To not go chasing after my mum all the time!

[MotherIssues2025]

I have name changed for this as my problem is quite embarrassing really.

I’m mid 40’s and my relationship with my mother has always been quite superficial. She didn’t have a maternal bone in her body growing up and me and my sister never got shown any love or affection. We were pretty terrified of her really and it felt like we were always walking on eggshells.

About 6 months ago she was really quite cruel and petty towards me about something, and looking back on it her behaviour towards me was quite nasty acrually. She was in the wrong but she ignored me for days and days, and just generally made me feel really shit. Her silent treatment was her method of exerting her power over the situation and her power over me. Ultimately I went chasing after her and she had the satisfaction of knowing she had ‘won’.

Last week a similar situation arose, she was unnecessarily rude and cruel to me (ending up with her hanging the phone up on me) and we’ve had no contact since. We normally speak every other day but since her last ‘strop’ it’s now been 5 days.

I feel so infuriated by it and I know it sounds pathetic but AIBU for saying No More! and not go running after her??!

She has previously made a comment to me about how parents can speak to their adult children however they want and the ‘child’ (even though they are now adults) have no right to stand up to the parent.

She obviously thinks the strict parent-child dynamic I grew up in should remain until the day either of us die. I.e she believes she can speak to me and treat me however she likes and as she’s my mother I just have to take it.

Having lived within this strange parent-child dynamic for over 40 years is making me feel like I should go running after her, even though I have done nothing wrong, but at the same time I just feel so, so angry that she thinks she can keep behaving like this.

It’s just so immature of her. I guarantee that even if I do go chasing her she will make me out to be the bad guy…..then she’ll act as though nothing has happened….and then give it a few months and the same thing will happen again.

I’m in my 40’s FFS - how can my mother still have this hold over me, this level of control over me. Like I said, it’s pretty pathetic.

Thanks to anyone who made it to the end. I just needed to get it off my chest. I’m just so fed up of her manipulation and pettiness.

This !! Op please take this advice you are an adult now and you have control over your relationships.yiunare worth more than being treated like this xx
I hope this situation gets better for you xx

How on earth am I supposed to respond to that? Is it an olive branch?

Not an olive branch. Hoovering. Sucking you back in. She could have knocked and apologised. Instead she's manipulating you into making contact. If you do, I doubt very much that she has any intention of apologising. If she doesn't apologise and you, by the action of carrying on like nothing has happened, brush it under the carpet - you're effectively telling her you accept being treated that way and that she can do it without consequences.

I'd either give them to DC and say they're from you or take them to the foodbank collection at the supermarket. Or you could just bin them, bit I'm someone who doesn't like waste.

Thats why I was so surprised to see her car because to be fair, it would have taken her a lot to find the courage to drive over here.

I'm not. Ten years to seek help for her fear. More convenient though to guilt your daughter into taxiing you around.

That makes me feel worse

It was designed to.

Don't forget she had the option of phoning to apologise and ask if you wanted the eggs/what she should do with them.
Look how much courage it took?
Or, look how much she wanted to manipulate you?

I hope you stay strong and you don’t go today or make contact. You can put some eggs on her doorstep and leave if you must.

At some point op whether it’s now or in the future - some boundaries need to be put in, some limits as to what you are willing to tolerate within this relationship, and some safe guarding around your own children.

I am sorry you do not have a loving extended family to share Easter with, but you have your own children and you can be the best role model for them instead. Happy Easter op 🦋

What would you think if a really good friend told you this was their childhood? How much time would you want them to spend with their mother?
Step outside your emotions and list what has happened to you. Read about the effects of childhood trauma on your long term health. Ask yourself if your mother cherished and loved you or if you had to twist and harden yourself to survive living with her.

I would not push your sister to discuss it. People process trauma in different ways and she might well be wanting to bury it and get on with her life free of your mother and all thoughts of your mother.

put the eggs in the bin and if anyone asks they must have got stolen off the doorstep.

You’ve had some great advice on here so I won’t repeat that but I wanted to highlight you said your mum is a great man to your kids. It might be that she can cope with kids when they are small and amenable but can’t cope once they age and she is needed to give and take, respect, listen, cope with conflict etc.

