To regret moving DP in to my house

[JadeySmiles]

Hi all, the previous topic isn’t accepting new posts so I thought I’d update here.

We have had the conversation about split of
chores, DP said he can chip in ‘as and when needed’ but he didn’t have a suggested split as I hoped which was frustrating.

He says he feels a bit awkward with getting stuck in given he doesn’t own the house and thinks he will be more comfortable once he is on the Mortgage and asked me when that will be. I said I want to wait and see how things go over the next few months as we get used to living with each other.

He was a bit funny with this and suggested I’m backtracking on an agreement. But we didn’t ever set a timeline. He says his Mum has
told him the funds she/his Dad are gifting are currently in a low paying interest account and if he doesn’t take them soon they’ll fix them for a year so he needs to hurry up if he wants them.

I said this doesn’t change my feelings and we need to see how things go. He seems to be sulking now and has been on his games console in the spare bedroom since dinner, which he criticised and said he’s getting fed up with the same vegan meals. I told him he’s welcome to cook for us tomorrow!!

You should be dumping him!!
Omg what are you doing! You're desperate

Both women and men can be gullible, my daughter in law sister was trying on line dating and Brad Pitt contacted her said he would come over if she sent him 2k to pay for fuel for plane she sent it. It still makes me giggle how stupid some people can be. It would cost more than 2k for fuel lol

Come on OP this is your second thread about this guy/situation and the feedback has been unanimous.

What are you going to do about it?

100% you have found early on he is a man child

You are correct to wait to put him on the mortgage…. This is his trial period and probation period and he has failed in his role of partner/ husband

Time to find a new replacement

I'd no more put this awful man on the mortgage than I'd stick my hand down a working waste disposal unit. Think about it - you think he will dump you because you won't give him part of your house. Even if you did do the stupidest thing imaginable and agree to this he's more likely to waltz off with a chunk of your house in a few years so you'll be lonelier and poorer. In case it's relevant to you, I have spent decades in the law and I'm still horrified by how gullible people are, particularly women. This man is workshy and after your money. The comment that he can't do housework because he's not on the mortgage is breathtaking.

Nope

do not put this cocklodger on your mortgage

I know it's hard to leave someone when you have invested so much in a relationship, but
I think it's best for you to end the relationship. And even if you don't, don't put this man on the mortgage Or have children with him. With children housework will multiply like crazy and you will be really stuck.

He says his Mum has told him the funds she/his Dad are gifting are currently in a low paying interest account and if he doesn’t take them soon they’ll fix them for a year so he needs to hurry up if he wants them.

Aside from all the other glaring red flags, never ever (ever) make a financial decision you’re being coerced or pressured into. It’s another red flag in itself that he’s trying to do so.

Just don’t do it.

Really sorry this is where you’re at OP.

I disagree that you’ve fucked things up by moving him in though.

Whether you did it now or in a years time he was still going to be selfish and misogynistic. This way you’ve seen his true colours early so you’ve wasted as least time as possible.

I think it can sometimes feel hard to blow up your life when the disagreements feel trivial. I guess the question is, would you be happy having a daughter with a man like this? Would you be happy with him saying the same kinds of things to her? Similarly, would you happy having a son - knowing he’s going to learn that you’re just a skivvy for men?

Him offering to do whatever you ask is not equality. Mental load is real and you’re not his mum. A grown ass adult does their full share of the chores without being told.

Also worth mentioning, my DP lives in my house and his name isn’t in the deeds. That doesn’t stop him getting stuck into chores as needed.

It’s easy for all of us to tell you to dump him. It’s just because we can see clearly that you’re worth so much more. You really need to have a good think about this and whether this is the man you want to grow old with.

Come on OP, poster after poster has already said it. What is he contributing to your life? Please move him out, dump him and find your self-esteem. You can find a decent man who treats you like a fully-fledged human being.

OP you deserve so much more than this.

Let’s consider this from a different perspective. Imagine this lack of tidying/cleaning is still ongoing 1 or 2 years from now. What about when you’re unwell, or have children?

How do you think this will affect your feelings for him? Imagine the negative feelings you have around this issue now (for me they would be anger, irritation, resentment, frustration, disgust), but multiplied. Because, that is guaranteed, what will happen, and it will negatively impact how you feel about him, and your relationship. Can you see yourself living happily like this for the rest of your life?

There are plenty of lovely men out there who will clean up their own skid marks, and tidy/clean around their homes without being asked to do so whilst they’re renting, or sharing a space without any ownership of the property.

