Page 3 | To be in Limerence in my early 40s

Dreamingi · 2025-04-14T19:41:42+00:00

Limerence aka an infatuation or really intense crush I’ve never felt anything like it and I’m constantly looking for signs he likes me back and waiting for communication from him. friends and colleagues tell me he likes me too I’m not so sure I know I need to get over this but it’s all consuming has anyone else had this? no spiteful comments please

EmmaWoodhouseOfHighbury · 14/04/2025 21:30

SpookyMcTaggart · 14/04/2025 20:58

Not sure if "limerance" isn't just a fancy word for normal human experiences like falling in love, fancying someone, having a crush, being a bit obsessed with someone, etc.

If neither of you are married, then I say go for it and enjoy!

Yes it's just a pathologised crush....can't have a normal human feeling these days without it being pathologised. It's probably in the DSM...

Original poster

Dreamingi · 14/04/2025 21:31

Laiste · 14/04/2025 21:29

Does he have other female friends from work close enough to be asking back to his for dinner?

Is he a 'ladie's man'? Sits/chats easily with women. Or more of a man's man? (if that makes sense?!)

no only me

he’s neither
he’s quite moody
he only really talks to me without seeming under duress

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Original poster

Dreamingi · 14/04/2025 21:32

EmmaWoodhouseOfHighbury · 14/04/2025 21:30

Yes it's just a pathologised crush....can't have a normal human feeling these days without it being pathologised. It's probably in the DSM...

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To be honest I’m medical and have to agree

normal human emotions
I suppose this just threw me
so I googled….

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Pigeonqueen · 14/04/2025 21:33

I’m the same age as you and the way you talk about yourself it’s like you’re ancient! (And even if you were, life is for living)! You’re 44, it’s not old, maybe this is the sign you need that you need to date?? Maybe not this man if he’s told you already he’s not keen but get out there and date some people. You’ve got a long life ahead of you (hopefully, and I don’t mean to be insensitive about you being a widow) but please don’t speak so badly of yourself at 44.

hestkuk · 14/04/2025 21:34

But here’s the thing a while ago after a few signs I suggested something and he said he just wanted to be friends

Well that's the end of that then.

And this is where you can see that it's tipped over into "limerance" rather than just being a crush. Lots of Mumsnetters hate the word limerance and say it's just a crush but I think it's used to describe something beyond that. It's when the thoughts become obsessive and when, despite all evidence to the contrary, you keep persuading yourself that he's interested and looking for little signs and analyzing every little thing that happens.
And then it's hard to accept that nothing is going to happen because you're almost in a relationship with them in your head even though they've made clear they aren't interested as in your case he said he just wanted to be friends.

I had this for three years with a friend from a "hobby". This was also in my early 40s and I think that it had something to do with surging hormones before perimenopause really started to kick in and I have OCD too.
The guy obviously wasn't interested. He's never had a girlfriend in his life, never had a boyfriend either, is probably asexual or gay and whatever his sexuality he's not interested in having a partner, never had one. However, in my limerant state I managed to convince myself that the feelings were mutual.
Nope.

It wore off eventually and since then I haven't been interested in anyone. Sex drive has fallen off a cliff.

Original poster

Dreamingi · 14/04/2025 21:35

Pigeonqueen · 14/04/2025 21:33

I’m the same age as you and the way you talk about yourself it’s like you’re ancient! (And even if you were, life is for living)! You’re 44, it’s not old, maybe this is the sign you need that you need to date?? Maybe not this man if he’s told you already he’s not keen but get out there and date some people. You’ve got a long life ahead of you (hopefully, and I don’t mean to be insensitive about you being a widow) but please don’t speak so badly of yourself at 44.

thankyou

sorry if I’ve offended
in just meant it’s like a teenage thing not a grown woman with daughters herself!

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QueefQueen80s · 14/04/2025 21:35

Why does being in your 40s matter? We can feel anything at any age

Original poster

Dreamingi · 14/04/2025 21:36

hestkuk · 14/04/2025 21:34

But here’s the thing a while ago after a few signs I suggested something and he said he just wanted to be friends

Well that's the end of that then.

And this is where you can see that it's tipped over into "limerance" rather than just being a crush. Lots of Mumsnetters hate the word limerance and say it's just a crush but I think it's used to describe something beyond that. It's when the thoughts become obsessive and when, despite all evidence to the contrary, you keep persuading yourself that he's interested and looking for little signs and analyzing every little thing that happens.
And then it's hard to accept that nothing is going to happen because you're almost in a relationship with them in your head even though they've made clear they aren't interested as in your case he said he just wanted to be friends.

I had this for three years with a friend from a "hobby". This was also in my early 40s and I think that it had something to do with surging hormones before perimenopause really started to kick in and I have OCD too.
The guy obviously wasn't interested. He's never had a girlfriend in his life, never had a boyfriend either, is probably asexual or gay and whatever his sexuality he's not interested in having a partner, never had one. However, in my limerant state I managed to convince myself that the feelings were mutual.
Nope.

It wore off eventually and since then I haven't been interested in anyone. Sex drive has fallen off a cliff.

Thankyou for sharing

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Laiste · 14/04/2025 21:37

Well, you know, i suppose the best and quickest way to know for sure is to have another chat with him. About going on a date.

It's straying into being a pain in the arse territory (if a woman told a man she only wants to be friends and he asked again, he'd be seen as pestering) but maybe a good solid, rather embarrassing brush off from him would help you stop feeling like this about him.

Harsh but would prob nip it in the bud ...

