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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited to wedding - AIBU?

506 replies

Cheesehound · 13/04/2025 08:30

Help me out Mumsnet hivemind, please. I don’t know what to do/think and what is unreasonable or not. I’m confused basically!

Background - the Bride and I have been close friends for 15+ years. We now live miles apart and have very busy lives and kids etc but have remained close, messaging and calling regularly. She is like a sister to me. She was also one of my bridesmaids when I got married. Last year she asked me to be one of her bridesmaids for her upcoming wedding later this summer and I very happily accepted. I’ve been busy arranging the hen do with the other bridesmaids, who I have never met and live close to the Bride. Bride has been a little vague on wedding day arrangements but I understood it to be a ceremony with celebrant at a stately home followed by a reception after.

Bride messaged me last week to say that she was having a legal ceremony followed by a meal the following day, which was attended by the other bridesmaids and their families, essentially meaning that she is now married and the wedding is now a party later this summer - albeit one where there is a celebrant, wedding and bridesmaid dresses, hair and makeup etc, the full deal that you’d expect of a wedding, except - she is already married…and I wasn’t there! The other bridesmaids didn’t mention it to me in our hen-do chat either.

I’ve gone back through our wedding WhatsApp and there is a small mention of legal arrangements needing to be made - as in one single message about it, not an invite, just a statement of fact. I’ve been really preoccupied with personal stuff lately but was sure I hadn’t missed anything and I haven’t.

I haven’t felt able to say anything as I don’t want to spoil this time for her but AIBU to feel hurt and disappointed that I wasn’t there? I’m paying £ towards a hen-do and the expectation was for my family (DH and 3 young DC) and I to go to the wedding later this year. I could have gone down by myself to be there.

My DH is angry on my behalf and is really not keen about going to the ‘wedding’ as it will be £ and was going to be a bit of a trek with our kids anyway but he was looking forward to it and now it’s well, feeling a bit flat.

What would you do? Would you say anything? AIBU? I don’t want to spoil our friendship but what friendship?!

OP posts:
NewToAllThisStuff · 13/04/2025 14:38

HuffleMyPuffle · 13/04/2025 14:17

I’ve gone back through our wedding WhatsApp and there is a small mention of legal arrangements needing to be made - as in one single message about it, not an invite, just a statement of fact.

Bride messaged me last week to say that she was having a legal ceremony followed by a meal the following day

She wasn't told AFTER

Show quote history

Ah so the other bridesmaids just guessed that there was an event happening and to turn up?? No, I doubt it. I think its fair to assume a separate WhatsApp chat occurred 😉

Fannybycandlelight · 13/04/2025 14:40

AprilBunny · 13/04/2025 08:51

I think having the other bridesmaid’s families and DC there makes it really odd.

Not just odd but downright mean and sneaky, IMO - she's just snubbed you OP.

It seems you're a better friend to her than she is to you.

You need to 'phone her and ask what the problem is.

I wouldn't spend a lot of money on this charade if I were you.

TheArcher · 13/04/2025 14:40

I wouldn’t go now. She couldn’t be arsed to invite you. You clearly think more of her than she does of you.

Arran2024 · 13/04/2025 14:41

BlushingBrightly · 13/04/2025 14:19

But no one's dressing up in a christening outfit and then going out for a celebratory meal with family and godparents after they get their baby's birth certificate, are they? These parallels really don't work.

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Oops, responded to wrong quote, sorry
But they didn't just sign a bit of paper. They had a celebration

ElectiveAffinities · 13/04/2025 14:43

MsSquiz · 13/04/2025 10:05

Well they’re 100% not the same thing.

A baptism is welcoming the child into the church, not registering their birth, a funeral is a celebration of life not the registering of their death.

A wedding is explicitly the legal joining of 2 people

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Call me old-fashioned (all together now….) but to me, all this ‘it’s only the boring old legal bit' is, ummmm, the actual wedding. You know, the bit where you get married.

