To be devastated by what DS has done or am I over-reacting?

[Acunningruse]

Short version: DS (12yo) sent a message to a family friend’s daughter (call her Lucy) saying “mate I don’t like you so don’t put kisses on messages”
😢 I saw this when doing a random check of his phone, hit the roof and have banned his phone for Easter weekend and given him extra chores.

Long version:
DS (12) has struggled hugely with the transition from a tiny primary to big secondary school. He seems to be trying to be the big I am, the cool guy.

We are involved parents concerned about social media and we check his phone regularly. I am concerned about how he speaks to girls in messages- less respectful than he is with boys. He had a girlfriend for a short while but when they broke up he and his friends were name calling her (a play on her surname, eg her Surname is Bank…) she messaged him asking him to stop and he was unkind. I discovered the messages and made him apologise to her and he lost phone and gaming privileges for a week.

We visited these family friends a few weeks ago and the mum seemed to be “pushing DS and Lucy towards each other. Rather than leaving them to just be, it was “DS and Lucy, you go to the shop together, you both sit here to watch a film…” DS was mortified by this and kept saying afterwards I don’t want Lucy to think I like her in that way.

Lucy text DS yesterday with pictures of their holiday and DS response was “mate I don’t like you so don’t put kisses on messages “

I am hugely upset by this to think he could possibly think this is an acceptable way to speak to someone. Lucy is a very sweet very naive girl (suspect SEN) who would have been devastated to read this. Im hopeful i managed to delete the message before she saw it (no blue ticks) but I can’t be sure. I don’t know if I did the right thing by deleting I just wanted to spare her feelings.

when we confronted DS he just kept saying “I don’t want her to think I like her in that way”. We talked about men and women being friends, you can put kisses in messages and it doesn’t mean anything, but he was not as remorseful as we felt he should have been.

we go on holiday today and this has completely cast a shadow over it for me. Im terrified we are raising some kind of andrew Tate wannabe-despite us being the strictest parents ever around his phone and social media. Not to mention we are going away with friends whose kids will all have their phones so DS will be an absolute nightmare sulking about not having his but we feel we have to do something.

parenting a pre-teen is all new to us (DD is 9) and every other day I feel like we are getting it wrong.

Am I over reacting? under reacting? I haven’t slept in days (sick bug in house) and I just don’t know what to do any more.

if you had a DD who had sent that to a boy there’s a good chance you would say well done

I don’t think there was anything wrong with his message. It was straight and to the point and doesn’t leave any chance of it being misunderstood.

Mumsnet weirdness again saying there is. Lots of time on here people are being told to make their feelings known in a direct way so nothing can be misconstrued.

I agree with pulling him up on taking the piss out of his ex's surname / being derogatory. That's juvenile but it's still not ok.

Your reaction now is hugely OTT. So girls are allowed boundaries but boys aren't?

I wonder if you have been spending too much time online yourself (especially here), and are now seeing every boy/man as a potential misogynist/ Andrew Tate.

He's only young. When the other mum was pushing him together with Lucy and he was uncomfortable, you should have been defusing the situation. Not telling him he just has to get on with it.

Because the way we have to raise our girls is different to the way we raise our boys.

Girls are taught to accept and put others first. And we 100% need to counteract this.

Boys are taught to dominate and dismiss girls that are unattractive to them (due to us existing in a patriarchal, misogynistic) society and we 100% need to teach them how to relate to girls as equals, not based on their attractiveness, but as people equal to their mates.

And yeah maybe you need to stop hanging out with them while Lucy’s mum is having issues. You’ve tried talking to her and clearly didn’t work. Teach your son that he matters to you more than keeping up appearances.

@LuluDeluluif a boy put kisses on a message to my dd, but the message itself was otherwise just friendly and sharing holiday photos, I'd advise my dd to ignore the kisses and simply reply politely, thanking them for the photos and not signing with kisses herself.
Boundaries mean not feeling obliged to get further involved than you want. It means not maintaining long term contact with people you aren't keen on - it doesn't mean being cold and cruel to a person who has been friendly and not inappropriate in any way. Manners are important, as is consideration of other people's feelings. Boundaries aren't about discarding that consideration because only his feelings matter!

I'm surprised by the consensus on here! AIBU is fickle - I think if OP had said she had a gentle chat with her DS about phrasing things more sensitively, there would have been a pile on that her DS would end up in prison for stabbing someone unless she confiscated the phone for life.

I think you've done the right thing to take it seriously OP and to tell your DS it's not on.

However, I think short punishments are better than long ones. If you've spoken and he seems to take your point on board, I'd probably say he can have his phone for your trip away, especially as the other teens will have them. But any more messages like that and you will have it again.

