.

@faerietales he can take me to court to see whether he’s right. I have every right to stop them being potentially harmed by his brothers’ behaviour…

Yeah, good luck with that one. That's awful behaviour and hopefully a judge would see straight through it.

@faerietales its more worrying that you wouldn’t do anything…

As usual, the devil's in the detail. Depending on what exactly you said in your messages, he was either being reasonable or unreasonable in bringing your daughter straight back. Whether it was his fault your daughter was upset, or yours, depends on that. It's quite possible he should just have ignored it and carried on with his day; it's also possible you threatened to call the police if he didn't.

Doing something doesn't need to involve banning your child from seeing their other parent. It's worrying that you assume it does, tbh.

A court would look very, very dimly on a mother withholding contact over this - not a game I would be keen to try and play.

At the end of the day, a child has a right to see their parent and to have a relationship with them. Playing silly games only means they're the ones who suffer.

What kind of uncle behaves like this?! I would never ignore one of my nieces or nephews in the street regardless of an issue I had with their parent. I understand why you are angry, I don’t think it’s fair for him to do this and then spend time with her being all hunky dory when you aren’t around. And why on earth is Dad not dealing with this? Unfair, not on, and frankly uncle wouldn’t be spending time with child until he could grow up.

Yeah, I'd like to know this too, tbh. I wonder what happened to cause all this angst.

I don't understand why he can't speak to and be nice to the child when she's out with the OP. He can still ignore the OP and just respond pleasantly to the child's greeting.

It is really worrying that people think that a parent’s rights to see their child trumps everything, including having to cope with an uncle’s poor behaviour which has a direct impact on a child’s emotions. Not a role model I want around my child thanks…

The OP says he speaks to her when she’s with her dad.

How did you come to know he had taken DD to see BIL @KimodoDragon ?

You didn't know in advance so how did you find out?