To think women who earn more than their partners secretly resent them?

[DeepNewt]

No matter what they say.

I think the problem with this thread is that you're projecting your own personal prejudices onto the feelings of other women and assuming that they will feel however you might feel in that situation.

But we don't all feel like you do. Personally, I don't mind at all that DH earns less than I do. He works hard and pulls his weight. The chances of us both earning exactly the same are pretty low, so one partner will always earn more than the other. There is no inherent reason why that should be him and not me.

Of course, there will be some women who resent being the higher earner/having to carry more of the financial burden, but there are plenty of men who resent this too.

If you wouldn't feel comfortable in a relationship where your male partner earned less than you, then by all means, ensure that you only date ambitious, high earning men, or else put a limit on your own ambition so that you don't exceed what your partner can do. But please don't assume that the rest of us are buying into that sort of antiquated nonsense, and please don't patronise us by suggesting that we just can't be honest about how we really feel. We can, and the honest response is that we just don't share your sexist outlook on the world.

We've been married for decades and throughout that time DH has run a family business. There was a time when it was barely surviving that I hoped he would bail and he did look into other possibilities, but to do that would have affected the rest of his family. Eventually things picked up, and though I earn more and always have done, the business has brought in a steady income for years.

A huge benefit has been that once remote working became possible, he was able to work from home (saving office rental costs) which means he has been around to provide a lot of childcare and general life admin and it avoided me having to take time off work when they were sick or had appointments (though I also shared those responsibilities when I worked part time).

Maybe back in the day I wanted a man with a good income, but I long ago realised it was a sexist position to feel the man should earn more than his wife, and we have always been able to live the life we want to.

I earn three times more and do all the mental load stuff and all the child fetching and carrying and the bulk of the domestic stuff. It was t like this prior to him becoming disabled and I feel sorry for the changes in his life and gratitude for my good health. It’s a relationship not a transactional superficial and stereotypical farce.

Some will. The internalised misogyny that underpins this thinking is hard to shake. As your post demonstrates.

Why are people who've been brainwashed by "traditional gender roles" so convinced that everyone else is as well, and we're just lying to ourselves? I keep noticing threads on here where the strongly implied undertone is that traditional gender roles are natural and immutable and no one can escape their Biological Destiny. To which I say bollocks and fuck off. Feel free to imprison yourself in that shit but don't drag everyone else into it.

(Also most people in long-term relationships are the higher and lower earner at one point so this "theory" makes no sense in that context. I've earned much less than DP, also quite a bit more, and now we're roughly even. To be honest my competitive streak is more innate to me than my Biological Need For A Male Provider so I'm currently low-key annoyed that DP's official salary is a tiny bit higher than mine. I have argued that my superior benefits and my annual bonus mean I win, though.)

Lol. I earn much less than my spouse - & openly resent him, because he thinks it matters & makes him Billy Big Balls

Sounds like confirmation bias to be honest - you have a theory/perception, so anything you hear or see that supports that theory gets noted, filed away, even if you're not aware of it. We tend to discount things that don't fit with our existing world view unless something really pushes us to reconsider so the same kind of little comments and nuances that give you examples to the contrary of your opinion would just go unnoticed day to day.

The next thing we tend to do is make exceptions, so there's every chance that with replies on this thread you're reading them and thinking 'ah well that might be true for you ' because your brain is doing that first step of remapping something. Looking at a different perspective as an exception to an established rule.

Only once we've had our original perception challenged several times or from several different perspectives do we actually start to consider changing or rebalancing it. How's it going so far?

From my own point of view, no. DH is the stay at home parent, I'm the sole earner. I love him, I love DS, but I'd never have wanted to give up my career. He's generous (volunteers, offers his time and support to others, bends over backwards to accommodate my needs and schedule), intelligent, and always has a goal in sight - they're just not about income.

In my experience what is more common, is women who earn similar to their husband being resentful that he doesn't earn more so that they could drop down to part time.

The women who do earn more are generally quite happy about it and are not the type who would want to cut down on their career.

What an odd concept! Why would a woman not want the same power as most men for starters? I guess it depends on how they themselves were raised, but women who earn more tend to have been raised that equality and equity are possible, which is why they go for those roles. It's unlikely they'd suddenly be upset their partner doesn't have total power - marriages aren't a competing game! You're meant to be on the same side.

Earning less money doesn't mean the man becomes spineless or can't make decisions. Plenty of men who earn large amounts are like this anyway.

No, I don't resent him in the slightest. He keeps our home running, without him we'd be in a mess. He is my rock.

I did, and then it wasn’t a secret, and then I ended up ending it.

