To regret moving DP in to my house

[JadeySmiles]

Hi all, the previous topic isn’t accepting new posts so I thought I’d update here.

We have had the conversation about split of
chores, DP said he can chip in ‘as and when needed’ but he didn’t have a suggested split as I hoped which was frustrating.

He says he feels a bit awkward with getting stuck in given he doesn’t own the house and thinks he will be more comfortable once he is on the Mortgage and asked me when that will be. I said I want to wait and see how things go over the next few months as we get used to living with each other.

He was a bit funny with this and suggested I’m backtracking on an agreement. But we didn’t ever set a timeline. He says his Mum has
told him the funds she/his Dad are gifting are currently in a low paying interest account and if he doesn’t take them soon they’ll fix them for a year so he needs to hurry up if he wants them.

I said this doesn’t change my feelings and we need to see how things go. He seems to be sulking now and has been on his games console in the spare bedroom since dinner, which he criticised and said he’s getting fed up with the same vegan meals. I told him he’s welcome to cook for us tomorrow!!

The fact that this is a point of discussion in a group of friends who have been adults more than a decade…

Ok, I've lost so sympathy for you. Whatever comes next, we all told you so.

As they say….love is blind!

‘great, I think shes just about gotten use to living with a man’.
😩😩😩

Progress, but still quite a sexist comment. A one-off comment, fair enough (‘banter’) but coupled with the other comments and you can see a pattern emerging.

In fairness to OP, she imagined being able to move him out but continue the relationship if cohabiting didn't work out. She's now realised that the whole relationship would probably not survive that step and hasn't come to terms with that possibility just yet. I'm sure over the next few weeks as they navigate the more boring aspects of living together, some of the reservations expressed on here will reverberate with her.

I'm not surprised he's never had a serious relationship before. He sounds like an absolute pig.

Relying on you or his mummy to clean up after him is pathetic for an adult. But even without that, even if he is on his best behaviour for a few days/weeks and does a bit of housework, his appalling sexist attitudes should be enough for you to show him the door permanently.

I did question him on this, and he said it’s just his personality and he was being jokey to fit in with my friends (they never really make comments like that though so it doesn’t make sense). I told him these sort of comments are making me uncomfortable and in fairness he did acknowledge this and say he will make an effort to stop them.

He suddenly knew how to clean then? I'll bet my bottom dollar he won't be able to keep up this act, he's just doing it because he thinks it'll help his chance of getting his mitts on your house.

‘great, I think shes just about gotten use to living with a man‘

Between this and the blow job comment and the “women cleaning”, what a foul little
misogynist he is. He will be saying far worse when you’re not in earshot.

He’s being performative today - you’ll get back to a shitshow and I’d expect he blames it on you “being away” or makes it about you seeing family. The abusers playbook. Making it your fault, making you feel guilty for seeing family. Next it’ll be reminding you what happened last time you went to see family.

Other than his age is wrong, I’d be asking if you’re dating the same arsehole I did in my late 20s. I finally got the memo when he smashed my face into a wall because I wasn’t there to make his dinner.

If you’ve actually been the one to point it out to him how inappropriate his remarks are and after the recent events he’s made a further comment today STILL then it’s not “in all fairness” to him. Nothings sinking in, he’s doesn’t think he’s wrong. He thinks you’re moaning, you’re being typical overreacting difficult nagging girlfriend. He’s done nothing to show you he’s respectful of you, he’s just nodding like “yes sweetie of course I’ll stop”… internally rolling his eyes at you but how many examples are you going to give of him repeatedly making these kind of comments.

If his friends don’t seem to act like this, and your friends don’t speak like this, then maybe just accept he’s the problem and it’s no one’s fault, and no one’s forcing him to have these views, and belittle you in front of your friends.

Oh doing a bit to shut you up then.🙄

God help you OP, you clearly haven't a scrap of respect for yourself, so why would he?
Ah well, learn the hard way if you must.🤷🏻‍♀️

Well, kind of, but I’ve looked at the bathroom and he’s missed a few obvious bits 😂but he has to start somewhere right!

he answered before I could and basically said ‘great, I think shes just about gotten use to living with a man’.

