Husband and son drama

[podge29]

I will preface this by requesting that anyone who wants to have a dig at blended families or say things like ‘this is what happens if you don’t stay single’ etc just doesn’t comment. I’ve experienced so much prejudice when posting about our family dynamics before and it’s wholly inaccurate and unhelpful. Plus I already feel shit so please don’t stick the boot in.

Ds is 14. Dh and I got together when he was 5. Ds dad still very involved so Dh has always been respectful of boundaries but has loved and supported ds financially, emotionally and practically for 10 years. We have a toddler together and all has been fine. Until about two years ago when ds started high school and started with the usual bullshit and attitude. He can be rude, surly and lazy. But Dh has no patience for it whatsoever and they often argue which is hard as despite his flaws, ds is generally a very good kid with a good nature.

Last night they had a big row which resulted in ds telling Dh to shut up and Dh replying ‘you fucking shut up’. I immediately took ds to another room and we watched a film together. When he’d gone to bed I spoke to Dh and told him it’s absolutely unacceptable to speak like that, he’s the adult, I know ds isn’t perfect but reacting like that just escalates things.

He wouldn’t accept that he was at fault in anyway and basically just launched a tirade of abuse about ds. How he’s lazy, I pander to him, he has no life skills and will end up being a waster. Some of it hit a nerve as I do baby both of my dc a bit but overall I found it unnecessarily cruel. We had a massive row and haven’t spoken since.

There is now a vile atmosphere in the house. I’m so sick of being stuck in the middle, trying to mediate between these two egos. I told Dh that unless things change we will be separating as my dc come first and I can’t live in an environment like this. It isn’t what I want and I would be heartbroken for my toddler. I also don’t have the money to buy my own property so god knows what would happen there.

I expected the teenage years to be difficult but I didn’t expect them to cost me my marriage. The sad thing is I’m certain if it did come to that then my ds would be gutted as he has loved and depended on dh for many years.

I don’t have much money but I do have enough for a travelodge for a couple of nights. I’m wondering if it’s worth just going away with the kids to get out of this atmosphere and give everyone a break.

I would be very interested in experiences for people who have been through this and how it panned out. I’m aware it’s probably just a phase and that bio dads/sons probably clash too. However my dh approach to it and his behaviour last night has really made me see him in a different light and I’m just not sure this is salvageable if he can’t show a bit more patience and maturity.

Exactly my thoughts. You basically enabled your sons poor behaviour by your response and then lost it on your husband for effectively doing the same things and then to top it off gave your husband an ultimatum.

Both are in the wrong but you clearly took your son’s side which led to the row. If their relationship is as good as you say a simple ‘boys not acceptable. I’m not having that aggression/language in this house’.

OP unfortunately this situation result is of your making. You need to see both sides and not threaten your husband. Think of your other child! Sit then both down and tell them as such.

Also, just because a kid is a teenager doesn’t give them full reign to act disrespectfully etc. I think you need to change your perspective.

Yes. I agree. DH has been a good father to your son.

What’s your beef @pinotnow ?

Ds is punished, told off and for the most part he is a well behaved kid. No other issues with him. Good as gold at school etc.

And then from your OP....

Until about two years ago when ds started high school and started with the usual bullshit and attitude. He can be rude, surly and lazy.

Yes teenage attitude. Not ideal but no issues with school. No fighting or bullying or vaping or anti social behaviour.

He is and always has been fundamentally a good kid but his attitude and disrespect started about two years ago when he started puberty, I don’t think that makes him ‘bad’.

This is so sad. There is no way that I could be with a man who spoke about my child that way. Whether he was my child's father or not. I think your son deserves better than this, OP.

I have not been in your position but I have a very good friend who has (and still is) in a similar situation. My friends children are now in their mid-20's. Friends boyfriend and her son fell out years ago when boyfriend lived with them in her house. The boyfriend and her son did not get along and there was a big row which became physical. Friends boyfriend and son (now in his mid-20's) have not spoken since. Friends son is depressed, angry, unemployed and in therapy. Hates his mother for still being involved with this man.

We are a blended family and I didn’t have problems between DH and SS (not DHs bio child) but I am totally stuck between DH and DD (bio child) now we are once again in the teen years. DS was luckily very good and DD is often not. So whilst this isn’t always a blended family issue, that does inflame everything for everyone involved.

I remain neutral where possible, stand up for one or the other when one is particularly out of order and don’t undermine DH in front of DD (if only he would afford me the same respect on occasion).

Your DH needs to grow up and act like the adult here.

How does ds get on with his dad? How much do they see each other? How about your step dad? Would he benefit from more time with other male role models in his life? Not to try to exclude him from family life but to give more positivity in his relationships. Or even spending more relaxed positive time with your dh. My dc are always quite different and more positive when they spend time one on one.

I think you're confusing "prioritising" your son with babying and mollycoddling him. Pulling him off to watch a film when he's been rude to his step-dad is basically just rewarding his behaviour with your attention.

Your DH can't be that bad of a person if they've had a good relationship for almost 10 years. You say yourself that if you left "ds would be gutted as he has loved and depended on dh for many years."

Are there any other issues in your relationship?

My beef is that the thread is full of people berating and blaming a teen who, the OP herself has said is repeatedly wound up and subjected to banter. I think this is a harmful dynamic as the teen is likely sensitive and insecure, as is often the case, and as the OP also acknowledged. It's annoying that so many posters have ignored the OP's own description of the relationship and have focused on the teen saying 'shut up', which, while rude on the face of it, is a predictable and actually fairly mild response to 'banter,' which we all know can be another word for verbal abuse dressed up in a 'jokey' manner. Obviously the OP hasn't described in detail how the actual argument started - if it was husband: 'take your dishes out please,' Teen: 'shut up,' that's different.