I earned three times as much as my ex, but because I worked from home ended up doing all the work around the house. Over time it became draining. When I said how unhappy I was he was actually ok with that because he was living in a lovely house, with a fridge always full and dinner cooked. It didn’t last much longer after that.

Yes I was at home for longer, and had time to do the housework but i resented doing everything.

No I don't, he does nearly all the laundry, meal planning and cooking. He also does more childcare when my work ramps up, he really doesn't seem to mind and actively encourages me to earn more.

Ill bet he does !

I can’t get on board with this. They do 50% of life stuff and therefore they get to ride on the coattails of the higher earning partner.

Has anybody sat down and realised yet that they’re meant to do 50% of everything and still earn the same and if not why not?
That being that they lift themselves up not drag their female partner down.

Such an interesting thread! It’s really made me think as I have always gone for men from my 20s to now who earn less than me. I want it all - a good lifestyle but with a partner who isn’t consistently working or thinking about work. I’ve always partnered with men who are creative, who are great at home stuff - diy, gardening, IT, housework, taking care of stuff that needs doing/ mending, fixing. I can’t do and have no interest in any of that. I’m poor at housework when I work full on too. I take care of financial admin/ lease/ legal stuff and enjoy this. I think now, as I get older, (mid 40s) I want to slow down work wise, have more time not just rhe $$ and weird work “status” We plan together. I know I need to keep working for a few more years at pace and earning the high salary and I feel exhausted. If I could stop working I would basically for a little while. But I can’t for a few years. We just need the money I earn. If I had to do all the house stuff I’d fail miserably - so we each bring complementary skills and strengths to table. But I’m honest that sometimes i wish I could do nowt just for a bit!

Nope. Actually, the older I get, the more marriages I see crumble around me and the more and more grateful I am that I met this wonderful husband of mine and know that neither of us chose it for finances or settled for any reason. I have always earned enough to never have to see him struggle to provide for us either and as a family, the financial side is secure and I’m proud of my part in that. I do a job I love, so does he, and somewhere in the middle of that we found each other and love each other.

I would hope not but I've noticed on MN when there is an issue in the marriage, especially chores or childcare related, the OP often mentions that they earn more. This is absolutely unnecessary information. What is relevant is the working hours or stress factor of a job or flexibility etc but not salary. It implies that the lower earner needs to make it up in other ways at home. The irony is this is exactly the BS so many women tolerate from men yet when some women earn more entry adopt the same nasty attitude.

Also I have in past felt the weirdness of others in seeing my partner earns less/ does some “traditionally” female stuff (home keeping etc) - which is obvs BS. On a totally different matter I salute all those men / women who are single handedly doing what I see as three jobs, two unpaid - running a house is a huge bleeding job; raising kids (which we never can clock off from); and then a paying job. How one person could and do do this - the three jobs is insanely talented and skillful. Honestly - I never can understand or comprehend how one person can do it all - saluting those on MN who do. Heroes.

I found it very relevant that I was earning more and carrying the financial burden of the family. I did have more flexibility from work and more free time, but I didn’t feel that that meant that I should do all the house work as well just because I had time to do it.

When I looked at what we were both contributing to the family he didn’t bring any improvement to my life.

I can’t become a stay at home mum but he could become a stay at home dad, because of the financial dependency on my salary.

This makes me sad. I would much rather be stay at home and he also wishes he had the career to enable it, we both do.

It's not riding coat tails, it's working as a team. When I decided to take a promotion that would mean more hours and more money, DP went part time, so he could take the lions share of the childcare and housework. He took parental leave at crucial times so my job could be facilitated.

He doesn't drag me down because he earns less, he lifts me up to be able to earn more, because that's what I wanted to do. Previously, I've stayed at home and let him work hard and earn the money.

That's a proper partnership

He went part time because it suited him to not have to put in a full shift at home. And hold down a full time job.
Many people wouldn’t have that option at all but less so now and especially not female partners.
If youre happy you’re happy but that wouldn’t be for me. Too low a bar.

Came here to say this, but you've already articulated my thoughts perfectly.

Nope…source, me as I earn a lot more than DH.

Mine was a sahd for a few years. Tbh he found it hard as the area we live in was quite traditional and was no other men about during the day. It gave me a whole feeling what it's like being the ft working person and the mental pressure that comes with being the main or only wage eraner

Incorrect. He went part time precisely so he could put in a full shift at home, and still work as well. And support my ambitions.
His part time plus my new full time earns us more than our previous two full time jobs.

It wouldn't be for you? What, more money, less stress and a great partnership? Your jealousy is showing.