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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be in Limerence in my early 40s

142 replies

Dreamingi · 14/04/2025 20:41

Limerence
aka an infatuation or really intense crush

I’ve never felt anything like it and I’m
constantly looking for signs he likes me back and waiting for communication from him.
friends and colleagues tell me he likes me too
I’m not so sure

I know I need to get over this but it’s all consuming
has anyone else had this?
no spiteful comments please

OP posts:
Mercedes45 · 14/04/2025 23:03

Dreamingi · 14/04/2025 21:03

But here’s the thing
a while ago after a few signs I suggested something and he said he just wanted to be friends

but he doesn’t act as if he does
others have picked up on it and say he ‘fancies’ me
in not so sure

it’s all a bit silly and childish.

Show quote history

If a guy likes you, you will know!

findingnibbles · 14/04/2025 23:07

Mercedes45 · 14/04/2025 23:03

If a guy likes you, you will know!

Show quote history

Yeah – wondering if he’s flirting a bit for an ego boost but isn’t really interested beyond that

ManyATrueWord · 14/04/2025 23:38

Dreamingi · 14/04/2025 21:03

But here’s the thing
a while ago after a few signs I suggested something and he said he just wanted to be friends

but he doesn’t act as if he does
others have picked up on it and say he ‘fancies’ me
in not so sure

it’s all a bit silly and childish.

Show quote history

Lots of men like the flirting, the emotional labour women do when they fancy a man, the appreciation, but really, if he has said no you need to cut it off completely. It's really disrespectful to act like he likes you as more than a friend but then claim he doesn't. It blurs boundaries, no wonder you are confused. I recommend a mental ice bath and to make all the efforts you can to put him in a box marked "never ever will I". I've seen too many dudes like this.

countingthedays945 · 14/04/2025 23:42

Great article in Guardian this week by a doctor who studied this subject following an episode of it himself.

Its basically an addiction response but you can follow strategies to reduce the brain response to it.

PenguinChops · 14/04/2025 23:45

Oh it’s just a posh word for stalking in my opinion

NamechangeRugby · 15/04/2025 00:14

Dreamingi · 14/04/2025 21:21

Yes he was married
she cheated with a family member of his

Show quote history

Well if anything could make a person super cautious in the love & commitment department - that would be it.

Iwilladmit · 15/04/2025 00:20

SpookyMcTaggart · 14/04/2025 21:12

Yes but being in love can be obsessional and painful, so can a crush sometimes. I just don't see why we need a new word for experiences that people have been having since humans existed.

Show quote history

Just because you haven’t experienced it, doesn’t mean limerence is real and different to being in love. Have a google.
it can be debilitating and damaging.

OP - I agree with the pp who said find distance and a new focus.

SantoriniSunrise · 15/04/2025 01:24

Oh goodness I am going through limerance with my doctor at the moment. I'd never even heard of it before, but after doing a bit of googling as my thoughts are so obsessive, it described how I'm feeling perfectly.

I realise now it was an instant attraction as when he checked my oxygen saturations they were fluctuating at 128. I had a bad chest infection and am asthmatic, so had been checking it quite regularly at home and they were completely normal.

Unfortunately the second time I went back to see him a week later I came across as quite nervous, and I could tell he picked up on it, and also felt he was very subtly flirting with me a couple of times. Then when he listened to my chest I became quite flustered. Having made such a fool of myself I am now unable to ever go back to him, but haven't been able to stop thinking about him, and that was five weeks ago!

2021x · 15/04/2025 01:37

Feel your pain…. I am feeling that way about my gay colleague. We always got on well, but now we have had a huge desk move and I don’t see him, I have turned into a mooning teenager. I guess it’s just a weird semi-grief reaction but it’s really bizarre.

Middlechild3 · 15/04/2025 05:59

Dreamingi · 14/04/2025 21:03

But here’s the thing
a while ago after a few signs I suggested something and he said he just wanted to be friends

but he doesn’t act as if he does
others have picked up on it and say he ‘fancies’ me
in not so sure

it’s all a bit silly and childish.

Show quote history

He's actually told you he just wants to be friends. Accept it.

countingthedays945 · 15/04/2025 06:25

@SantoriniSunrise how can oxygen levels be 128? Do you mean your pulse? Oxygen levels are around 96% etc

Neemie · 15/04/2025 06:36

He has told you he wants to be friends so it does seem like a non-starter. He will know you fancy him so would have gone for it by now if he was interested. I would start looking around for other options and it will probably fade.

3luckystars · 15/04/2025 06:37

It’s the uncertainty that is stoking the fires.
it’s like a slot machine, it’s the randomness of winning forces your brain to try and make a pattern out of it and causes distress.

it’s the intermittent ‘he likes me, he doesn’t like me’ that causes all of this.

Limerence is similar to drug addiction, its ’person addiction’ and can be very painful.