You don’t need someone else to pick up after and cook for, when you already have yourself to look after, you’re not his mum. Why clean up after two, when you can live in your beautiful clean zen space solo?

Also, he just might not be that into you either. He seems more concerned about the mortgage, and how this is affecting him.

I am sure he WILL feel much more comfortable once he is on the mortgage. Because then you will have to clean up after him while he sits on his backside, and if you don't like it he'll take half your house. He literally can't wait to have a maid and if he loses the maid he gets a bonus prize of half your house.

You’re worried he’ll dump you, OP? Why?? Dump him first! He’s seriously bad news.

I assume you are joking that you’re worried he’ll dump you if you go back on this? You need to dump him and remove him from your house. He’s a complete twat.

He doesn't love you, you are a meal ticket. Take a good look around you, all the hard work you've put into anything in your life, including yourself, you are going to lose to this man. Maybe not soon, but when he's done enough damage to your self esteem, had a few kids with you so you're tied to him for life and probably with poor mental health from trying to manage a house, them and a career. You'll then to go on to giving up your job because you can't manage and he'll twist it so it's somehow on you and you can be a sahm and he'll provide. I can see the script from here. This is your future if you stay with him. Only it won't just be your life you are ruining, you will be teaching your children that this behaviour is acceptable which will result in them accepting the same fate or treating their partners like shit too.

Jeez, he's one step away from calling childline because you made him do the washing up and you don't see that he is actually just a child wanting a new mummy.

If you seriously want to give him one more chance:

Have a second conversation where you say to him that on reflection you want to wait at least 2 years before he goes on the mortgage and his parents should reinvest the money or he should buy a rental property with it.

Put a very clear list of chores on the fridge with a fair and equal split, tell him once that it is there and then see if he does them. You could start with:

Everyone does their own laundry
You clean the kitchen each week
He cleans the bathroom each week
You hoover downstairs each week
He hoovers upstairs each week
You cook Monday, Wednesday, Friday including organising and buying all ingredients and doing all planning. He clears up this night
He cooks Tuesday, Thursday, Sunday including buying all ingredients and doing all planning. You clear up this night.
You wash the bedding once a week
He takes the bin out once a week

I, like almost all the other posters here, think that you’d be best asking him to move out. But the above gives you a good starting point for seeing if he’ll do what he says he will….

Take back control of the situation and end it first.
You shouldn't want to carry on the relationship in future if he moves out, especially not after you've found out that he has these awful traits.

Why are you even considering continuing this relationship? He’s not right for you and your life won’t be enriched by him being in it. Dump him, send him back to his mother’s. Know your worth.

We will all support u as it will be hard, I know 17 years with husband who would not do anything not even work, me and sons not his responsibility, was aggressive isolated me from family and friends, did part time cleaning jobs to feed him and boys I ate scraps off plates only weighed 6 stone. When boys got into secondary school I knew I had to do something I was worth more so learned how to use computer and got office job I did really well and went up ladder and managed to get mortgage to buy council house he hated me doing well and realised I had had enough when i told him to get out, I got worst beating ever, he then used to hide in bushes outside house, bugged my house it was nightmare but I didn't back down. Although he paid nothing towards house bills etc I had to give him 50k to go. DON'T LET THIS BE YOU.

If you think he’s magically going to turn into Mrs Hinch the minute his name is on the mortgage you’re very much mistaken. He’s only been there 2 months - this is him at his best. Once he gets his name on that mortgage he’ll be 10 times worse.

And he gets half of the value of your house when you do eventually get sick of him

He’s shown you exactly who he is and you’ve fumbled the conversation that could have had impact and he’s walked all over you. He has literally shown that this is the hill he will die on. He’s a man and all the crap in life is for women to deal with.

Why on earth is that bothering you? YOU DUMP HIM. He’s lazy and misogynistic and that isn’t going to change, so just dump him and find someone better.

He’s a peach. He really doesn’t get it, does he!

How does he think the shopping gets done, clothes washed, houses cleaned etc? He’s only been there a short time, and he’s become a cocklodger (one of the quickest in the history of mn?). You’re in the honeymoon period of living together, and he’s failed that.

I know you envisaged a life together, children etc, but I hope you’re re-evaluating this in light of this thread. Contemplating splitting up is a scary situation, grieving the life you anticipated and going alone. This man is not a life partner.

and please do not put him on the mortgage!!!
(This is not his decision to make either).

This. Don’t let him have the control.