To regret moving DP in to my house

[JadeySmiles]

Hi all, the previous topic isn’t accepting new posts so I thought I’d update here.

We have had the conversation about split of
chores, DP said he can chip in ‘as and when needed’ but he didn’t have a suggested split as I hoped which was frustrating.

He says he feels a bit awkward with getting stuck in given he doesn’t own the house and thinks he will be more comfortable once he is on the Mortgage and asked me when that will be. I said I want to wait and see how things go over the next few months as we get used to living with each other.

He was a bit funny with this and suggested I’m backtracking on an agreement. But we didn’t ever set a timeline. He says his Mum has
told him the funds she/his Dad are gifting are currently in a low paying interest account and if he doesn’t take them soon they’ll fix them for a year so he needs to hurry up if he wants them.

I said this doesn’t change my feelings and we need to see how things go. He seems to be sulking now and has been on his games console in the spare bedroom since dinner, which he criticised and said he’s getting fed up with the same vegan meals. I told him he’s welcome to cook for us tomorrow!!

Let's face it she is worried about approaching him on doing housework it his how conversive control works no normal person let's someone move in within months and no normal person would want too

If you were my daughter I would strongly advise you to dump him . He is not right for you !

It seems our advice isn't getting through. OP making a list of chores is still HER taking charge of the chores and putting him in the child role. (Besides, he obviously won't do them because there will be pub/football/computer games etc that are far more important.) The longer he lives there, the more entitled he will feel and the more downtrodden and exhausted OP will be. It does not bode well.

@JadeySmileskm afraid you won’t ever be in a good place with this one. He is trying to blackmail you to get on your mortgage by doing no housework until you add him - with money his mummy and daddy give him. He’s a man child - avoid like the plague save yourself the future heartbreak and nip it in the bud now.

I feel for you, @JadeySmiles - you are trying your hardest to make this work. But three things I would want to say to you:

You’re heading into sunk cost fallacy territory here. Trying to make the best of a bad situation so as not to ‘waste’ the time you’ve been with him.

He can be a better boyfriend than he is a live-in partner. You’re not compatible in the important areas that keep a shared household running; only on the ‘fun stuff’.

Every day you spend trying to change this one is a day wasted in being free to find someone who is better.

I know it’s upsetting to think that this relationship, which seemed promising, now doesn’t look that way. The thought of splitting up is miserable. But it has to be better than six months down the line when you’re still cleaning his shit off YOUR toilet while he swans off to football.

I’d take the short term sadness and split up, personally. The one thing I would not do is dangle any thought of him going on the mortgage. No. Off the table. Not ‘maybe in a year’. Not ever. Protect yourself.

It gets to the point of beyond ridiculous.

OP - it seems you’re at a stage where you aren’t ready to see the reality of who this manchild really is and you just want reassurance that you can force him to change and be someone he’s not - you can’t and he won’t. This is who he is - a spoilt lazy entitled sexist who thinks women are on the earth to service his needs.

Rarely have I seen a thread where the responses are so unanimous but the OP just isn’t hearing what’s being said.

He’s shown he’s probably a great bf for a bit of short term fun but he’s a useless partner to build a future with.

You say he’s younger than you - maybe he’s just not got the maturity for a proper adult relationship. Don’t waste your best years on him

@JadeySmiles
whether he does chores or doesn’t do chores
whether his mum gives him money or not
whether living together flourishes or flounders

…. do not put him on the mortgage EVER (not just ‘I won’t put him on the mortgage “at the moment” / “until things pick up”)

why would you give this man thousands of pounds of what is yours? Why would you knowingly put yourself in a situation where he could force you to sell and lose your home?

whenever you mention adding him to the mortgage, I feel nervous.

No, the relationship wouldn't continue in those circumstances. You need to make it clear that in any event it can't work if he thinks you are there to be his servant, therefore it needs to be a 50/50 split in terms of work. If he won't commit to that, you need to dump him because there's no future in it.

'Get stuck in' ???

To what? Have you asked him to put a new roof on? Or does he think as he just lives there you're a sort of mum/landlady figure?

Made himself comfortable hasn't he? He won't get better when his names on the mortgage, why should he...?

@iseethembloom

”…whenever you mention adding him to the mortgage, I feel nervous.”

Me too. I feel op will capitulate as dp is blackmailing her. “You put me on the mortgage and then I will ‘help’ out’ “, (with deliberate use of the word ‘help’, rather than ‘do my fair share’, as we all know that the situation won’t change).

Dp should be proving himself now!

