To refuse to take responsibility for DP's dog walk before work

[italianprincess]

DP has just got a new job which has fixed hours. She has to be at work for 9am Monday - Friday. It is a 20-25 minute drive to her new job. In her previous job she had a lot more flexibility, worked from home and could pretty much choose the hours she worked.
I have always had a job where I have to be in the office by 10am at the latest but I prefer getting in for 9am so that I can finish at 5pm rather than 6pm. Most people in my office arrive between 8 and 8.30am but I'm rarely there that early. It takes me an hour to get to work (40 minute drive and then 20 minute walk from the car park).
Until now DP and I have had an agreement where she walks the dog first thing in the morning Monday-Thursday and I do Friday-Sunday. The Friday has worked for me because I often work from home on a Friday and then I'm off work on Sat and Sunday.
DP has now said that she will be unable to walk the dog in the mornings due to starting her new job. She doesn't start her job officially for a couple of weeks but she is going into work tomorrow for a training course which starts at 9.15am. She has asked me if I can walk the dog in the morning, but I've said no. I don't want to set a precedent where she expects me to walk the dog every morning of the week just because she now has to work from 9am, which I've had to do the whole time. Her response to my refusal was 'well I don't know how he's going to get walked then because I have to be at work for 9.15am'. She has 40 minutes less of a commute than I do and people all over the world manage to walk their dog before starting work in the morning.
AIBU?

My point entirely. Beyond the quibbling over walkies, no dog can be left at home all day. We used to do that - we now know it is cruel. The OP and partner need some form of doggie daycare.

Cant you take it in turns?

I'm in awe of people who walk their dogs at 6.30. I'd have to practically drag mine yawning out the door at 8 30. I thought getting a dog would spur me on to be up and out early in the morning but turns out he's even less of a morning person than I am.

Do not punish the dog to get at your partner.
Use your words to discuss it with them like an adult!

Poor dog. Perhaps you should consider rehoming so that an adult who actually takes responsibility can care for it.

I hope you're not planning on having children any time soon.

My first thoughts are that the relationship sounds quite unpleasant and almost competitive, with little compassion or understanding shown to each other, but instead this almost legalistic approach ("precedents" etc).

Seconelyz for the purposes of this post I am going to assume that both of you find the need to walk the dog early before work an unpleasant shore? I am actually with you on this, I love our dog but I also love my sleep and morning routine. Whereas dog walks on the weekend are totally different - fun, relaxed, no rush, you can take as long as you like - it's one of the main pleasures in having a dog, and i assume if you didn't enjoy leisurely walks with it, you wouldn't have the dog.

I assume that when your partner agreed to the current arrangement, she did not work out of the homez so it made perfect sense for both of you that she walk the dog most week days, while you get to enjoy the pleasure and privilege of a relaxing weekend dog walk. Nice of her - she sounds like a supportive, understanding partner who was happy to prioritise your needs and happiness.

Not you both work and need to leave at similar times in the morning, it would be grossly unfair for you to insist on still only doing the fun, relaxed dog walks, whereas four days out of five your partner has to get up early (while you lounge in bed?) to perform the unpleasant chore of a rushed early morning dog walk before work. What gives you the right to pull this kind of rank on her? The fact that a different arrangement was made when both your circumstances were entirely different? That is so not cool OP, and if she accepts it, she is a mug. But why do YOY want to do this to her? Do you always prioritise your own happiness and needs, and entirely disregard hers?

I am amazed that anybody has said you are in the right. Almost to the extent that I wonder if I have misread the situation somehow? (Please accept my apologies and correct me if my understanding is wrong). Or maybe other people aren't understanding you? As you are vague in your posts about times, but it seems to me you will both now need to leave the house around 8:20/8:30. But you don't care about that and stoop think she should get up much earlier almost every morning, which you should enjoy the weekend walks?

The only possible fair solution is that you split monday-Thursday between you, alternate Friday, and enjoy Saturday and Sunday walks together, as a chance to strengthen your relationship and learn more about what makes the other happy......

Very simple.

She gets up 20 minutes earlier.

The walk will do her good too if she's going to be commuting/sat in an office.

Yanbu
She is. Stick your ground

She needs to get up earlier. This is what dog owners do.

