Husband and son drama

[podge29]

I will preface this by requesting that anyone who wants to have a dig at blended families or say things like ‘this is what happens if you don’t stay single’ etc just doesn’t comment. I’ve experienced so much prejudice when posting about our family dynamics before and it’s wholly inaccurate and unhelpful. Plus I already feel shit so please don’t stick the boot in.

Ds is 14. Dh and I got together when he was 5. Ds dad still very involved so Dh has always been respectful of boundaries but has loved and supported ds financially, emotionally and practically for 10 years. We have a toddler together and all has been fine. Until about two years ago when ds started high school and started with the usual bullshit and attitude. He can be rude, surly and lazy. But Dh has no patience for it whatsoever and they often argue which is hard as despite his flaws, ds is generally a very good kid with a good nature.

Last night they had a big row which resulted in ds telling Dh to shut up and Dh replying ‘you fucking shut up’. I immediately took ds to another room and we watched a film together. When he’d gone to bed I spoke to Dh and told him it’s absolutely unacceptable to speak like that, he’s the adult, I know ds isn’t perfect but reacting like that just escalates things.

He wouldn’t accept that he was at fault in anyway and basically just launched a tirade of abuse about ds. How he’s lazy, I pander to him, he has no life skills and will end up being a waster. Some of it hit a nerve as I do baby both of my dc a bit but overall I found it unnecessarily cruel. We had a massive row and haven’t spoken since.

There is now a vile atmosphere in the house. I’m so sick of being stuck in the middle, trying to mediate between these two egos. I told Dh that unless things change we will be separating as my dc come first and I can’t live in an environment like this. It isn’t what I want and I would be heartbroken for my toddler. I also don’t have the money to buy my own property so god knows what would happen there.

I expected the teenage years to be difficult but I didn’t expect them to cost me my marriage. The sad thing is I’m certain if it did come to that then my ds would be gutted as he has loved and depended on dh for many years.

I don’t have much money but I do have enough for a travelodge for a couple of nights. I’m wondering if it’s worth just going away with the kids to get out of this atmosphere and give everyone a break.

I would be very interested in experiences for people who have been through this and how it panned out. I’m aware it’s probably just a phase and that bio dads/sons probably clash too. However my dh approach to it and his behaviour last night has really made me see him in a different light and I’m just not sure this is salvageable if he can’t show a bit more patience and maturity.

You have started multiple threads op about the various extreme difficulties ongoing.

It isn’t prejudice. It’s looking at the facts and thinking WTF… no one would launch a tirade of abuse about my son in my home to me

14 year old lads and their fathers can go at it hammer and tongs sometimes. DH and DS1 clashed so badly at times I wanted to knock their heads together - especially DH, who was supposed to be the adult.

It’s a jockeying for position, DS wanting to argue and best the “top dog” and his father refusing to let him. They certainly involved swearing.

I don’t think I’d have visibly sided with DS for DH replying “you fucking shut up”. That draws very clear lines with you and DS on one side, DH on another. You don’t need to take sides in a “shut up - no you shut up” type argument. It needs diffusing, not entrenching.
I guess I don’t see cussing at a 14yo in an argument as that big a deal - not wise, not mature, but not a dealbreaker.

Talking to DH while he was still pissed off - and after you very clearly made him the one out of step - was bound to result in his litany of grievances. He was feeling got at and on the back foot.

Have a calmer, less emotionally charged talk about how you both handle DS’s outbursts or lack of engagement in future. What’s reasonable? Where are the lines drawn for each of you? What is effective with DS and what only results in a fight?

For my DS, it was never asking him to do something right then. Always give a time frame - I need you to mow the lawn today or tomorrow; sometime this afternoon please carry the clean clothes to the various bedrooms and put them on the beds - and he’d do it no problem but Do This Now would result in a fight.

It’s harder because, as a step parent, “I could kill the little shit” isn’t offset by “I love him more than life” to the same degree.

Teenagers, especially 13-16 year olds, can be infuriating and arsey bastards. My neighbour used to tell my mum it was “a shame we can’t bury them at 12 and dig them up at 17” like a cicada being a pupae for 7 years

Does your partner have children from a previous relationship?

But by taking him off to a different room to watch a film, you did reward his bad behaviour! Your DH was wrong to swear at him but it was in the heat of the moment and how do you think he viewed you ‘rewarding’ your son for his part in it?
They’re both at fault, not just your DH.
But I fear you may be right that this could break your marriage because your DH will get fed up (and probably already is) that you dump all the blame on him and pander to your son.

I wouldn’t say deliberately picking on him but they often engage in a gentle ribbing/male banter type of way. Sometimes Dh misjudges this not realising that ds is at a sensitive, self conscious age. And that’s where arguments begin. I’ve tried to tell Dh to stop this and he does for a while but they slip back into old ways.
Dh is old school in the sense he thinks that no child should be speaking to him disrespectfully. My opinion is that you earn respect and he needs to look at his own behaviour.