In what way? They had smart phones at 12.

@EdithBond so you are talking what 8-10 years ago now and you don't think things have changed?

Agree.

I’m guessing all those posters who are saying “overreaction” are also the same people who were shouting that the problem explored in Adolescence doesn't actually exist because their darling little Johny isn't like that.

How kind.

OP i hate to say this, but from what you have written, your behaviour is likely going to push your son towards the kind of 'Andrew Tate' style ideology you are terrified of.

Just from what you have written, you seem to be approaching every interaction he has with a default view that boys are always going to be wrong and girls need to be protected. He won't respond well to that as he gets older, knowing his own mum is likely to never take his side in any interaction with a girl.

As others have said, just reverse the sexes in your scenario and imagine telling a 12 year old girl she isn't ok to set boundaries on a boy who was expressing unwanted attention towards her?! He got it a bit wrong, but he is 12. All he now takes away from that interaction is that you care more about other people's feelings (as long as they are girls) than his.

Also this constant monitoring of every message he sends and receives is bordering on demented and only shows him you have absolutely zero trust in him. Expect him to seriously push back against that going forwards if you don't take a step back.

You need to be there for your son, not for other randoms.

If it was a boy who had sent kisses to your daughter, would you have had the same over reaction? .

You should be advocating for him in tricky situation and stop punishing him. Yes maybe his wording wasn't very tactful but he's 12 and navigating teen life...but you have treated him appalling .

And another fruitcake

you that is @Itsoneofthose

Honestly, I wish more people were like your son in this respect. I hate it when people put kisses at the end of messages. It happens all the time, especially when selling things online, and it's cringey in my opinion.
I wish I had the balls to tell people not to do it. The only people I don't mind doing it are my husband and certain members of my family.
He's done nothing wrong. He wanted to set a boundary (maybe a bit directly, but there you go), he's done that. I respect it.

I'm genuinely confused that people think the friend was matchmaking. She was just encouraging kids of similar age to hang out together. If she'd had a son, do you think suggesting they go to the shops or watch a film while grownups talk would be matchmaking? Or do you think girls spending time with boys at that age can only have one purpose and anyone who encourages it is forcing a match? To me that's just weird.

Absolutely this. Could it have been softer? Maybe but still I think it was actually ok for his age.

I think the messages about the surname etc you were right to be cross. This is not really anything. He wasn't kind and you can address this but it isn't losing phone for the weekend territory.

I think he's setting a boundary, which he is entitled to do. Boys should be encouraged as much as girls to speak up when they don't feel comfortable. He perhaps needed to reword things a little, but, he's very young and his brain has nowhere near fully developed so he may not have even thought to reword things.

I personally wouldn't have punished him for what he said but spoken with him as he may feel he can't enact his boundaries in a what could be a worse situation next time.

He's a boy turning into a teen. They push back, are massively influenced by social culture and friends. You can't expect him to act like a little boy anymore I'm afraid.

I have a 12 year old and have seen some mean messages he sent and also over reacted. Remember kids are used to speaking IN PERSON and this is normal bickering between children if it was said with no adults hearing.

please don't shame him for not knowing great online chat skills and being a bit rude.

I’m guessing all those posters who are saying “overreaction” are also the same people who were shouting that the problem explored in Adolescence doesn't actually exist because their darling little Johny isn't like that.

🙄

It's an overreaction to ban him, confiscate his phone and give him extra chores. 12 yr olds of either sex don't always talk kindly to each other & often don't know how to handle certain situations.

Overreacting. He was setting his own boundary, worded as a 12 year old so clumsy but not wrong

this nailed it

My goodness from the title I thought he’d done something terrible!! You are majorly overreacting, it is difficult navigating feelings particularly at this age I’m sure he was just trying to reinforce he doesn’t feel that way about her, perhaps the wording could have been better. My eldest dd (18) comes to me for advice when she’s had a tricky situation and we discuss how to approach it- particularly when in years 7-10 with friendship groups/ bullying etc. I fear your harsh punishment and strict regime will cause your ds to hide things from you and view you as unapproachable!
it’s good to monitor phones at 12 but I’d not interfere or question your son about anything unless dangerous/inappropriate or he’s bullying someone.
I personally wouldn’t have mentioned or done anything about that text message.
give the poor lad his phone back over Easter and relax !

unlike the son you’re raising no doubt @Viviennemary

It doesn’t matter what you or we think.

The OP’s son felt continually forced to be with her - he was “mortified” and kept saying afterwards that he doesn’t want Lucy to think he likes her on that way.

He then got a text message from Lucy with kisses.

He may have made 2+2=5 but he is only 12 and we all know texts are so easy to misconstrue and overthink and we are adults!