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AIBU?

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Original poster

To regret moving DP in to my house

591 replies

JadeySmiles · 17/04/2025 22:30

Hi all, the previous topic isn’t accepting new posts so I thought I’d update here.

We have had the conversation about split of
chores, DP said he can chip in ‘as and when needed’ but he didn’t have a suggested split as I hoped which was frustrating.

He says he feels a bit awkward with getting stuck in given he doesn’t own the house and thinks he will be more comfortable once he is on the Mortgage and asked me when that will be. I said I want to wait and see how things go over the next few months as we get used to living with each other.

He was a bit funny with this and suggested I’m backtracking on an agreement. But we didn’t ever set a timeline. He says his Mum has
told him the funds she/his Dad are gifting are currently in a low paying interest account and if he doesn’t take them soon they’ll fix them for a year so he needs to hurry up if he wants them.

I said this doesn’t change my feelings and we need to see how things go. He seems to be sulking now and has been on his games console in the spare bedroom since dinner, which he criticised and said he’s getting fed up with the same vegan meals. I told him he’s welcome to cook for us tomorrow!!

OP posts:
MadeInGrimsby · 18/04/2025 07:28

MeAndMyGhost · 18/04/2025 04:12

Come on OP this is your second thread about this guy/situation and the feedback has been unanimous.

What are you going to do about it?

This ⬆️. Please listen to the good sense on here.

Namechangedforspooky · 18/04/2025 07:28

Honestly dump him. Been there, done that , got the divorce.
i wish I’d listened to other people. I’m so much happier second time round and I never have to ask DH to pull his weight.
Trust me, you will find someone way better. It shouldn’t be this difficult at this stage.
Good luck!

MadeInGrimsby · 18/04/2025 07:29

It's going to sound corny, but please work on your self esteem. Why would you let a man treat you like this?

FlakyCritic · 18/04/2025 07:30

Christ, you really are dick-matised, aren't you OP? Wake up! He never had - any - intention of doing any housework! This is at 2 months? He should be impressing the socks off you, not sulking or playing on his game thing! Will you wake the f up and throw him in the gutter where he belongs. You are literally brainwashed by this worthless pos! Or utterly desperate for a f*ck. Or both.

Isthisit22 · 18/04/2025 07:30

Sorry but this is a troll. No one could be this desperate. Reported

Sandunesandseashells · 18/04/2025 07:30

You’ll have to be more firm?? So you are nowhere near the end of this? You are careering towards a parent/child relationship and one in which as the ‘parent’ you will be permanently disappointed with your lazy ‘child’.
It will be like living with a teenager forever.

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 18/04/2025 07:32

JadeySmiles · 18/04/2025 07:13

Sorry forgot to add - I have met his Mum, she is really caring and supportive. She can be a bit OTT sometimes, but it comes from a good place.

Caring and supportive to whom ? She’s already taught him that housework is a womans’ responsibility, so you can thank her for what’s happening now. Trust me, if the shit ever hit the fan, the ‘support’ would be for her baby boy, not you.

Santasbigredbobblehat · 18/04/2025 07:33

He won’t get better. Why would he?

TiredCatLady · 18/04/2025 07:33

@JadeySmiles I urge you to read up on lovebombing/abusive relationship dynamics.

What you’ve written about how amazing he apparently was and you’re compatible in every way… then the absolutely shitty way he’s behaved once he’s got his foot in the door, is the abusers playbook.

DARVO

He’s been pulled up on not cleaning. It’s a woman’s problem (can’t possibly be his fault), then he fucks off the football instead of talking to you (that’s him punishing you, making you wait on him). Then when you do talk, he’s putting it back on you. You need to make a list (he’s making this about you not him). Then he’s complaining about the food (that’s a direct dig at you). And he’s fucked off gaming in the spare room (so you can think about what you’ve done - he’s making you the bad guy).

He's a malignant toad.

Throw him out. Do it today.

ThisFluentBiscuit · 18/04/2025 07:34

Welcome to your uphill battle, OP! The talk did not result in him seeing that doing chores equally is the fair thing, only that he'll "chip in as and when." Men like this NEVER change.

And in addition, even though he's proven how little respect he has for you, he wants to be put on the mortgage!! And then he'll do more chores!!! And if he doesn't, what then?

It's really disappointing when an issue like this crops up in an otherwise promising relationship. You weren't to know he was a secret Neanderthal.

FlakyCritic · 18/04/2025 07:35

JadeySmiles · 18/04/2025 07:13

Sorry forgot to add - I have met his Mum, she is really caring and supportive. She can be a bit OTT sometimes, but it comes from a good place.

Of course she is really supportive. She no longer has to clean his house, laundry etc.

Her shifts are over. She's happy he's moved in with you, because now she's free. You're her replacement. And she's grinning from ear to ear. She has never taught him to clean or do laundry, so she knows he won't be doing housework at yours. Why do you think she is so supportive of this?

Gimpee · 18/04/2025 07:35

We have all replied as we have been in same situation only few months in rose tinted glasses
We don't want to see faults think things will change for better but 99% of times it gets worse. My partner like yours nearly broke me I am in better place but deep down the damage he done will never mend

ShouldIEvenBother · 18/04/2025 07:35

Isthisit22 · 18/04/2025 07:30

Sorry but this is a troll. No one could be this desperate. Reported

Yeah I'm starting to think the same tbh. It reminds me of the 4-part thread a few weeks back that ended up getting deleted...

Remona · 18/04/2025 07:38

Why not go the whole hog and just sign your house and its contents over to him now?

This is about a whole lot more than a bloody housework rota.

You put him on the mortgage and I’ll give it six months before you split up and you lose the house or have to buy him out to keep it.

