Neighbour knocking door at all hours asking for help

[daisyrabir]

There is a family that have recently moved in a few doors down.
English is not the native language and the family do not speak English very well.

A few times now the older lady has knocked on my door at around 10:30pm at night asking for help.
I did open the door and helped her with her phone issue.

Its like now it’s all the time, she will just come round in the day and night asking for help.

I have young children one of whom is a newborn and don’t want her to keep knocking on my door, especially at night.

She does this to the other neighbours as well.

DP has told me to just ignore the door now.
AIBU?

🤣

Instead of being childish and wanting to ignore her, be an adult and tell her that it is not ok. 10:30 pm in any culture isn’t acceptable.
she has no boundaries but you have also clearly allowed this.
so tell her you can help but only before X time.

You are not very community spirited OP. It's not often you get the chance to help someone who genuinely needs your help. In southern Europe, something like this would be more more normal, as communities thrive on helping each member out for the good of the village. I would help your neighbour when they need it.

She may come from a culture where neighbours are friendly and helpful, it is sort of a compliment that she feels she can come to you, but annoying all the same. Can you let her down gently? Just say it's too late now I'll see you tomorrow, and explain that you don't like to open the door late at night. It seems a shame to respond too harshly to someone who seems harmless and a bit lost.

Do women have no agency even in their own homes?

Does the neighbour have dementia? Or something like that? (Serious question). Just this complete lack of boundaries, awareness of what's acceptable, repetitive questions and ignoring you. I would try to speak to the family that live with her first, there might be something going on and they don't know she's wondering around. But also yes, I'd get a camera doorbell.

You said a family has moved in and that she is an older lady. Does that mean a multi- generational household? If so, I would have thought the younger family members could help with the phone, apps, etc. Maybe she is lonely. If you felt like it, you could invite her round for a cup of tea in the afternoon occasionally? That might naturally cut down the evening visits. Alternatively, just ask her not to knock in the evenings.

Jeez, the comments on here. Shut the door in her face, shout No More at her, her lack of English isn’t OP’s problem etc etc. It’s really sad.

How about a kinder and more human approach? To this woman who is vulnerable, and clearly trusts the OP? Of course it’s not reasonable for her to come knocking all hours, but there are kind ways to tell people this.

It’s saddening to hear such hard hearted approaches tbh.

Thos is how communities work - people speak to each other, help each other, treat each other with resepect. Not ignore them and be rude to them and refuse to help them.

Imagine moving to a country where you didn’t speak the language, reaching out to a neighbor, only to have them treat you like shit. (Which is not what OP has done, but which lots of people are recommending). Sometimes we actually have to go out of our way to help people, and if it’s not possible to help them then it doesn’t kill anyone to just say kindly ”Really sorry, i want to help you with this but I can’t do so just now - I’ll drop round tomorrow and help you then’.

But not her own family??

And use Google translate to help you express it in her language. Could also put a polite and friendly note through her door saying the same.

What do you suggest that the many women who live alone do?

Unless I was fleeing persecution, I wouldn’t move to a country if I didn’t speak the language. I would either learn the language before I moved, or I’d stay where I was.

Do you know what her first language is ? There might be a helpline number she can call , I just googled a few different languages and several came up.

Might be easier to find a phone number of a helpline and give her that.

Must be hard having a chat if she doesn't speak English.

You tell her NO when she calls round as I'm sure NO is recognised all around the world.

She may well be fleeing persecution. All the more reason to treat her with humanity and kindness. As regards your personal choice to only move somewhere once you’ve learned the language, each to their own I guess, but it’s a bit of an unusual and impractical approach and quite limiting for you I would imagine. Most people learn some prior to a move and then continue to learn once they’ve moved.

Would you really genuinely do that if someone asked you for help?

I'd print something out in her language using Google translate -use very short simple sentences as its not perfect!

Just tell her not to call before/after whatever times suit you and explain you're very busy, that the fact you are home does not mean you're free to help.

@Tootjaskoot well clearly taking the approach of not learning the language hasn’t worked out well for her has it. She is knocking on her neighbours door at 10.30 at night for non urgent help. And cultural diferences is no defence. That is rude everywhere in the world.

Tell her to stop knocking on the door after a particular time because it's disturbing you and especially the newborn baby and the än don't answer the door to her after that time.

I had this with a neighbour of mine for a while. She has poor health and sometimes needs help with medical appointments and also has a learning difficulty so often needs help with things that others would be able to manage without help.
I had to tell her not to ring my bell after 7 pm and also not to come round between 12 and 1 because that's lunchtime.
Took her a while but when I just didn't answer the door at those times she soon got used to it.

As PP have said maybe this behaviour is more acceptable in her culture and she just needs to be made aware of how we tend to do things in the UK. Also, different cultures have different attitudes to time....e.g eating really late so that could be new for her. However, as the OP indicated she's doing it a lot and to different people I did wonder about her MH. She seems young for dementia (but it's poss) but may be stressed and acting strangely. Can you talk to someone else in her family?

Where is she from? Maybe others have some insight into that culture which will help.

i wouldn’t answer the door at that time
Even with a poor grasp of English, she can tell night from day.
I wouldn’t answer every time in the day either.
She can ask another neighbour.
I’m sure with a newborn and a toddler you’ve barely time to drink a cup of tea

Ignore the door. Simple as that.

She’s having adult children living with her- so she’s clearly not alone.
If her children managed to get the job, they can obviously help her with those little things as well.
I don’t really get those comments advocating this lady that it’s acceptable to bother someone with non urgent issues late in the night?
In what culture it’s acceptable?
Especially if you know that op have a small children.

Everyone can download Google translator, learn some basic English, learn something about the country where you gonna live- to me it just seems plain rude to behave like this.

Ugh, I am in a similar situation. Sometimes, with certain people, the slightest encouragement makes them latch on. I was friendly to a not quite elderly neighbor if I ever bumped into her outside, nothing more than how I am with the other neighbors, and she also started knocking on my door asking me to solve her problems. We are really complete strangers. She knows nothing about my life other than as a casual observer.

If it is convenient, I will open the door, if it isn't, I don't, but it sets the dogs off, sometimes when I'm on a work call, and I do resent that. You are not obligated to answer the phone every time it rings, and the same goes for the door--especially when you are busy with your children or it is late at night.

This woman clearly has family and they need to step up here. You have your own family to worry about and prioritize. I struggled with feeling guilty but honestly, I work full-time from home, am a busy mother constantly having to run all around, and I have some serious marital issues as well as many things going on with my own parents, etc. Basically I have of my own problems and stress and lack of support and I started to resent that this woman thought it was now my problem to solve hers, or ringing the bell when I could be in the middle of a personal or work problem. I also often feel like I am at the end of my rope with my own life and cannot take on anything more, especially a stranger's problems. I can't even go into our yard at times without her running over to complain about something. So...I get it.

My advice would be to only answer if it is convenient, and even then, make it very clear that you are a busy mother with young children. With her lack of English, just shake your head firmly and then start to close the door, motioning to the kids in the background and the responsibilities you need to tend to. At least she hasn't completely singled you out--yet.

I'd be in bed fast asleep most of the time if someone knocked on the door at 10.30pm. I wouldn't even hear it.