To be devastated by what DS has done or am I over-reacting?

[Acunningruse]

Short version: DS (12yo) sent a message to a family friend’s daughter (call her Lucy) saying “mate I don’t like you so don’t put kisses on messages”
😢 I saw this when doing a random check of his phone, hit the roof and have banned his phone for Easter weekend and given him extra chores.

Long version:
DS (12) has struggled hugely with the transition from a tiny primary to big secondary school. He seems to be trying to be the big I am, the cool guy.

We are involved parents concerned about social media and we check his phone regularly. I am concerned about how he speaks to girls in messages- less respectful than he is with boys. He had a girlfriend for a short while but when they broke up he and his friends were name calling her (a play on her surname, eg her Surname is Bank…) she messaged him asking him to stop and he was unkind. I discovered the messages and made him apologise to her and he lost phone and gaming privileges for a week.

We visited these family friends a few weeks ago and the mum seemed to be “pushing DS and Lucy towards each other. Rather than leaving them to just be, it was “DS and Lucy, you go to the shop together, you both sit here to watch a film…” DS was mortified by this and kept saying afterwards I don’t want Lucy to think I like her in that way.

Lucy text DS yesterday with pictures of their holiday and DS response was “mate I don’t like you so don’t put kisses on messages “

I am hugely upset by this to think he could possibly think this is an acceptable way to speak to someone. Lucy is a very sweet very naive girl (suspect SEN) who would have been devastated to read this. Im hopeful i managed to delete the message before she saw it (no blue ticks) but I can’t be sure. I don’t know if I did the right thing by deleting I just wanted to spare her feelings.

when we confronted DS he just kept saying “I don’t want her to think I like her in that way”. We talked about men and women being friends, you can put kisses in messages and it doesn’t mean anything, but he was not as remorseful as we felt he should have been.

we go on holiday today and this has completely cast a shadow over it for me. Im terrified we are raising some kind of andrew Tate wannabe-despite us being the strictest parents ever around his phone and social media. Not to mention we are going away with friends whose kids will all have their phones so DS will be an absolute nightmare sulking about not having his but we feel we have to do something.

parenting a pre-teen is all new to us (DD is 9) and every other day I feel like we are getting it wrong.

Am I over reacting? under reacting? I haven’t slept in days (sick bug in house) and I just don’t know what to do any more.

Over-reacting. Say something, then let it go.

Do people really read all their 12 year old’s texts and then tell them off if they don’t like the tone of them?

My son is only 5 - I correct his tone, words, etc etc. I was hoping to have stopped by the time he turns 12.

So your son feeling uncomfortable with unwanted attention from a girl n asking her to stop is wrong as he is male and this is his fault he felt uncomfortable but if the table was turned and the girl sent this exact text to your son he would be looking n bother and in the wrong poor child must be mega confused and thinking his feelings and thoughts and not the relevant unless he gushing about every single girl he meets regardless of what he genuinely thinks n feels

Cause she is on mn and her son being male is not important and has a thoughts and feelings are irrelevant compared to Lucy many other girl her poor child may encounter

does your ds know you had this conversation with the other mum?
It might make him feel better knowing you were trying to help. If he'd known you were going to have a word perhaps he wouldn't have felt as though he had to shut it down himself?

I agree with you in that, as an adult, I would never pull someone up on using x's in messages as it would feel unnecessarily aggressive - would just ignore them. Obviously if it was one thing in a pattern of inappropriate behaviour I'd act differently but to react to just an x would seem an over-reaction. However that's with twenty odd years of experience of texting and adult interaction - it's not surprising a 12 year old got it slightly wrong.

The best way of avoiding him becoming an AT wannabe is to keep communication channels open and for him to feel like he can talk to you about things (as a pp said in a few years you won't be able to check his phone - tbh I wouldn't be surprised if the main thing he 'learns' from this isn't 'don't send rude messages' but 'don't send them via text/whatsapp - send them via snapchat where they auto delete') - not for him to feel as though the moment he makes a tiny mistake you'll come down on him like a ton of bricks.

Currently YOU are the female he knows best in his life so the best way to ensure he respects females is to ensure he respects you - part of that can be watching the way you and his dad if you're together interact, part can be showing him it's okay for adults to get things wrong by apologising to him for overreacting, part can be you explaining how people can get hurt by messages even if he didn't mean it to be that rude, etc.

But the first incident was dealt with. It’s irrelevant to this second (non) incident.

I don’t think you’re overreacting.

He got involved in bullying his ex girlfriend and was unnecessarily mean to Lucy.

Interesting that you said he’s different in the way he talks to girls.

I’d take his phone away tbh, he’s too immature for it.

Agree. He’s allowed to have boundaries and it seems you’ve allowed your friend/this other mother to ride roughshod over his. As a parent, realising he was uncomfortable with the forced ‘togetherness’, you should have spoken up and told your friend that DS didn’t like it and can she leave him be. If he and Lucy want to be friends they can work it out themselves.

