Husband and son drama

[podge29]

I will preface this by requesting that anyone who wants to have a dig at blended families or say things like ‘this is what happens if you don’t stay single’ etc just doesn’t comment. I’ve experienced so much prejudice when posting about our family dynamics before and it’s wholly inaccurate and unhelpful. Plus I already feel shit so please don’t stick the boot in.

Ds is 14. Dh and I got together when he was 5. Ds dad still very involved so Dh has always been respectful of boundaries but has loved and supported ds financially, emotionally and practically for 10 years. We have a toddler together and all has been fine. Until about two years ago when ds started high school and started with the usual bullshit and attitude. He can be rude, surly and lazy. But Dh has no patience for it whatsoever and they often argue which is hard as despite his flaws, ds is generally a very good kid with a good nature.

Last night they had a big row which resulted in ds telling Dh to shut up and Dh replying ‘you fucking shut up’. I immediately took ds to another room and we watched a film together. When he’d gone to bed I spoke to Dh and told him it’s absolutely unacceptable to speak like that, he’s the adult, I know ds isn’t perfect but reacting like that just escalates things.

He wouldn’t accept that he was at fault in anyway and basically just launched a tirade of abuse about ds. How he’s lazy, I pander to him, he has no life skills and will end up being a waster. Some of it hit a nerve as I do baby both of my dc a bit but overall I found it unnecessarily cruel. We had a massive row and haven’t spoken since.

There is now a vile atmosphere in the house. I’m so sick of being stuck in the middle, trying to mediate between these two egos. I told Dh that unless things change we will be separating as my dc come first and I can’t live in an environment like this. It isn’t what I want and I would be heartbroken for my toddler. I also don’t have the money to buy my own property so god knows what would happen there.

I expected the teenage years to be difficult but I didn’t expect them to cost me my marriage. The sad thing is I’m certain if it did come to that then my ds would be gutted as he has loved and depended on dh for many years.

I don’t have much money but I do have enough for a travelodge for a couple of nights. I’m wondering if it’s worth just going away with the kids to get out of this atmosphere and give everyone a break.

I would be very interested in experiences for people who have been through this and how it panned out. I’m aware it’s probably just a phase and that bio dads/sons probably clash too. However my dh approach to it and his behaviour last night has really made me see him in a different light and I’m just not sure this is salvageable if he can’t show a bit more patience and maturity.

The teenage years aren't costing you your marriage, your husband's behaviour is.
It's not massively unusually for step fathers to start to behave differently as a male child grows up. Also you blame the change in your son's behaviour on his age and being at secondary b school but it seems to coincide with the arrival of his half sibling.
Blended families can work, this one isn't. You need to put your children first

ETA don't leave your home, and don't make your children stay in a travel lodge. I'd anyone needs to give you all a break it's the adult man shouting and swearing at a child.
For me his reaction after is the worst bit, if he'd lost his rag once with a frustrating teenager then apologised to both of you said he shouldn't have behaved that way etc, that's something to work from, but he feels he's perfectly justified in treating your son this way

I’ve experienced so much prejudice when posting about our family dynamics before

with damn good reason

How the hell are these children going to grow up to be happy healthy fully functioning adults with this kind of childhood? They aren’t

This happens even in entire families. The teenage boy and the male of the house often butt heads. Like a little power struggle normally however because the son is the adults child there is still that parental love that helps overcome the issues.

It is nothing new and does tend to be much worse in step families because the man of the house doesn’t want someone else’s male in their eyes fighting for top dog position. The verbal tirade just shows what he really thinks of your son.

It needs bringing to a halt now before it ends up physical or your son decides to go live with his dad.

It sounds like things came to a head last night. If you have already said 'unless things change we will need to separate' it could be that maybe DH is in agreement and does want this hence the not speaking and atmosphere. It sounds like the clashing has been going on a while and some of the points he said in the heat on the moment regarding how you are perhaps soft on the children are how he really feels and he is fed up with the home situation. Maybe he doesn't normally speak up but the behaviour of the teen caused him to snap and say how he truly felt.