If you don’t get rid of this lazy, dirty, manipulative twat, you’re an absolute fool.

Zonder · 18/04/2025 07:41

@JadeySmiles please listen to what people are saying. Even now you are going to have to mother him to get him to do any chores, and it won't last. If you go on to have children with him you will be the one carrying everything and getting upset because you have to ask him to do any little job to help you, rather than him seeing it as a partnership.

He really has shown you his deep rooted belief that household stuff is a woman's job, as learnt from his mum.

Gimpee · 18/04/2025 07:48

I wish I had got this support when I met my husband. When he was violent he convinced me that it was my fault I got beaten told me I was fat lazy and ugly every morning used to joke with sons alarm call, he hardly worked

Newmumhere40 · 18/04/2025 07:48

JadeySmiles · 18/04/2025 07:11

Thanks for all the replies, I’ve read back. Had a awful nights sleep thinking about what to do next, I really don’t want to but I think I’m going to need to approach him with a list/split today and if he outright refuses then I’ll have to be even more firm.

I appreciate all the advice re. Mortgage and can assure you that he won’t be added to this until we’re in a good place and he is pulling his weight. I will look after myself in that regard as it is my home and I’d never want to lose it.

It’s hard because DP has always been such a caring and supportive partner, we had the best times before he moved in, and we’re compatible in every area. He is the only man I’ve ever imagined being able to have babies with and I just want him to be on a similar page as me with the house work.

What areas are you compatible in? You both have fun when you go out, you both like to travel..bla bla bla.

This thread screams that in fact no, you are not compatible at all.

Did you think that 2 months after him moving in that he'd be complaining about the food that YOU are cooking for HIM. Did you think you'd be cleaning the toilet after him? Did you think you'd be making a fucking cleaning rota for him!?!

Are you not MASSIVELY disappointed???

What are you worried about? That there are no decent men out there? There are. You have just not met one in this absolute dick head.

LadyLolaRuben · 18/04/2025 07:54

Keep us posted OP. Sounds like you're keeping a level head. However, i think you're being optimistic about his response to sharing life's responsibilities. Hope you get some rest after a difficult night but this all may come to a head this weekend

Gimpee · 18/04/2025 07:55

He also shows if he doesn't get his way he sulks rather than change his attitude and work with you. The damage it does to any children is immense they need loving stable environment where the parents show respect to each other and are supportive.

Rooroobear · 18/04/2025 07:58

Your updates are worse than the original thread. Know your worth, he is telling you what he thinks your worth so listen and get rid. He wants to be on your mortgage?? Which you worked hard to get and he moves in for a couple of months and wants to be on?? Serious cocklodger, who does nothing, loans like a baby but wants half your house. Listen to the advice before you get in deeper. He will not change

DorothyStorm · 18/04/2025 07:59

Is him asking you to make a list of his chores not making you feel like his mummy?

and he has also already said the reason he isnt doing them is because he doesn't feel he should have to. Why will you writing a list make a difference?

Autumnnow · 18/04/2025 08:00

I can't believe how nasty a few of the contributors are being to you, when you're obviously a decent person, looking for advice in a situation you're finding difficult and hurtful. So much for the sisterhood.

However this man who may have been a great boyfriend will never be a good partner, he doesn't understand what that means. He's been brought up as a spoilt boy whose mummy has done everything for him including cleaning his crap from the loo. And good news, he's found someone else to take over and she won't have to do it any more, that's your job now! No wonder she's keen to hand him over to you!

It matters not one bit whose name is on the mortgage, two people live in the house so two people divide the chores, if you were renting a flat together, that should still be the status quo, so I think the "well I don't own it" is a red herring he will never share the load, regardless of ownership.

As for the sulking when his new mummy tells him he needs to shape up, well that's a whole new big red flag. Does he know how to cook? Not just his mummy taught him how to open a tin, proper ever day meals?

The good thing is that he's shown his true colours before you're tied into a thankless partnership and joint ownership with a spoilt and selfish manchild.

Good luck.

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 18/04/2025 08:03

FlakyCritic · 18/04/2025 07:35

Of course she is really supportive. She no longer has to clean his house, laundry etc.

Her shifts are over. She's happy he's moved in with you, because now she's free. You're her replacement. And she's grinning from ear to ear. She has never taught him to clean or do laundry, so she knows he won't be doing housework at yours. Why do you think she is so supportive of this?

Edited
Show quote history

Hard agree, it couldn’t be any clearer. OP you need to take note of this. He is the end product of her parenting and the rod will pass from her back to yours.

Gimpee · 18/04/2025 08:04

Who on this chat would ask to be put on mortgage after two months and refuse to do housework until you are? Still confused about deposit money the mum is giving him they don't need deposit if already have house. She never mentions her parents vulnerable without parents like tigers picking off the young when no parental support

SoOxon · 18/04/2025 08:09

lola006 · 17/04/2025 22:57

As if he’ll do chores once a he’s on the mortgage. This isn’t asking him to pay to renovate a kitchen, it’s his own shit in the toilet bowl! And yet you’re worried about him dumping you?! DUMP HIM.

I told the gist of the original thread to my 17 year old DS earlier, who does way more in our house than your DP, and he thought it was a wind up. So either this is a wind up, or as others have said you’ll be back here in a few years with a couple of babies complaining about your useless husband. Or leave him and find someone better.

@lola006 ! Your perspicacious son has seen through this rage bait.
It’s beyond vexing, offering the OP the benefit of shortcuts only to ‘ting’
realise its not a viable post :
no one of 32 who has been in a house/mortgage situation would
put him on the mortgage
We are in the school/college holiday weeks too of course.