AIBU yo not want this woman near my children

[Easterhols1]

*Excuse the typo in the title, sausage fingers 🙈
I realise I will probably get alot of “do whats best for the children” and “its not about you its about allowing your children to have opportunities” BUT how many of you would seriously consider not allowing someone access to your children for physically and verbally abusing their parents. Today my husband went against my wishes that his sister was not to take my children out anywhere on her own (I realise this may sound controlling but its really not) this came about after she physically abused my husband and verbally abused myself. She does not speak to me and will not acknowledge my existence. Today DC were with their grand parents as I had to work (my in laws) and she lives there as well. DH is there regularly and allowed her to take the children out despite my wishes that she was not to be left unsupervised with them. I am livid , I feel sick at the audacity of her after everything she has done and desperatley want to protect my children from her. AIBU to have these feelings (she said some god awful things to me, something along the lines of “fk off, your not needed or welcone here but give me your kids” I mean would anyone sane tolerate this??

Erm I’m sorry farming is a job? He’s a business man/ mechanic/vet/weatherman/scentist/ accountant/admin and much much more all rolled into one. He works 24/7 and harder than anyone with a “9-5 office job” I find your comment highly insulting and ignorant to everyone in the industry. “Get a job like everyone else?” i’m sorry but where exactly do you think “everyone else” would be without the farmer??

Are you the same poster whose in laws didn’t use car seats?

Erm… no.. did she have a horrible SIL as well?

@Easterhols1 could it be worth having a heart-to-heart with your MiL?

Would she be supportive to your concerns?

Very difficult situation for you, I understand

Also your “laughing reaction” at my reply to you just proves your a troll with a very weird agenda.

I think in your situation, I would stop my children going farming with their father.
He seems enmeshed with his extended family and seems to chose their abuse over protecting your joint children.
No I don't think you need to give examples. Mother's instinct is very important.
Where are your extended family? Is there someone who would take your children out when you're working? What about a Nanny or school holiday clubs where you can stipulate who is banned from collecting your children in your absence.

No but her husband was a farmer and there were lots of problems with the in laws not respecting boundaries and being unkind about her. The husband seemed unable to but put in appropriate boundaries and that seemed closely linked with the complexity of inheritance, work expectations etc.

She had horrible PILs if I recall correctly.

There have been a number of different threads from OPs who had married into farming families. Pretty much all of them were posting because of poor treatment from their in-laws with a DH who always took his family's side. The farming families described on here were all very enmeshed and mean/dismissive of outsiders, i.e. the DILs who had married into the family.

Ah I see, unfortunately it is usually the case.

She physically assaulted your Dh ?
Doesn’t matter if the dc want to go, they can’t. You are allowing this to happen. No one seems interested in stopping this.

‘Daddy is working and can’t keep you safe’ is more than enough.

I don’t take my children to work because it’s not safe.

They're clearly not stuck like glue to anyone, if SIL was able to bundle them into a car.and take them away before DH was close enough to stop her.

If you want them to stop being exposed to your SIL then you will have to disappoint them and say they can't go there. There isn't another option, the PIL and SIL aren't going to change and it doesn't seem like your DH is going to change his job so you have to change the only thing you can, which is the DC going there without you.

Then DH gets another job and stops being a farmer, surely? Your kids should come first.

What other job? Its not just a job its a whole way of life its in the blood. Its also our DS’s future…

I asked if I was unreasonable to feel this way about SIL not to be told that DH should get another job…

But this didn't happen out on the Farmyard, they went in for something to drink, MIL said leave them with me for a bit. thats when DH went back out, and saw from afar SIL taking them.

DH shouldn't have left the DC with his mother when he knows she supports SIL having them.

Against, PIL and SIL aren't going to change their behaviour or their opinions, DH isn't going to change his job so change the only thing you can which is that DC don't go there without you.

It doesn't have to be your DS's future. You're not born a farmer and farming is the only thing you can do for the rest of your life.

If that's genuinely how you feel, then you obviously need to accept your children being around these abusive people (which says a lot about you).

Today DC were with their grand parents as I had to work (my in laws) and she lives there as well.

Looks like you need to stop utilising the GP free childcare and pay if you want any say whatsoever.

You can't dictate the woman isn't at her own goddamn house.

I think you either allow your dc to ‘go farming ’ with your husband and accept that he will not protect them from your SIL and wider family whilst they do - or they don’t go. It’s really that simple. I’m sorry it sound hideously difficult but your actual choice is simple.

I don't accept her being around them, my boundaries were set and made very clear.

It does not have to no. But my DS wants it to be, he lives and breathes for it, his friends are little farmers in the yfc its his social group its what he is made of. Its an extremely difficult situation to navigate

But you/ your DH haven't enforced those boundaries. PIL and SIL aren't going to abide by them. So either they go there and never leave your/DHs side the whole time they're on the premises, or they don't go there. There's no other way to get what you want, they're not going to do what you want.

No they are not… this has all given me plenty, plenty to think about.

I'm not sure why you're sick at her audacity when she took the children out with their fathers permission? There is nothing you can do about this if your children's equal parent isn't on the same page, so your energies really need to be directed towards your H. Why did he allow this? Does he still fear her as a result of the abuse he suffered? Where do the parents stand? You trust them to do childcare, yet they are presumably doing nothing in the face of an abusive woman taking your DC out? You need a serious conversation with your H where you make some joint decisions about childcare you're comfortable with. Because there is no way you're going to be able to control your SiLs access while her parents have charge of your DC and their father stands by allowing it.

She did not have their fathers permission,