To be devastated by what DS has done or am I over-reacting?

[Acunningruse]

Short version: DS (12yo) sent a message to a family friend’s daughter (call her Lucy) saying “mate I don’t like you so don’t put kisses on messages”
😢 I saw this when doing a random check of his phone, hit the roof and have banned his phone for Easter weekend and given him extra chores.

Long version:
DS (12) has struggled hugely with the transition from a tiny primary to big secondary school. He seems to be trying to be the big I am, the cool guy.

We are involved parents concerned about social media and we check his phone regularly. I am concerned about how he speaks to girls in messages- less respectful than he is with boys. He had a girlfriend for a short while but when they broke up he and his friends were name calling her (a play on her surname, eg her Surname is Bank…) she messaged him asking him to stop and he was unkind. I discovered the messages and made him apologise to her and he lost phone and gaming privileges for a week.

We visited these family friends a few weeks ago and the mum seemed to be “pushing DS and Lucy towards each other. Rather than leaving them to just be, it was “DS and Lucy, you go to the shop together, you both sit here to watch a film…” DS was mortified by this and kept saying afterwards I don’t want Lucy to think I like her in that way.

Lucy text DS yesterday with pictures of their holiday and DS response was “mate I don’t like you so don’t put kisses on messages “

I am hugely upset by this to think he could possibly think this is an acceptable way to speak to someone. Lucy is a very sweet very naive girl (suspect SEN) who would have been devastated to read this. Im hopeful i managed to delete the message before she saw it (no blue ticks) but I can’t be sure. I don’t know if I did the right thing by deleting I just wanted to spare her feelings.

when we confronted DS he just kept saying “I don’t want her to think I like her in that way”. We talked about men and women being friends, you can put kisses in messages and it doesn’t mean anything, but he was not as remorseful as we felt he should have been.

we go on holiday today and this has completely cast a shadow over it for me. Im terrified we are raising some kind of andrew Tate wannabe-despite us being the strictest parents ever around his phone and social media. Not to mention we are going away with friends whose kids will all have their phones so DS will be an absolute nightmare sulking about not having his but we feel we have to do something.

parenting a pre-teen is all new to us (DD is 9) and every other day I feel like we are getting it wrong.

Am I over reacting? under reacting? I haven’t slept in days (sick bug in house) and I just don’t know what to do any more.

Yup agree.

I think your hugely projecting tbh. I have children the same age. It's a shame your child didn't have a conversation about how the text made him feel first.
Having a phone and learning how to communicate via text is a skill in it self. I've have to pick both my kids up on "phone etiquette " that's something they are still learning. If your too strick, it becomes counter productive. You want your child to be able to talk to you and explore and work out how to communicate effectively via the phone.
Presuming he's becoming some some deranged pre teen isn't the way to help him learn this (if you don't mind me saying)

OP, well done for keeping an eye on what your child is doing with his phone. Definitely have a conversation with him about how he can be a bit more respectful and polite.

As the mum of a 12 year old DD, it’s becoming increasingly clear to me that there are far too many parents out there that have no clue what their precious darlings get up to with their devices.

The way a lot of the boys at my daughter’s school talk to and treat girls is shocking and absolutely vile.

You're being absolutely bloody ridiculous.
His delivery was a bit blunt, but he hasn't done anything wrong.
And, you've punished him for this?! Jesus wept...
I'd be less concerned about sweet little Lucy and more concerned about what message you're giving your son around some random girls' feelings being more important than his feelings and boundaries.

This is my thought exactly.
Complete over reaction - “cast a shadow” over your holiday. Really?

He is 12, and you have a few years of him finding out about the world and navigating all sorts of situations around peer groups, behaviours, emotions and relationships
.
This is TINY compared to the next few years and if it’s already provoking this reaction you will need to toughen up a bit. Sorry if that’s harsh. You are not raising an Andrew Tate.

