AIBU yo not want this woman near my children

[Easterhols1]

*Excuse the typo in the title, sausage fingers 🙈
I realise I will probably get alot of “do whats best for the children” and “its not about you its about allowing your children to have opportunities” BUT how many of you would seriously consider not allowing someone access to your children for physically and verbally abusing their parents. Today my husband went against my wishes that his sister was not to take my children out anywhere on her own (I realise this may sound controlling but its really not) this came about after she physically abused my husband and verbally abused myself. She does not speak to me and will not acknowledge my existence. Today DC were with their grand parents as I had to work (my in laws) and she lives there as well. DH is there regularly and allowed her to take the children out despite my wishes that she was not to be left unsupervised with them. I am livid , I feel sick at the audacity of her after everything she has done and desperatley want to protect my children from her. AIBU to have these feelings (she said some god awful things to me, something along the lines of “fk off, your not needed or welcone here but give me your kids” I mean would anyone sane tolerate this??

Apart from anything else, are your children safe on the farm? Are they properly supervised and looked after?

I'd be arranging different childcare.

Yes ive never had any concerns for their safety on the farm, FIL and DH super vigilant and children never left unsupervised when out on the farm, DD is stuck to FIL like glue and DS is safe with his father. My concerns arise when it comes to them going in to the house with her there, mouthing off, swearing, bad mouthing people, finding anything to start a disagreement and all around causing an unpleasant atmosphere, but DC love farming

Well you have 2 choices. Keep on as you are or not allowed the kids to go farming with daddy. It's really that simple

Its not though, DC want to farm, I don’t want to be the bad guy in their eyes for stopping them going because “Auntie is a horrible person” my heart is torn by this!

In your mind it may be that dimple, but in our reality its not, its an awful awkward situation which is driving me crazy and hurting my heart so much

You can't keep them apart from her if they continue to go to the grandparents'.

I grew up rurally so understand your dilemma, but it really is as simple as that.

This sounds pretty complicated. His family is obviously quite "enmeshed" and im not sure you can get your way on this one. You are probably right to want to protect them from a toxic situation, but your in laws aren't going to see her as an issue, and if your husband is working there and bringing the children then they are going to let her.

YANBU whatsover....however sadly sometimes in families people can 'club together in league', and as your parents in law are clearly doing this with the SIL who lives there and they see in a different light to you, you need to stop them having care of and unsupervised contact with your children too when the sister is around to stand any chance of her not being left alone with them.

I wonder what her side of the story would be. You sound very critical and harsh but haven’t given any specific examples of what constitutes such terrible behaviour aside from your description of ‘swearing, mouthing off and bad mouthing.’ If your DH and ILs don’t seem to have raised concerns could it be a clash of personalities? Your health and heart hurting sounds a little bit ott.

What baby?

I wonder whether you would be critical of someone who "physically abused my husband and verbally abused myself". Would you be content to have your young children exposed to "swearing, mouthing off and bad mouthing"?

I don't think the OP sounds ott at all. If you would accept this mistreatment, you must have a pretty low bar!

All sounds pretty toxic to me!

DH has a massive problem with her and with everything I have endured with that woman I have reached a point of stoping being a people pleaser and putting my needs last to suit her and their needs! Yes I am critical and harsh I have a lot of built up anger and hurt which I should probably work on, Im not giving specific details on what she did but it was the most horrendous time. Certainly not a personality clash, I know that full well.

Never mind that poster - there's always one!!

Nobody should have to tolerate physical and verbal abuse and you don't owe anyone here an explanation!

Is your DH in line to inherit the farm? Is there any prospect of SIL getting married and moving out or otherwise pissing off?

I have a horrible SIL too so I hear you - distance is the thing that works for us! She's nearly 2 hours away thank god.

And the heart hurting is called emotion, the hurt and stress this woman has caused me is unbelievable and knowing that there is no easy escape short of divorcing my husband makes everything feel unbearable

Thank you for your kind words. In an ideal world she would be lovely and we could support each other and I would happily let her take then kids.. but no. He is, but no sign of SIL marrying, she is much older than him and has always lived at home so no chance of her pissing off 🙈

I would not let my children around someone who is known to be physically or verbally abusive, no.

I'd also not let my children spend significant amount of time with people who exolicitly undermine me, and that includes your PIL not just SIL. So maybe find other childcare.

YANBU!! If you don't feel someone if safe to be responsible for your children, they shouldn't be looking after them! Doubly so, if the situation has only come about from your husband being lazy (rather than, say, if your husband thought it was for some reason important for them to have one-on-one time together).

As a secondary point, as the father is your current husband and not an ex, you also have a relationship issue, in that he should respect your boundaries.

Your MIL is also overstepping, and wrong to boot. Your SIL does not "deserve" anything with your children. She has no rights over them, it is up to you and your husband, whether you think your children will benefit from a relationship with her.

My SIL and DH do not get on, and will not be in the same building. Similar, in that she can be a very difficult person (although as it happens, me and her get on okay on the rare occasions we see each other). One day, she lost her mind, screaming at my DH about something irrelevant, and threatened to hit him. All this in front of the toddler, which is why they now don't meet. She believed she had a "right" to see her niece and nephew too. As a family, we facilitate her seeing the children on occasion, because on balance, we think family is important, and she only acts like that with my DH. But we also have the rule that she can't be alone with them, because ultimately, she is unstable. My MIL and FIL host me and her and the children. They would never dream of going against what we've decided is best for the safety of our children. Sounds like your PILs and DH are scared of your SILs moods, and are happy to offer up your children to mollify her, which isn't okay.

Neither I nor my DC would be anywhere near someone who spoke like that. If OP has continued to allow this behaviour via the in-laws until now it should be clear why I’m asking questions.

Thank you, its good to hear from someone in a similar situation. SIL certainly does not deserve time with my children after what she did but MIL will always support her and her wrongdoings and not me because “poor SIL does not have her own life, shes lived in the same room for 45 years blah blah blah” well im sorry but thats got nothing to do with me..sorry, im just so angry

Well that wasn't clear when you said that you would like to hear the SIL's version of events. I don't think I need to, personally.

I understand how farming families work and the OP is in a difficult position here.

Thank you, the physically abusing my DH in front of the children is enough for me not to want them near her, which is why i asked that she not be left unsupervised with them.. but boundaries were crossed which is how ive ended up here this evening, to rant/vent and just double check am I right to feel this way? Like really?

I totally understand why you feel this way, and I would feel the same. My heart goes out to you, honestly, because you are in such a no-win situation!

The only one who can assert the rights of your children not to be left unsupervised with their 'aunt' is your DH. He needs to put his foot down with his parents.

She physically abused your DH - she can't be trusted not to do the same with your precious children. So set your boundaries. Your children won't be at the PILs unless they accept your conditions. Your DH needs to reinforce this.

I think you need to be able to dissapoint your children, they won't get to go farming with Daddy for a while, till you see if you can sort it.

Your children should never step foot in the house where a violent relative lives.

daddy may not want to give up his vocation, but he absolutely could walk away. He doesn’t have to keep going there every day. There are other ways to earn a living that don’t expose his family to this kind of toxicity.

Daddy needs to be an independent adult- get a job like everyone else and stop sacrificing his children for a possible future inheritance.