Regardless, your kids are watching the current dynamic unfold between you and your mum. One of the best things we can teach our kids is about health boundaries. I’d recommend watching Jefferson Fisher on instagram- he’s a fantastic communication coach. Short and to the point. He may equip you with some phrases to help navigate communication with your mum if you do want to attempt to build a more healthy relationship in time. Good luck op x

Thanks everyone for your continued support.

I’m looking forward to seeing my uncle tomorrow and talking about it. I have explained to him that I don’t want to bring up anything raw to him or upset him so he knows he doesn’t have to answer all my questions. Prior to his fall-out with my mum he was always making apologies for her, there was always a justification of anything she did or said that was upsetting so no doubt some of that will come through tomorrow. I have told him that despite what has gone in between them, I know he won’t want to speak badly of his sister, and so I assured him that I’m not looking to him for answers and analysis, but purely just for facts. I know he can’t understand what goes through my mum’s mind so I don’t want to put him in the position of guessing, all I need is for him to tell me what she used to do.

The big question is what will I then do with the information?

My sister asked me if I would confront our mum and although I think I would want to, part of me still wouldn’t want to upset her.

But I also feel she should be held accountable and I need her to know that although she may think it has been brushed under the carpet, or she may think it happened so long ago now that it doesn’t matter, I want her to know that her behaviour towards me as a child has never, ever left me.

It’s just such a mess.

It’s my youngest child’s birthday next week so today we are busy planning how we will celebrate it, and although I’d hoped it would distract me a little I still keep thinking about what tomorrow will unravel. It’s almost been almost two weeks now since I spoke to my mum and that’s the longest we have ever gone without talking. I know she won’t reach out to me and the guilt is starting to creep in now about me not contacting her, just like it always does.

I haven’t made any contact with her regarding the Easter Eggs she left on the doorstep.

I’m not going to do anything though until I’ve spoken to my uncle and then I will see how I feel after that.

There’s no use trying to hold her accountable. She’ll either just flat out deny it, or twist it round to make it your fault. You will not get the closure you want, just a load of nastiness that will end up making you feel guilty for bringing it up. You can’t reason with someone who is so unreasonable. She doesn’t follow the same rules as you. She doesn’t care about the damage she’s done to you, she only cares about herself. She is only interested in you in terms of what use you are to her. You’re not a person in her eyes. She’s in charge, you are subservient and must be kept under control and punished for any attempts at rebellion. She’s never going to give you what you want.

@MotherIssues2025 why do you want to stay in contact with your mother???? is it just that you feel obligated???

This is my mother exactly and agree with everything here.

My mother has tricked me many times over the years into believing I could actually be honest and tell her how I felt. I did this honestly with pure intentions hoping it would help heal and improve our relationship and help me feel less worthless shitty and unloved.

But each time she twisted things and turned it round to blame me and denying any wrong doing on her part. I would receive comments like well it wasn’t my fault, I couldn’t help it, I didn’t know you felt like that, I knew you were jealous/upset or that something was bothering you/eating away at you etc.

Each time these interactions didn’t help
and actually made me feel worse and that I was to blame when all I wanted was a normal love mother and daughter relationship. But I have now accepted that will never happen. She is elderly but I only see her at my convenience. My sister and family have had all the praise, all the free childcare and all
the financial handouts etc etc. I’ll leave them to one another.

"But I also feel she should be held accountable and I need her to know that although she may think it has been brushed under the carpet, or she may think it happened so long ago now that it doesn’t matter, I want her to know that her behaviour towards me as a child has never, ever left me."

I don't think you'll ever get her to see anything but her own point of view, but if you confront her and battle through the flat out denials of her own wrong-doing, and the gaslighting that's bound to follow, you'll at least be able to live with yourself knowing you did your best to address it, and hopefully that will bring you some closure and allow you to find some peace when you choose not to run after her.

You sound like a lovely daughter with a horrendous mother. You also sound like a lovely mother with lucky, adored children. Look forward and please don't let her blight your life any longer. 💐

Focus on yourself and your relationships—not on your mother and her issues.

