To think I’ve made a mistake telling a friend I’ve come into money?

[TheJoyousFox]

I recently came into money - not life-changing but a decent amount. I mentioned it to a friend in passing and ever since, I feel her attitude toward me has shifted. She’s started making comments about how “lucky” I am, hinting at how tough things are for her financially and even joking about me covering things when we go out.

I didn’t expect this to be a big deal but now I’m wondering if I should have kept it to myself. AIBU to think I made a mistake bringing it up? Have you ever been in a similar situation?

I inherited a lot of money from my grandparents, enough so I could buy my house with a big deposit and a relatively small mortgage. Obviously some family members know about this but none of my friends have any idea. I have never and would never talk about it with friends or colleagues.

Yep @TheJoyousFox You should NEVER have told her. Or anyone actually. I have recently come into some money - mid 5 figures - and no-one knows except DH. It's in a high interest savings account. No fucker is getting a penny of it (except DH and my 2 DC.) Then again, my DC don't know about it. They don't need to. They have very good incomes and don't need financial support, but if they needed help I would be there for them/help them out.

There are very few people in my life who I would lend/give money to or bail out financially. DH and I struggled for many years especially when our DC were young, and not a single soul helped us. (Bitter? moi?! 😂)

I wouldn't be a guarantor either. Not for anyone.

.

It's bet not to advertise a windfall but what's done is done. Just ignore her remarks.

Yes you did make a mistake and if you told her how much even more of one.

It's kind of understandable really, even if it is not good behaviour. If you are very poor it is difficult to deal with the fact that your friends might be much richer as money is an overriding occupation in most poor peoples lives and limits their ability to feel secure and provide the lifestyle they would like for their families.

Ideally she shouldn't feel entitled to your cash and you shouldn't bait her (no matter how much it wasn't intended) with how much you have. Unfortunately the world is not always ideal, and it takes some people bitter experience to learn these lessons.

I’ve come into money on many occasions and generally update my close friends as they would know about the places I go and the things I buy. However none of my friends have ever hinted at “drinks on you” or had the green eyed monster. You need to get better friends.

Yes, you made a mistake. It’s nobody’s business what money you have and if you tell people you’ve got lots then some will see it as an invitation unfortunately. On the plus side, at least your friend has shown their true colours.

Sorry, but yes you made a mistake. Money is so hugely divisive, creates jealous feelings, etc, no good generally comes of talking about it. Done now though. Dont mention it again, and if she does say the tax man got it, or something similar and close the convo down. It’s rude of her, but some people can’t help themselves.

Yup, you've learned a valuable lesson not to talk about money. Other people (including close family and friends) can often turn jealous and demanding. It's completely ruined my relationship with my sister as she's made a series of poor decisions and hasn't two pennies to rub together, constantly in debt, ancient car breaking down constantly because she perceives she has no money to service/replace it and she constantly snipes at me for having a pretty average lifestyle to the extent I had to stop telling her when we were going on holiday (to average/normal places) or having work done in the house, etc. She turned every single conservation back to how she has no money etc. It's just easier not to mention things. You'll find that people who actually have money tend not to talk about it. It's the ones who don't who obsess about it, whether whinging they have none, or spending on debt like there's no tomorrow!

I agree with this.

Make a point of saying it’s all gone due to a tax bill or unexpected house repair.

This!

With good and supportive friendships it wouldn’t matter.

Not always. Sometimes cash will break a "good and supportive friendship". Friends can be very fickle.

That’s my point though, they’re not good friends.

Sadly friends like that are a bit fairweather. At least she show you some true colours. My friends and I have never treated each other like this over money.

If you didn't mention the exact figure, tell a white lie and just sigh and say, yeah, that's gone now as I had to pay off xyz bill/debt. And change the subject.

I'd say most friends wouldn't act that way but it's best not to mention stuff like that. Unless all your mates are literally multimillionaires who never struggle for cash. Even then you can get people acting jealous if they feel you didn't 'deserve' this windfall.

I inherited in excess of £1 million when my mother died. The only person I told was my uncle, as I wanted to give his daughter some money. As my Mum lived very frugally, and for some reason everyone thought her house was rented, no-one was any the wiser. My uncle also told me not to tell anyone, as “friends” would be coming out of the woodwork.

That is why my dh and my dc do not know what savings I have. No need. No need for them to know that they don't need to be careful with the money, that is all.

A dear friend of mine, having heard my dm died, exclaimed 'Gosh! How many houses do you now have?' and I could feel her envy. Ever since then 'you should sell it, you don't need it' - she comes up with this advice periodically, and I have never asked for her advice!

people do become funny about money.

When my FIL died I was very upset (he died in our home and it was unexpected). I was meant to meet with a friend for lunch and called her to say we had found him that morning and could I postpone.

She snapped; 'I guess you will inherit then' and hung up on me. Now, to be slightly fair- she had told me that week her own parents had told her they would be leaving everything to her sister because her sister was the only one who had children and she had been upset about it. So I knew the rough context to her ire. However- this was in 2016 and she has never spoken to me again- despite the fact we live in a small village and move in the same circles.

I think that was the day I learned that people become insane about things that are none of their fucking business if money is involved.

Never tell anyone if you've come into money.

Gosh how awful @FeelingLessTired !

Just tell her you’ve locked it away for five years

I think you would have been wise to keep the matter quiet.
I recently received a significant amount of compensation after a workplace accident. Not even my immediate family know the exact amount and most people don't know I've received anything. I don't consider myself "lucky" to have it, I'm left with what are probably permanent physical and psychological issues after the accident and I can no longer do my previously well paid job. The money is largely in recognition of lost earnings and has paid for private healthcare. I might not need it all immediately but it's been invested to hopefully provide for my future financial security.
Nobody knows. Nobody needs to know. Most of my friends and family would not be in any way envious or avaricious if they did know, but there are a couple of rather feckless individuals in the extended family who'd almost certainly be harassing me to pay their debts. I'd have no problem saying no, but for the sake of family harmony it's better all round if that doesn't happen. And if nobody else knows, there's no way they can find out, so I keep my private business private!

It is not her fault, though. She has been conditioned by our society to expect others to pay for them. It is everywhere in our daily lives - the maxim 'he who does not earn, neither shall he eat' does not apply anymore to able-bodied, employable people. I was approached yet again, by Shelter chuggers in the street with the old 'young people can't afford a house anymore'. Like it is a human right to have a house as soon as you turn 18. Our society conditions people to feel entitled to other people's money. The absurd policies of the government of 'no evictions' for ripping the arse and no paying rent, etc. etc. encourage people's entitlement.

Thanks @SheilaFentiman . I spent way too many hours of heartbreak over it and thinking I could fix the situation somehow. I even considered putting her in my own will until DH snapped me out of it. I was very genuinely distraught.

FIl died January 2016. Nearly 10 years later and I wasted probably half of that time thinking I was at fault somehow. Thankfully I am over it.

Miss FIl immensely. Our 14 year old was named for him though so we have lovely memories.

So many threads on here with the friend in need who plans what they can spend their mate’s money on.
I am mid 50’s so have a few friends who have inherited, including myself, and nobody has asked a question or said a word.
Over the years we have all supported each other, if someone has lost a job for example but that’s just the odd meal or treat.
Your friend is a CF.