Neighbour knocking door at all hours asking for help

[daisyrabir]

There is a family that have recently moved in a few doors down.
English is not the native language and the family do not speak English very well.

A few times now the older lady has knocked on my door at around 10:30pm at night asking for help.
I did open the door and helped her with her phone issue.

Its like now it’s all the time, she will just come round in the day and night asking for help.

I have young children one of whom is a newborn and don’t want her to keep knocking on my door, especially at night.

She does this to the other neighbours as well.

DP has told me to just ignore the door now.
AIBU?

Oh fgs stop.

Could you not go around and try to explain what hours it is ok to ask for help and when it is not? Seems a bit all or nothing to just ban her?

I find a lot of these responses surprising.

From my understanding, the OP has not expressed doing anything that is unkind to this neighbor, and if anyone is not taking other people's feelings into consideration, it's the neighbor. She is in her late 50s, so she is not a frail old lady, for starters.

Now hearing how she treats this struggling single mother neighbor with the elderly mother confirms the absolute selfishness of this woman. I do not think she should be given some pass for coming from a different culture, especially when she is knowingly disturbing women with young children at 10:30 and 11 at night.

I had a neighbour who would just turn up in my back garden, she would sometimes need help with something, or just wanted a cup of tea. It didn't bother me as she was a nice lady, but I got concerned about her and spoke to her family, turned out she was developing dementia. She would come into my back garden as that's what neighbours used to do back in the village she grew up in in Ireland.

This woman may just be a bit "lacking" and be usex to different customs regarding visiting neighbours, or she might actually have a neurological problem.

5am and 11pm? That’s insane.

I hope your neighbour just stops answering the door. Just ignore it.
Id go and knock on the door when your know the kids are home. Ask them if they are aware their mother is knocking on various doors at unsocial hours and ask if she’s ok?!

Could you hang a sign on the front door: "Sleeping baby. Do not disturb." Maybe add an illustration in case she doesn't understand.

That doesn’t apply to this post.

Good idea 💡

I think it's probably a cultural difference thing. You mention they are not native to the UK. In some other countries they stay up much later and are much more sociable than we are here! so popping round to see neighbours at 10.30pm may not be unusual. A kind response might be to say, its a bit late for me to help now but would you like to pop round at x time? You can get harsher around boundaries if you feel you need to of course.

Not in my house! I'm usually the only one still up at 10:30pm. DH goes to bed at around 9:30 and once he's taken his hearing aids out there's no way he would hear the doorbell.

I have to admit, I would be alarmed if the doorbell rang so late at night. I would assume it was some sort of emergency - a neighbour needing urgent assistance, or the emergency services coming to tell me about something important.

Well most of the respondents to your posts don't like the insinuation that husbands are deliberately putting their spouses in harm's way. Of course they wouldn't. Nonetheless the women are choosing what they do, answering the door to their own home of they so wish.

You have double standards.

Could you try to catch someone else from the house and make polite conversation but weave here frequently visits into the conversation with curiosity. Surely they must be wondering where she is going at 5am and 11pm?

Yeahh, you've inadvertently ruffled some rather precious feathers here, it seems there's quite a few out there who don't want to accept the physical limitations and obvious vulnerabilities that come with being female and that some unscrupulous people will more than happily take advantage when given the opportunity.

😂😆
Appallingly, I have just had to acknowledge that my 5'7" daughter pips me to the Warwick Davies position, who should I be at 5'10"instead? My 22 year old son will be Gerard Butler, my 20 year old son will have to be Cary Grant and his 15 year old little bother will be the Harlem Globetotter!

😂

This could be a cultural difference, she could be from a background where it's more of an open door policy to neighbours, and where women are not expected to be independent.

But this doesn't mean that you need to be available to her all the time.

It's reasonable to answer the door and say you're busy with the children, so can't help her, and hopefully she'll get the hint.

She does sound lonely, which is sad, but hopefully can make some friends via a church, cultural associations etc.

.

Tbf I won't open the door that time of night. It's not an especially safe area and people have been known to push their way in and rob you.

Mind that goes whether a man answers or not.

It's lucky for those who wouldn't think twice about it. Nice to live in such a safe bubble where nothing bad ever happens

Very much depends on the community.

Thank you. I thought it was quite obvious. Clearly not.

Seem pretty happy to send him there.

What?
I don’t send anyone anywhere. My adult son is protective of me and his dad.

Tbf she's not old (she's only on her 50s!). However, it's likely to be cultural. Just tell her you go to bed early and then don't answer the door again past a certain time. Also maybe become a bit of a luddite so she stops asking you.

Are you older? I wonder if this is more an age thing? I don't mean that offensively but I wonder if this fear/protective relationship comes as parents age. I note we have adult children of the same age (mine is 22 this year, also a 19 yo) but I am 43 so still feel very capable myself. Some of my children have parents around 60 yo so I guess that could be you too, and maybe our differing viewpoints are more to do with age? What do you think?

You need adult social services, I'd ping them an email and let them decide whether to investigate. I'd also speak to the family.
She could easily have early stage dementia and her children are working or oblivious to it. She'll be at risk wandering around.

Don't you all have an upstairs window to talk out of if a random person appears late in the evening?

Can you get a Ring doorbell so you can see who's there and decide if you want to open it or not?

I had a colleague like this for a while. Any problem she had was immediately someone else's problem... I moved desk so I wasn't in the firing line.

My neighbour would come round and ask for help but it's reciprocal and she'd WhatsApp first. And that's based on a relationship where we know each other well.

You don't <start> a neighbourly relationship like this!