No

Can you give a few examples of him 'ribbing' your DS? It will really help give some context to the dynamic between them. What sort of things does he say to him that DS reacts to negatively?

I would tell your dh he is no longer to discipline or reprimand your son. Tbh my dh is stepdad to my dds and in their life a similar time frame but I made the decisions regarding parenting and he followed my lead.

it is your husband’s behaviour that’s the issue

The op isn’t pandering to her son
she is trying to make her son feel like he has an ally against a man who is very open about his disdain for the boy

@podge29 you know what you have to do here.

Your first priority is your DS and so if DH can’t control his behaviour, you will have to split. It’s entirely possible he will be exactly the same with your younger child. I am not bashing you for having a blended family.

The problem here is your DH who has an immature and unpleasant side to his character that you have seen in the past two years (since you had your child with him?)

I would get legal advice so I knew what my options were and take it from there.

Can't believe everyone defending the man here. OP said from the start he had 'no patience' with ds, and has now clarified further that he engages in 'male banter'. This is really not helpful and it does sound more than understandable that ds told him to 'shut up' initially. I think it would be interesting to hear more about the original argument.

Get your husband to talk to someone else about how to manage DS. Maybe your stepdad would be a good shout.

Don’t present this as a him or DS scenario, or a ‘teaching him to do better’ situation.

This is a ‘how do we change the dynamic, because we are the adults, and if we don’t our family will break up.’

I’ve experienced so much prejudice when posting about our family dynamics before

probably best to detail a bit here op (I remember a couple of your threads) because there is quite a bit more to all this and if you want helpful advice, probably best to include

What exactly do think your DH should be doing to earn the respect of a teen boy?

Beyond all the things he does now of making sure he is fed, housed, clothed, has an education, has leisure activities, is cared for when he is sick, spends time with him, hears about his interests etc etc...

In return what has your DS done to earn respect? Probably not a lot as he is too young.

The whole earn respect thing doesn't really work when one party is a child.

I don't think you should end your marriage just because your husband swore once at a very rude teenager, who probably gets worse from his mates at school on a daily basis.

The younger child in all this must feel like they’re walking on egg shells

Op has the school been in contact about your son?

I agree that it's not so much the blending that's caused this. Its pretty normal between men and their teenage sons. Particularly when the men are kinda nobheads anyway. DP and his dad used to physically fight. Which actually only stopped when DP broke his dad's arm. His dad used to hit him, DP started fighting back.

You say your DH winds your son up. Your son is fighting back. Imo they need to get through this bit and start treating eachother like men they respect and start acting like respectable men.

This! ⬆️

Unless there's a lot more going on here that you're not telling us, it was an ill advised retort by your husband, in the heat of the moment, after being disrespected by your son. Don't over-react.

It happens in families with teenagers up & down the land - step & biological.

Your problem is as much with your son as your husband - you effectively rewarded his poor behaviour. You should have allowed them to be apart, calm down & then talked it through together.

It may be relatively normal for teenagers to push back, but you still need boundaries & expectations around their behaviour - your son needs to make some effort to at least be respectful.

The teenage years are tough and even tougher when the teenager in question isn’t actually your own flesh and blood.

I think some posters are jumping the gun telling you to leave your DH and saying how awful he is.

It’s extremely frustrating to witness someone parent their child not in the best way and have to just shut up and deal with it. You’ve said yourself that you baby your children and that when your son told your DH to shut up you took him In the other room to watch a film! This behaviour is letting your son know that what he’s doing is ok and that he doesn’t need to have respect for your partner.

Your DH has stepped up to the plate, helped raise your child and supported you and your son financially and emotionally for years. I would be sitting down with him 1-on-1 asking him what issues with your parenting/the house hold he’s really not happy with and look at a plan to change things.

You’re doing yourself no favours by babying your teenage son and if you don’t stop he’ll grow into an entitled rude grown up.

No? Why would they?

Exactly. I've been in the DH's position here, when our daughter was a teenager, and it strikes me that the problem is likely far deeper than this argument.

Basically, the DS has realised that he has more authority in the house than the DH, because the OP will always support and reward him for his behaviour in any conflict - or at the very least treat DH and DS as equals.

Yes yes, there's the usual MN trope of "men are just childish", but think about it seriously for a moment - if this has been going on for long enough that the DS is willing to be open about it, it's also been going on for long enough that the "you fucking shut up" was actually the DH finally having been poked enough to snap.

It's a stone's throw from "You're not my dad, you can't tell me what to do!", and that's an almost irrevocable breakdown of the relationship which will inevitably lead to a breakup of the family because the OP, having picked one side in every minor conflict for years, will have to pick one that's final.

So the husband winding ds up and subjecting him to banter is fine and ds should respect him for that? Ok.

Just a feeling

So he’s thriving at school?

What’s the atmosphere like at home?

How on earth is your little one coping?