CallmeJim · 14/04/2025 21:37

Girl you are 44, your crush is telling you that you need to consider dating now even if it’s not this chap.
You are too young to not enjoy yourself! Download tinder and take a selfie. You’re in your early 40s, it’s no age these days and if he doesn’t want more than friends he’s showing you that you're ready to be more than friends with someone. Once you’ve gotten out there you’ll forget about the moody arse xx

Pigeonqueen · 14/04/2025 21:37

Dreamingi · 14/04/2025 21:35

thankyou

sorry if I’ve offended
in just meant it’s like a teenage thing not a grown woman with daughters herself!

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I’m not offended, just felt a bit sorry for you that you can’t enjoy it really! My Mum dated right up to her 70s, she was always like a teenager when she liked someone, it’s fun.

Original poster

Dreamingi · 14/04/2025 21:38

Pigeonqueen · 14/04/2025 21:37

I’m not offended, just felt a bit sorry for you that you can’t enjoy it really! My Mum dated right up to her 70s, she was always like a teenager when she liked someone, it’s fun.

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She sounds like she was great fun xx

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Original poster

Dreamingi · 14/04/2025 21:49

Chocoholicnightmare · 14/04/2025 21:04

Perhaps it's been a while since you've felt attracted to someone and it's all a bit overwhelming (but how exciting for you!). I'd suggest you try and become friends with this person, as in smile/make conversation (and don't be weird). It will kill a bit of the mystery and hopefully bring you down to earth a bit. There's a high chance they like you too, and if so, there's no big rush. Get to know them (how exciting!)

I do know him
he shares everything with me

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QueefQueen80s · 14/04/2025 21:49

CallmeJim · 14/04/2025 21:37

Girl you are 44, your crush is telling you that you need to consider dating now even if it’s not this chap.
You are too young to not enjoy yourself! Download tinder and take a selfie. You’re in your early 40s, it’s no age these days and if he doesn’t want more than friends he’s showing you that you're ready to be more than friends with someone. Once you’ve gotten out there you’ll forget about the moody arse xx

Exactly

QueefQueen80s · 14/04/2025 21:50

Pigeonqueen · 14/04/2025 21:37

I’m not offended, just felt a bit sorry for you that you can’t enjoy it really! My Mum dated right up to her 70s, she was always like a teenager when she liked someone, it’s fun.

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My mum was the same, I don’t understand when people think it’s over in their 40s. People can date and have crushes at any age

findingnibbles · 14/04/2025 21:54

I put YABU for using the phrase limerance

Original poster

Dreamingi · 14/04/2025 21:55

Laiste · 14/04/2025 21:37

Well, you know, i suppose the best and quickest way to know for sure is to have another chat with him. About going on a date.

It's straying into being a pain in the arse territory (if a woman told a man she only wants to be friends and he asked again, he'd be seen as pestering) but maybe a good solid, rather embarrassing brush off from him would help you stop feeling like this about him.

Harsh but would prob nip it in the bud ...

Yeah I know and that’s the last thing I want
I try to not text but if I don’t make contact he will
colleagues making comments doesn’t help too

I would never want to be a pain.

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SummerDaysOnTheWay · 14/04/2025 21:56

So you just fancy someone then.

Original poster

Dreamingi · 14/04/2025 21:56

SummerDaysOnTheWay · 14/04/2025 21:56

So you just fancy someone then.

Yes turbo charged

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Original poster

Dreamingi · 14/04/2025 21:57

findingnibbles · 14/04/2025 21:54

I put YABU for using the phrase limerance

I would for the word nibbles too …. ☺️

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Dutchhouse14 · 14/04/2025 22:13

I think you can get an hormonal Surge in early 40s a bit like a teenager, a last hurrah before menopause hits!
No harm in just fantasising if there's no viable chance of a real relationship.
It will burn itself out eventually.

Original poster

Dreamingi · 14/04/2025 22:20

Dutchhouse14 · 14/04/2025 22:13

I think you can get an hormonal Surge in early 40s a bit like a teenager, a last hurrah before menopause hits!
No harm in just fantasising if there's no viable chance of a real relationship.
It will burn itself out eventually.

Yes to be honest I think I’m just horny.
for want of a better word.

he touches my arms when talking to me etc which only makes it worse……

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SolielMoonSky · 14/04/2025 22:50

If it’s really obsessive (ie you really want to stop thinking about it but you can’t like it’s playing on a loop inside your head and you just want it to stop, it’s making you unhappy, you lose sleep over it, it feels like your brain itches and you can’t get any relief): antidepressants- ones that are good for ocd (sertraline/ paroxetine/ lexapro etc)
I am on Venlafaxine and mirtazapine, that works. Get regular sleep and plenty of it too. Try to remember you are fixated on the feeling and not the actual person. Avoid him as much as possible. It will pass eventually. Look at what it tells you is missing from your life (intimacy/ affection / attention?) and then use that to improve your life.

HouseCaptain · 14/04/2025 22:58

Is limerence the best bit? It’s all a bit disappointing thereafter.

Original poster

Dreamingi · 14/04/2025 23:01

SolielMoonSky · 14/04/2025 22:50

If it’s really obsessive (ie you really want to stop thinking about it but you can’t like it’s playing on a loop inside your head and you just want it to stop, it’s making you unhappy, you lose sleep over it, it feels like your brain itches and you can’t get any relief): antidepressants- ones that are good for ocd (sertraline/ paroxetine/ lexapro etc)
I am on Venlafaxine and mirtazapine, that works. Get regular sleep and plenty of it too. Try to remember you are fixated on the feeling and not the actual person. Avoid him as much as possible. It will pass eventually. Look at what it tells you is missing from your life (intimacy/ affection / attention?) and then use that to improve your life.

So so helpful
thankyou x

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