If mummy and daddy have got savings for a deposit, then maybe he should go and buy his own flat, and she can move in with him (rent her place out), and be waitered on hand and foot.

I know he’s probably just going to laugh when I show him a rota. When I mentioned this previously (admittedly he was a bit tipsy) all he said was ‘what about a blow job rota’ 🙄

We are meeting friends for a walk in a bit and I’m dreading them asking how it’s going.

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST are you trolling us now?!!!

Very strong likelihood that once he has his feet under the table, flips a duster around and hoovers every once in a while, and you are wholly bound up with him on the mortgage and pregnant he will revert to doing sweet FA in the house as well as you being forced to save for your mat leave to cover your expenses during your "holiday from work."

He was embarrassed enough at his domestic ineptitude to lie to you about it and claim he cleaned his own place on a Friday afternoon when it was his mum all along. Now he's living with you, he has no interest in doing a rota. That's fine once he's got into it and does stuff off his own bat without needing to be asked but he's a long way off that. You already fell at the first hurdle when he didn't do the washing up and you did it instead because you didn't want it hanging around. That's how they get you.

You’re an absolute fucking moron and I’m starting to believe this isn’t real now.

No self respecting woman with her own house would be this desperate for a man.

You’re ignoring everybody’s advice. Why?

I don’t think everyone realises that he isn’t getting added for nothing - he needs to match my deposit/contributions so I am protected. I wouldn’t be that silly.

It definitely has to be 50/50. Otherwise, if you have children with him he'd think bringing them up is solely your role too.

When you say his mother is OTT, do you mean she's been spoiling him, as in doing all his housework? My ex husband had a mum like this. Lovely woman. She taught him everything except the most important thing. Independence. He thought housework was women's work. I couldn't change his mindset but spent years trying. It may be difficult to change your partner's mindset if his mum has taught him otherwise.

I’m not ignoring anyone, I’ve replied to any repeated questions..and been clear I’m keeping a very open mind as to how things go in the short term.

If he loves me as much as he says then he will pull his weight - simple.

I’m sorry @JadeySmiles but you’re making your own bloody bed here. The only walk you should be planning is him in the other direction, far far away from your house.

Look forward your threads in 12 months when you’re literally holding the baby and facing the loss of your hard-earned house. WHAT ARE YOU PLAYING AT, WOMAN?

Dump and run

he is showing you his true colours.

he will be nice fur a while to get his name on the mortgage. Then he will stop doing housework and revert to who he is.

He’s not the one. Split up now. Sorry OP. It’s hard but you deserve better.

Itherwise you’ll be back on here posting that he owns half the house and doesn’t want to split but you want to leave as you’re exhausted doing all the housework and blow job rota but your capital is in the house so you can’t leave as he won’t sell up his half…..

It’ll happen. Be under no illusions. Take a step back and look from out point of view. You can’t see it as youre too wrapped up in it and desperate for it to work. It won’t he’s not the one.

He can match your contributions and deposit all he likes. It still won’t protect you. He’ll treat you like his personal housekeeper and sulk if you disagree with him on anything. There are numerous bloody great big waving red flags here and you’re ignoring them all - and the comment about a blow job rota should tell you everything you need to know. He doesn’t respect you and he doesn’t take any of this seriously. His behaviour changed as soon as he moved in, you’ve seen it for yourself, and you’d be insane to allow it to continue because the end result will be a split and you’ll lose your home.

I am trying to work out what mindset you must be in to think this is a good man.
is he much better looking that you are?
do you have very low self esteem?

This is who he is, he isn't going to change. Rota or no rota.

OP, I wasn’t going to post as everyone else has said what I was going to say, but the fact that you are STiLL entertaining adding him to your mortgage has prompted me to do so. I know you love him and you are hoping against hope that he is going to step up and then you can have the relationship with him that you want but he isn’t going to. He has been VERY clear about who he is and what he is and isn’t going to do. He has never done his own housework and he isn’t about to start now. You have replaced his mum. Both of you are about to hand him thousands of pounds which he hasn’t earned himself and he is sitting back and letting you both do this. He is laughing all the way to the bank.
the fact that you are dreading your friends asking how it is going is telling as you know how it’s going. Badly. You aren’t sleepwalking into a stupid financial decision you are positively running towards it. Please listen to us all, I understand you’re not ready to end things but please don’t add him to the mortgage. I expect you know he will end things if you don’t which is why you’re hesitating but better to end things now and not be financially screwed over than later down the life and you only have half a house.

Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha !!!