There is a website called ‘living with limerence’ and a book called ‘smitten’ that may help you. Wishing you a speedy recovery x x

MightAsWellBeGretel · 15/04/2025 06:45

Dreamingi · 14/04/2025 21:03

But here’s the thing
a while ago after a few signs I suggested something and he said he just wanted to be friends

but he doesn’t act as if he does
others have picked up on it and say he ‘fancies’ me
in not so sure

it’s all a bit silly and childish.

Show quote history

Then he's not a nice person.

You put it out there and he rejected the idea (to be honest, I would with a work colleague too, even if I did like them). He's now using you as an ego boost and sending you mixed messages because he likes that you like him. That's not very nice and pretty teenage behaviour, so he's emotionally immature too!

I don't really know what to advise about the limerance issue except keep keep on mind these these about him and hope it fades on time.

TryForSpring · 15/04/2025 06:54

As @Flamintula says, it can absolutely be triggered by early perimenopause. The hormonal fluctuations can mirror adolescent intensity of feelings.

TheIceBear · 15/04/2025 06:56

Limerence is not the same as a crush at all. Until people have actually experienced it they would not understand.
agree it’s the uncertainty and mixed messages fuelling it. It’s a pity it’s not possible to cut all ties in this situation as that would be the best thing.

Lyannaa · 15/04/2025 07:02

Limerence is definitely a thing, but the good news for you is that if you want it to go away, it probably will do so more quickly than you think. Right now it probably feels like you won’t ever stop thinking about him. Seeing him every day probably isn’t helping though.

LucyMonth · 15/04/2025 07:29

SpookyMcTaggart · 14/04/2025 21:12

Yes but being in love can be obsessional and painful, so can a crush sometimes. I just don't see why we need a new word for experiences that people have been having since humans existed.

Show quote history

Limerance isn’t a new word. It’s been in use since the 60s.

It also isn’t “having a crush”. It’s having intrusive thoughts relating to the crush and is typically characterised by being melancholic and having over dramatic concerns for your crushes wellbeing.

A perfect example is the married 55 year old man who posted yesterday about his “crush” on a disabled colleague in her 30s. He wrote about how he wanted to “save her, & give her a wonderful life” & justified the age gap because she had reduced life expectancy due to her disability. This women is senior management. She doesn’t sound like she needs “taking care off” by a man having a midlife crisis. That’s about as blatant an example of limerance as you can get.

Original poster
Dreamingi · 15/04/2025 07:42

Thankyou so much for all your responses
I think I’m just going to completely cut contact
its not good for my health!
I am also the double of his ex wife so I think it’s all a bit of a game to him

thankyou all xx

OP posts:
groovergirl · 15/04/2025 08:33

You're the double of his ex? Then be doubly beware. His behaviour as you've described it seems slightly cruel; he's cultivated your interest, then politely dismissed it, yet keeps hanging around you at work and contacting you outside of it. I'd guess he gets off on the emotional turmoil he's stirring in you, perhaps as revenge on his ex-wife.

As a fellow limerent, I feel for you. It's like your brain has been hijacked. (In my case it's lifelong and caused by ADHD.) So here are my management tips:

You must override your lizard brain. If your thoughts stray to him, count backwards: "5-4-3-2-1, nope, not thinking about that, piss off, get lost." The backwards count engages your pre-frontal cortex, your centre of reason.

You might also have a corresponding surge in physical energy. So use it. Go run, cycle, learn ballet, or just walk for miles with an audiobook. You'll feel fitter and more in control.

Tell him (whether it's true or not), "I'd rather you didn't contact me outside of work. My social life has become very busy, so I won't have time to chat." Then smother a smile and make him wonder what you've been up to. And keep your private life private. No more cosy confidences with him.

Normally I wouldn't discourage someone from pursuing a crush, but this guy is giving me the serious ick. I think he's using you to embiggen his limp self-esteem, OP.

ChilledProsecco · 15/04/2025 08:44

I’ve had limerance 3 times in my life, and I’m in my 50’s, so I totally get you OP.

Last time was an OLD guy, who worked in the same clinical area of me (NHS). I’m embarrassed to say that I “researched” him, his ex-wife online & it was really obsessive.

i realised it was unhealthy, decided to end things as I had totally lost control, and cut contact.

A year later, I am over it, have met someone new. But I just couldn’t get this guy out my head & it wasn’t going to be a relationship- we never even met!!

Missj25 · 15/04/2025 09:00

Dreamingi · 14/04/2025 21:06

I am friends with this person

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Hey OP 👋
You say you are a long time widow, you are so young , sorry to hear that, you clearly lost your husband very young ..
If this man has said he just wants to be friends, the likely hood of the situation, is he just wants to be friends , I think anyway, what age is he ?
If he has said he just wants to be friends & is giving off vibes saying different, that really isn’t fair of him ..
Do you think maybe , he likes that you fancy him & is playing into it , bit of an ego boost for him ?

3luckystars · 15/04/2025 09:08

Good luck. I hadn’t read the link or seen the article when I posted earlier. The book and website are about the same guy!

That 54321 counting down tip is excellent, I hope you find something that works, all the best x

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