Anything else afterwards, even if someone calling themselves a 'celebrant' stands up with a book and says words while the couple gaze mistily into each others' eyes, is just a big party. It’s not an actual wedding.

OP, YANBU. Your friend excluded you and I’d feel upset and hurt too.

2025willbemytime · 13/04/2025 14:46

So you think the legal bit isn't important to people marrying? Just the party?

2025willbemytime · 13/04/2025 14:47

Drivingmissrangey · 13/04/2025 08:41

OP it sounds like you are making a bigger deal out of it than the bride is. It’s very common if marrying abroad for people to have a small legal ceremony followed by a meal but typically the bride and groom see the big celebration day as their actual wedding day. It’s often hardly mentioned because it’s not the important bit for them.

Odd she didn’t mention it but if people start travelling from far and wide it makes it into a much bigger deal.

My quote was missing. I am replying to this

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 13/04/2025 14:53

ElectiveAffinities · 13/04/2025 14:43

Call me old-fashioned (all together now….) but to me, all this ‘it’s only the boring old legal bit' is, ummmm, the actual wedding. You know, the bit where you get married.

Anything else afterwards, even if someone calling themselves a 'celebrant' stands up with a book and says words while the couple gaze mistily into each others' eyes, is just a big party. It’s not an actual wedding.

OP, YANBU. Your friend excluded you and I’d feel upset and hurt too.

Show quote history

I agree. My wedding was the bit in the registry office when we got married. The bits after were the reception and evening reception.

HuffleMyPuffle · 13/04/2025 14:56

grandnational · 13/04/2025 14:33

@GirlWhatHaveYouDoneYoureAPinkPonyGirl Totally normal to separate legals these days... birth certificate but was the ‘official naming’ do they?

Agree! We also have funerals after death certificates have been signed - and sometimes apart from the burial or cremation. What people see as valid varies a lot.

And you sign house deeds (and might go out for a meal to celebrate if it's a first house for example) on not the same day as a housewarming

It's a legal contract vs the celebration and only weddings are apparently different

HuffleMyPuffle · 13/04/2025 14:57

NewToAllThisStuff · 13/04/2025 14:38

Ah so the other bridesmaids just guessed that there was an event happening and to turn up?? No, I doubt it. I think its fair to assume a separate WhatsApp chat occurred 😉

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Well they live near the bride and are her friends so I'd assume, yes, they have a Whatsapp group of their own...

AngelicKaty · 13/04/2025 15:00

ThisIsMyYearToFindMyself · 13/04/2025 14:27

That’s very hurtful OP.

Your friend can dress it up all she likes, but the groomsman (is that a Best Man?) and all the bridesmaids except you were there.

Sometimes the way we think about people and the importance they have in our lives isn’t reciprocated.

So the bride and groom's parents and siblings should feel hurt too then, as they also weren't there.

AngelicKaty · 13/04/2025 15:08

TheArcher · 13/04/2025 14:40

I wouldn’t go now. She couldn’t be arsed to invite you. You clearly think more of her than she does of you.

So the bride and groom's parents and siblings also shouldn't go the wedding "party" then, as they also weren't invited to the registry office marriage.

grandnational · 13/04/2025 15:09

That said - I don't think the OP is unreasonable to feel hurt and a bit left out. It's something to talk through, rather than being encouraged to throw a long, deep and important friendship away over it. The friend may have made a mistake - rather than intending to be malign or play games of 'who is the most important friend'. The OP sounds lovely and very loyal.

MonaLisaDoesntSmile · 13/04/2025 15:59

Cheesehound · 13/04/2025 08:46

Absolutely @Ketryne - I haven’t said anything as of yet and honestly may never do. Our friendship is important to me. I would never go in all guns blazing as a) it’s not my way and b) I don’t want to upset her or make this all about me, it’s her thing. I might just have to sit on my feelings really and just enjoy the hen do and summer celebration.