Oh dear god Jadey. Just how many red flags does he have to wave for you to realise he is actually horrible? It's not banter. It's misogynistic and sexist claptrap to get you to question yourself and your standards.

Look up the boiled frog syndrome. You ARE the boiled frog right now, so please wake up before you are well and truly cooked.

This can’t be real - no one could possibly genuinely read over 1000 posts telling you he’s a sea of red flags and still think he’s a good catch. I hope it’s actually fake because no one really can be this blinded by cock surely?

See you in a couple of years OP when you’re left holding the baby and Prince cocklodger wants half the house so he can live the life of Riley.

Don’t say you weren’t warned

Hmmm. Have you heard of weaponised incompetence?

He assures me he is going to start pulling his weight and as soon as we got home he started cleaning, he has done the kitchen and is cleaning the bathroom now

Except if and when you tell him his addition to the mortgage won't be happening any time soon he'll doubtless stop again

Between your house and his parents' money this one sounds too keen on other people's assets for my taste, so he'd be gone - why bother puttting in further effort when he's already shown so clearly what he is?

OP, I really don't think Sid the Sexist is going to improve significantly or longterm, you know. Don't waste your life trying to make a silk purse out of a sows ear.

@JadeySmiles you're being manipulated - the external pressure of the parents’ money needing to be allocated o’wise it will be invested elsewhere, the fact that there even is parents’ money is a pressure as not only do you disappoint him you disappoint them , him (as I predicted on the other thread) using him not being an equal in the property as a reason for not pulling his weight, & the now fear that if you ask him to move out temporarily that’s it for your relationship. (If he loved you wouldn’t that prospect of losing you & mucking up everything over his own stupid behaviour be something he’d strive to change?) Not to mention the pressure of what your friends & peers would think, when you’ve both come this far, the fact that meeting someone anyway is so hard & that OLD is so awful & that he also earns sufficiently for your desire for children to make him a suitable future parent (financially speaking). And your clock sounds like it’s ticking.

Please just step back!! You’re being bought by pushy (yes lovely & well to do) parents. They know what kind of man they’ve raised & they expect him to be taken care of in exactly the same way he was raised. This man you thought was a catch is a gilded trap. Money does not make it ok. Any amount (doesn’t have to be loads).

If you do split up that’s on him. On him for being a lazy, arrogant, selfish pig. For expecting you to be his maid. Yes it will look like you’re over reacting over a bit of housework, you’re being full on feminist & a “psycho”. You were fine before he moved in then she went full blown nuts. Yes this narrative is always used to describe women refusing to be bullied into submission. Wld you stand for this treatment in any sphere in your life? If your work expected you to do double the work for less pay than a man in your work? We all know now that the gender gap is not acceptable - even he must do. You don’t need to be a feminist to be aware of that. This is about so much more than having a meltdown over running a duster around or being excessively house proud (as you’ll be called). It’s about the fair division of labour & equal roles in the relationship where having a penis no longer grants him entitlement to a lesser load.

You're setting the bar so low he's going to stub his toes on it.

More fool you.

I do question if this post is for real. The complaining about your food now, the overt sexism, blow job rota (joke), you being almost used to living with a Man now, the outright entitlement to the leaving skid marks. I mean there’s no way this cld have been hidden from the OP, his peers or workmates until now. Is this just a wind up?

He’s cleaning for his friends. Not you.

My 7 year old noticed the laundry basket was getting full so put on a wash load. I'm feeling pretty smug right now because I appear to be doing a much better job than your future MIL did. Thanks for this thread OP. It's zero help for you because you have no standards, but helping the self efficacy of mothers out there that are doing their bit to raise independent and capable individuals. I just feel sorry for your future children. Hopefully you don't have girls.

I agree and I’m out. I am struggling to believe anybody is this thick and obtuse. It’s embarrassing for a 30 odd year old woman.

I can't decide whether following this thread is more like watching 1000 collective posters banging their heads against a brick wall, or watching someone trapped on an escalator moving up inexorably to meet their inevitable fate. Off out now 😣