To be in Limerence in my early 40s

[Dreamingi]

Limerence
aka an infatuation or really intense crush

I’ve never felt anything like it and I’m
constantly looking for signs he likes me back and waiting for communication from him.
friends and colleagues tell me he likes me too
I’m not so sure

I know I need to get over this but it’s all consuming
has anyone else had this?
no spiteful comments please

PS I see you’re an NHS’er too - work relationships can be tricky so that’s maybe why he is giving mixed messages

Yes at 36

He’s a few years older

It’s a balls ye work together..
Would you join a dating site ? try forget this guy

Not being spiteful at all, but have you seen the thread on classics about "the ick?" Sounds like a good dose of the ick would cure you of this affliction, cos I know it's awful

Ahhh it’s a mess
I’m only confusing myself
best left alone judging by these replies

Yes!!

20 years ago a good friend told me we would never be anything more than friends. It was obvious there was a mutual attraction and a very good friendship. 5 year after that we got together it wasn’t forced just happened naturally and we still together married with sprogs. Maybe it just not the right time for him considering what he’s been through with his ex wife.

There’s so many different perspectives, examples, experiences of the same situation out there ..
I forget that sometimes..

There’s lots of perspectives
for now it’s best to just take it as uninterested
if he is im sure he’ll make it clear when I back off
xx

It is the exact age where your clock is ticking and instead of feeling broody because you have no companion your hormones are instead trying to get you someone to mate with and have a baby. Like being broody you could try and ignore it if you don’t want to go down that path but otherwise why not indulge it and have a baby you only live once and the clock is ticking.

I have children.

I’m going to try that 5-4-3-2-1 , nope , get lost when i experience those down & out feelings ( quite a bit 😔 ) due to Perimenopause ..
I hope it works for me 🤞
Thanks 🙂

@hestkuk despite all evidence to the contrary, you keep persuading yourself that he's interested and looking for little signs and analyzing every little thing that happens.

I would say there are some mixed messages going on. He's said he just wants to be friends but shares everything with her, is inviting her to his house for dinner and being touchy feely. He's not necessarily doing it with an ulterior motive in mind but it's still confusing.

So I don't think it's that surprising that people can get a bit obsessive about it, especially when you have to work with that person. The feelings OP has described are pretty normal in an are they/aren't they situation.

That said, I have learnt it is simplest to take people at face value. He may have feelings for OP or he may not, but it's irrelevant unless he acts on them so there's no point wasting energy on trying to figure it out. I would personally start to mentally distance myself and picture him in unflattering lights. The 'what disgusting things do you do' thread would offer some inspiration.

Hello, I don’t want to hijack the thread but this has been such an eye opener for me and I am now currently listening to the Smitten audiobook. Thank you to whoever posted about the guardian article.

Do you know why he's not still married? If he cheated, it would hopefully help you to go off him.

I think you need to show you are dating other men.

Advantage is that you will hopefully meet a fully emotionally available person you can grow to love. And I bet, before you even do that, your 'friend' will suddenly realise there is competition - if this happens take great note, because the scales may just fall from your eyes very naturally allowing you to move on (if that is what you ultimately decide). All best, not an easy situation, he is obviously dealing with a lot of hurt and mistrust.

Know how hard limerance is.
My experience is when a straight man is interested he’ll make it known. Move emotionally away from this guy. Focus on you only for 3 weeks. Your feelings for him will diminish. Trust me X

No she did with a family member of his

It’s so difficult to navigate isn’t it
xx

a while ago after a few signs I suggested something and he said he just wanted to be friends

please, please, take him at his word. He's told you loud and clear he just wants to be friends, which is the oldest put-down ever known.

if he wanted to be with you there is nothing stopping you if you're both single. So it must mean he's made his decision,

if you keep trying to make him change his mind, you'll lose your dignity. Walk away with your head held high (even if inside your own head). Don't let him mess with your feelings!

Hate to say it op but it sounds as if he likes the attention and is rather unkindly “stoking your fire” because he enjoys knowing you fancy him. Being brutally honest, I think if he really liked you, he wouldn’t have turned down a suggestion from you. Men don’t tend to be massively coy unless terrified of rejection - which he obviously isn’t if you’ve suggested something.

Sorry to say that BUT on the bright side accepting he isn’t interested often “cures” limerance. Limerance feeds on the uncertainty and mixed messages. He’s picking up on that - either consciously or subconsciously- and prolonging your feelings. It’s actually not very nice of him.

All that aside, limerance seens very common in early 40’s. I have heard it suggested that at that life stage “ the heart is willing but the flesh is weak.” In other words you like the idea but not enough to jump into bed with someone horny and ready to go. You’ve subliminally picked someone you know won’t tango because actually it’s the flirting and the romantic wondering that interests you more than the sweaty deed.

Never at any point have I tried to make him change his mind.

I think your bio clock doesn’t always know that though.

My bladder certainly does 🤪😂

Many, many bits of me are very aware!