I say this as a mother, a daughter, and a therapist. The first job of a good mother is to love and safely rear our children. The second is to equip them to survive and thrive separate from ourselves. Your mother has created—through her abuse of you and your sister—a seemingly permanent state of anxiety and dependence in you.

You must bravely refuse to make her the focus of your life. Every moment that you worry about her or about the relationship is a precious moment stolen from your children snd spouse—and from you!

Treat the thought “but what about mum?” As a toxic habit. Get up, put on music, jump up and down, think of your plans, think of something disgusting like moldy food—do whatever you can to thoughtfully block and continue your good streak of ignoring her. Put up a calendar and mark the successful days completed of the avoiding mum diet. It will get easier.

I think this must be it.

I’ve previously said in my post that although I have lots of very bad memories of my childhood and my relationship with her, there were also good parts where she put me and my sister first and did lovely things for us.

It would be so much easier if she was 100% bad, but she wasn’t. Even now as an adult, yes she does a lot of things that I don’t consider acceptable, but she still has lots of good qualities and is kind and helpful and thoughtful. She’s not bad through and through.

In my eyes she isn’t bad enough to justify me completely cutting her off. It hasn’t been all bad.

It would be so much easier if she was 100% bad, but she wasn’t. Even now as an adult, yes she does a lot of things that I don’t consider acceptable, but she still has lots of good qualities and is kind and helpful and thoughtful. She’s not bad through and through

That makes it a way more difficult to cut contact, my mother is the same, some very good qualities in her and then some that are just nasty, mean and emotionally abusive, head wrecking situation

I don't think even cruel and abusive parents like your mum are ever 100% bad. If they were, nobody would marry them or have children with them as they would know from the very start of the relationship how awful they were.

Abusive people can be very kind and charming when it suits them to reel people in. If the abusive and violent behaviour towards both you and your sister happened 100% of the time, you would have been removed from her care.

The times she is nice to you are strategic, to wrong foot you and to have you doubt yourself. When she is OK with you, do you feel relaxed and calm or are you just waiting for her to do or to say something cruel?

To be honest I feel on edge. I can’t put my finger on it but I just don’t feel 100% comfortable. As I said in one of my previous posts it has always felt like our relationship has been a bit of a performance, he acting like the perfect mum and me acting like the dutiful daughter. She pulls guilt trips on me all the time and it makes me feel like shit. I get nervous to ask her for help sometimes because although she would do it, the guilt trips would go on and on.

She is always pointing out all the good things she does for other people or for me, just constant reminders….its like she’s looking for constant validation that she’s a good person. It really annoys me.

I just don’t understand it at all. It’s exhausting.

Because it all about her.
always was
always will be.
look at me ‘ what a good mum ‘ I am
it’s all about appearance
you are not a person to her
you are an extension of her.
you reflex her
just an object she can boast about to friends
and wo betide you don’t play your role, or get it wrong
yes she damaged - very sad
but you didn’t damage her - and therapy is available
BUT
You can’t heal , what you can’t feel, and these sort of people never ever admit responsibility- always someone else’s fault
And have no self awareness.

Just to add in your shoes I’d probably go no contact (after a huge row because I hate bullies ) but it is possible to go low contact.
You need to step back - you are doing this.
Therapy to rises your self esteem because you need to drop the guilt.
And very , very strong boundaries.

You don’t have to cut her off, you also don’t have to dance to her tune either. You can set the terms and boundaries for a relationship and see if she cares enough to accept them.

It might be that she will only engage with you on her own terms only, as she has to be in control of you. At that point you can stlll choose what you do, or don’t do for her. With considered responses and Rick solid boundaries.

The issue is that you are almost describing trauma bond, the connection feels so strong and real, and quite unbreakable. It is not love.

It’s only when you start to examine whether you love being with her or are conditioned to pretend you do. If you actually like her or do you feel forced to say you do because it’s expected? It’s only when you evaluate your own feelings, your responses and your inner narrative can you hear your own voice/feelings and thoughts and not the ones you have been conditioned to believe.

It took me 48 years to admit to myself my mother abused and continues to abuse me. 49 years to admit ‘good’ people don’t abuse their children, and 50 years to decide I wouldn’t play this game anymore.