I actually also think he was totally within his rights to state to Lucy that the XXXs made him uncomfortable and not to use it. 12yos are blunt/direct. Mine would have written it in that tone if they felt that no one else was going to speak up for them and they were being backed into a corner, even though it was rather terse. This situation is one of your and the other mother’s making. You were the adults and you OP should have had his back. He did not deserve to have his phone taken away or for any ‘consequences’ to be imposed - he deserved that you apologise for not recognising his discomfort and speaking to your friend to affirm the boundaries he is comfortable with.

Sorry, but you have let him down.

Boys of 12 are often not ready for girlfriends, but are pushed by peer pressure into these situations, they are trying to balance their embarrassment, with trying to be what is expected, this is a factor in the bad behaviour of him and his friend group. The girls are often more mature, but this girlfriend and boyfriend stuff should be discouraged.
Your friend trying to push her daughter towards him must be excruciating for him!
You are his parent, you should be protecting him! Imagine if it were the other way round, a parent pushing a boy onto an unwilling girl. Then the poor lad gets punished for trying to discourage the girl! He didn't abuse her or say she shouldn't text him, he was just rather blunt. I think you should have a word with yourself, for allowing the situation to continue.

You are making stuff up. Read the OP’s actual posts.

This is the issue with parents checking and policing messages between 12 year olds. We only had text messages when I was that age, but parents weren’t monitoring every interaction with things getting blown out of all proportion.

My DC know they can come to me with any issues they’re having online, but I would consider checking every message an invasion of privacy.

On this issue, your DS has tried to stand up for himself in a slightly clumsy way. Even adding “in that way” would’ve been better, but what the girl’s mum (and possibly her) are doing is inappropriate and they need to respect your DS’s wishes.

However, you have totally overreacted and I suspect he will be trying to hide his messages in future. He will also certainly not come to you with any issues he has online.

I don't understand all the posters saying you are overreacting and he is fine to send them. They are horrible and rude messages, I would be very upset too.

The other thing is I would say is think about how this would be handled the other way round.

Imagine if a boy and his mother were trying to force a relationship with a girl who had made clear she’s not interested.

I’m pretty sure people would say she’d be perfectly entitled to tell him to fuck off tbh!

I am going to go against the majority here because this isn't an isolated incident. You have other concerns about how he speaks to girls.

It doesn't sound like he has done anything truly awful yet but these things need nipping in the bud. I dont think there is anything wrong with taking his phone from him for a few days.

His message was rude and unnecessary. A kiss on a text message is in no way the same as an unwanted kiss in real life so all this talk of his boundaries is over the top.

He needs guiding at age 12 they are all lost at sea socially

@Winter42

Boundaries are relevant here though given that the girl and her mother are trying to create a relationship that the OP's DS doesn't want!

I think you are over-reacting, yes. He was impolite, but hardly an 'Andrew Tate wannabe'. Both he and Lucy sound a bit socially awkward, just like most 12-year-olds are! But he doesn't sound at all malicious. Advice about handling situations better, and some consequences when he's particularly rude or thoughtless, would be appropriate. But being 'devastated' and 'terrified' and making dire predictions about his future is likely to do more harm than good.

No one is forcing anything on him. Social situations are engineered all the time. If the girl asks him out he can just say no thanks. He can make his disinterest clear without saying 'i dont like you'. By 12 he is old enough to know that is hurtful.

A kiss on a text message is in no way the same as an unwanted kiss in real life so all this talk of his boundaries is over the top

Again, this is from the viewpoint of an adult and not a 12 year old child who has been placed in awkward situation.

I don’t put kisses on messages to people who are not close friends. I definitely do not put kisses on messages to male colleagues no matter how many years I have worked with them, nor my female friends’ partners.

Here we have a 12 year old boy, who felt pressured to spend time with this girl and was worried afterwards that she would get the wrong idea.
This was followed by a text from her with kisses.
My teens do not send messages with kisses to anyone so if they were to get one especially in this context then they would likely be a bit freaked out.

A boy of 12 should not be putting kisses on messages to girls unless he actually wants to kiss them. His phone reply was entirely correct. And talking about the way he treated another girl previously as his ex - he’s 12 years old for goodness sake they’re not dating.

If he'd said it verbally, you'd not have known. I understand the need to supervise online activity but we really can't police all their interactions and they're going to, and should, make mistakes as teens. Gosh I'm mortified to think of some of the things I said to friends and I also remember things that boys and girls said to me. It's a hard time. I would be more upset if he'd been personal or insulting or name calling.

I agree you are overreacting to this example but I don't agree it's fine for him to communicate in this way. Telling someone to not put kisses on a message is not "setting a boundary". It's setting a rule for someone else's behaviour. Not the same thing at all. And he's making a massive assumption about her feelings.

I would also be concerned about the pattern he's displaying in his communication with girls. But don't think restrictions and punishment is the way to go. It needs to be an open and ongoing conversation.

Out of interest, what male role models does he have around him? How do they communicate with the women around him? We assume all the influence is in his phone but what does he see at home, in other people's homes?

It's totally inappropriate for parents to be reading every message their DC send in my view.

An invasion of privacy and it also makes them more likely to hide things and less likely to come to you for support.

@ForAzureSeal

It is setting a boundary when the girl and her mother are trying to create a relationship her DS has made clear he doesn't want!

I see nothing wrong with what he said?