Husband and son drama

[podge29]

I will preface this by requesting that anyone who wants to have a dig at blended families or say things like ‘this is what happens if you don’t stay single’ etc just doesn’t comment. I’ve experienced so much prejudice when posting about our family dynamics before and it’s wholly inaccurate and unhelpful. Plus I already feel shit so please don’t stick the boot in.

Ds is 14. Dh and I got together when he was 5. Ds dad still very involved so Dh has always been respectful of boundaries but has loved and supported ds financially, emotionally and practically for 10 years. We have a toddler together and all has been fine. Until about two years ago when ds started high school and started with the usual bullshit and attitude. He can be rude, surly and lazy. But Dh has no patience for it whatsoever and they often argue which is hard as despite his flaws, ds is generally a very good kid with a good nature.

Last night they had a big row which resulted in ds telling Dh to shut up and Dh replying ‘you fucking shut up’. I immediately took ds to another room and we watched a film together. When he’d gone to bed I spoke to Dh and told him it’s absolutely unacceptable to speak like that, he’s the adult, I know ds isn’t perfect but reacting like that just escalates things.

He wouldn’t accept that he was at fault in anyway and basically just launched a tirade of abuse about ds. How he’s lazy, I pander to him, he has no life skills and will end up being a waster. Some of it hit a nerve as I do baby both of my dc a bit but overall I found it unnecessarily cruel. We had a massive row and haven’t spoken since.

There is now a vile atmosphere in the house. I’m so sick of being stuck in the middle, trying to mediate between these two egos. I told Dh that unless things change we will be separating as my dc come first and I can’t live in an environment like this. It isn’t what I want and I would be heartbroken for my toddler. I also don’t have the money to buy my own property so god knows what would happen there.

I expected the teenage years to be difficult but I didn’t expect them to cost me my marriage. The sad thing is I’m certain if it did come to that then my ds would be gutted as he has loved and depended on dh for many years.

I don’t have much money but I do have enough for a travelodge for a couple of nights. I’m wondering if it’s worth just going away with the kids to get out of this atmosphere and give everyone a break.

I would be very interested in experiences for people who have been through this and how it panned out. I’m aware it’s probably just a phase and that bio dads/sons probably clash too. However my dh approach to it and his behaviour last night has really made me see him in a different light and I’m just not sure this is salvageable if he can’t show a bit more patience and maturity.

Why did you reward your son's bad behaviour with a film? It's giving him the wrong message, that every time he treats anyone badly he'll be rewarded.

Remove him from the volatile situation But do not reward him, this is a bad judgement call on your part. He's not going to learn how to treat anybody well if his behaviour isn't dealt with assertively. I think both you and your husband need to go on a parenting course.

Honestly I sympathise completely with you. My stepdad came on scene when I was 10. He was a lovely guy (dead now) but I was a bitch to him as a teenager although like your son I was a good kid and no issues at school etc. I honestly can't tell you why I was like it. Thankfully we got thru it.

I now have a 15 year old son and am a single parent of 2. He is generally an awesome person but sometimes he's a dick. He tells lies (nothing big just minor things if he thinks he'll get in trouble), he needs constant reminding to do anything and his room is a tip. I am sick of being disrespected so after countless warnings I've asked him to go stay with his dad for a bit. He usually does roughly 50/50. His dad claims he's perfectly well behaved there so this seems like a win win for now. I have a disabled 5 year old and at the moment I'm near breaking point.

Your son does come first but honestly unless you feel the behaviour is abusive I'd be tempted to tell them both to wind their necks in and sort it out themselves

Well it can be a mix of both, say you separate separate to your husband what will your sons behaviour like then if you looked at his behaviour on its own you will be dealing with that alone will his behaviour be acceptable then?

Will you be able to cope with all this alone? Not a reason to stay married but is your husband right about your sons behaviour separate to this?

He got rewarded with a movie. It doesn't sound like Op even challenged her son on his behaviour. He's obviously going to grow up thinking he's never in the wrong and there are never consequences to his actions.

I feel for you. Rather than being in the middle, you are actually on the outside of their relationship or dynamic and I think if you see it from this POV it might help you get some perspective and why your DH is so frustrated.

Constantly "prioritising your DCs" makes your DH a second class citizen in his own family.

A person can only take so much if feeling like a second class citizen in their own family.

Talk to your DH. See it from his pov and what he needs.

It's not letting your DC down to not defend them against your DH.

What would happen if you took your DH's side and told your son not to speak to him like that? What do you fear by blindly taking your DCs side?

Prioritise what the family as a whole needs.
This is where family therapy can help as it's a zoomed out, outside view of the family as a whole.

The dynamic of a nurturing mother and a disciplinarian father is quite normal and healthy for children, especially boys.

The above absolutely is gender-stereotyping, @heroinechic . In a healthy family with two parents, both should be capable of fulfilling both roles as required. The idea that discipline is only accepted by men, especially among boys, in incredibly harmful. As a teacher, I assume this attitude is why so many boys ignore the attempts of female to teachers to discipline them and describe us as 'screaming' (never heard a teacher scream, in 20 years) and 'having a scranny,' when they are happy to 'be told,' by a man. It's not helpful and certainly not for boys, who I absolutely do believe require discipline.