Oh and by experience. Lived in a blended house and then also helped the neighbours older male child escape an abusive step father. It started over a packet of crisps in their house and got worse and worse. His NC with his mum.

For 10 years my son and his stepfather have gotten along very well. I had a stepfather who also was a great asset and incredible role model in my life.

The prejudice comes from people who have a superiority complex about how blended families are somehow lesser. Our family has been very happy, we are just experiencing clashes at a time when many ‘normal’ families would too.

My children are not unhappy or neglected or damaged. They have a happy childhood. Please don’t post again. I did ask politely.

I don’t think it’s as black and white as other posters are suggesting.
Your DS told your DH to shut up. Your DH shouted back. Yes he swore which isn’t great but it’s also what happens in real life. You then rewarded your son’s behaviour by watching a film together. I think they were both in the wrong. Both needed to calm down and then talk things through and apologise. No need to end the marriage.

Did you challenge your DS on the way he spoke to DH?

I agree DH needs to show more maturity but it is not acceptable to talk to anyone that way so I'm not surprised he lost his rag really.

Family counselling?

Do you pander to your son? Son told DH to shut up and your DHs response was out of order, but did DS also get told off for saying that to an adult? Or did he just get movie and an easy out of his behaviour? I agree with others than it’s your relationship costing you your marriage not your son. But while your DH is out of order… does he have a point to some extent? Is this poor communication between the two of you?

To be honest, both were at fault here, ds for shouting at dh, and dh for responding. It sounds like cross words said in the heat of the moment, and both should apologise to each other.

Also, regarding the conversation afterwards. You could actually commend dh fornot saying some thing earlier. He has respected how you brought up ds (and younger dc), and supported you in this.

(The step aspect is actually irrelevant here, these arguments happens in all families. )

But the problem is there probably is a connection to its being a blended family and it's not prejudice to point that out. It's all well and good being a great step-dad to a cute 5 year old who hangs off your every word and is basically compliant but it's a different matter when this child turns into a 'stroppy' teen with a mind of their own and is far less amenable. I just think there is (not necessarily - some manage it, no doubt) the deep-rooted bond of love there to see the relationship through that challenging time. Add into the mix another child who is the man's own, and who is probably putting additional pressure on the family just by being there as two kids are always more work than one and toddlers are cute but hard work and the cracks begin to show, and it will be the relationship with the teen that suffers.

Blended families can work of course. I have a friend who is far closer to her stepdad than her own, but it may be easier as she is female, so no threat to his status, and no additional kids were born into the family. Her own dad treats his (grown-up) kids with his new wife better than my friend - it seems a lot of men don't have the bandwidth to cope with the family set-ups they get themselves into.

I don't see the point in shifting two kids to a Travelodge and if anyone stays away for a bit it should be him. It's good you have said you will put your son first though. Anyone who launched a 'tirade of abuse' against my son would be someone I would struggle to really forgive and if he's not backing down or apologising and doesn't do so very soon it's not looking good. As for having your own money to buy a house, as you're married the assets of the marriage would probably be split which should help if it did come to that.

I agree with the above posters. While it was very unacceptable for your dh to curse at your son, your son was wrong to shout shut up. How did you deal with your son's behaviour?

I don't think your partner behaved well but given they were in the middle of a blazing row, I don't think it's that unusual for an adult to swear at a teenager 🤔 I think many parents would admit to that once or twice when their teens have been impossible. Maybe a good idea to have a night away and let things calm down. Then you will need to have further conversations with your DH about how he feels about your son and discussions with your son about being respectful to his stepfather. Take your time and don't rush into anything while in a heightened emotional state. Family relationships are tough but there's a lot of love in your household. Keep talking and trying to find some common ground for them both to come together.

My son is told often not to speak like that. But Dh doesn’t help matters by winding him up. Neither of them listen to me, they both just carry on behaving like this and it will end up costing the family unit.

