To be devastated by what DS has done or am I over-reacting?

[Acunningruse]

Short version: DS (12yo) sent a message to a family friend’s daughter (call her Lucy) saying “mate I don’t like you so don’t put kisses on messages”
😢 I saw this when doing a random check of his phone, hit the roof and have banned his phone for Easter weekend and given him extra chores.

Long version:
DS (12) has struggled hugely with the transition from a tiny primary to big secondary school. He seems to be trying to be the big I am, the cool guy.

We are involved parents concerned about social media and we check his phone regularly. I am concerned about how he speaks to girls in messages- less respectful than he is with boys. He had a girlfriend for a short while but when they broke up he and his friends were name calling her (a play on her surname, eg her Surname is Bank…) she messaged him asking him to stop and he was unkind. I discovered the messages and made him apologise to her and he lost phone and gaming privileges for a week.

We visited these family friends a few weeks ago and the mum seemed to be “pushing DS and Lucy towards each other. Rather than leaving them to just be, it was “DS and Lucy, you go to the shop together, you both sit here to watch a film…” DS was mortified by this and kept saying afterwards I don’t want Lucy to think I like her in that way.

Lucy text DS yesterday with pictures of their holiday and DS response was “mate I don’t like you so don’t put kisses on messages “

I am hugely upset by this to think he could possibly think this is an acceptable way to speak to someone. Lucy is a very sweet very naive girl (suspect SEN) who would have been devastated to read this. Im hopeful i managed to delete the message before she saw it (no blue ticks) but I can’t be sure. I don’t know if I did the right thing by deleting I just wanted to spare her feelings.

when we confronted DS he just kept saying “I don’t want her to think I like her in that way”. We talked about men and women being friends, you can put kisses in messages and it doesn’t mean anything, but he was not as remorseful as we felt he should have been.

we go on holiday today and this has completely cast a shadow over it for me. Im terrified we are raising some kind of andrew Tate wannabe-despite us being the strictest parents ever around his phone and social media. Not to mention we are going away with friends whose kids will all have their phones so DS will be an absolute nightmare sulking about not having his but we feel we have to do something.

parenting a pre-teen is all new to us (DD is 9) and every other day I feel like we are getting it wrong.

Am I over reacting? under reacting? I haven’t slept in days (sick bug in house) and I just don’t know what to do any more.

He's 12! Why would your friend encourage someone sort of relationship between her own underage child and your son?

He sounds like a bit of a dick with a hugely overinflated ego tbh. And incredibly immature.

Girlfriends at 12? These are all people's daughters. I'm so glad my daughter's have had the sense to stay away from idiots like this.

I think you need to do more than take his phone away, you need to have a serious talk with your son.

He’s only 12 so I’m not judging him too harshly but the fact you can’t see what’s wrong with that is actually a sobering thing about where society has let “ boundary asserting” lead us. Boundaries are fine; rude isn’t. I mean he hasn’t even said “please don’t.”

You seem determined to see your son as a villan OP. You should have helped your son when you noticed your friend trying to play matchmaker, then he wouldn't have had to be so direct to Lucy. He is allowed boundaries.

What exactly did he say to his ex that was unkind?

OP wants to save face for her friendship. Disgusting how that mother forced Lucy on to her son but Op stood, watched and did nothing about.

poor DS had to assert his own boundaries when his mother failed to do that. And even now all she cares about is how she looks to her friend rather than praising DS for standing up for himself.

Why didn’t you step in when the other mum was pushing him & Lucy together?? Maybe he needs your help in making a boundary beforehand. You sound a bit people pleaserish.. also I note you don’t mention your husband much in the post… he should be centre place!

You sound a lot of too much.

He's 12 and is learning his way in the world. You said yourself, he found the transition to secondary tough, and he's dealing with a lot. To me, none of his behaviour sounds especially ridiculous. It sounds just like very typical 12yo pre-teen boy.
Your gut reaction to freak out and over-punish probably isn't the right one. Chill a bit and talk to him. Keep talking.

I wouldn't be too concerned about "the girlfriend". Let's be honest, this is kids playing at relationships. Nothing serious.

I think you are right to point it out to him. Of course he will be defensive but it is by having these difficult conversations that you will manage to avoid raising a mini Andrew Tate! My son is 17 and beginning to be more thoughtful about how he treats girls/women. Keep going!

I don't think you're overreacting. I've not parented a 12 year old yet but I don't care whether you're a child or an adult - you should not be rude to people or nasty/name calling. If he's not mature enough to use phone without using it to be rude or nasty then he's not mature enough to have a phone.

But you should probably get advice from a more reputable source.

YANBU This sort of behaviour can lead to far worse things inc. gang related stuff, if it’s not dealt with firmly.

My son’s best friend from Primary school (S) went through a nasty show off phase around 13/14 yrs old and became DS’s biggest bully. Because they used to be best friends and we were good friends with the whole family it took almost a year of nasty bullying before DS admitted to me who the culprit was.

