Husband and son drama

[podge29]

I will preface this by requesting that anyone who wants to have a dig at blended families or say things like ‘this is what happens if you don’t stay single’ etc just doesn’t comment. I’ve experienced so much prejudice when posting about our family dynamics before and it’s wholly inaccurate and unhelpful. Plus I already feel shit so please don’t stick the boot in.

Ds is 14. Dh and I got together when he was 5. Ds dad still very involved so Dh has always been respectful of boundaries but has loved and supported ds financially, emotionally and practically for 10 years. We have a toddler together and all has been fine. Until about two years ago when ds started high school and started with the usual bullshit and attitude. He can be rude, surly and lazy. But Dh has no patience for it whatsoever and they often argue which is hard as despite his flaws, ds is generally a very good kid with a good nature.

Last night they had a big row which resulted in ds telling Dh to shut up and Dh replying ‘you fucking shut up’. I immediately took ds to another room and we watched a film together. When he’d gone to bed I spoke to Dh and told him it’s absolutely unacceptable to speak like that, he’s the adult, I know ds isn’t perfect but reacting like that just escalates things.

He wouldn’t accept that he was at fault in anyway and basically just launched a tirade of abuse about ds. How he’s lazy, I pander to him, he has no life skills and will end up being a waster. Some of it hit a nerve as I do baby both of my dc a bit but overall I found it unnecessarily cruel. We had a massive row and haven’t spoken since.

There is now a vile atmosphere in the house. I’m so sick of being stuck in the middle, trying to mediate between these two egos. I told Dh that unless things change we will be separating as my dc come first and I can’t live in an environment like this. It isn’t what I want and I would be heartbroken for my toddler. I also don’t have the money to buy my own property so god knows what would happen there.

I expected the teenage years to be difficult but I didn’t expect them to cost me my marriage. The sad thing is I’m certain if it did come to that then my ds would be gutted as he has loved and depended on dh for many years.

I don’t have much money but I do have enough for a travelodge for a couple of nights. I’m wondering if it’s worth just going away with the kids to get out of this atmosphere and give everyone a break.

I would be very interested in experiences for people who have been through this and how it panned out. I’m aware it’s probably just a phase and that bio dads/sons probably clash too. However my dh approach to it and his behaviour last night has really made me see him in a different light and I’m just not sure this is salvageable if he can’t show a bit more patience and maturity.

This is a young teen boy
versus a fully fledged adult man

and the dh winds him up
and launched a tirade of abuse about him to his mother presumably in full ear shot of the boy

twat

Both were in the wrong here, ds shouldn't have said shut up and dh shouldn't have retaliated(but it's so damn hard at times with mouthy teenager) but you sided with your ds by giving him 1-1 time, watching a movie.

For me that's rewarding bad behaviour.

If either of my teens had told dh(who is their dad) to shut up then they would have been spokent to and sent to their room!

I haven't read the full thread yet but I was your son, except I was a 7 year old little girl who's mother never stuck up for her against her bully of a step dad. I'm now 36 and having EMDR therapy. Sorry to be blunt, but that's just the reality of it.

I agree with this.
Your DH shouldn’t have lost his temper and sworn, but it was rude of your son to tell him to shut up. Your DH isn’t the only one in the wrong here. There are clearly issues with your DS and possibly the way you have raised/babied him (which you admit) and your husband obviously has genuine concerns about him and his future.

The husband always gets the blame in these situations, but let’s not forget that some children/teens can be absolutely vile when they want to be and occasionally people snap and say things they shouldn’t.

Have a good think and be truthful with yourself. Are there elements of your son’s lifestyle/attitude/behaviour that concern you? Do you have worries about him at school/for his future?
If the answer is yes, then maybe your husband has got a point.

I think DH has earned respect by being the husband and stepfather that you described in your OP, he has loved and supported your son like his own for 10 years. What more do you want? Does he speak to his father like that and if he does, what are the consequences?
Also, you acknowledge that you baby both of your children - time to stop.

Yes very much so.
Little one is absolutely fine.
I think you are confusing me with another poster. I have posted about ds and dh not getting along before because as I said in my op, this sort of dynamic has been going on for a few years. They row then they’re fine then they row again. But there is nothing more to it, no other details, no issues with school and no effect on the younger child.

Op not all teens are shitbags like yours. Many, MANY are respectful, considerate and decent. Why did you take your son to watch a movie when he was behaving so badly.
I would have blasted him for speaking like that in the first place. I actually don’t blame your dh for retorting back. He has spent 10 years supporting a child who isn’t his and he gets such disrespect back. A shit teen often becomes a useless young adult too.
he’s rude and lazy- stop excusing it as ‘teen behaviour’ . That’s a pathetic excuse, address it and place consequences.