Then you came along and trotted out tired gender stereotypes. I don't agree that boys need 'disciplinarians' and that nurturing is somehow not what boys need, but even if I'm wrong, bantering and needing to be top-dog is not about firm but fair discipline. At all.

I never said he was bad. You said that he was "good as gold with no other issues".

But if he is rude and lazy with a bad attitude then he's not good as gold is he?

I said he was good as gold at school. He reserves his attitude for home.

I'm normally in the LTB camp bit not for this, it just sounds like teenage/parent dynamics that need to be managed proactively rather than reactively.

First, I think you need to step back and let them work out their disagreements. The were both rude and you stepping in the way you did escalated things. No, the swearing from DH wasn't nice, but telling someone to shut up is going to wind anyone up. Your son was bloody rude and instead of getting a telling off, he got a film and learnt that he can wind DH up more because you'll pander to him. BOTH of them needed telling off.

Work on the babying of your son if that hit a nerve, because I think you coddled him after he started a row which undermines yur husband (who also needs to be told off)

Encourage them to spend positive time together e.g. by getting computer game they will both play, DH doing lifts etc.

You say they love eachother like family so there is no need to look at it through any other lens than that of a normal family dealing with teenage dynamics- but do be aware that if your DHs behaviour is genuinely concerning to you, he will be the same with his bio kid and you'll be going through this twice.

Okay so there has been one significant argument between DH and DS and prior to this things have been moving forward ok? I think that you all need to work on the dynamics of the relationship and agree how you interact. Swearing and butting heads is not going to help. If the funding exists I would recommend some family therapy. You can get through this, but it needs work and goodwill on all sides. I would not be listening to anyone who says LTB. The teenage years are always a pressure point.

Little one is absolutely fine.

Your little one is most certainly not fine growing up around all this

I think the only one who thinks they should LTB is the OP!

Everyone else seems to be in the same camp that teen lads and their dads can be a horrible, tense dynamic and these things can happen.

If DSD told me to shut up (which she never would) and DH took her off to watch a film to calm her down I would be absolutely raging.

Your husband’s reaction tells you everything you need to know. He doesn’t like your son, now your son is going through puberty, has the teenage attitude and probably finding it hard to adapt to your DH now having his own biological kid, the dynamic between them has changed. So you have a choice to make, continue as you are, having battles with DH and him slagging off your son, or be prepared to leave, it might seem like an overreaction but if you stay with someone who isn’t kind to your DS, he’ll never truly forgive you.

Teenagers are always going to have an attitude problem. You said he’s a good kid otherwise so I don’t think you DH should be antagonising him, he’s the adult

Having thought about this, what worked for us:

dh and I sat down and had a conversation and agreed some parenting policies.

we basically talked through how to handle various situations.

I said that if we talked though in advance and had an agreed policy I would support him and he agreed he would support me.

we both agreed that if we tried to discipline either of the kids out of policy the other parent didn’t need to back up.

dh at the time for example would get into blazing rows with one or other of the kids and take away all their allowance in 10p increments, which just pissed them off and didn’t resolve things.

so we agreed policy along the lines of:

everyone takes their turn at doing the dishwasher and we record it in a tally on paper on the fridge and if anyone is way behind anyone else we have a short meeting every Sunday to discuss it.

this sort of thing got rid of some of the major flashpoints because dh used to make the teens do the dishwasher at midnight or when they were just about to go out with friends and it was causing massive Rows.

we also agreed that if they (for example) didn’t clean their room when supposed to (they were supposed to clean it once a week, not deep clean just tidy) they’d get money taken off the allowance.

i made clear to dh that I wouldn’t back him up if he swore at the kids and that if he wanted to go beyond what we’d agreed that was fine but I wouldn’t back him up unless we’d discussed it and I said the same applied to me.

so we both needed to stick to what we’d agreed.

he found it very hard, mostly because I think in retrospect he was just a very Angry person.

DS and DH have clashed as DS hit the teen years, its not unusual but I think the fact that your DH is not his Dad does make a difference
Thats not a criticism (which you seem over sensitive to which makes me wonder what else has gone on) but a fact. Step Parents as a general rule don't have the same tolerance for our childrens bad behaviour as actual parents.
Your DH does need to be the adult but he is reacting differently to how most parents would and that need to be addressed.

I told Dh that unless things change we will be separating as my dc come first and I can’t live in an environment like this.
but you have a second child with your DH so really you’re putting your first born and your own needs above your second child if you break up his nuclear family. How can you make that decision, it’s like picking your favourite child. You don’t seem to be considering the impact on second child leaving his dad (or you if you go 50:50 custody) and that is the issue of blended families. Are you going to move onto to husband no 3 and put your (current) youngest through the same. It’s really complicated (sorry I know you said you didn’t want blended families bashing and I’m not wanting to be mean when you’re already clearly struggling but I don’t want to ignore the elephant in the room either).

I did not berate the teen and conceded that the DH didn’t act correctly by swearing. A teenage boy (or girl) displaying challenging behaviour from time to time is entirely normal developmentally. It doesn’t make them a bad kid. It’s important that the behaviour doesn’t go unchecked, though most people have the sense to pick their battles.

I also never said that a teenage boy doesn’t need nurturing, I don’t know where you got that from. I said that mothers and fathers generally meet different needs in a child. This is not gender stereotyping.

The “shut up” occurred during a row and not during banter according to the OP. It’s quite different.

If you honestly don’t believe that teenage boys need discipline I don’t know what else to say.

What kind of ‘banter’ comments is he making to your son that upset him OP? I think it’s important to know this to get a gauge on next steps. Can you give a few examples?