To not go chasing after my mum all the time!

[MotherIssues2025]

I have name changed for this as my problem is quite embarrassing really.

I’m mid 40’s and my relationship with my mother has always been quite superficial. She didn’t have a maternal bone in her body growing up and me and my sister never got shown any love or affection. We were pretty terrified of her really and it felt like we were always walking on eggshells.

About 6 months ago she was really quite cruel and petty towards me about something, and looking back on it her behaviour towards me was quite nasty acrually. She was in the wrong but she ignored me for days and days, and just generally made me feel really shit. Her silent treatment was her method of exerting her power over the situation and her power over me. Ultimately I went chasing after her and she had the satisfaction of knowing she had ‘won’.

Last week a similar situation arose, she was unnecessarily rude and cruel to me (ending up with her hanging the phone up on me) and we’ve had no contact since. We normally speak every other day but since her last ‘strop’ it’s now been 5 days.

I feel so infuriated by it and I know it sounds pathetic but AIBU for saying No More! and not go running after her??!

She has previously made a comment to me about how parents can speak to their adult children however they want and the ‘child’ (even though they are now adults) have no right to stand up to the parent.

She obviously thinks the strict parent-child dynamic I grew up in should remain until the day either of us die. I.e she believes she can speak to me and treat me however she likes and as she’s my mother I just have to take it.

Having lived within this strange parent-child dynamic for over 40 years is making me feel like I should go running after her, even though I have done nothing wrong, but at the same time I just feel so, so angry that she thinks she can keep behaving like this.

It’s just so immature of her. I guarantee that even if I do go chasing her she will make me out to be the bad guy…..then she’ll act as though nothing has happened….and then give it a few months and the same thing will happen again.

I’m in my 40’s FFS - how can my mother still have this hold over me, this level of control over me. Like I said, it’s pretty pathetic.

Thanks to anyone who made it to the end. I just needed to get it off my chest. I’m just so fed up of her manipulation and pettiness.

Re the eggs my mother did this with cards and money for the kids. I didn't reply.

Do not acknowledge the eggs at all. It's a tactic to reel you back in and sede power back to her.

Thank you everyone for all your replies.

Sorry, I should have been clearer in my posts, she does drive (as in has a licence) but she hates going anywhere. She was in a bad car crash about a decade ago and since then she’s been very fearful on the road. She tries to avoid driving wherever she possibly can (it’s a genuine fear) which is why I always go to her and drive her where she needs to go etc.

Thats why I was so surprised to see her car because to be fair, it would have taken her a lot to find the courage to drive over here. That makes me feel worse.

We were meant to be going over tomorrow for Sunday Lunch as that’s been the routine for years and years but we obviously won’t be going now.

And with regards to moving forwards, I don’t know how I feel about that until I speak to my uncle tomorrow. I tried having a conversation about it with my sister yesterday but whenever I spoke to her about memories I had she just shrugged her shoulders and said, “I don’t remember that.” It made me question my own memory. I can’t be fabricating all my memories, it all happened, but my sister just can’t remember.

Yes and no. It's up to you if you respond. 🫂

My mother was similar. I was the middle child, the peace keeper, the people pleaser. The one who was not allowed to have boundaries and the one who she would sneer at with disdain. The ugly duckling, while my brothers were handsome and sporty. My brothers could do no wrong. I was to blame for everything. She would get annoyed by my face, as I pulls certain 'twisted gobs' that reminded her of her own sisters. I couldn't exist without criticism.
My dad always sided with me until the day he died. Then years of the same treatment continued.
It stopped the day that I got married. My husband put his foot down and told her some home truths in the days before our wedding. He said she is my wife and NO ONE treats her like that.
Her behaviour got better for a while. Then she became sick and house bound and nasty. She took the piss again. My hubby said its effecting you and now our home life with our little boy. He said have a break for a bit. You will feel better for it, but ultimately its your decision. Would you let anyone else treat you like that? I said nope.
so i finally bit the bullet and went completely NC for 4 weeks. Longest period of my life, as I spoke to my mum daily and would pop in for an hour to see her 5 days a week after my morning shift, then that increased to 2 hours or more per day (as we recently moved down the road), so going NC was very very hard.