I think it sends very mixed messaging to be bantering one minute and want to be seen as a disciplinarian the next, if that's what happened - as I said, I think we need to know more about the row itself, though, as we all know, old grudges and grievances can come into play in various situations anyway.

Ironically in our house is the father who’s ignored while it’s me who can get the eugh teenager to do stuff.

I think with this case the ops dh had quite a few issues he sees with her son on top of the “banter” and other issues. Though banter between a grown ass man and young teenager is often more bullying that actual bants.

I had two older brother, my dad wasn’t their dad. When I was born he started doting on me, my brothers were always in trouble, he took it upon himself to be disciplinarian. My brothers hated him, my mum tried to mediate but they would do things that were bad behaviour, smoking etc but my dad’s reactions to their misbehaviour was OTT. His discipline didn’t help. Neither of my brothers achieved much in life, they left home at 16 and 17 due to his disciplinarian style. They sofa surfed with family and friends and didn’t carry on going to school. I don’t think they’ve ever forgiven my mum for keeping them in that dynamic. Your DH doesn’t need to take on any discipline role, he has a mum and a dad and it’s your job to intervene when he’s being rude to DH

This happens quite a lot in our family (not blended) and is, I think, quite common. And it has certainly caused more than its fair share of arguments in our house - unhelped by dh and ds (also 14) both having adhd, so their filters just don't get applied when they're both riled. 🙄 Dh can behave like a child at times, and ds has begun pointing this out during arguments, which also doesn't help. I often have to play mediator between them both, which is exhausting. It's hard treading the line between not undermining dh, whilst also trying to get him to see where he's been unreasonable. Ironically, ds is much more open to this conversation.

More often than not, I try to bite my tongue when it begins kicking off and instead divert them from each other to de-escalate the situation. You can't have a calm and reasonable conversation with anyone when they're in the midst of heightened emotions. I take issue with dh, calmly, and privately, once the moment has passed and he's receptive to reason. He invariably apologises to ds if he's overstepped the mark. Same with ds. When they go through a bad phase, I encourage them to spend more time together, just one to one, without me and dd. This really does help them because it enables them to see the good in each other while being occupied by a common interest. This is really important in teenage years, because men often find it harder to 'let go' of the control they once had over their child and allow them to develop independence.

I remember googling strategies to help with this kind of scenario. They still argue/ bicker, but not with the same intensity or regularity as before - and there's much more humour and laughter between them on a daily basis.

@podge29 I was going to tell you that teenage years are hard for everyone, blended family has nothing to do with it.

But you wrote: "Dh is old school in the sense he thinks that no child should be speaking to him disrespectfully. My opinion is that you earn respect and he needs to look at his own behaviour."

So your DS can talk to people like shit and tell them to shut up because they haven't earnt his respect ? Sounds batshit crazy. I'm not old school as I'm basically into gentle parenting but with very firm rules : EVERYONE should be respected.

Your DS has had a triple whammy of a new sibling, puberty and starting high school (with all the pressures that involves), hence the surly attitude and laziness. Whilst you need to be supportive, he needs to be guided to understand that his behaviour and attitude is unacceptable, not mollycoddled.

On the flip side, your DH sounds as though he can't handle anything other than exemplary behaviour. He needs to have a better understanding about how teens tick and how to not wind them up further. You all could probably benefit from some family therapy before you throw the towel in. I'm pretty sure neither husband or son wants to be "nagged" or "told what to do" (in their eyes) by you, so some therapy from a third party might help.

It's a hard situation for everyone.

Your ds is at an age where he is testing boundaries and maybe overstepping them at times - not unusual at all during the teenage years. Your DH may have been shocked/ unprepared at the change of your ds's behaviour and reacts by getting angry and retaliating.

I think the only way for this to work is if your DH understands that he is the adult, and that he needs to remain calm and consistent. For him to understand that this is a natural transition of a boy growing up. If your DH reacts with anger to your ds's anger, it will be a never ending cycle. Your DH may on some level feel threatened, but if he understands that you and he are working together on this, he will realise that you and he are still "in charge" (in a loving way, I don't mean in an authoritarian way). You and he can make clear to your ds what the boundaries are in terms of behaviour/ speech etc, and the consequences that will follow if the boundaries are overstepped.

Your ds may need to understand that, although he may not want to stick to someone else's "rules", as long as he is living in your house, there are certain ways of behaving that he needs to stick to. And everyone communicating respectfully with each other is the starting point.

If there is genuine love and respect between the two of them, and you and your DH can work as a team to clarify what your expectations are of everyone's behaviour, I think it can work.

I think during the teenage years it is especially important that the adults be the adults and model good behavior. Teenagers can't regulate their emotions very well and they need limits and enforcement from their parents.

I disagree with your husband's approach. He needs to grow up.