I was absolutely horrified (we’d treated this boy like our own during the primary years with treats and days out etc.) and went and spoke to the mum and she stepped in and sorted it. S will be civil with my DS but they’re no longer buddies.

so your upset that he didn’t send the message how you would have sent it.
perhaps he was annoyed with this person xxx every message and told them. Good on him for not stringing the person along

Devastated is a bit OTT. No one died. You need to be less dramatic and examine his motivations before overreacting. You will find the next few years extremely hard if you behave like this. He needs guidance from you or he will shut you out if you continue in this vein.

Your son has a right to set boundaries!

So you're a people pleaser and want to raise another constipated people pleaser, unable to say no or assert his boundaries clearly.

And also doesn't matter what he thinks, he needs to act like a support human for this 'sweet, shy, little Lucy, who is not coping well' and whom he doesn't like.

Would you say the same to your daughter? Awww, lil Johnny is sad, go cheer him up, so what if you don't like kisses in his texts, he's just being sweet, don't be so mean to him?

I have a 12 year old girl, soon 13. I teach her to assert herself clearly, set boundaries, don't 'shake&cry', don't be a shrinking wallflower and fuck 'be kind' and their feelings. She doesn't owe anyone anything.

If a boy sent her this, she wouldn't be phased, but if I saw it, I'd say good for him. I hate that stupid British going around in circles, beating about the bushes, coy cutesy euphemisms and not managing to express themselves clearly and saying what they actually mean. Thinking someone is a tool, but being all smiley and saccharine to their face. It's hypocrisy and the opposite of being (genuinely) kind.

This is yet more evidence why children of 12 years old should not have mobile phones. They just aren't yet emotionally mature enough to be able to articulate their feelings and opinions, least of all by mobile phones, nor to understand the repercussions of "saying it like it is".

Over reaction. Both mums forcing a friendship which isn't what he wants. He is matter of fact, be doesn't want to be her friend. I think considering how much you and the girls mum are pushing them together, be had no choice but to be blunt.

It's not that bad. He was trying to be clear with this girl, and called her 'mate' which is friendly. He needs to know that people nowadays scatter kisses over their messages to almost anyone, but calling his message 'disrespectful' is harsh.
And what's with the family trying to make him and this girl do things together when they meet? Wouldn't you get a bit paranoid being sent out to the shops or to watch a film with a member of the opposite sex when there was no need for it?

I think that you need a honest talk with ds because if I was his mum, I’d want to know if “I don’t like you” means “I don’t fancy you” or if he is texting her because you and Lucy’s mum created a situation where he has to text Lucy to keep you off his back.

If it’s the first then he should have phrased it differently but if he’s trying to get out of an obligation that you and Lucy’s mum created then he should have spoken to you so that you could undo the damage.

How to end friendships is a topic that I’ve seen on here. For example is it kinder to ghost or slow fade? In ds case, your friendship with Lucy’s mum means that he couldn’t ghost or end the forced friendship before he gave Lucy false hope that this was a potential genuine friendship. Your pity for Lucy created what sounds like an awkward obligation for your Ds and it will be messy undoing it because Lucy has been duped into thinking that Ds is her friend. You need to undo things before Ds has enough and blows everything up. You can’t use your Ds to keep your friendship with Lucy’s mum. He is old enough to choose friendships and the less pressure applied, the more likely he is to be polite.

Assuming he meant 'I don't like you in that way' then he wasn't wrong to set a boundary but did it in a horrible 12 year old boy way. I wouldn't come down on him too hard for the intention but the execution was horrible and he needs some help to think about how to communicate and set a boundary with people.

I think you were majorly over reacting in this situation, but given the background you were right to overreact slightly. In this situation it really doesn’t seem like its anything bad? He doesn’t want her sending X to him, which tbh has a different meaning when its two people of the opposite sex texting. I think a firm talk should have happened , but ruining your whole holiday? I wonder if your DS feels like you and lucys mum have been pushing the friendship with lucy on to him.

One tech-free week for bullying his ex-girlfriend (edit: they’re twelve. I’m not quite sure if girlfriend is the right word…) with his mates was incredibly lenient imo.

but punishing him for telling somebody to stop sending him kisses? I honestly don’t understand this.

Her mother was clearly being inappropriate and he felt like he had to put up a boundary.

He wasn’t particularly rude or unkind. He simply told her that he didn’t like her (I am assuming this is teen speak for not liking her in “that way” / not “fancying” her / having no romantic intentions etc) and that she therefore shouldn’t send him kisses.

You owe your son an apology. Whilst he was blunt and you can have a conversation about communication styles, he's entitled to have this boundary.

''I'm a over reacting?'' Just a tad...

All this. All the boy has learned from this situation and extremely OTT punishment is that he’s not allowed to have boundaries or preferences.

Gang related stuff?! For sending a text saying he doesn’t want her to write kisses? That is hilarious 🤣

He's trying to be a grown up and navigate situations/ fit in with the crowd, without knowing what being a grown up actually entails. So I would be teaching him ways to communicate and deal with emotions in a more grown up way. Maybe just giving him some tactful phrases to use in awkward situations would help.