She has zero respect for you and if you dont do anything now she never will, you have been a doormat and you need to accept it- if you dont mind, that's another matter, but you will be a pushover by choice.

rrrrrreatt · 13/04/2025 17:16

Windywuss · 13/04/2025 13:47

In the UK, there are plenty of venues where you can be legally married, aside from registry offices and churches. Then some have this celebrant business instead. It's a bit of a Mish mash it seems.

I was married in a venue by a registrar so not a church or hotel but all legal and one ceremony.

A friend... thinking about it now, was married in front of us all but had also had legal registry office do the day before. We found out on the day. I don't think it's uncommon for couples not to tell people. I guess they want them to come to the main do and not the legal one.

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Maybe I worded my reply wrong as a registrar still won’t do anything religious/spiritual if the ceremony is at an approved venue.

Having a registrar at any venue and then a celebrant/rabbi/imam/etc afterwards means paying for two ceremonies so I can see the appeal of having the one that aligns with your personal beliefs, so probably feels important to the couple, and then doing a basic legal ceremony.

ConnieSlow · 13/04/2025 18:03

So the parents were not there too?

Windywuss · 13/04/2025 18:34

rrrrrreatt · 13/04/2025 17:16

Maybe I worded my reply wrong as a registrar still won’t do anything religious/spiritual if the ceremony is at an approved venue.

Having a registrar at any venue and then a celebrant/rabbi/imam/etc afterwards means paying for two ceremonies so I can see the appeal of having the one that aligns with your personal beliefs, so probably feels important to the couple, and then doing a basic legal ceremony.

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Oh I see. Yes, registrar = non religious, that's true.

I don't know it works outside of Christian churches. Obviously a vicar can legally marry people l. Is that not true of imaams and rabiis etc?

AprilBunny · 13/04/2025 18:43

ConnieSlow · 13/04/2025 18:03

So the parents were not there too?

No, two of the three bridesmaids (and their families) and the best man. I think the bride and groom picked one person each to be a witness and the bride said I can’t have local friend Pat without local friend Joan, we’ve always been a group
of three.

MistyMountainTop · 13/04/2025 19:06

Windywuss · 13/04/2025 18:34

Oh I see. Yes, registrar = non religious, that's true.

I don't know it works outside of Christian churches. Obviously a vicar can legally marry people l. Is that not true of imaams and rabiis etc?

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Catholic priests can't marry people, and they're Christian

Windywuss · 13/04/2025 19:15

MistyMountainTop · 13/04/2025 19:06

Catholic priests can't marry people, and they're Christian

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Well, clearly I know even less than I thought!

So it's only c of e who can?

PinkyFlamingo · 13/04/2025 19:21

HuffleMyPuffle · 13/04/2025 13:42

It wasn't a secret...

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Yes it was, OP didn't find out about it until after it had happened

Thulpelly · 13/04/2025 19:30

A few people I know have done this, for different reasons like religion or getting ‘married’ in an unlicensed space. All of them considered ‘the legal bit’ not their ‘real wedding’.

Your feelings make sense and I would feel hurt too; it’s hurtful considering you are clearly important to one another.
However, I would seriously consider how you want to react to her; She can’t rewind the time so it’s hard to put it ‘right’.
I seriously, seriously doubt she meant to hurt you - it probably made sense in her head somehow? Very likely she wants people to think of the other event as her ‘real wedding’ and not make too big a thing of the legal bit (i.e not invite people coming from further afield).

PsychoDeMayo · 13/04/2025 19:52

MistyMountainTop · 13/04/2025 19:06

Catholic priests can't marry people, and they're Christian

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They can in Scotland. Had no idea they couldn’t elsewhere.

Nearly50omg · 13/04/2025 19:58

Catholic priests can’t get married personally ! Someone has got this bit confused with the this “fact”🤣🤣