AIBU yo not want this woman near my children

[Easterhols1]

*Excuse the typo in the title, sausage fingers 🙈
I realise I will probably get alot of “do whats best for the children” and “its not about you its about allowing your children to have opportunities” BUT how many of you would seriously consider not allowing someone access to your children for physically and verbally abusing their parents. Today my husband went against my wishes that his sister was not to take my children out anywhere on her own (I realise this may sound controlling but its really not) this came about after she physically abused my husband and verbally abused myself. She does not speak to me and will not acknowledge my existence. Today DC were with their grand parents as I had to work (my in laws) and she lives there as well. DH is there regularly and allowed her to take the children out despite my wishes that she was not to be left unsupervised with them. I am livid , I feel sick at the audacity of her after everything she has done and desperatley want to protect my children from her. AIBU to have these feelings (she said some god awful things to me, something along the lines of “fk off, your not needed or welcone here but give me your kids” I mean would anyone sane tolerate this??

You and your husband seem very passive in this situation, which is weird, because you're obviously very angry about this.

You both need to think long and hard about why 'farming' is seemingly more important than your children's potential safety and wellbeing. You're obviously angry (I would be too), so use that anger and change things.

Ive posted a number of times that DH is very much against his sister and she did not ask or have anyones permission. The thing about this particular incident is that it feels like she “saw her chance” in that shes not had the chance to cross this boundary before, but saw her opportunity. Just to update DH has tackled his parents and Sister about the incident and things have been explosive to say the least leading to more threats from SIL. Thanks for all your advice. Never again will they be there after whats happened this pm.

Im actually shaking and husband has come home shaking

Has she made a physical threat this time?

My SIL is similar. We cut contact because she harassed my husband so much when he stood up to her that he ended up having to take time off work for anxiety. She also made allegations that I'm abusive and threatened to tell our daughter all about what a horrible person I secretly am and how I don't really care about DD. Our daughter has learning disabilities and is incredibly vulnerable. Being manipulated like that would devastate her.

My in-laws stance about her behaviour was "everybody has flaws". DH and DD went for dinner with our in law's and and MIL took her out to "get some bags", and gave her an advent calendar from SIL on the sly. Husband only found out it was from her when DD told him in the car because she'd been uncomfortable mentioning it.

We've since made it very VERY clear that when they see DD it will be supervised because their attitude shows we can't trust them to respect our wishes.

I have no advice unfortunately, only solidarity because these situations are so incredibly stressful ❤️

He has to be there, your DC don’t. If you feel so strongly pay for childcare

This is often the case with farming families. There’s a weird dynamic with the parents owning the farm, the son spending his life working for minimum wage because ‘one day all this will be yours’, other siblings either working on the farm or trying to get their hands on the land. When grandchildren come along the dynamic is even stranger. I’d suggest your husband does contracting for someone else if he wants to keep his family sane.

Well apparently im a “shit stiring whore” and next time she sees me she will “show her who’s boss and tear her a new a*hole” and I have also ruined everything and shes going to let the world know what I am.MIL has completely sided with SIL who is “lovely and does her best for the children” FIL is livid at her and believes shes about to bring generations upon generations of the family farm to an end.

He did used to do some contracting and I have recently suggested this again to him.

So sorry, what a horrible experience for you 💖 it is extremely stresfull. Family was always very important to me as I lost my own mother, so the hurt, anger and disappointment from this is huge x

You either move away and DH farms elsewhere, or the DC do not go anywhere near the farm ever again.

You will say these options are impossible. So you will have to shut up and let ILS do whatever they want.

Daddy has a job! It's called "farmer". It's way more than just a job too, it's a way of life!

How simplistic!

You clearly don't know too much about farming life!

Perhaps you should give over talking about something you just don't understand!

Perhaps you should read to the end of the thread and discover the OP is actually taking everyone's advice, before coming in all 'farming mafia' 😂

You and dh are right to be furious. Unfortunately the children can’t go farming with daddy - they are not farming, they are being taken off by a crazy woman who is clearly unhinged. That would be end of the children going to the in-laws sadly.

Its so hard for non farming folk to understand x

How is he going to "farm elsewhere"? He can't pick up the land and take it with him!

@Easterhols1 I really do get your dilemma and I feel for you! What is a woman of 45 doing still living with her parents anyway? Are they going to leave the family home to her or something?

You're going to have to put your foot down with all of them. Your husband should inform his sister that if she ever threatens him again, he will call the police, and mean it. Sounds like FIL is getting a bit rattled in case your DH does walk away.

Did you build on farmland or are you very close to the farm? A couple of farming families, as the parents got older, swapped houses with them. I don't know if that would work for you? It would get the sister off the farm.

It will be hard for the children but they're best off staying away. I don't imagine it would be comfortable for you to go with them or would she just abuse you too?

I think it's a good idea for your DH to amp up the contracting. It would give him a bit more independence from them, and he wouldn't be on the farm for the children to want to go.

Maybe missing out on the children and seeing DH pulling away a bit will get the message across. Good luck.

I did. You're still talking nonsense.

Unless you've come from a farming community, you'd never get it! x

Thank you for your understanding words. She has never had any desire to do anything with her life, dies not pay any bills etc, never had a boyfriend/partner, which is fine but Im starting to feel glad over any potential husband she might of had because she would probably beat him 😂 yes it is the parents wish that she inherit their bungalo and DH inherits the farm house and farm and land. DH deffo needs to re-consider the contracting…

Sadly you are going to be lumbered with her for life...

Your DH really does need a bit of distance, scare the crap out of FIL a bit that he might not want the farm!

I honestly think contracting is the way to go for him. If he did it before and is considering it again it would be a good plan. The promise of an inheritance is just a string to keep him hooked in, especially with the inheritance tax changes for farmers. I know friends of mine who have worked all their lives with the thought of inheriting the family farm are going to have to sell up when their father dies (he’s in his nineties), because there wont be the cash to pay the ineritence tax. Your husband could still inherit in the same way that his sister can inherit one day, it would just mean you would all have lives in the meantime.

I understand why you feel like that. For what it's worth, I've been no contact with my in-laws for nearly 6 months and as much as it was hard at first, my stress levels have dropped and aspects of life just feel easy, because I'm not walking on egg shells trying not to offend someone who's mission in life is to be perpetually offended. It does get easier from an emotional standpoint ❤️

I was a farm worker and for those who say you are not born a farmer, you are. You don't choose to be a farmer, farming chooses you. It's not a job anyone would choose to do, it's impossible for those not dedicated to it to do. I've seen many try and fail. I've met farmers DC who can't hack it, and other who couldn't be anything else. It is truely a vocation, you couldn't easily go into lots of vocations and see it as a job, farming is no different to any other vocation. I know the hard work, the physical and mental toll, and the absolute dedication it requires and I would still jump at the chance of going back into it if the opportunity arose, I dull the itch with small scale projects for the household.

I'm sorry you are all going through this OP.

Farming family dynamics are so difficult, the DC are often in thrall to parents from a long life of working on the farm from an early age. No doubt FIL is at a stage where he needs his DS on board working on the farm to keep it going. I hope he can take up the mantle and do something to support your DH and you to establish some peace for you all.

I wish I could offer more than this but I do very much hope that the best that can be will be for you and your family.