AIBU yo not want this woman near my children

[Easterhols1]

*Excuse the typo in the title, sausage fingers 🙈
I realise I will probably get alot of “do whats best for the children” and “its not about you its about allowing your children to have opportunities” BUT how many of you would seriously consider not allowing someone access to your children for physically and verbally abusing their parents. Today my husband went against my wishes that his sister was not to take my children out anywhere on her own (I realise this may sound controlling but its really not) this came about after she physically abused my husband and verbally abused myself. She does not speak to me and will not acknowledge my existence. Today DC were with their grand parents as I had to work (my in laws) and she lives there as well. DH is there regularly and allowed her to take the children out despite my wishes that she was not to be left unsupervised with them. I am livid , I feel sick at the audacity of her after everything she has done and desperatley want to protect my children from her. AIBU to have these feelings (she said some god awful things to me, something along the lines of “fk off, your not needed or welcone here but give me your kids” I mean would anyone sane tolerate this??

If she lives with her parents and they look after you children, it is inevitable that she will have contact with them.

Can't you find anyone else to look after your children when you are at work?

Why does your husband let her look after the children unsupervised after she physically assaulted him? Is he scared to say no to her?

Your husband is also parent to the children. Unfortunately he feels differently to you, so there's not much you can do about it.

Today he witnessed her bundeling them into her car from a distance, by the time he reached where they were she was driving off. Tackled his mother who said “oh yes shes taken them for a nice walk, she deserves some time with them” (MIL is fully aware of her treatment towards us but desperatley believes she should be a part of their lives and is currently painting me as the bad guy trying to “keep the children from her”) its not the case at all, I just want them safe, to be around decent people who dont shout scream and swear!

PIL shouldn’t be looking after the children.

He says he doesnt feel different, but then again did not tackle her about it.

find alternative childcare and do not let PILs look after the kids?

How is this your husband’s fault? It sounds like he was too late to stop her and it was your MIL who allowed it. Or is your husband easier to blame than the people providing free childcare?

PIL just lost any chance of unsupervised access to the children. Id go so far as to remove all access from all of them

After that my MIL would also never see the kids again either (or maybe only every other weekend during my ex husband’s contract time if he hadn’t backed me up and I’d divorced him).
Unless there’s a massive backstory and you’ve murdered your SIL’s cat in a satanic ritual or something, her behaviour is unhinged. And as a rule I would not let unhinged people be around my children unsupervised.

He did not tackle her on her return for a quiet life. DH works on site you see so he is also there watching the kids, not just in laws.

There is no back story, she is just a very unpleasant woman with no self awareness and no boundaries. I trusted my husband to ensure that it was made clear that the children are to be safe.

You want him to tackle the sister after tackling MIL… he’s onsite but the IL’s are providing childcare and the sister lives there but you want her to have nothing to do with the kids.

besides the amount of tackling that’s going on… I think this is all very weird

It is a horrid situation to be in believe me!! Toxic toxic toxic, he is a farmer you see, kids want to go farming with daddy, break their hearts if they cant, his parents are there, his uncle is there, his sister is there, meanwhile im left desperately wishing we could just walk away from it all! You dont need to point out how weird it is. I feel trapped, desperate and scared everytime they go “farming with daddy”

You’ve not given any examples to suggest they are not safe with her

I don't think you can dictate what you in-laws allow when this person lives with them.

You need to pay for child care and only visit in-laws when you or DH can be there.

If your DH is happy for his sister to see the baby that is a different argument though as you are only a 50% parent not the alpha in charge parent....

Yeah this didn’t really clear anything up for me. So I’ll just wish you luck. And advise you not become the crazy one in this situation, as you appear to be heading in that direction based on your posts.

DH is not happy he wants nothing to do with her but unfortunately his ties to the place means that he has to be there and she lives there, its awful.

If it bothers you that much why would you allow your children to be looked after at the house where she lives? You can choose not to see her but you can’t expect her to not interact with them if they are in her house.

I appreciate its impossible for someone from a non agricultural background to understand the complexity that comes with that way of life, add in to it an awful relative and it makes life damned near impossible . You are right, they have nearly driven me off the edge, my mental health is shattered, i am already on anxiety medication but today has just left me feeling like if i just disappeared they would all be better off

DH is there regularly and allowed her to take the children out despite my wishes that she was not to be left unsupervised with them

Your DH is the problem.

If my in laws didn't follow my rules, they wouldn't look after my kids. It's that simple. Stop them having unsupervised access and when they ask why just say if you cannot respect my wishes regarding raising my children then you will not be having them without my presence.

Ultimately you need to deal with DH & you need to stop using PIL for childcare.

Make it clear you trusted then to respect your parenting choices and they disguarded your requests.

Thank you, this is exactly how it is and feels.

Your DH is the problem. He is not willing to protect his children from his toxic sister. Not sure what you can do, if you split you'll have no control over who they see when they're with their dad.