Yes, he wasn’t as polite as he should be , tell him that, give some advice about respectful friendships and move on. Adolescent boys need your unconditional support, and love and it is your job to guide him to be in the wider world.

This is crazy. He’s clearly uncomfortable and is setting a boundary but you are punishing for it?
If it was the other way round, and the girl sent that message people would be cheering her for standing up for herself. Cut him some slack jheez.

He had a girlfriend for a short while but when they broke up he and his friends were name calling her (a play on her surname, eg her Surname is Bank…) she messaged him asking him to stop and he was unkind.
What did he say that was unkind? I think how he treated that girl is more concerning.
Plus you saying I am concerned about how he speaks to girls in messages- less respectful than he is with boys.

You are massively overreacting.

Teens don’t put X on the end of messages like adults do. If his friends saw messages from a girl ending with X then they’d assume that he was dating her so your son is totally reasonable to feel uncomfortable with the X. He could have asked a bit more politely but he’s not wrong to not like it. It is sad that Lucy has friendship issues but it sounds like your son is politely texting with her which is as polite as he needs to be.

The other mum pushing Lucy and your son together is very unreasonable. You should have said no to your friend and helped him out of that situation if that friendship is important to you so that you could do it gently. It would make your friend’s life easier if her dd had a friend but you can’t out 2 random kids together and make them friends. Polite texting like your son is doing, is a fair result and tbh I would be wondering if he’s doing it to keep you happy.

The being nicer to boys is possibly an issue but playing devil’s advocate, could also be a lack of practice because he only texts girls he’s dating so doesn’t have as much practice texting female friends. Fewer female friends may mean his unconsciously formal tone comes across as cold or blunt.

Your son put “mate” in his text. I wonder if he’s worried that she’s more keen about the friendship and could fancy him and that’s why the mum pushes them together so much. As he’s so young he probably doesn’t have enough experience to let her know gently that he’s not interested in anything romantic ever happening. If his next gf looked at his phone and saw a girl their age sending X in a message then she may think wtf too.

I'm surprised people are thinking this is fine.
He had a girlfriend for a short while but when they broke up he and his friends were name calling her (a play on her surname, eg her Surname is Bank…) she messaged him asking him to stop and he was unkind
I don't. You can see why some boys are as they are when parents downplay this sort of thing. Well done for not downplaying it and for caring OP

Are you seriously suggesting your 12 year old is going to become like Andrew Tate because he said don't put kisses on your messages to me? Your son wasn't tactful and now it's cast a shadow over the holiday? And you want to make it worse by taking his phone away when he's with others who will have their phones?
I think you've overreacted massively. His crime was not being tactful but he's 12 not 21. I would have talked to him about being more considerate of others feelings and that he should be mindful that he might upset people but he's allowed to say no kisses on messages.
I wouldn't take his phone away for that. All you're doing is encouraging him to delete his messages before you see them. I really don't think what he did warrants your huge overreaction.

Thanks for proving my point 😉

Disagree with this. There is absolutely no need to tell somebody that you do not like them unless they have hurt you somehow.

OP needs to have a gentle word with her son about putting his feelings over appropriately.

Its tricky as he may have picked up on her liking him and feel awkward about it with them being forced to spend time together.
If my daughter sent that to a boy I don't think I'd really have an issue with it, if the boy was very sensitive I may have said to word it differently like "don't put kisses if my friends see that they're gonna think you fancy me when we're just friends"
But equally as long as he's generally kind to her its one slightly awkward interaction about something that's making him feel awkward.

I agree. It's depressing how people make excuses for boys being unkind. If it was a girl they'd be saying she was a bitch. The name calling of his ex girlfriend by him and his mates and then being unkind when she asked him to stop was horrible and OP is right to take it seriously

I hope you’ve decided not to take his phone away OP as you say it will make him the odd one out and it’s what kids do and how they communicate.
Just talk to him sensibly as others have said, but punishment no … twelve years really is not long to acquire life skills, we are all still learning.

