To think women who earn more than their partners secretly resent them?

[DeepNewt]

No matter what they say.

Lol you’re back tracking quite a lot!

DH is military, I can assure you there is nothing unattractive about him and his role; fit, strong, ambitious man in a uniform who is also kind and a hands on husband and dad. Doesn’t get sexier than that for me. I earn almost double just due to the nature of my specialism, but he’s just as ambitious as me, if not more so.

They do if the DH isn’t doing enough around the house, ie a fair sfare.

If the man is not pulling his weight, dicking around with hobby projects while the woman earns all the money and also does everything at home, I can see this building some resentment. Like friend's husband who spends all his time with his band. Thr band is about to make it, you see, he can't be expected to do anything else. He's over 50 and thr band had been about to make it for the past 30 years or so..

But I don't have any issues with the fact that DHs chosen career is not as well paid as mine.

Why would they be in a relationship with them if that was an issue?

I didn’t at first. It made no difference to me genuinely….until his contribution elsewhere in our lives reduced and he had a couple of pay rises and it was clear what was mine was ours and what was his was his.
id never want to be in a relationship again with such a disparity in income/earning potential (I earned 3x him)

YABVU to preemptively dismiss anyone's opinion that doesn't aline with yours ("no matter what they say").

So basically I could write a detailed, thoughtful post about my own experiences and in return you would say I'm lying/kidding myself and refuse to believe me.

I think I'll skip writing about my experience then. Clearly you are locked into your own opinion and aren't at all open to other points of view.

Ours wasn’t a massive disparity. I earned about 20% more. Separated now.

Women are the higher earners in about 40% of relationships these day. Quite remarkable in the context of women taking time out for family and still carrying the mother load.

I didn’t resent him for his lower earnings but he didn’t particularly like it. I have sometimes thought how much easier life would be if he had been more ambitious and a higher earner. But no. I coped!

All my friends (female) earn more than their partners. I think the little resentment has only come when they aspire for a certain type of living eg private schools, and their partner just doesn't have the income. However most appreciate just having someone kind/loving in their relationship.

@DeepNewt maybe you do want someone who earns more but you need to go out actively and find that person. I have a friend who has money but believes men should be providers. Gorgeous as she is, its been a real struggle to find someone like this and she's still single.

No. Why would we?

Are you ambitious and generous?

Try it, you might like it.

No - but I have heard from friends that their male partners resented them for earning more!

Can you give some examples of what you mean by the comments and passive aggressive behaviour?

I think it depends on the rest of the set up. If a woman is out earning her partner AND having to do the majority of the domestic labour then yes, I’d imagine there would be resentment. However, if the relationship was truly a partnerships with all domestic labour being shared then I think it would work fine.

I resented it when every time I got a promotion my (now ex) DH used to reduce his hours. My career took off and I was still left doing all the housework and childcare (we had a childminder to pick up the slack) while he did less and less for minimum wage.

Now we’re divorced and he pays no child maintenance because he thinks I don’t need it and he has only enough to just live on. I have the kids 100% of the time. Yes I resented him.

I‘m now with someone who earns the same, does 50% of the housework and helps look after kids that aren’t even his own! Night and day!

The ambitious thing is a fair point, as well as intelligence to some extent. Obviously depends on the person, job etc but it is reasonable to want to be with someone on the same "level". Goes for looks too.

This is an interesting perspective. I knew a couple where the woman worked (earned around 50k) and her partner had inherited wealth. He basically didn't work but would buy properties with his parents money (his parents people would then rent them out). She interestingly became resentful of him just lounging around the house doing nothing, despite the fact he was wealthy, as he had no drive and they split up.

So you can resent people being work shy/lack of ambition I think, irrespective of their income

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Just you by the sounds of it

Hypergamy, it's inate.

We will always resent a man who we perceive is "less" than us.

I think OP is saying that she (and therefore women) wants someone above her level, not on her level. My advice to her would be to try to level up herself.

My grandmother became a self-made millionaire by setting up her own business whereas my grandfather was on a very average university professor salary. She absolutely ADORED him and was always enormously proud of his accomplishments in academia (which she told everyone about) during their 67-year marriage. Zero resentment whatsoever.

Er, not at all. What a sad and old fashioned assumption. It probably says more about the OP and the circles she inhabits.

Not sure about that way round, but there was a study a few years ago that indicated that men are less happy when their wives earn more:

www.citystgeorges.ac.uk/news-and-events/news/2020/11/men-feel-happy-if-they-earn-more-than-their-wives-study-shows

Yes I seriously resented the man who made it hard for me to get promotion and earn more than him

ach, sometimes I’d rather not work at all ;). To lead the lifestyle I like I do need to earn and the work I do I enjoy and it’s high earning but high pressure. There will be a time in the future when I’ll pare back.