I’m not
it’s identical to the threads I’m thinking of
and you stormed off in them saying you were disgusted at the prejudice towards blended families

you allude to other issues, so I’m suggesting you maybe provide a little detail here because there’s quite a lot of other examples and it will help with advice I imagine if posters know more of what has been going on

It was an argument. Your DS shouldn’t have told your DH to shut up and your DH shouldn’t have sworn back at him. It does sound like you rewarded your DS though by putting on a film to watch together, I appreciate you wanted to remove him from the situation but what was his consequence for speaking to DH like that? You describe your son as rude, surly and lazy as if that’s no big deal. What are you doing to counteract that attitude?

You openly admit you baby and pander to both of your sons, honestly you are doing your teen no favours if that is the case! Maybe your DH is getting frustrated with good reason, yes he is the adult and does need to act like one but your DS is not a toddler anymore and doesn’t need to be babied and also needs to learn how to act so that when he is an adult he isn’t behaving like your DH! How do you think your DS will act when he is an adult man if when he acts like this now it gets ignored and rewarded, all blame on DH and your DS continues to be babied? A teen is not a baby and whilst the level of responsibility on him to manage his behaviour and regulate himself during disagreements is not the same as it should be for an adult he does need to start taking some responsibility for how he conducts himself.

If it hit a nerve when your DH said DS is lazy because you know you baby him then this sounds like a conversation you need to have with DH when you are both calm so that you can come to a reasonable agreement regarding what should be expected of DS now he is a teen, you absolutely shouldn’t be babying him especially if you want him to grow up into a mature adult. Right now it sounds like you are creating a manchild who will be a nightmare for his future partner.

I agree that it does sound six of one half a dozen of the other, your husband is the adult so should not be engaging in banter with a teenager or winding him up, likewise your son shouldn’t be telling his step dad to shut up.

I think that a lot of this stems from you both not agreeing on how to parent him, you obviously have very different parenting styles. I think you need to have a discussion with your DH and try to agree on some changes you both can make in your parenting so you can meet more in the middle. He needs to stop the banter that winds your son up and you need to stop babying him.

OP, what would you do if your husband was your son's actual dad, not stepfather? I don't think you'd be so keen to walk away. You'd stay together and make it work as a family - especially as both of them are in the wrong. So that's what you do - I think the "stepdad" thing is an unnecessary distraction.

Conflicts happen in families, blended or otherwise. The teenage years can be hard. As a pp said it can be the deep love you have for the biological child that can pull you through. That's why blended families can find it so hard.
Unfortunately I agree with many posters above, it does sound like you rewarded your son for bad behaviour. Your son will now feel that he "won".
The argument itself sounds like a nothing argument. Two people shouting shut up at each other, even if one swore, is hardly major and it sounds like a huge over-reaction to contemplate splitting a family over.
How I used to deal with these type of conflicts was to shout at them both to stop. Tell ds to go play Xbox or something in his room, tell DH to go watch TV or whatever and then I would remove myself from both of them.
When I had calmed down there would be a discussion with DH about he shouldn't let ds wind him up, that he's the adult and, in this case, that swearing is not acceptable. There would be a discussion with ds about respect, language and responsibilities. Neither would be left in any doubt that their behaviour was unacceptable and would not be tolerated.
In a couple of hours it would have blown over and by the next morning it would be forgotten about. In a couple of days they would be joking together about me putting them both on the naughty step and then the cycle would start again. I would never have contemplated splitting our family over this.
It's a fact of life that not all families get on with or like each other. The teen years are where your children learn to become adult. You try and teach them how to negotiate conflict the best you can but you also have to teach them that they have to take responsibility for their own actions and that you won't always intervene.
If you split your family up over this your ds will blame himself. That's a huge burden for a child.

Families row.

Your DH was wrong for swearing.
Your were wrong for rewarding your DS.

DS is sent to his room. Conversation with the adult about their behaviour.

I think you need to talk calmly with DH about your family rules. If you can agree some then talk to DS.

Teens are challenging. You need to be united in the way you parent.

If he was your DP biological son you would need to still be united as parents. It sounds like you are taking your DC side in everything.

I’m a bit confused about the relevance of you being a blended family. Are you saying you are considering leaving because he is not your ds’s dad, which is what makes his behaviour towards your ds particularly unacceptable? Or are you saying you would leave your dh for behaving like this towards his own biological child?

This. It would be different if you'd been together a few months but your husband has been a "father figure" in your sons life for almost 10 years. You don't just end a relationship over it.

I don't actually think it's to do with being a step-parent. Me and my mum were at each others throats for most of my teen years - not something I'm proud of! But teen girls and their mums (and likewise, teen boys and their dads / step-dads) can be a bloody awful dynamic at times.

I agree with the fact that your son shouldn't have told your DH to shut up and should have been punished for that. Then you speak to your DH separately.

