To think women who earn more than their partners secretly resent them?

[DeepNewt]

No matter what they say.

I disagree with traditional gender roles so no, I don’t resent the fact that I earn more than my husband at all.

Nope.
Next.....

I resented my lower earning XH because he was work-shy. I didn’t care about his income. I did care about his work ethic.

i had no problem with the fact that I out-earned my second husband. He eventually outpaced me, but my salary was larger than his for a long time.

it’s not about salary. It’s about responsibility.

No. I don't.

I did for a bit, nowhere near now. Didn't care about either.

Absolutely not. I’m grateful for his contribution to the household that makes it easier for me to be the higher earner.

Well, you were kind of saying every woman, in your first post. Sure, in some cases, where the mental load isn’t equal either - yes there is likely to be resentment. That’s not at all your opening gambit.

In plenty of relationships where it feels unequal - eg the woman earning more, the man not pulling his weight at home, or the man earning more but still not pulling his weight at home, or the man earning more and doing everything with the kids and the woman not pulling her weight - yes, where there is inequality in either or both of what people do to support the family, and a lack of respect from the other in what each of them brings to the family - then there will often be resentment. To just say “huh women resent it if they earn more” is just bollocks.

I do a little but I know that’s a me thing, not a him thing and for me it’s about the lack of effort and motivation. He’s gone for easy and fun but I don’t have that option so I am resentful.

For me, I feel lucky that what I do for a living is considerably better paid than what many people, my DH included, do. I don’t work harder than them, actually. I’m glad to share that with my family.

I never resented earning more (quite a lot more). We do have same attitude to money though and paid earnings into a joint account which pays house/car/holiday/ living and took equal personal spends.
Also share chores and as he had more time he often did more.

I earn a considerable amount more than my husband. No resentment either side. I’d say he does more housework than me but that’s not about who pays more for stuff, more that I tend to work longer hours.

No. I've earned a lot more than my partner and a lot less never resented it.

I do resent doing his laundry though.... So am going to stop that.

I don’t. I am incredibly grateful for all he does/has done so that I could have the career I wanted. I have nothing but admiration and gratitude for him. I couldn’t have taken on the bulk of the cleaning, childcare and dog care or even my fair share of household responsibilities. I would have definitely resented that.

I think you’re reading it more literally than I meant. I’m not saying someone becomes unattractive just because their job pays less but money can shift dynamics in subtle ways that affect respect, attraction, or even how emotional labour is divided.

It’s not about job titles, it’s about what happens underneath when one person starts carrying more financial weight, especially if the other isn’t pulling their weight in other areas.

Some people genuinely don’t care and that’s great. But for others, it can quietly build resentment or throw things off balance, even if no one wants to admit it.

We're both academics. I'm more senior but that's because he enabled my career to succeed. I'm a full professor while he's still an associate professor. So yes I outearn him but he's also an excellent partner and dad. He does a lot of the cooking and a lot of housework. So no I don't look down on him or resent him!

I earn 4 x my DH.

He works hard and so do I.

No resentment here.

I do fleetingly think, gosh what if we both earnt what I do, we could afford x,y z. But I knew his earning potential when I married him. I'd just not reached mine at that point.

What should I do, throw him back?

I'd rather have my non cheating, non gambling, non spending, non abusive DH.

I earn 50% more than my DH and work more hours than him. I really don't care a bit, our income is pooled together and it doesn't cross my mind that I contribute more into the pot.

What you are saying is that when men earn a lot more women are expected to do ALL the housework but higher earning women also work a 'double day' and often do as much as if not more than their lower earning male partners. This is what causes resentment. The imbalance in the workload. Not the fact that the partner with the vulva rather than the penis earns more money.

I don’t think this statement is true no.

I do think that there is often resentment when the balance of domestic work is not evenly shared, and I suspect that in relationships where the woman vastly outearns the man, she often still ends up doing the lions share.

Conversely men who earn the same / less resent their partners. And if they earn more they think they’re entitled to blow jobs.

I would say it's usually the other way around....

Hit the nail on the head!

If there's resentment it's not due to salaries, if just to lack of balance in other ways like attitude to work, attitude to spending and division of labour.

I have always outearned my husband, and now significantly so, but have never resented him.

Yes, I sometimes get pissed off if he walks past the ‘stair pile’, but because we’re supposed to be adults and partners who are both on the ball with housework, not because I see my time as more valuable than his — which is something I’ve observed among men who out earns their wives.

No. I earn twice what my DH does. When we first moved in together a pre marriage he earned more than me. I don’t resent him at all. He is a brilliant husband. Does more cooking than me, equally share the parenting and chores. We pool the money together. He’s looking to retrain and in future may make more money than me. We are a team and the money gets pooled together