But my goodness it did wonders for me and my family. It hurt, but I felt free. I wasn't on edge, I had all this spare time, and i wasnt dog-tired and aching from physically doing everything!
Instead, I put all my efforts into reconnecting with my own pals, started slim world and walked my dog for longer and got outside for fresh air.
She was rushed into hospital, in a bad way. And the first thing she said when she saw me was I owe you an apology and I'm sorry. I nearly fell over. I was not expecting that. She never apologised before.
I visit her 3 times per week for a couple of hours, and that's it. When she comes home she's having carers. I will visit her because I want to, not because I have to.
And if she becomes a nasty bitch again? I will walk away and go NC. Because I have done it before and can do it again.
She also knows this, so has started to behave better.
Bad behaviour has consequences, no matter the age of the naughty person.
I hope you do what is best for you an your family.
It's not selfishness to prioritise yourself first, it's survival. Hugs to you 🫂

I would maintain very very low contact. Treat her as an acquaintance and keep your emotional distance. She's done enough damage for a lifetime, don't let her get to you.

Not an olive branch, it’s a guilt trip.
and she wants to make sure you’re thinking about her and ideally have you reach out to her to say thank you.
An olive branch would involve communication, an apology, some self reflection. you already know she won’t really do that.

it does show she’s baffled by you not chasing her though

I would definitely not be calling her in your shoes, the eggs on your doorstep are her way of reeling you back in. She drove over, so why not knock on your door, apologise to you and try to make things better, to your face?

It's not an olive branch, it's what they call a narcissistic hoover. Google it.

So this is your cue to start feeling guilt perhaps or to start doubting yourself. No sooner had you said you were enjoying the peace and it was nice, there she was puncturing your happiness.

Making herself known. It is terribly manipulative, and now it’s putting the onus on you to give something in return or message her. She is good at this isn’t she. No wonder you have had so many problems with her.

What are going to do?

I would call it the narcissist’s love bombing stage to reel you back in. To bring you back in to line.

There is a reason she doesn’t have friends.

My parents have just each other. They do not really have family they are in touch with. My mother fell out with her sister over 60 years ago and my father didn’t speak to his father for 45 years plus and doesn’t talk to his brothers. I learnt the hard way it wasn’t me. It just wasn’t. Just drop the rope no drama - just stop.

I agree with the other posters. The eggs are a manipulative tactic, to get you to engage again. My mother used to pull similar stunts. Whether and how you do, is up to you. But I absolutely recognise how this will have caused you to start hoping again: is it an olive branch? Surely it's an overture of peace? Will she be nice and loving this time? This time, this time...

See what I mean?

In your position, I would stop doing any of that.

Thanks for this. I hadn't heard of that before so I googled it:

Narcissistic hoovering is a tactic used by narcissists to re-engage with individuals they have previously disengaged from, typically after a period of conflict or break-up. It's essentially a way to suck the person back into their orbit, often without a genuine interest in rebuilding a healthy relationship. Hoovering can manifest in various forms, such as excessive contacting, apologies, gifts, or even guilt-tripping. The underlying motivation is usually to fill the narcissist's narcissistic need or a sense of emptiness.

That's exactly what OP's mum is doing.

That numbness you are describing is the trauma—you zoned out and dissociated because you were traumatized by the experience. That feeling if unreality—and the lack of memories you have described —are the signs that your childhood was filled with frightening, traumatic events which your body responded to by being flooded with cortisol and shutting down memory.

Start small. Don’t worry about the end if the journey just focus on small steps towards safety.

1. Stop letting your children see or hear about your mother. She us a manipulative, tricky, person and she will inevitably weaponize any relationship she has with them. Get out ahead by refusing to facilitate any relationship. Just be too busy.

2. Cut down interactions, whether by phone or in person. End any interaction that becomes painful by putting down the phone or getting up and saying cheerfully “looks like today isn’t a good day fir (this errand/visit/activity) so I will be going now.”

3. Let her get on with her life and her bad choices.

but whenever I spoke to her about memories I had she just shrugged her shoulders and said, “I don’t remember that.” It made me question my own memory. I can’t be fabricating all my memories, it all happened, but my sister just can’t remember.