I have a 12 year old and lots of teens I know, friends children, those at church, etc and none of them are rude enough to be speaking to an adult like your teen.
I know the adult here should not have responded but I don’t know or understand how parents bring up children who are rude, obnoxious, out of order and in short, little shits and still defend them as ‘typical teen’
Your DH was out of order for responding but I would have ended the marriage a long time ago before I’m being disrespected in my own house by a step son or daughter.

No, you will be what ends up costing the family unit.

You're blaming your partner massively unfairly, and coddling your son.

I wrote my reply thinking I would be in the minority then have read back and thankfully most people are of the same opinion.

Last night they had a big row which resulted in ds telling Dh to shut up and Dh replying ‘you fucking shut up’. I immediately took ds to another room and we watched a film together.

This is such bad parenting. Your teenage son told his parent (step or not) to shut up and you have rewarded him by taking him to watch a film together?! If my DSD told me to shut up my DH would give her an absolute bollocking for speaking to an adult like that. Not go and mollycoddle her.

Your husband is spot on in saying you pander to him.

Oh my gosh - the teen told the man, who has no patience, to shut up after being wound up and subjected to banter. How is that all on the teen?

This isn’t a blended family issue.

we had this and we were whatever you call a not blended family (biological family? Anyway, we were both bio parents).

ds and dh had a few very very tricky years. When dh was a teen he’d also had many many rows with his dad.

it was really really horrible. I’m not sure I have any advice.

ours got physical, until the point dh charged at DS and DS kicked him in the balls and moved out to his girlfriends for three weeks.

dh didn’t dare get physical after that.

can’t say their relationship ever really recovered. Dh (now ExH for fairly obvious reasons) still thinks he is dad of the year.

I don’t agree with most of the posters here. Yes DH was absolutely wrong for swearing and is also wrong for winding DS up generally, however, he has been a parental figure to DS for 10 years now and his insight is valuable. You admit that you baby your children. The dynamic of a nurturing mother and a disciplinarian father is quite normal and healthy for children, especially boys.

This is not to say that lone parents don't do a fantastic job because I know they do, but it’s well documented that mothers and fathers meet different needs in children and I know he isn’t the child’s father, but the child likely can’t remember a time when he wasn’t around in that role. It’s important that when your DS displays challenging behaviour, it is met with resistance.

You say that respect has to be earned, do you not think your partner has earned respect after spending 10 years emotionally, financially and practically supporting your son? Is he not allowed to vent his frustration when your son acts out?

I think the dynamic is tough because you have enabled him to take on this role by accepting all of this support from him towards your son, but you are not letting him express his frustrations or discipline your son effectively.

Can you have a conversation with him about how you can agree to disciplining both your son and your joint child in the future? What you find acceptable and unacceptable bearing in mind that ultimately your role as parents is to foster confidence and not diminish it?

No I probably wouldn’t. I think it comes from a place of me always wanting to prioritise my dc and being very protective of them, especially ds who had a rough start with me and his dad splitting when he was quite small.

I have handled things badly. I haven’t been as tough as I should have been. But it’s very frustrating when you try to speak to them both reasonably and neither change their behaviour.

I've been the toddler in a blended family with older teens, and believe me, I was well aware of the tensions between the adults and near-adults (to a 3yo, a 15yo is another adult).

You need to find a route that works for a family of four. I wouldn't get picky about respect from teens, because they can't possibly actually understand the responsibilities of an adult as a provider. You need a lot of patience in that regard.

What you can expect is decent behaviour, even if they don't inherently understand why you might warrant the underlying respect.

It's a really hard balance to strike, so no judgement that you currently find it hard. But you do need to sit down away from the pressures of the teen and the toddler and work out a shared approach.

I don’t agree with most of the posters here. Yes DH was absolutely wrong for swearing and is also wrong for winding DS up generally, however, he has been a parental figure to DS for 10 years now and his insight is valuable. You admit that you baby your children. The dynamic of a nurturing mother and a disciplinarian father is quite normal and healthy for children, especially boys.
This is not to say that lone parents don't do a fantastic job because I know they do, but it’s well documented that mothers and fathers meet different needs in children and I know he isn’t the child’s father, but the child likely can’t remember a time when he wasn’t around in that role. It’s important that when your DS displays challenging behaviour, it is met with resistance.

What the fuck?

Oh wow, I could have written this a few years ago!
My now exh was like this with my teenagers. Pig headed, stubborn and never backed down in an argument. It eventually led to the end of our marriage.
He was absolutely wonderful with my boys until the teenage years hit and we had our own baby.
My advice and sorry to be blunt, get out now. It will not improve no matter how much you beg or ask for the behaviour to change.
You have to put the children first, always!
My boys (adults now) were so much happier the day he moved out. ExH still blames me and them for the split.