I'm surprised at the replies too. I'd say the same as you. OP are you actually happy to be doing Fri-Sun either? I wouldn't be, not long term and not after having it taken for granted like this. If DP doesn't want to do what it takes to look after (or pay someone else to look after) her own dog, I'd be telling her to re-home it. She's taking the piss.

Lurchers the bit you're missing is it's not "our dog" it's "DPs dog". The OP is being generous to commit to walking it 3 mornings a week, week in week out.

is the dog joint ownership or is it your dps? This could make all the difference over whether you’re being unreasonable or not. I have my dog and he was with me long before DP actually I’ve always had a dog when single with DP coming along later. I seen them as my responsibility and wouldn’t ask DP to walk them unless they offered.

I think before it worked as you didn’t walk the dog on the days you were commuting and she worked from home. Now you both have a commute so it’s only fair that you share the responsibility. So Monday - Thurs do 2 days each you continue with the Friday she does one weekend day and both do the other.

We always incorporate a brunch/lunch/dinner date with one of our weekend walks. Plenty of places take dogs now.

the other option is daycare no need for the early morning walks just a quick toilet break. I’ve found with daycare my dog just sleeps when home so lots of walks can be cut back. He gets a toilet break first thing and then at bed. Will go for a walk if forced but generally after a day of daycare he’s too knackered to do much

Why would the op be lounging in bed? The ops commute is much longer , her commute + dog walk is a similar time length to the ops commute alone. The op would have to get up earlier than she would to walk the dog before work. Where is your comment about the partner lounging in bed while the op walks the dog then commutes into work?

my answer is predicated on the idea that this is a shared dog, not your partner’s dog.

one person’s schedule is changing. The previous arrangement of she does weekday mornings and you do weekends needs to be revisited. It may be that nothing changes, it may be that you reallocate this and other chores.

You are a team and you figure out a system that is fair for both of you. she doesn’t have to keep doing a chore indefinitely any more than she gets to just reassign it to you

Is the dog hers ?
Do you jointly own the dog ?
Take it in turns during the week and go together at weekends , or a dog walker ? She should have spoken to you about this before accepting the job.
Why should the dog suffer ?

You say her dog? Is the dog just hers?

so you leave at 8 to start work at 9. She will leave at 855 to start work at 915? She should walk the dog or pay for a walker if easier.

Obviously scoring points off each other is far more important than meeting your dogs needs.

slow hand clap to you both

The op leaves for work at 8 whereas the dp doesn’t need to leave until just before 9. She can walk the dog at 8 whereas the op would have to walk the dog around 7ish.

Yep.

End of thread.

It all sounds a bit pathetic.

We sometimes bicker over who gets to walk the dog (!) because we like doing it. That's a big reason why we got a dog. He gets 2 walks daily unless there's someone proper sick in the house.

Also don't mind going out in all weathers - as that's what coats are for.

Exactly my thoughts! My dog is definitely not a morning dog ,anything earlier than 10am is far too early and she has to literally be carried out through front door to get walking 😂
I get up twice a week at 530am for work and she stays under duvet ,husband takes her out much later !

Why? Where in the dog owning rule book does it say the dog has to be walked first thing?

I would suggest re homing the poor dog if s/he cannot be looked after properly. Owning a dog comes with responsibilities.

My question here is how are the rest of your joint responsibilities split?

Are these 50/50 (in which case on the face of it I think you're being reasonable that she needs to continue with the dog walking) or does she take on more?

I'm just wondering whether the reason she has previously walked the dog during her work-from-home time is because she's busy with something else first thing? And those things still need to be done but she now has a fixed time for beginning work, so she is asking you to walk the dog because you don't have as many other morning jobs.

So, who makes breakfast; loads the dishwasher; puts on the washing; sorts out any prep or shopping list for dinner; makes work lunches; gets any kids ready for school; drops them at childcare etc etc. If your partner does more than you of these sort of things in the morning I think that either you should walk the dog, or you should re-distribute these chores 50/50.

Surely I’m not alone in recalling the thread a few weeks ago from the woman in this relationship and this dog issue?

@italianprincess was the dog on the scene when your met you DP? Do you like having a dog?
If it was always clear that it was her dog and her responsibly then it is unreasonable of her to ask you.
she can get a dog walker.