What you've described sounds no different than any other teenage boy and their dad butting heads.

Your son needs to be taught some respect - he's living under the roof of someone who has emotionally and financially supported him for most of his life. Speaking to a parent like that should come with consequences, not 'Movie Night with Mum'.

You say that DH 'winds him up', but I suspect it's simply the fact of him not appreciating constant backchat from a child he's raised with no obligation, and the feeling that you're always siding with your son.

Your son needs to apologise, then your DH can apologise for his choice of words.

@Obvnotthegolden

”What would happen if you took your DH's side and told your son not to speak to him like that? What do you fear by blindly taking your DCs side”.

I wondered the same. Op jumped to dc’s defence, without seeing the bigger picture. Yes, dh did react, but dc was the instigator of the argument. Yes, dc is ‘the child’ in this scenario, but he’s also 14, not 4. Maybe op defending dc (again) was the straw that broke the camels back, and dh came out with all his opinions in the subsequent row, which to date he’s held in check.

I personally think you did exactly the right thing. You removed your son before it escalated. You sat with him whilst he regulated his emotions again - he is a child this is harder than it sounds at his age. You let him know that you didn’t appreciate the way he spoke, but you also told him you are there for him. Therefore not isolating him, and leaving him to feel alone. So all credit to you op.

All teens have their moments, I think you are hyper focusing on the blended element too much. Why is that? You can’t even bring yourself to talk about the impact of the decision, so maybe you feel it has been totally positive, but it may brought many positive aspects you are not considering? Or do you consider it to be a mistake? I have no feelings on the matter, I am just aware it’s a real trigger for you.

In your position op, I would ask dh how committed he was to the family remaining together, and that you would like to see him bonding with ds by doing something together weekly ideally. Your dh and ds need to reestablish a friendship, and to have time to really connect. Dh has been in his life a long time, this can be salvaged, but your dh needs to promise he isn’t going to swear again, and he needs to make some effort to build up a strong relationship with his dss.

I would want them to apologise to each other if possible.

The reason I am a bit defensive of the blended family thing is because I have posted here before about this issue (and other elements of being a blended family) and also seen it many times on other people’s threads. There is a real shitty attitude by some people. Along the lines of even considering to be with another partner after a breakup involving a child is wrong and shows you’re basically selfish and prioritising your sex life over the wellbeing of your kids. I have literally seen that comment over and over here.

People act like these families are somehow lesser and therefore more disposable or that every child from a blended family is doomed to be traumatised or saddled with issues which I know from my own experience growing up is not always the case. I just didn’t need to see that today and thankfully it hasn’t really been like that on this thread.

The fact that there are lots of different opinions gives me some reassurance that it’s not an easy issue to navigate. I know I have played my part in it too by always seeming to side with ds. I have spoken to them both.

@podge29 " I know I have played my part in it too by always seeming to side with ds."
Very mature and good of you OP. I have been guilty of doing the same thing with my boys and their father. What I told my DH is that he goes at them so harshly that my first instinct is to protect them whereas if he would cool down we could tell them off together for not behaving correctly. I got his back when he's acting like a mature adult, when he goes into toddler mode and shouts back my priority is to protect my children.

This really is a common problem with teenage boys and their fathers no matter if it's bio or stepkids. I don't know why you think people have a problem with blended families. Around me I'm the odd one out not being in a blended family.

Just because your children always come first to you doesn’t mean you always have to “side” with them. They can be the most important thing to you and still be in the wrong or need discipline.

The way you’re treating your son is telling your DH he is voiceless and no matter how your teenager acts they will always get away with it. You need to remember that you’re not the only one who has control over this relationship and if he continues to feel unheard he could be the one to walk away.

It is so so tough to raise another persons child and you’re not helping your DH by disregarding his feelings and opinions. Stop babying your children and don’t let them disrespect your DH.

Imvho, you don’t need other people to tell you that your family is lesser or somehow more disposable when you are the person treating it like that. It sounds like you are over-compensating for any harms done by the failure of your relationship with your ds’s father by being over-protective towards your ds and trigger-happy in your threats to leave your dh. Stop acting like your new family is lesser and more disposable if you actually disagree with that sentiment. Let your dh know that you do appreciate the strong bond he has with your ds and that you acknowledge that parenting a teen boy is challenging for both of you. Neither you nor your dh have prior experience of parenting a teen boy, and both of you will get it wrong from time to time.

It is not fair to expect a step-parent to be more perfect than a biological parent. If you both do basically love your ds and have his best interests at heart, you can work this out together. It is not acceptable to swear at your ds (temper issue there, clearly), but nor is it acceptable to threaten to leave your partner every time you and he have an argument about parenting.

Perhaps if you intervene promptly and decisively when ds oversteps your DP would not need to and would be more likely to feel less antagonistic

Entirely this. Struggling with it myself and our teenagers and dh.

I roll my eyes at teens, give them a warning or lock their phone out when attitude appears. Dh seems to take personal affront and turn it into a huge issue