I think your extreme reaction to seeing those messages is a bit OTT, however you’re not wrong in wanting to deal with the tone and how he communicates with other people on WhatsApp in the future.

If it makes you feel any better, I regularly check my DD’s (12) whatsapp messages and the way the kids all talk to each is very blunt and to the point, often verging on rude. And sending kisses to members of the opposite sex is a huge no no- my dd accidentally added them to the end of a message to a boy she knows and this boy went on and on about it for weeks, and even though she clocked she’d done it quickly and edited it immediately, he’d got a screen shot and then kept showing his friends so she’s been teased a bit about it.

I think your ds needs guidance about how to kindly deal with difficult situations, and he was very unkind towards his ex girlfriend, but don’t panic just yet. He’s still so young and learning to deal with situations he’s uncomfortable with as well as navigating online conversations and all the pressures with friends and school. It’s a lot. So now’s the time to sit down with him and talk about how he would feel if he received the messages he’s sent to others, and how he can improve his wording in the future so that he gets his message across but in an inoffensive way.

Your son saw how Lucy's Mum was pushing him and her daughter together, and wasn't impressed. You stated this yourself. Did you do anything to stop this, when you saw it happening and your son's reaction? Your son decided to take matters into his own hands, when he saw Lucy's message and kisses. To a 12 year old, a girl putting kisses at the end of a message, would be significant and in his mind showed 'she liked him more than friends'. He very clumsily tried to put boundaries in place with her, so she wouldn't assume he liked her more than friends. Yes, it did read as 'I don't like you' full stop rather than 'I don't fancy you, but like you as a friend'. It may be he does like her as friend, rather than completely dislikes her. You need to teach him some tact, in how to respond in such situations. Tell him, if you really aren't sure, ask me, and I will help you. Unfortunately, yes, if Lucy did read the message, she's probably upset, especially if she didn't mean anything by the kisses, but equally if she did, she knows rather bluntly where she stands. I can understand why you're upset at your son, as he was too blunt, but at 12, he's going to be! Look at what you could have done differently, when you saw the Mum trying to push her daughter onto your son too.

you need to start your own thread.

You hit the roof? Your ds was firm but fair to Lucy. If Lucy has sen is irrelevant and the kisses were clearly making your Ds uncomfortable. You should be proud that he can speak up for himself

A “bit” 😂

That bit wasn’t fine and was dealt with.

the other message is different and it is far more a learning experience for parent and child about how best to handle these situations when someone else is making you feel uncomfortable because they like you. He has a right to have a boundary but yes he could have done it nicer. Being a people pleaser and always allowing boundaries to be eroded.

i remember at 16 a boy really liked me and followed me around and I was quite brutal because it made me feel uncomfortable. Now my daughter is the same age I reflected on whether I should have handled it differently was there a better way rather than a blunt direct approach. And I found it hard to answer. I wanted to have a way that I was more sensitive (and certainly that is something I could have been) but at the same time he made me feel uncomfortable and previous polite ways hadn’t worked.

we should neither make excuses for boys being unkind but neither should we go the other way and allow them to have boundaries

Massive overreaction, OP. He’s being clear and honest with her, if a bit blunt. But there’s nothing wrong with what he wrote.

I do think you overreacted. But I am surprised people are “pushing” their 12yr olds together like you said your friend did. Are people really doing this with preteens? My DD is 12, nowhere near having a relationship and I can’t imagine trying to encourage her to cosy up with some lad 😵‍💫

'mate I don’t like you so don’t put kisses on messages”

I cannot see anything wrong in sending that.

You are insanse.

One of my close friends did it with her DD and DS when they were both around 13. I thought it was because her DD was very spoiled and PFB and wanted to be with my DS because he is so awesome (yes I know) and DS did sort of go out with her for a bit in a LDR.
When they broke up the official story was she dumped him and my friend was very apologetic and tried to manouvre them back together while I stayed out of it.
DS told me a year later that the girl was thought she was probably a lesbian and DS was helping her get her mum off her back.