OP don't let your sister influence how you feel. She had a different experience to you, you said that she got it even worse than you did.

The trauma may genuinely have blanked it from her mind. She may have chosen to forget it (in psychology it's called motivated forgetting). Saying she doesn't remember may be her way of saying she doesn't want to talk about it. She may even feel that in wanting to bring it all up again you are being insensitive to the greater harm she endured.

Allow your sister to deal with the past in her own way. You know what you feel, you know what you remember. Let that be enough.

I truly don't recall childhood stuff my brothers told me . I do believe them but have zero recollection. The affairs my mother had my brother's clocked. I never joined the dots because she was so overtly religious catholic.

I remember being told that you save yourself for your wedding night. Staying pure. Not a word about shagging, employers, friends husbands post marriage.

I agree with the post above.

It is imperative you protect your children from her if you do nothing else at all. Please minimise any interaction as far as you possibly can.

In my case my mother would ‘treat’ my children and undermine my parenting rules and values by ignoring them and making ‘light hearted’ fun of everything from food choices, to bed times, reading etc. ‘Silly’ mummy doesn’t know best etc etc. At the time I hadn’t really noticed that she was developing a relationship with them in this way, with me cast as bad mummy and the obstacle to their piles of chocolate and sugar /late nights /etc, the same role I had as a child interestingly.

We moved 300 miles away when my df started to be openly abusive my dc. My mother’s tactics were much more subtle, and looked like she was being a kind, spoiling nanny from the outside.

She then moved on to messaging them directly and calling them directly when they were old enough to have a mobile, and would put me down and guilt trip for not visiting her more:messaging or would openly tell them how sad and devastated she was that I had taken them away from her.

If she had been successful, and we lived closer, I have no doubt she would turned them against me in time. By stealth. She would cry and make a scene every time we left her for a visit and generally made everything about her.

My children as they grew into adults were able to identify her behaviour themselves, and pulled away - they are now virtually no contact with her because they have seen what she has put me through and how she is towards them.

Your mother will not suddenly change for your the benefit of your children, she will do what she does best. She will weaponise them and use them to her advantage. New prey. Tread very carefully.

This.

She's forcing you to be gracious to her, otherwise you're that rude arsehole that didn't even say thank you for Easter eggs.

No no no.

Her hand broken is it? Can't operate your doorbell? She had the opportunity to speak to you, that's not what she wants. This is about manipulating you to feel guilty and run after her as per normal.

You could play dumb if she does say anything, "oh I didn't know who they were from, they were just dumped on the doorstep?"

And if she tries "week obviously they were from me" you can just look confused and say "oh, but I was in the whole day, you would have knocked, surely, so I counted you out"

Just don't bother with her any more. Easy to say I know, but really - you need to up your self-esteem and go either very LC indeed (Christmas card) or NC. It will go against your grain big time, but persist and it gets easier and easier, and you will feel lighter and freer and happier. Don't stay enmeshed! 🌺

Then you need to start. 'Mum' does not equal 'I can treat you however I like'. At the moment you are colluding in your own abuse. I know it is because it is what you are trained to do but you do have choices - you can carry on as you are, in which case she will continue to be awful. You can stand up for yourself (and why wouldn't you? Your mental health is suffering and you are modeling terrible behaviour to your children). She also has choices - she can double down and lose one of the few people she has left. Or she can take some responsibility for herself. Its time to let go of wanting the mother you wish for, and start dealing with the one you have. Use the energy you save to look after yourself the way you wish she would have looked after you.

You may find it easier to read up or to watch videos about toxic families, narcissistic abuse, etc… don’t let embarrassment or a feeling of confusion prevent you from doing some research.

You’re treating her likes she is in her 80’s , she’s 69 so doesn’t need looking after ( unless disabled ) she doesn’t drive so she can get a taxi .
she’s horrible to you so either back away or tell her the rudeness is unacceptable and you won’t tolerate it anymore .

You're not being unreasonable, you're being abused.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Have you tried talking this out in therapy? It might help. I'm so sorry.