Sorry you are going through this OP, so stressful for you.
So let's break this down a bit, let's look at the cause, the death by a thousand cuts, rather than the reaction.
When you say you baby your children, what are you doing - and what has your DP picked up on?
When your son misbehaves or talks disrespectfully, what would be your preferred approach to dealing with it, have you been doing that, and have you spoken to DP in specific detail about it? (I won't ask if it's working, because it's not a one and done scenario with teenagers!)
When you say your son can be rude, surly and lazy - all teenagers have an element of this, but its easy to lose sight of what's normal in terms of behaviour and frequency of behaviour when it's your own child, might be good to share how this manifests/how often to judge where he is sitting on the scale.
When you talk to your DP about issues outside of DS, how does he respond? Would you describe him as someone whose keen to be a good partner when it comes to conflict resolution and tries to work on things as a team, or is he generally defensive and unable to admit fault? Has a blow up ever happened before where when he's calmed down he's been able to sit down and work through a solution with you? Has he tried to talk to you about DS behaviour or the way you respond to him before proactively, or is it always reactive in the moment? Does he ever manage to respond calmly in these situations - what started the row last night and have there been lots of things stacking up lately?
Lots of questions, sorry - but I think it's helpful to break it down.

Sit them down and tell them this.
Then work on ways of not winding each other up. Taking time out when tired etc..,,

It’s incredibly difficult being stuck in the middle of this, you have my sympathy. Could you ask for your son and your partner to discuss it together and make a plan ?

I think they both need to apologise to each other.

It sounds to me like you rewarded your DS for his poor behaviour, if you don’t effectively discipline him things will only get worse.

Yes your DH shouldn’t have said that but we’re all human and sometimes we get frustrated.

I think you should reassess how you deal with your son’s poor behaviour in the future. Maybe agree together with your DH the way forward or it will be an unhappy home.

You are playing your part too here ‘sick of being in the middle’ and ‘nobody listens to me’, stop playing the blame game and take control. Your son doesn’t listen to you, so why reward him and punish your DH? Does your son have firm boundaries or is this ‘teenagers will be teenagers’ thing generally accepted? Is your DH frustrated because you let your son get away with too much? Because it sounds like that’s how he feels.

This. Been there, it does happen even with biological fathers and sons. But you’re right to question how he dealt with it, just as it would have been fine for him to question how you dealt with it had you lost your temper. Which we all do from time to time. The teenage years are tough, very tough and when we were going through that my husband and I would deal with things in very different ways, which in itself did cause issues . However, in most instances if one of us ever overstepped the mark the other was usually able to have a word and say maybe you shouldn’t approach it quite like that. However, I’m not going to lie that having different approaches to this with your partner can cause friction even in wholly biological families.

I wasn’t rewarding him, I was trying to remove him from the situation before it escalated into a bigger row.
Ds is punished, told off and for the most part he is a well behaved kid. No other issues with him. Good as gold at school etc. It’s just his attitude towards dh but I do think Dh does things that wind him up. It’s 6 of one, half a dozen of the other but the difference is that Dh is a grown man and should know better.

The biggest challenge of parenting for a couple is presenting a united front .... this is especially important with teenagers.
You and your OH are clearly worlds apart in the way you parent and this needs to change.
It does sound as though your OH is letting himself get wound up by DS and responding inappropriately.
On of the ways you might be able to defuse this is by not reacting to this at the time in a way that is divisive. This is something that needs discussing in privacy between you and your OH.

It's got nothing to do with being a blended family.

There are two big male egos here. They're both in the wrong. Teenage years can be hell on earth but it doesn't mean that they can tell their parents to shut up! What did your son get for this? You need to be honest with yourself. Have you allowed your sons behaviour to get slowly worse? Is your dh being the only real parent when it comes to standards? If you do answer yes honestly, then you're at fault and need to step up your game.

Your husband shouldn't swear but it is only a word.

You need to quickly work out what's happening and either put up a united front with your husband or read your husband the riot act.

Either way, if you're not honest with yourself, nothing will change.

So why do you think he’s picking on your son?