She was never going to love me in the way I had hoped, and she would only tolerate me within my narrow fawning/giving role. I could never operate outside of that by having my own needs without her punishment/rejection through silent treatment.

You are most likely uncomfortable because you are not doing what you are always do. Rushing to fix things for her. You are doing something different this time. Notice how it feels. Ask yourself is this a normal reaction? What does it feel like? What would you normally do that you are not doing today? It’s brave to try something new 🙏🏼

I also wanted to say you are bargaining with yourself.

‘She wasn’t that bad’
’There are worse people out there’
‘she was sometimes nice, helpful’

What does that sound like?
Minimising her abuse, and bargaining sounds just like victims of domestic violence.

’He doesn’t hit me all of the time’
’He didn’t mean to break my arm’
’he is a brilliant father most of the time’

Exactly the same denial and distortion of the truth.

It’s more that I feel uncomfortable in her company because it always feels like a performance. She talks and talks and talks about herself and I sit there and listen. If I try and talk to her about anything she either just blanks me or changes the subject as soon as I paused for breath. There is no genuine interaction between us. We don’t “talk to each other” and instead she just talks at me.

Although I do feel a little guilty for not having chased her, I don’t miss her. There really isn’t a bond there for me to Miss.

There has never been a loving bond between us. I don’t feel anything towards her really. That sounds so awful ☹️

I think my ambivalence is probably heightened at the moment because of this latest episode. I’m starting to feel a little nervous about tomorrow to be honest. I have to know the truth though.

You are tearing yourself in two over someone who makes you feel like shit.
You may get some useful background info from your uncle.
If you think it will make you feel better by confronting her, it may for a moment, and then it will be like a bomb has gone off.
Your mum doesn’t have feelings the way most people experience them. Trying to work out the reasons won’t mean progress for you.
Take the advice from the PP who is a therapist.
You have nothing left to lose now by learning to put some boundaries in place, both physical and verbal.
A therapist would be great to help with that.
Your mum isn’t as powerful as you think, or she thinks.
Just think of all the time in your life you’ve wasted being consumed by all of this. To be blunt, when she’s gone you don’t want to look back and regret it.
You have a chance here to make a more independent life for yourself. As a dutiful person, if you want contact with DM then learn to have it in your terms. You can leave her company at any time.
I am so sorry she has treated you this way because it has traumatised you. Both you and your sister have been abused. In a way, it’s more complex for you.
Try and get some professional help, if you can. You sound like a fantastic mum and sister - time to live life for you.

@Livingbytheocean such a brave, brave post.

So if you propped up a mirror op she can just talk to that instead?

Op the reason for this is because she is only in a relationship with herself. You are just an extension/audience/empty vessel to project at. She only has time and interest in herself and her feelings. There is no room for you.
The platform is always hers.

It can be quite hard to realise she doesn’t even know you. She has no idea who you are, and doesn’t care for find out. You are just there to play your part and do her bidding. I am so sorry - but you are more than a mirage or a reflection of her. You are your own person.

Thank you Peggy. I think a covert narcissistic parent is extremely hard to overcome and to challenge. You can’t challenge the abuse even gently, because they will spin it to be something ‘hurting’ them. She will play the victim and switch between the two roles of victim and abuser. Whilst occasionally bread crumbing.

Op would benefit from counselling and support.

Also just to say your truth and memories are correct op. You know because you were there. It might feel validating to hear it from someone else, but please learn to trust yourself, and your own version of the truth.

I feel more worried about what I will learn about her childhood than what I may learn about my own. I imagine that would be her justification. She has complete disdain for her own parents so I’m guessing there were issues as she grew up. But I have two children who I adore more than anything, I haven’t let what happened to me determine what kind of parent I am. If anything I think she really resented me and my sister when we were children, she lost her freedom as a result of having us and I don’t think she liked that. I genuinely wonder if she has some kind of personality disorder because I feel like I grew up in a totally messed
up situation and I’m still here in my 40’s with things still being dysfunctional. I’m just so glad that I had my sister, my dad, my uncle and my grandparents when I was growing up as thankfully I have so many happy memories of all of them.